This Too Solid Flesh Would Melt
by eloquentfever
Summary: Set after "Michael": Blaine & Kurt decide they want to have a confrontation between Sebastian & his Father about Sebastian's bullying & behaviour. Kurt accidentally says something that causes Mr Smythe to disown Sebastian right in front of everyone...but that's not all. There's something dark about the Smythe family...something dangerous. STEREOTYPE WARNING.
1. in the beginning

_Response to a prompt in Glee angst meme. :) also found on my LJ, "hesitateawhile". if you're up for Finn angst, check out my other account (RelapseAndEscape). (Sammy)_

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><p>1<br>_in the beginning_

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><p>Kurt Hummel always had a white pristine mug on his desk. It shone against the soft white sunlight, and Kurt never filled the cup with coffee, or let anyone touch it – it was his Mother's mug, from days of Italy, slightly cracked on the inside, and now, he was staring at the mug as if it was going to give him the answers <em>Mother calling out to him<em> and all of the things in between.

Blaine just laughed and Kurt remembered he'd stated a joke, or something along the lines of that, as Kurt's finger trailed across the handle of the mug. Kurt's thoughts were on Sebastian again as he stared at his boyfriend's face, eye covered by the black eye-patch, underneath a small white bandage. His smile was too wide for a boy that was physically hurt, but that was what Kurt loved about him, he'd decided, as he gave him a soft smile, and then suddenly stated. "…Santana taped his confession on a tape recorder."

All happiness drained from Blaine's face and they played their parts well – serious time hitting them, as Blaine nodded slowly. Kurt's hand gripped onto the handle, as if looking for the answer somewhere in the air, and then took a strong gulp of air before his next statement came to view. "I don't want to take any legal action," and that was when he courageously looked at Blaine's eyes.

He expected a mixture of disgust and confusion but all he saw was the twinkle in Blaine's honey eye, proud and understanding and all things good.

"I've played dirty for too long," Kurt explained in one singular line even if Blaine knew because that smile was back on his face, that too-wide smile that made Kurt feel that euphoric feeling as if he'd just gotten right on a test answer that he doubted he would, but then the silence was broken by Kurt reinforcing an idea. "He still can't get away with it, so…I'm thinking we should…you know, talk to Sebastian's Father."

Blaine waited for more, because he knew there was more. He could tell from Kurt's eyes.

"Before I transferred to McKinley, during the Karofsky situation, er…" Kurt's voice drifted off and then nodded towards Blaine, playing with the pencil in front of him as if he can't bear to see what Blaine's face would snap into, but his eyes led back to Blaine's even through the tentativeness. "My Dad called a meeting with him and Dave and Dave's Father and it all…well, it kind of worked out better than I expected, so I'm…just hoping it's the same? Crazy right?"

Blaine's voice was soft.

"You are so beautiful."

Kurt stared at Blaine, beautiful as in beautiful-minded, beautiful body, beautiful, beautiful thoughts as Blaine reached to give Kurt a soft brush of his lips, because he knew that Kurt was dying to take on legal action and he knew that Kurt was dying to have Sebastian lose the position he'd attained. He knew it all, but the amount of strength it took to take the high-road was there, and Blaine couldn't be happier in his life, because he was together with the sweetest person in the world.

Saturday night, at around seven pm, just before dinner at eight, there he was. Burt's hand was on Kurt's own, as a form of support. Blaine sat right next to Kurt. Carole and Finn were perpendicular to them. And sitting a couch just on opposite of Blaine, Kurt and Burt, was Sebastian Smythe and Mr Jean Smythe. Jean looks composed for a man, eyes apathetic and articulate, and there was no contact between Jean and his son, no holding hands, nothing. If anything, they didn't even look like they were related. Kurt concluded Sebastian must look like his Mother, because Jean's hair was gleaming blonde and his eyes were dark brown, kind of soullessly brown.

Jean's hand was around a small mug and he was stirring in some coffee that Carole had treated him to. Kurt looked tentatively back and forth from Sebastian to Jean. This was it. The confrontation. Burt began in a very calm and lucid voice, "your son's been a bully to my kid and his friends."

Jean just continued to stir, waiting for more.

Burt did continue to speak. "During one of their show-choir competitions, they decided to meet up. In the middle of them singing, Sebastian hit Blaine with a slushie and damaged his eye—he's going to have surgery for his eye on Thursday and he did mention he intended to do that to my son. He shows no remorse for his actions. One of Kurt's friends tried to confront him but he also hit her with a slushie. Your son's hurting other people."

Jean put down his mug, and the spoon, didn't even look at Sebastian. Kurt waited for him to talk about how he'd never even imagined Sebastian would do something like that. Instead, Jean's voice was cold and clear, "_And_?"

Burt was taken back. "Your kid's the reason that Blaine has to have eye-surgery. I think that constitutes as something." Burt was gesturing towards Blaine, and Blaine looked vulnerable from where he sat down beside Kurt. Jean's eyes were fixated on Blaine's eye for a second, but he just shrugged it off.

"So?" Jean repeated.

"Your kid's—"

Kurt cut through Burt's voice. _"From the moment I've met him, all he's done is ruin our lives. He's continuously tried to get into Blaine's pants, made crude sexual references about him, and he's on multiple occasions tried to steal Blaine away from me, to the point where that slushie he's hit Blaine with accidentally was meant to throw me out of the picture!"_

There was nothing but silence then.

Jean slammed his fist towards the coffee table, spilling some of the filled coffee cup onto the white pristine tea plate it was in. He then turned to look at Sebastian, chest heaving. "What did I say about taking care of _your little fucking problem_?"

Sebastian stared at his Father, without saying a word. His face visibly paled and Jean snapped. "I can't believe I ever raised a whore like you. You disgust me. You're a disgrace. And by God, if you think you can ever…_ever_… walk into my doorsteps again, you've got another thing coming, you faggot."

"Hey," Burt suddenly pitched in. "He's just a kid. He's not a disease—"

"Might as well be a disease."

"I don't _ever_ want to see your face again. Throwing yourself around to not only a boy, but one with a relationship—this is apparently what I raised you to be. What will people say, Sebastian? What will think they of me?" Sebastian shut his eyes and then slowly nodded his head because he can't say anything. "No son of mine goes around jumping in bed with every single man they see. No son of mine is a faggot. _Understand_? And don't bother calling Nona. She won't get you out of anything this time."

Burt was now standing up, eyes looking rather wild. "You can't disown the kid! He's got nowhere to go! You can't do that to him!"

Jean laughed as if he didn't seem to give a damn, looking back at Sebastian. "He is nothing to me. He doesn't belong to my family any longer. I don't give a damn if he ends up starved and dead by the end of the week. And yes, I can do this to him."

Jean's eyes were onto Sebastian's face. "Stand up. Right now."

Sebastian nodded, as Jean forcefully grabbed Sebastian's hand, tearing the watch that Kurt knew was implanted at Sebastian's hand at all time. Jean didn't even say anything as he shoved Sebastian down vehemently.

"Wow, Sebastian, you royally fucked up this time." Jean's voice was colder this time. "And one more thing, Sebastian, _go fucking kill yourself_. I'm through tolerating you. I'm through with pretending that you're not a lost cause," Jean snapped again. Burt's eyes were wide with horror by the time that Jean had ended that statement and before he'd left, he'd slapped Sebastian. By then, Carole had let out a fearful sound, as her hand was over er mouth. Sebastian's eyes was following his Father as he watched his Father leave the doorway, trying to process with what had just happened to him.

The door shut tightly.

Sebastian was looking down at his wrist, and rubbing the naked, exposed area in which his – his Father's – watch was once there. Sebastian had shut his eyes, and then had tears burning into his eyes. By the time he'd opened them again, his eyes were bloodshot, and tears were slipping down his eyes. He started sobbing. Sebastian made a movement to stand up again and then was just about to leave when Burt's hand grabbed onto his wrist. "Hey, hey," Burt called out. "Kiddo, you can't leave—you've got nowhere to go."

Sebastian just let out another heart-wrenching sob, as he dropped down to his knees, wrapping his head around his hands, not wanting anyone to see his face. Blaine and Kurt rushed to the Dalton boy, Blaine grabbing onto his hand as Burt tried to pat his shoulder. "Come on. Let it all out. Alright?"

Carole and Finn disappeared and walked towards the fallen Sebastian. Kurt tried to hold onto Sebastian's arms but he'd ended up grabbing onto Kurt's chest and pulling him close. The feel of Sebastian's tear-soaked face against his white Chanel shirt made him feel queasy. "Calm down, Bas, okay?"

"D-d-d-don't look at me," Sebastian said through his fits of sobs, obviously ashamed to have people stare at him at such a vulnerable position.

"_Shh_," Carole tried to comfort him, tucking behind a strand of hair behind Sebastian's ear. Sebastian had stopped sobbing after a while but Kurt was still holding onto him. "Sweetie, it's gonna be okay," she tried to assure Sebastian now that he'd stopped sobbing but tears were still falling from his face, hot against Kurt's shirt. "Do you have anyone who would take care of you, honey?"

Sebastian just stared at her, now fully serious as he stood up, and nodded his head. Kurt couldn't pretend that he didn't notice Sebastian's depressed face. Burt was holding onto his shoulder, squeezing it. "Come on, Sebastian. Phone's upstairs, okay?" Sebastian didn't show signs of acknowledging Burt as he nodded his head. Kurt just stared at Sebastian, almost as if an entire country had been wiped out of the map—his stomach was sloshing with guilt. He wished he'd never brought up this idea and Blaine was holding onto his hand, tightly squeezing it and he knew that he had the same thought right about then.

Burt had transcended from upstairs after a while, Sebastian with him. "Called my sister," Sebastian said, voice scratchy. "She'll come by in an hour so you only have to have me for that long," he stated again, no point in hiding how miserable he looked and felt like right then.

"Bastian, what he did to you was wrong," Blaine suddenly stated. "Don't think you're intruding. We want to help you."

"Funny how just an hour ago, you were alright with confronting me to someone whose even more ruthless than the law itself. I'd rather you'd just had me suspended from Dalton than disowned," Sebastian retorted coldly but from his voice, Kurt knew it took him a lot of anger and frustration to even make a remark because he sounded so exhausted that Kurt couldn't find it in him to stay made.

"Sebastian," Finn began, voice soft, "…you can stay for dinner?" he offered.

"Yeah, that's a good idea," Kurt nodded. Sebastian didn't protest as he sat by the table. He still felt like he was intruding because he was pretty sure dinners weren't supposed to be awkward. Carole wished she had something other than spaghetti for him, because Sebastian didn't seem to have that much of an appetite, as he pushed around the meatballs for a good fifteen minutes, staring at the whole-wheat pasta with no expression.

Carole frowned at Sebastian. "Honey, I'm so sorry I don't have anything else I can give you. It must be difficult but depriving yourself of food isn't going to solve anything."

Sebastian pushed the plate away.

Kurt shut his eyes as Sebastian heard the doorbell ring. He stood up, stared at his wrist again as if he still can't believe that the watch wasn't there as he walked towards the doorway. He heard Finn say something along the lines of "Dude, if you need anything, we're here!" before Sebastian left the doorway. When he'd seen Andrea in her car, looking worried, Sebastian's facial expression didn't change from the expressionless one he'd suddenly acquired as he opened the door, and shut it tightly. He'd spent the rest of the car ride, staring at Andrea's watch.


	2. perfect imperfect

_i'm taking in Hidden One's suggestion. sweetheart, i'll try to keep in the perspective thing, as i do tend to carry off from one perspective to another very frequently. i never notice it before but unless i'm writing in first person, i tend to shift point of views quite frequently! also, i know this chapter may seem a bit confusing because Sebastian's thoughts are SUPPOSED to be all over the place. i wanted to keep him IC whilst he's still effected by his Father disowning him – i didn't want a complete character change. i think he'd try to justify his Father's behaviour a lot for some reason. ^_^ Sebastian isn't an angel after all! :)_

_this seems like a filler, just to explain what's going on in Seb's head, because it's important to understand his actions later on x i'd like to think of it as a way to hope that my birthday doesn't suck too bad and that i actually got something done (i am SO tired).  
><em>

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><p>2<p>

perfect imperfect

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><p>Sebastian Smythe rubbed his eyelid once more.<p>

"Bas, you're gonna wake Lila up so be quiet. Else I'm making you stay up the night, alright?" Sebastian nodded towards her, and remained silent. He could tell that she wanted to ask him something, and he had an inkling of an idea why as she was staring at his Dalton uniform – fuck Dalton, he wasn't going to be there anymore. There was no way Andrea could pay for him to study there, and there was something forming and condensing at the pitch of his stomach because he knew what that meant. He had to leave when he'd gone through all of this crap for Regionals, and now, he wasn't even going to go.

Unbelievable.

Sebastian realised if he focused on his hatred of Kurt and Blaine and the entire human race, then it dulled the pain a bit, kind of like adding ice to water on a stove. It cooled him down for just that moment but then the ice would melt, and the temperature would rise again. Sebastian took off his Dalton shirt, and the second he'd shed the blazer from his skin, he realised how dissociated from the world and his body he'd felt. Had he cried in front of Kurt Hummel? Had he truly shown a weakness to his worst enemy? At least now they'd known he had emotions for the most part. He didn't know why he couldn't stop himself, and now, he was blushing so madly he can't even think of how pathetic he must of looked. They took pity on the pathetic Dalton boy who just got disowned.

Now, his thoughts were drifting away to his Father. He was practically naked without his Dalton uniform, without his signature smirk, without his watch – so he just took a shower, felt ridiculously better because who needed a family anyway? Hummel probably always joked about him having _no family at all_, or that he was raised by a pack of rabid wolves.

Sebastian couldn't ignore the prick of pain when he settled himself down onto his bed, then he heard Lila's soft screaming. He went to the two month old, and then carried her into his arms expertly. He hated babies with a passion, but he couldn't help but feel the need to do so, at least to get something out of his mind. If he had to do something, he won't think, so he did. However, looking down at Lila's brown eyes, he can't help but to think of his Father's own. Had his Father not once held him in his arms and cradled him to sleep?

Had he been blind?

The only thing that Sebastian Smythe did know was that he was passionate, and articulate, and nothing was going to stop him right now. He was going to go to Regionals, and he was going to win it and he was going to prove to his fucking Father that he wasn't a good for nothing sore loser. When Lila stopped screaming, Sebastian couldn't help but sit down near the table, opened Andrea's hot-pink (the woman had issues) Mac, and then idly went to Google. At the familiar blinking of white on the screen, Sebastian wrote: _definition problem_.

_ "What did I say about taking care of your little fucking problem?"_

His Father's voice rang in his ear, _"A matter or situation regarded as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with and overcome."_ Him being gay was a situation, that was harmful because he was in Lima, not in Paris where every man around them was as gay as Hell, but in Lima—where he could be bashed to Hell. _He cares. Has to care._ Unwelcome. Unwelcome because…he just needed a little time. Father always resolved, didn't he? Sure, change was unwelcome but it was inevitable, and people adapted to change all of the time. Sebastian tapped at the desk, rereading and reconfirming his suspicion.

He typed again: _definition whore. "A prostitute." _

_"I can't believe I ever raised a whore like you."_

Sebastian felt his mind being unable to conjure up anything related to that. In reality, Sebastian had never committed to anyone in his life, but that didn't mean he was a prostitute—_you do it for free_, a snide voice remarked in his head. He _was_ practically trying to get into Blaine's pants after all. Sebastian's eyes widened. He did shame his Father, when he raised him to be good, when he raised him to not be the best, but to be better than the best. Sebastian balled his hands into fists. He typed again: _definition disgust. "Cause (someone) to feel revulsion or profound disapproval."_

_"You disgust me." _

He disapproved his Father. He made him repulsed. He shamed him, and he should've known. He was raised better. He was raised fucking better than this. He typed: _definition disgrace. _"_Loss of reputation or respect, esp. as the result of a dishonorable action."_

_"You're a disgrace."_

The man had spent years trying to get where he was at, and it was unfair that the son that he clothed and sheltered all his life…turned out to be gay. Sebastian fixed his posture. His Father worked so hard to earn all that respect from his clients, build up his reputation, build it all up—and Sebastian was smashing it all just by existing. Jean had to throw him out. He had to, because Sebastian was _selfish_. Sebastian could feel two conflicting emotions right now: something that was faintly telling him: _stop psychoanalyzing this! He's wrong! He's just a homophobe _and something else that was telling him that he was disgusting, and selfish, and crude and he deserved what was coming to him.

Sebastian swallowed. _Definition faggot. "offensive. A male homosexual." _

_"And by God, if you think you can ever…_ever_… walk into my doorsteps again, you've got another thing coming, you faggot."_

Sebastian shook his head, and didn't even think about it. He _was_ a male homosexual. His Father was just stating the truth. It was just a word. _Definition disease_. "_A particular quality, habit, or disposition regarded as adversely affecting a person or group of people."_

_"Might as well be a disease."_

He just wanted to protect him, had to. He can't really just want to disown him. Sebastian can just be straight, and it would all be alright, but he can't, he can't just be straight—why was it so hard?—he just stopped right then, stopping thinking because the rest of the conversation was bolting into his mind again and he can hear his voice, as cold as ever before_. "I don't ever want to see your face again. Throwing yourself around to not only a boy, but one with a relationship—this is apparently what I raised you to be. What will people say, Sebastian? What will think they of me? No son of mine goes around jumping in bed with every single man they see. No son of mine is a faggot. Understand? And don't bother calling Nona. She won't get you out of anything this time."_

His Nona. By God, his Nona. His darling Nona that always told him he looked beautiful when he had his monthly haircut. He can't disgrace her. He can't call her, because he will be upset. He can't, but another part of him was begging him to. He just can't.

_"He is nothing to me. He doesn't belong to my family any longer. I don't give a damn if he ends up starved and dead by the end of the week. And yes, I can do this to him."_

Sebastian looked to see Lila, asleep and Andrea was on the couch again. John walked inside, and then shut the door, looked at Sebastian and gave him a smile. "Hiya, champ. Heard about what happened," John gave him _that_ pitying smile.

Sebastian wanted to punch him square in the jaw. He stood up, and watched John fall onto the bed. In half an hour, the entire apartment was asleep. Sebastian put the Mac back down onto the table, looked at Andrea, her keys were right there so he snatched them and disappeared off to Scandals.

_"Wow, Sebastian, you royally fucked up this time. And one more thing, Sebastian, go fucking kill yourself. I'm through tolerating you. I'm through with pretending that you're not a lost cause."_

Lost cause. That was what he was, Sebastian thought, as he let the bartender eye him whilst he had his fifth beer…it wasn't like anyone was going to do anything right about now. He'd only had fifty on him before he'd started and now, he had sixty-six, spending fourteen dollars on just plain beer and he was full of alcohol and not thinking straight and by the time that he went back to the apartment, he'd passed by a couple of guys that were offering to fuck his 'adorable skinny little white ass' and Sebastian had rejected them all. When he'd drove back in Andrea's Chevy, he'd found out that Andrea was awake, holding Lila in her arms.

"Bastian…" Andrea was whining.

Sebastian just stared at her for a second, and then sped towards the bathroom because he knew the familiar nausea that was overtaking him. He fell to the bathroom and then started to throw up, his lungs were on fire, and he was in pain again. He didn't remember much of the night later, just a few thoughts of _this is what you are_ and _it's not his fault he disowned you_ as he fell asleep right in Andrea's guest room.

When he woke up in the morning with a raging hangover, he swore that the world was ten octaves brighter than it should be, his head hurt no matter how dim the room was and the phone ringing beside him was splintering his head in two. He did answer anyway. "Hello?" Sebastian's voice was scratchy and irritated.

"…Sebastian," it was Kurt's voice on the other end of the line.

Sebastian didn't know how cold he sounded as he asked, "…how did you even get my phone number?"

"Blaine."

Sebastian forgot he and Blaine had exchanged phone numbers on day one of meeting him in Dalton. He groaned and then asked, "what the hell do you want right now?" his voice suggested he really wasn't in the mood for anything at all.

Kurt was huffing on the other end of the line. "Looks like you found your ego back."

"Damn straight," Sebastian's voice was more strained now. "And why did you call?"

"To check up on your ass."

"My ass is fine, and hasn't been thoroughly fucked if that's what you're suggesting," Sebastian explained, and then found himself accompanying with that half-smirk. He can be perfect again. He had to be. He had to find a way to be in control again. If he was in control, he wouldn't think of his Father. If he was in control, then he wasn't a disgrace, he wasn't a disease and he would be perfect, pristine, for him. _For him_. He would die trying, but it would be worth it. He'd be perfect again. He just had to be. He didn't give a damn about anyone else's approval.

Kurt sighed. "I'm not suggesting anything. You know he's wrong."

"…I fuck men from Scandals nearly daily, Kurt. I'm not exactly a virgin," Sebastian explained, and he could nearly feel Kurt flinching on the other end of the line. "He's right about that bit. I am a…" Sebastian now let a smirk slip onto his lips. _Control. Control. Control_. "An exotic dancer."

"…an exotic dancer? That's a stripper."

"Shut up. I'm not a stripper. I assure you."

"But that's what—"

"Hummel. Let me have my moment," Sebastian rolled his eyes. "I'm perfectly fine. Still breathing, living, I didn't shoot myself. I am fine. Everything's the same again, understand?" and his voice was now having that demanding, commanding edge and Sebastian felt better now, as if nothing had changed, even now, that he was staring around the room, he felt himself more and more dissociated by the second. His body wasn't even a part of his mind anymore.

"…if you say so," Kurt was sighing.

"Do you want me to be on my knees crying my eyes out?"

"No," Kurt sounded rather insulted by then. "But I do want you to start being human."

Sebastian just smirked, as he shut his phone afterwards. Humans weren't perfect, and Sebastian Smythe _will be_ perfect. Family was forever, right? Jean had to take him back. He just had to. If he won Regionals…he had to get back in the game. School. School. He wasn't in Dalton anymore, and by the time that Sebastian had stepped into the room, he'd asked Andrea about school.

"…we're transferring you. Definitely. You know that we can't handle the fees of Dalton so…" Andrea's smile was soft. "McKinley."

"_McKinley_?" Sebastian repeated.

"It's good. Teachers are good. I talked to the principal and all and we enrolled you for next week since you need some time off, huh, Bastian?" John tried to explain, not knowing why it was troubling him at all. Andrea shoved a plate of eggs and toast towards Sebastian. Sebastian stared down at it, two pieces of buttered toast, with a boiled egg on top. _"He is nothing to me. He doesn't belong to my family any longer. I don't give a damn if he ends up starved and dead by the end of the week. And yes, I can do this to him."_

Sebastian decided he wasn't hungry after all.


	3. concern and contemplation

_i love my feedback way too much x). you guys are amazing! :) keep on reading/reviewing. i am SO glad that i have feedback. so much. :D and i totally rocked my art exhibition today so an update is a must!_

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><p>3<p>

concern and contemplation

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><p>"Yeah, Sebastian's a jerk again," Kurt mumbled towards the phone towards his concerned boyfriend, and to be honest, Kurt was concerned as well, even though he was trying so hard to not sound like he was. The way that Sebastian had broken down after his Father had disowned him just proved to Kurt that Sebastian was <em>not<em> going to be alright just after one day, that he was closing himself up from the world, because he knew Sebastian. He was controlling and arrogant and he didn't like to seem vulnerable. He hated any type of vulnerability. He hated weakness, and Kurt was sure that, after meeting Jean Smythe, that it was a lot linked to his Father's ideal, controlled, sophisticated and respected.

"I worry about him," Blaine suddenly blurted out. "Karofsky was a jerk too, but he was insecure. I think…I think Sebastian's just as insecure, you know?"

"I don't think Sebastian's _insecure_," but Kurt did have it as an afterthought, and then Kurt bit down his lower lip, mind racking over the conversation he and Sebastian had just that morning, thoughts on one certain highlight of that conversation. "Sebastian says that he actually regularly sleeps with men. Maybe he is kind of insecure. I don't see any other reason why he'd do something like that."

"We'll check into it. Hold on. Jeff's calling me. I think he's gonna ask me about why Bastian isn't back…what should I say?"

Anxiety plagued Kurt, because he didn't know what Sebastian wanted him to say. He looked down at the white pristine mug in front of him, and just played with the handle for a moment, as Blaine repeated, "Kurt?" his voice was softer now, but there was apparent distress in his voice.

Kurt took a deep breath. "Tell him you haven't heard from Bastian. I'm gonna phone him right now and ask him what he wants us to tell Dalton."

Blaine ended the conversation and Kurt redialed Sebastian's number, pretty sure he was going to hear a snarky remark about how Kurt had already called him twice in the morning, and when it came, he nearly sighed in expiration. "Calling me twice in one morning? It's not even nine am yet. I assure you—it's far too early to drink, and I'm intact in one singular piece, just like I was an hour ago."

"We don't know what to tell Dalton."

Sebastian seemed to pause. "I transferred because they irritated me."

Kurt's heart was racing. That would make everyone in Dalton despise Sebastian. _What was he playing at_? Kurt just sighed once more. "Why?" he asked, voice sharper than he intended to.

Sebastian seemed to pause once more, and then responded. "I simply do not care about them." That was a lie, a cold lie and Kurt knew it, because he remembered Nick and Jeff once mentioning that even though they annoyed the crap out of Sebastian, he never once told them to leave, and Sebastian actually respected David, even if he constantly argued with him. He did have a very strange, but apparent bond with the Warblers and Kurt didn't want to ruin that, but Sebastian specifically told him to tell them that.

"…they're going to hate you," Kurt now stated, running out of options.

"I know." Sebastian clicked the phone, signaling the end of the conversation. Kurt rubbed his eye, already tired of whatever game Sebastian was playing, and before he could call Blaine, he'd noticed that Blaine was already calling him.

"I told them I haven't heard from Bas yet, but that I'd call…so what did he say?"

Kurt's blood went cold at the memory. "He told me to tell you to tell them that he left because he was irritated by them," and Kurt knew that the lie fit, that after that Black and White performance, with Sebastian sitting there alone with his arms crossed over his chest, seeing the Warblers pseudo-'betray' him would fit into Sebastian's character. However, it wasn't true, and that was what was killing Kurt on the inside. It wasn't true, but Sebastian wanted to cut himself down a notch even more in the Warblers' eyes. He was deliberately trying to turn them against him for some reason that Kurt didn't know.

"What?" Blaine's voice was hindered with shock. "But that'll—"

"I know. It's what he told me, and he was pretty serious about it," Kurt said in a tone that said it wasn't up for discussion. Blaine sighed, knowing exactly that Sebastian was planning something but they didn't know what, so they had to play along. The last thing that Kurt wanted to do was make him mad just when he was in a vulnerable position not only thirteen hours ago.

"Sebastian won't learn."

"I just hope he knows what he's doing," Blaine simply stated, before he shut the phone off. Kurt had transcended downstairs, and he didn't know why he felt this way about Sebastian fucking Smythe, that there was something that was terrible that was going to happen to him – it didn't help that the sky was _barely_ jaded blue, and was in a foggy mist of grey. He can tell that something bad was going to happen. He just can. When he'd gotten downstairs for breakfast, he'd poured himself some banana-nut Cheerio's and splashed it with 0% milk before Finn asked him if he'd talked to Sebastian. Kurt can tell that Finn was freaked.

It was Sebastian Smythe after all, cool, calm and collected, just broken down, alone – and Kurt nodded his head. "Back to being the A-class jerk he always was," Kurt flashed him a tentative smile, but Finn didn't look convinced that Sebastian could snap back. Burt looked confused and Kurt can tell that his Father was developing an overprotective bond over Sebastian after he'd seen him snap like that, cry like he did, and Kurt didn't question it. He'd learned his lesson.

Kurt tried not to think about it, as he'd left for McKinley. The taste of Cheerios still on his lips, as he pushed himself into his car.

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><p>"I am going to throw up," Sebastian Smythe stated, as he walked in, handful of plastic white bags from the corner store in which Andrea had sent him and now Sebastian knew why because John was on top of Andrea and they were making out feverishly, and Andrea's shirt was unbuttoned, exposing his sister's polka-dotted blue bra, and her pierced stomach. John's shirt was discarded somewhere on the ground and Andrea blushed whilst Sebastian put down the bags. "I was gone for twenty minutes. Ever heard of a quickie? He can get you off in five if he wanted to."<p>

"I do not appreciate my _seventeen year old brother_ giving me advice about sex and quickies," Andrea rolled her eyes, standing up, grabbing the discarded shirt and she giggled as John kissed her one last time before he'd slid on his button-down, quickly buttoning it down. "Now…Bastian, I need to talk to you about sex. And that it's not allowed here. Under any circumstances. If you want to be a date over, he cannot be your fuck buddy, understand? I'm okay with you bringing a gentleman who's willing to sit down for dinner. I am not okay with you bringing a man that's twice your age, so you can shut the door, be done with him 'in five minutes' and step back. Which reminds me. I am getting you tested for STD's."

"_What_?" Sebastian repeated her words in his head.

"I am getting you tested for STD's," Andrea repeated, and let her brown eyes stare at Sebastian's own. The blonde haired female put her hair up in a bun with the elastic on the coffee-table, and then went on. "You constantly have sex with men that you don't even know."

"And?" Sebastian stated, and then cringed, because he could hear _his Father's _voice in his head again. "You're right." He said abruptly.

"I am?" Andrea's eyes were filled with concern, because Sebastian was starting to talk quick and he nodded feverishly. He just wanted to get rid of the topic of conversation and Andrea was reluctant but let him do so. "Sebastian, whatever he said—you do know it's not right, right?"

"He called me a _whore_," Sebastian said, huffing, "and you just said I constantly have sex with men I don't even know. It's true though. _It is_. Ever since I started at Dalton and have been hearing about the God-like Blaine Anderson, I've been shoving my hand down his ass trying to get him in bed. Don't deny what you just said. It's true, and he knows it. I _humiliated_ him."

"You did not humiliate him!"

"_How can you say that, Andrea_? How can you? You and Mother do _not_ understand because he spoils his girls. Saturday morning brunch—he'd buy 'the girls' extra cookies on the patio, Friday night dinners always consist of where you want to go, if I'm late by one minute, he threatens me, but to you, to Mother, oh, if you don't show up in an hour or don't show up at all, he makes up excuses for why the hell not. He loved me like that too…before I told him I was gay, before I ruined his reputation for the sake of my own desires. The first time, he just tells me to fix myself. I disobeyed him. I deliberately did so, and must suffer the consequences. I did _not_ deserve to break down in front of Kurt fucking Hummel and his little boyfriend for something I've brought on myself—I want my control. I refuse to become a weakling. They're probably all laughing at me right now, playing their stupid acts—"

Andrea was staring at him in disbelief. "Are you _clinically insane_?"

"Possibly," Sebastian suggested.

"Bas," Andrea began. "You're not making any sense. You're overthinking this. You have to calm down. You're psycho-analyzing everything like it's a literature essay."

"What's wrong with being strong?"

"You are strong. Whether you're crying, or shaking, or screaming, Sebastian, _you are strong_," Andrea tried to reason with him.

"That's a lie," Sebastian's voice was cold, as she hit a sore spot, and Andrea can see it right then, in his eyes. He was so _afraid_. "You know that that's a lie, and I…" Sebastian was shaking right now, shoulders twitching and Sebastian just turned around, walking into the room, and shutting it behind him before he locking it. He could hear Andrea demanding him to open this door. He didn't know how long he spent in that room, but he did know that he felt empty on the inside. He will make his Father proud. He would be pristine and perfect for him. He will do whatever it took to be the epitome of that kind of perfection.

He _had_ to.

Sebastian Smythe heard his phone buzz and with a feeling of dread up to his stomach, he knew the caller right away by the ring. Sebastian swallowed the lump in his throat, as a sharp feeling of hunger took him over. Now, he was starving, hungry, empty. Sebastian will stay that way, because he _had_ to make his Father care. He had delusional thoughts, in his head, cutting and splitting him and making him feel distorted and surreal in his own imagination. He knew he would do nothing in his way to regain his position in his Father's eyes, even if it was stupid, and insane, and didn't make any sense but that didn't matter because Sebastian Smythe didn't make any sense at all. He could remember the dinner, Burt's hand holding onto Kurt's hand and he was hit back with a cold wave of jealousy and envy. He wanted his Father to do that to him. He wanted that kind of comfort.

He didn't get any fucking thing from that man, and yet, he was perfectly willing to kill himself in his journey to try and obtain his approval.

"Hello," Sebastian finally got to answering the phone after four rings. There is no emotion in his voice, and his expression was devoid of anything.

"_What the fuck does Blaine mean you left because we irritated you_?" David's voice was strong and clear and he was angry. He was angry, and Sebastian felt power.

"Did you lose the ability to understand plain English?" Sebastian retorted, and then repeated the words with more force than he intended, with more strength than he thought he actually mustered. "I fucking left because you drove me to Hell."

"Go rot in Hell."

Sebastian was manically laughing by the time that David had shut the phone. He'd lost his Dalton Position that he'd worked so hard for. He'd lost his Father. He'd lost his dignity around Kurt Hummel, whom called him already twice today. He'd lost his strength. He had nothing more to lose, so why the hell would he care about how insane he was? How warped his mind was when he started to plan out just how to get into the favour of the Gleeks by this time next week. He _needed_ to be on top. He needed his Father to be there. He needed to be perfect, and he will be. He will be everything that his Father wanted, and more, and he _will_ be his son again.

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><p>He wasn't normally supposed to be here. It was Sunday morning and he wasn't supposed to be here. He was wrong and defiled and this wasn't the place for him, yet his hand was clasping so hard onto his messenger bag and he knew that Andrea had already called him six different times when he'd gone 'momentarily missing'. Sebastian didn't answer any of them, as he stepped inside of the holy building. Church. Sebastian didn't go to church, not because he didn't believe in God, but because he was a filthy gay bastard. He stood there for a moment and then sat down beside a middle-aged man on the edge of the seat. The cathedral made Sebastian just feel filthier on the inside, as if he wasn't supposed to be here.<p>

Sebastian stayed there for long, even after the ritualistic Sunday church ceremonies had ended, he'd found himself staying there long after everyone was gone. The priest standing there didn't seem to mind, as he walked towards him with a sweet expression on his face. "You look troubled," the priest had stated. "What is it? God can help you."

"I've been disowned," Sebastian said, and he was surprised at how smoothly he'd stated it, when he was sure he would break into sobs. "—because I'm gay."

"What horrendous diseases plague your blood! Don't speak of it like the man doesn't have a choice in what he wants. If he wants hard enough, he is not gay. He is pure. He is straight. He is as he's born," the priest offered in his condolences. "However, I must ask you to abstain from this church until you have purified yourself. You can very much overcome this."

He was talking to Sebastian as if he was suffering from cancer. Sebastian felt something rise up in his throat as he nodded towards him. He used to go to church all the time before, and he'd never ever been kicked out. Wasn't a church supposed to make him feel welcome? Wasn't it supposed to be the only place he can turn to at any given time? Why did he feel so dirty then? So disgusting, so impure, so clogged with _disease_. Sebastian felt dizziness plague him, from hunger, from skipping the breakfast that Andrea had kept, throwing it into the bin when she isn't looking after wrapping the croissants around tissues.

Sebastian walked away, and Andrea had called for the seventh time. Sebastian answered.

"Why the hell are you? Did you hurt anyone?"

"…church," Sebastian answered.

"I've been bloody kicked out of fucking church," he hissed darkly. "Looks like my sins aren't going to be replenished any time soon."

He waited for a moment as he heard Andrea sigh in some sort of relief, but also sadness. "Sebastian, it's alright. Not every church is right. Come on. Come back home or I'll come over there and kick your ass. You've got school tomorrow, remember? I wanted to take you clothes shopping so you can get something suitable that isn't one of my old button-downs or John's ancient jeans."

"Alright, Mother." He tediously responded.

By the time that Sebastian climbed in bed that night, he'd had a good amount of clothing, new jeans and shirts were too unfamiliar too him—it was change creeping up on him and he honestly still didn't want anything to change. He felt sick after a while, thinking that this was really it. Everything was actually changing, but he didn't do anything as he stepped towards the bathroom, stared at himself in the mirror. Bags under his eyes, unkempt hair, tiredness evident in him, but he would be okay. He'd sleep today and tomorrow, McKinley High would watch out for Sebastian Smythe.


	4. the French rebellion

_Now this takes in "The Spanish Teacher" 3x12 and follows to the events in 3x14! It's very detailed and some things are repeated from the episode. Biggest difference is that Sebastian's actually influencing some events so there are some changes. ^_^ if you haven't read the last chapter (i didn't get any reviews so uncertain if people did read it, then go ahead and do read it so this isn't a ball of haziness).  
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><p>4<p>

the French rebellion

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><p>The first thing he noticed when he'd walked into McKinley, was that everyone was colourfully as if there was an explosion of rainbows that leaked out that Sebastian was not aware of and he just rolled his eyes as a blonde with a pink skirt and red shirt passed by him. He felt out of place, black fitted blazer over his white button-down and dark jeans, colourless, no spirit, and he was not expecting to be taken by the wrist and pulled into an English classroom by none other than Kurt Hummel, whom was also in a rather distinctive shade of red. Sebastian grimaced at the sight of how rather put-together he looked like before him, as Kurt sighed. "What do we <em>do<em>?" he suddenly stated, and his voice was rushed and full of anxiety.

"Now I can read thoughts I suppose?" Sebastian's voice was cold, drawn out and dreary, but Kurt understood what he meant – he hadn't even told him what he had been talking about.

"You didn't tell me you were transferring here," Kurt sighed softly, and Sebastian just rolled his eyes. "What do you want the New Directions to know? What are you going to do? Lie some more—_what are you going to say_?"

Sebastian just rolled his eyes at how Kurt was freaking out. He understood that after his elaborate lie to Dalton, that Kurt was worried he'd give a rather horrible explanation to why he'd transferred here in the first place and Sebastian didn't understand why the brunette wouldn't let him lie about it at all and why he looked hectic and worried. Sebastian then let a smirk curl to his lips, and with that smirk, that feeling of power overtake him again as he told Kurt, "just leave it to me, understand?" but Kurt didn't say a word as he watched Sebastian grab Kurt's hand.

Kurt stiffened when Sebastian's green eyes stared at Kurt's hand. Kurt watched Sebastian open the watch and slide it off of Kurt, and Kurt didn't know what to feel as Kurt took back his watch, breathing heavily. Sebastian was about to leave when Kurt grabbed onto Sebastian's wrist again, pulling him back into the room.

"I don't do quickies with men that dress like my Mother," Sebastian suddenly stated. Kurt didn't seem to be fazed by the comment at all as he grabbed onto Sebastian's exposed write and wrapped the Swatch around Sebastian's wrist, shutting it up. Sebastian stood there, stunned as Kurt grabbed onto his messenger bag, nodded towards him, and then left. Sebastian's finger absent-mindedly traced the watch like he used to with his old one, staring at the space where the brunette had just been there a few moments ago.

He fixed his own messenger bag on his shoulder, and left the room, to see that Kurt was at his locker, and Sebastian's eyes never left Kurt's own. Sebastian just felt sick right now. He didn't know whether or not to be grateful for the watch, or to feel like Kurt was buying his affection—God did he knew how that felt like, after multiple of years waiting for his parents to be there for his performances or his birthdays but instead receiving a bouquet of flowers, and a white envelope with a substandard amount of money in it. Birthdays were made of his chef, Pierre, baking him a cake, which would be six or seven layers, and he'd have a miniscule piece then mutter something about giving the rest to orphans or some shit, because he obviously wasn't going to finish off a seven layer cake by himself. Unfortunately, Sebastian and his Mother had the same birthday, and Sebastian had always made the excuse that Jean would obviously pick his Mother. She was more important, more sophisticated—and more perfect. So, after initially dropping off the cake at some orphanage or hospital or anywhere really, Sebastian didn't mind that – then Pierre would run his fingers through Sebastian's hair and in seconds they'd be making out with Pierre on top of Sebastian, letting him take charge of his body in ways that no man can. At the thought of that, Sebastian can only hear chants of whore, whore, whore in his head as Kurt thought it would be 'nice' to guide him around to his first class.

Which he shared with fucking _Puckerman_.

Puck's eyes widened when he'd seen Sebastian. "What the _hell_ are you doing here?"

Sebastian just smirked at him, and put a hand on his hip. "Well, I'd ask you the same thing. Shouldn't you be held down by a gang of zoo keepers?"

Puck stood up, and violently shoved Sebastian to the wooden desk. Nobody would have the balls to say anything to Puck, but there was a voice behind them, strict and firm, and made Sebastian Smythe want to puke. "That's enough, Puckerman," the man's voice was tedious, as if he was tired of breaking up the senior's fights. "Do you want me to really send you to Figgins on a Monday morning for harassing the new kid?"

Puck just gave him one more threat with his eyes, and then stepped back. Whilst that would never happen in Dalton, Sebastian knew that the world wasn't all rainbows and tequila. Sebastian sat down at the end of the room, eyes trailing down his body, judging him of course—because obviously, this kid had done something to make Puck snap like that, but Sebastian just rolled his eyes at their glances, and started drawing scribbles on his textbook when the History lesson began.

The next period he was supposed to spend with Tina, Puck and Kurt from what Blaine had told him this morning, however, it seemed that Puck had ditched, just as Sebastian expected him to. Tina's eyes never left Sebastian whom was sure she thought he was writing down ways to torture and kill people, when he was really just drawing a weird octopus on his notebook. He'd borrow Kurt's notes later, because Kurt and Blaine _for some unknown reason_ were acting as if Sebastian was made out of glass and he'd shatter any minute. All in all, he'd had harder courses in Dalton, so this was nothing to him and was probably nothing to Blaine as well.

Just as Sebastian was walking down the hallway to lunch, however, he'd stopped when he'd noticed a jock standing before him with a red slushie. The New Directions were walking around the hallway with eyes on him as the jock mercilessly threw the sticky slushie over Sebastian's face. Sebastian didn't seem to be fazed by it at all, as he pulled out a water bottle from his backpack, unscrewed the lid in less than a second and then threw it towards the jock's fan. "You little fucking bitch," he shouted, grabbing Sebastian by his shoulder and then shoving him towards the locker. "You think you can do that to me, you little whore?"

Sebastian felt his own shoulder twitching at being called _that_, but he didn't seem completely and utterly annoyed by it, as he smirked at him. "What are you gonna do? Blow my brains out with a punch? Think that's gonna wipe that smirk off my face?"

He did. The blow was hard and impacted him harder than before. Sebastian though refused to seem too concerned by it, as the jock breathed in Sebastian's face, before leaving him there. "Fuck," Sebastian swore under his breath, feeling as if his entire face was disconnected. He'd pushed past Santana and Brittney on his way to the boy's bathroom, where Kurt stepped inside with him, and in his hands, there was a golden Harrods bag, as he pulled out a set of clothing for him. "Here, change," Kurt's voice was demanding him to change. Sebastian grimaced anyway at Kurt's choice of selection, pulled himself into one of the stalls anyway and changed. He noticed that even the pants that were long on Kurt didn't hit him below the ankle. He sighed, just great and then wore Kurt's longer shirt, which would've probably hit Kurt below the hip but it was at least three centimeters away from even hitting Sebastian's hips.

Kurt's eyes were fixated on Sebastian's frame. "You purposely brought me clothes for today, because you knew I was going to be doused by a slushie," Sebastian suddenly abruptly stated, but Kurt had slowly nodded his head in confirmation.

"Say it," Kurt finally started, shrugging and then pulling his hands to his sides. "Say that you're too old to be taken care of by some insane psychopathic riff-raff that dresses like your Mother, that you think I'm a desperate, stupid idiot that's going to end up being hurt long-term as you steal and whisk my boyfriend away from me," Kurt bowed down. "Am I anywhere close?"

Sebastian just stared at him.

Kurt only heard Sebastian move away, not another sound. Then Sebastian stopped by the doorway of the bathroom and then heard, "Thank you."

"Oh hell to the no!"

"You _must_ be joking…"

"I'd rather make out with Finn…"

"Puck!"

"What? Hudson, you're my boy but I'm not gonna lip-lock you anytime soon…"

"He's gonna slushie us all to death. And hurt our eyes. And Blaine's going to get a surgery from what the freak did!"

Mr Schue dismissed his student's concerns and pulled Sebastian as if he was a son, whilst Kurt stood there with his arms crossed. Sebastian had told him if he spoke any word of 'supporting him' or 'giving him another chance', he'd destroy his pants, and get a guy named Lawson, a regular in Scandals, to tow his car and when Kurt showed him a picture of said guy – he nearly stopped in his footsteps, the man was tall, and looked like he can bench press Finn and Puck without breaking a sweat, so Kurt backed down. Kurt just stood there idly, watching Sebastian smooth his way over. "I thought your stupid little club was all about letting in outcasts, thought wrong," Sebastian shamelessly shrugged and was about to leave, before Mr Schue scrunched his face together.

"Sebastian. Welcome to Glee."

"_WHAT_!"

"This is _not_ up for discussion!" Will shouted back at them, ending the entire complaints but it was obvious they weren't ready to accept it. However, Will turned to Sebastian and warned him, "you do _one thing_—and you're out. You've already done enough and we shouldn't even be considering you here, but for the goodness of our heart, we're giving you another chance."

"You tell him, Mr Schue!"

Sebastian emitted a rather wide smirk as he sat in Blaine's seat, having Quinn whom was beside him shoot daggers at him, whilst he bowed down to them. Mr Schue looked like he was already regretting it as Sebastian's smirk widened. "Anyway…" Mr Schue coughed slightly as he moved to write something on the board that Sebastian did not care about at all – except for the fact the man's handwriting was atrocious.

"Where do you think you'll be in 2030?"

Rachael and Kurt perk up and state, "Broadway." Sebastian rolled his eyes.

"I'll think I'll be able to walk," Artie piped in, grinning widely, and Sebastian just yawned, causing Rachael to hit him at the back of his shoulder so he'd stand up straight.

"I think I'll be in jail, or dead, or both," Puck suddenly muttered, and Sebastian finally grinned.

"Someone who's reasonable," Sebastian finally concluded, causing Mr Schue to stare at him. "I'll have all of you working for me by that time."

"Yeah, right."

"Whatever it is, you'd all need to learn Spanish—because by that time, it'll be the most spoken language in 2030." Will concluded and Sebastian just tediously stared at him. This was what Glee club was like? It was as boring as Hell. Where was the music? For the Warbler's, they didn't have such introductions—and what did Spanish have to do with music?

For God's sake. "So I brought a friend to help us discover our inner duende," Will explained and then grinned, "because without duende, there is no music." He over-exaggerated, and with that, David Martinez walked towards him, looking rather prideful with his million-dollar smile. Will smiled back, as he continued to boost his ego, and that was all Sebastian could hear – claiming things that were not true, such as 'David being one of his many Latin friends', fuck him.

"Quite an insult to someone who's been born and raised in _Paris_," Sebastian reminded him, eyes glaring darkly at Will.

"My compadre is right," David finally agreed and nodded his head. "My parents always talk of honour and passion to one's country. Duende can come in all languages. I've been to France. It's a _passionate_ country."

"Well, he's passionate about being a douche," Puck muttered under his breath.

"Er…" Will was now looking slumped because he honestly didn't expect any interjection—and he certainly did not expect Sebastian to be sitting there with challenging eyes. "I think…alright," he finally agreed. "I think we should focus on European music, but it has to be in another language. Italian, Spanish, French, Finnish…take your pick. Any complaints?"

"I just don't like you," Sebastian suddenly piped in.

"…alright," Will awkwardly responded.

"What do you mean by duende in music anyway?"

David Martinez grinned, and did a standard performance of Sexy and I Know It, and Sebastian was looking rather tired, and bored by their performances. Kurt's eyes were fixated on Sebastian's face, expressionless, to the man that was quite seductively speaking. David had noticed Sebastian's lack of interest and so had Mr Schue. It wasn't very well-hidden and Sebastian was making no effort to be sweet, as he tapped his fingers on his thigh. David chuckled after the song ended, and then stared at Sebastian. "Ah. He doesn't like the way it insults his culture," David tried to explain, covering for Sebastian's behaviour.

"I hope that little bitchlet has something _gorgeous_ planned if he's gonna act like Spanish sucks and it's Paris all the way," Santana rolled her eyes. Santana was staring at Will, "besides, Mr Schue obviously is—"

"Pretty _biased_," Sebastian said, sounding extremely insulted.

"No!" Will exclaimed.

Now, Santana was smirking. "Then sing…in both Spanish _and_ French for next week," Santana looked challengingly at him and he pretended to be happy. He liked how bitchy Santana was, but he still topped her by a million hormones and he was not afraid to state that. Sebastian didn't say anything as Will stared at them horrifically, as if Santana had just told him to strip down naked.

"No…no, you're right," Will was trying hard not to swallow the lump in his throat.

Santana smirked. Sebastian looked at his nails, which needed to be filed. That was the end of Glee for them, and signaled him going home, which really just meant spending the day with Andrea and John and baby Lila. The second he stepped in, he crossed his fingers and hoped Andrea and John already had sex, or were done because he did not want to catch a glance of his sister's breasts, and no matter how gay he was, it would not be 'okay'. Sebastian stepped inside of the room to see Andrea laughing as she was pulled into a hug by John. Sebastian felt sick to his stomach as he pulled down his messenger bag and Andrea looked at his clothing. "…where did you go?"

"Didn't fuck anyone," Sebastian muttered as if it was Andrea's first thought, "got slushied so Hummel decided to transmit Hep A through his clothes," he casually responded.

"Alright, lunch! Oh, Bastian, I forgot about you. Totally not used to you being here. I'll make you something right now," Andrea smiled at him as she stood up and then stared back at him with a rather smaller smile. "…er…Mother called."

"And?" Sebastian flinched at his tone again, not that word.

"…and she'll come by in nine days. She's convinced Father it'll just be for me, but he's coming with just to be extra cautious," and suddenly, Sebastian felt a wave of dizziness overtake him, almost as if the hunger was wearing him down and he had to act on it quickly. _Starved or dead, he won't care about you_ – he told you rang into Sebastian's head, over and over. _So starve. Kill yourself. And he'll take it all back, end up starved and dead by the end of the week and he'll take it all back_ another softer voice rippled in his head, something that sounded a lot like Blaine. Sebastian's tension erased immediately.

"So what do you want for lunch?"

"Already ate some tuna on cornbread," he recalled Kurt's lunch quickly.

"Alright," _aren't you going to question me? Have you even seen me eat at all for the past eight days?_ Sebastian wanted to shoot back but stooped himself from doing so. She cared, and he was being selfish, but damn it, Sebastian Smythe was selfish, so his thoughts were irrelevant. He ate irregularly, he lived whilst it may be an empty existence, he lived, he _breathed_ and he wasn't dead—_yet_.


	5. a tout le monde

_mention of Kinate: pretend that is the only glass manufacturer in Lima. :) even though that's probably not true. xD and since it's a made up organization…doubt it. also, Blaine will be featured a lot more after he comes back in "Heart"...i'm still in 3x12, so i'm trying to stick to canon as much as possible. but until then, it's hard to write a fanfic when one person is practically bed-ridden all the time, thus other stubborn charri has to visit. a lot. when all events happen in school :P._

_also. "A Tout Le Monde" here is a song by Megadeth. beautiful song.  
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><p>5<p>

a tout le monde

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><p>Blaine Anderson was rubbing his good eye and then looked at himself in the mirror as he was exiting the bathroom. The eye-patch was securely over his eye, and he looked a lot better than he had in a while, but most of all, he'd had been stressing on about Kurt's accusation of Sebastian going to McKinley. He can just feel how much they'd hate him, and they didn't know what they did, yet Kurt specifically repeated on and on that Sebastian will castrate them both if they decided to tell anyone. Blaine sighed softly and watched Sebastian send him six different texts in which he was flirting. Blaine rolled his eyes and ignored him for a while, before Sebastian sent a message, claiming <em>'don't play hard to get, Blainey. If Hummel got you then you're definitely not hard to get.'<em>

Blaine rolled his eyes, but found himself emitting a smile as he texted back. '_How's the first day back to school_?' Blaine curled up onto his bed now, pressing his head against his pillow and feeling suddenly tired and worn-out, even though he'd done nothing at all today beside eat Cheerios, pee and sleep.

_'What are you? My Mother?_' Blaine could almost see the grimace on Sebastian's face and hear the voice in his head.

Blaine typed with his dexterous fingers. _'I'm someone else's boyfriend! So stop hitting on me.' _

_'Don't pretend you don't secretly dream of me withering underneath you.'_

_'Says the guy that was complaining about why I dress like his grandfather only two hours ago.' _

_'You do dress like my grandfather and he resides six feet under as we speak.'_

Blaine sighed weakly and then heard the door open slightly. As expected, Kurt was walking towards him with a container of noodle soup, a few sets of _Gossip Girl_ that Kurt wanted him to watch and two Diet Cokes. Blaine opened up his can, and then turned to respond to Sebastian quickly before shutting off his phone: _'and why do you want me again if I dress like your dead grandfather?'_

Blaine couldn't ignore the buzzing that came only two minutes and twenty-five seconds later, as he pulled out his phone and scrunched his face into concentration as the words formed a sentence. _'How could I not? You're desirable. Now, I don't normally boost other people's egos (but since you don't have one): you're talented, you're smart, you're sweet, you're sexy, and I'm pretty sure that even though you do dress like my grandfather, you manage to rock that bow-tie.' _Blaine was feverishly blushing right now and Kurt raised an eyebrow.

Blaine just shrugged. "Sebastian," he commented, "flirting with me. Again. As he's been doing it in…I think History and Geometry for the past two days."

Kurt sighed at his competition's futile attempt to snatch away his boyfriend. "What did he say this time?"

"He called me talented, smart, sweet and sexy enough though I dress up like his dead grandfather," Blaine recalled, seeing Kurt's eyebrow raise up.

"Truth be told, I can see why he'd go after you," Kurt muttered sweetly and then kissed his boyfriend's lips in a pseudo-possessive manner, almost as if Sebastian was there and Kurt was re-claiming him as his own, then he sent him a rather sweet, bright smile. "What have you been doing besides eating, sleeping and rarely going to the bathroom?"

"Hey, you try to bathe with a bandage on your eye."

"So you're blaming your lack of hygiene on that?"

Blaine nodded. "Yeah, pretty much. I took a shower this morning."

"I can tell. Today, I even tried to kiss you." Kurt reminded him, and Blaine just shot him back a toothy grin before he planted his lips to Kurt's own more to taste his boyfriend's lips. Kurt pressed his nose against Blaine's in an Eskimo kiss and stared at his eyes. "Does it bother you? Him texting you?"

"Actually, it's the _only_ thing I can do sitting here, replying to his messages in the morning and then wait for you," Blaine smiled warmly, as he kissed Kurt's lips, needing to feel his boyfriend against him. The brush of skin caused Blaine to grin widely. "Besides, it makes me feel slightly..._desirable_…" Blaine was running his hand down his neck, a small smile on his lips. "…to have someone want me like Sebastian does. Even if I know that in reality, Seb has sex with a lot of guys, and he's never been tied down so…"

Blaine drifted off, then randomly stated. "I am _starving_."

Kurt was staring at his boyfriend in pure and utter fascination. "Well, I bought some soup," Kurt went to the container, disappeared off into the kitchen and then returned with a plate and tray, spoon perfectly aligned on the napkin, as Kurt spilled the still-hot soup into the bowl. Blaine felt himself lighter than he had in years, having someone love him that way made him feel as if he was just a part of air as Kurt put the tray on his lap, and then handed Blaine the spoon.

"You're so good to me," Blaine responded, looking love-dazed, then was just about to pull the tray away when Kurt grabbed his wrist.

"What do you want?"

"The paper, on the table."

Kurt raised an eyebrow, "so people still read the paper?" he teased, before getting the paper. Blaine took the newspaper, completely forgetting about the tray on his lap.

"My Dad's a bit old-fashioned," then Blaine's eyebrow furrowed as his eyes widened, quickly scanning through the words. "Oh my God."

Blaine turned around the newspaper so that Kurt can take a good look at the headline. _JEAN SMYTHE: LIMA'S BIGGEST GLASS MANUFACTURER AND SUPPLIER SUFFERS CORPORATE CRISIS_. "I read it quickly—apparently, the raw material he uses is exported from an industry in France, which just went bankrupt. He has to find a new one, so he cannot provide us glass."

"Serves him fucking right," Kurt huffed, then his eyes widened. "Wait. Every single theatre light we rented out for our auditorium for rehearsal is…it's from Kinate! Holy shit. And not to mention the orders of CD's and DVD's and…the entire—_all of Lima is gonna suffer_. They're actually our only glass manufacturers here. We have to export everything then and wait…oh my God. Glass is gonna be so _expensive_."

Kurt was shaking his head. "How are we going to pay for glass? The school rarely ever funds, so think of finding us for Regionals…they might tell us we can't go this year and this year is our last and…"

Blaine heard his phone ringing and his heart was thudding. He hoped it wasn't Sebastian calling to discuss the paper, if he even read the paper, and some sense of dread filled the ravenette up as he looked at his caller ID. He sighed softly, noticing that the caller was actually Nick. He didn't hesitate to answer that way as he asked, "Nick?"

"Did you see the newspaper?" Nick's voice was sharp. "You told us McKinley can barely fund for Regionals."

"Yeah, that's what Kurt's stressing about currently," Blaine explained, biting his lower lip. "The school would probably cut down on the expenses just to pay for glass and not go over school budget. We're barely surviving on the budget we have now. We can't go to Regionals at all if they cut it down."

"…maybe we can do something about it?"

"Nick, you're gonna _donate_?"

"We should collaborate an event or something. I know a good amount of Dalton would come to see it, so if we make it open to both McKinley and Dalton, so we can raise money. We should keep donation boxes too, since a lot you know Dalton parents. They're gonna give you so much. What do you think?"

"Nick, I love you."

Kurt shot a look at Blaine before laughing. Blaine shut the phone, looking gleeful. "Nick thinks the Warblers and New Directions should collaborate an event and make it open for both McKinley and Dalton. Like I told you, Kurt, the Warblers are like rock-stars, so people are bound to come. They also think we should put donation boxes for the parents. They're really generous now that I think about it."

Kurt nodded slowly, but was biting down his lower lip. Blaine could notice the nervousness and hesitation in his boyfriend's eyes. "Kurt? What's wrong?"

"Other than the _obvious_ successes of our events," Blaine could tell that that wasn't the problem by Kurt's slightly playful jovial tone and then it went dead serious. "How _ecstatic_ would the Warblers be to find out that Sebastian's in McKinley and more importantly, in Glee?"

"Not very," Blaine responded, stating out the obvious, "but they'd still help. They'd be so angry at him though. I'm afraid that whatever we plan to do won't end well."

Kurt nodded, but was now looking back at the paper. Blaine knew what he was thinking, about how Sebastian would handle the news that his Father's company was in crisis, just barely two weeks after he'd been disowned. Now that the media would be close to Kinate, would he try to take him back just so he could appear normal? Blaine felt his stomach hurt. He hoped that wasn't the case, and more importantly, he hoped that if the issue did rise, Sebastian would threaten to punch him in the face.

* * *

><p>Kurt Hummel was just explaining to the New Directions on what to do when Sebastian Smythe walked to the doorway. Kurt was thankful he was done, and he tried to read Sebastian's expression—but there was no emotion hidden behind those concealing green eyes. Kurt just felt himself get sicker by the second, knowing that Sebastian was in some sort of internal conflict that he won't talk to anyone about. Kurt turned to look at Mr Schue, hoping that he'd go by quickly.<p>

"It's interesting to say the least," Mr Schue stated. "It's definitely a way to go. It's an option since we don't seem like we have many." He went on.

"For what?"

"Regionals," Santana suddenly shot back. "If you haven't heard or known, your Daddy's company went _bust_. School's gotta export glass and they cut down our budget just because your amazing little Father has to export from freaking Paris."

Sebastian seemed to register this. "…his company went bust?"

Kurt felt overprotective suddenly, wondering if he's going to break all of a sudden even if it seems like Sebastian wasn't really showing any emotion right now, he knew that Sebastian had to feel something, even if he wasn't willing to show it. His mind remembered the image of Sebastian crying just the second his Father had walked out the door, breaking down like that, so _vulnerably_ and his stomach started to hurt. For some reason, he was trying to find that scared little boy in Sebastian's mask.

"You don't know that your own Dad's company went bust?" Puck's snide was cold. "Do you _not_ care about anyone in the world or are you just _that_ oblivious? Because that's the news that everyone in Lima knows about."

Kurt was biting down his lower lip, knowing that if he defended Sebastian, Sebastian was going to kill him in the end. He waited for some sort of response from Sebastian, but he said nothing. His silence made Puck smirk, because he knew he got one on him. It was something that Kurt noticed was prevalent in both Sebastian and Santana—when they've been owned up to, they just didn't speak anymore.

Mr Schue was now staring at Sebastian as if he was trying to assess and understand him. Kurt wanted to punch him so hard he'd knock down his teeth. He did none of those. He'd talk to Sebastian about it later or so he claimed so in his head. "Anyway," Mr Schue began. "The Warblers decided to lend a hand. Kurt and Blaine have talked to them and they want to organize an event to raise money and the Warblers are positive that a lot of students and parents from Dalton would attend it if it was a singing event." Mr Schue looked at Kurt for approval and he nodded.

"What have we got to lose?" Rachael finally stated, trying to keep optimistic. "We really don't have many other options."

The others just stared blankly at Mr Schue with no emotion, indicating there was no optimism or pessimism from the party at hand. "Anyway," Santana began. "I have a number to do for the European week thing. Now, do we go to the auditorium or are we just gonna sit on our asses all day staring at Sebastian's face?"

* * *

><p>After a performance of La Isla Bonita, Sebastian watched Mr Schue bravely stand up and sings <em>A Little Less Conversation<em> in a Spanish torero, looking like he was mocking the Spanish race. Santana looked displeased. Will disappeared, returning in a blouse and black jeans and then started to sing _La Ballade De L'obsédé_ by Richard Gotainer, mispronouncing half the words as Sebastian noted in his mind. After the performance, everyone had clapped, but Sebastian was about to throw up.

"You," Will suddenly stared at Santana. "You complained to Figgins about my teaching."

"Because you're making fun of the Latino public by just using these stereotypes—and," Santana was staring at Sebastian, with eyes that said _back-me up on this chipmunk_. "Even the bitch here agrees that your French one was even worse."

"…you were singing a song that I used to sing in Scandals, when I got laid," Sebastian just stated. "All it talks about sex, actually in one particular line, he speaks about haunting a sex-shop and walking around naked in a coat."

Mr Schue was flustering right now. "You're…you're right," and then Santana smiled.

"Hold up there, chipmunk," Santana stated, just as Sebastian was about to stand up and leave. "You've got a gorgeous little song to play for us, right? A gorgeous little fucking French song."

Sebastian was reluctant to stand up and sing the French song he'd prepared. He shot a glance over at Kurt for a moment – it was only a small moment where green eyes locked with blue, but it was enough to let Kurt understand that there was some form of hesitation within Sebastian Smythe. He had planned on singing _Ne T'en Vas Pas_, but right now, with the blood curdling in his veins, his heart was only set on one song, as he stepped on the stage, casting glances.

"_Don't remember where I was. I realized life was a game. The more seriously I took things, the harder the rules became. I had no idea what it'd cost. My life passed before my eyes. I found out how little I accomplished—all my plans denied,_" Sebastian sung fluently, staring up at the stage around him with strong eyes. A Tout Le Monde by Megadeth. They'd kill him for this, but he really needed this right now, this frustration out. _"So as you read this know my friends, I'd love to stay with you all, please smile when you think of me. My body's gone that's all."  
><em>  
>Sebastian turned to annunciate in perfect French. "<em>A tout le monde, a tout mes amis, je vous aime…je dois partir… <em>_These are the last words I'll ever speak and they'll set me free_."

"_If my heart was still alive, I know it would surely break. And my memories left with you…there's nothing more to say_." Sebastian's eyes caught a flash of Kurt's own eyes, horrified and horror-struck. He didn't even want to look at the rest's, but he did anyway and the disgust was evident in their eyes, and by the way they were grimacing at him. "_Moving on is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard. You know the sleeping feel no more pain and the living all are scarred_."

"_A tout le monde, a tout mes amis, je vous aime…je dois partir… __These are the last words I'll ever speak and they'll set me free_. _So as you read this know my friends, I'd love to stay with you all. Please smile, smile when you think about me…My body's gone that's all_." Sebastian took a deep breath before his last verse. "_A tout le monde, a tout mes amis, je vous aime…je dois partir… __These are the last words I'll ever speak and they'll set me free_."

"I…won't…fucking…believe…it," Puck said in serious rage. "Dude, the fuck was that? That was a suicide song!"

"Now, you're the one that's mocking suicide," Quinn efficiently responded. "Just because your Father's company's in a rut, you're suggesting you're gonna go _kill yourself_?" the anger was too obvious in her speech as she stared at him, looking too ready to punch the living shit out of Sebastian Smythe.

"That's enough," Mr Schue tried to calm them down before turning to Sebastian. "They are right nonetheless. The song is too—"

"You," Sebastian began, cutting off Will, "know nothing about fucking passion, because that song was written as a tribute to the deceased. He wrote the song because he knows that people that die have things they wanted to say, _unspoken_ words, so this is one way of him communicating to the public that everyone has something they carry with them to their fucking graves. Alright?"

Mr Schue watched Sebastian smoothly leave the auditorium, standing there, looking stunned.


	6. calling at dinner

_oh my God. you guys are...amazing. :)_

* * *

><p>6<p>

calling at dinner

* * *

><p>"Bas, step on it."<p>

"No."

John was just sighing now. He'd taken Sebastian for a routine check-up. He checked Sebastian's blood count, and it was as normal as a person with sickle-cell anaemia could be. His height didn't change and John was extracting many vials of blood from Sebastian to test him for any possible STD's. Sebastian just lay there, pretending not to hear the word _STD_. All of that took about half an hour. John spent the other hour trying to make Sebastian weigh himself, which he was reluctant to do.

Sebastian Smythe used to weigh one-hundred and fifty-six point four pounds, and had a BMI of twenty-point-one due to his 6'2" frame. He inhaled sharply, stepping on the scale. He now weighed at one-hundred and fifty-two pounds point six pounds. John just stared back at Sebastian, punching in the numbers. "That's a BMI of 19.6. It's not bad, but come on, Seb. You were heavier than this. Andrea's kind of worried about your eating."

"Read that for me again."

"152.6."

"Yes. Not 50 fucking pounds or something," Sebastian glared coldly at him. "In Kurt's words, I seem to be aspiring to become a deteriorating Cheerio."

"You're not deteriorating in this life-time. Come on and I'll even give you my sub. It's healthy too, turkey and cheese on whole-wheat."

"You forgot I was gluten intolerant."

"Fuck yeah! Sorry, Sebastian," John was frowning now, but still had bought Sebastian a sandwich on the whole home, basil, tomato, mushroom and focaccia on white bread, and watched Sebastian eat it. Sebastian had no thoughts lingering in his mind. He didn't care about eating. He didn't care about his weight, because he was still technically starving long after the sandwich. _Starved_ was the key word his Father used. _Starved_, not fat, not thin, not anything—just starved. And Sebastian was—starved of affection, starved of fame, starved of love and now, starved of food. The minute he stepped inside of Andrea and John's apartment, he'd seen that Kurt, Carole, Burt, Blaine and Finn were there.

Kurt had apparently told Finn not to let it spill out that Sebastian was disowned by his parents, and that that was the reason for why he hadn't known about his Father's company losing. Kurt sighed, not wanting to play this game anymore, but Sebastian knew that he had to have someone play. Andrea invited him to lunch, and Sebastian was staring down at penne, gluten-free penne with white sauce and a good amount of cheese and vegetables. "I'm so sorry we don't stock any of the whole-wheat stuff," Andrea stated.

"It's okay," Kurt said. "But I do still want to say that whole-wheat is so much better for your body, and that it makes you fuller for longer."

"Seb and I are pretty gluten-intolerant," and Sebastian knew Kurt's mind flashed to the night where he stayed over for dinner with the whole-wheat spaghetti and he seemed to understand. Sebastian speared the penne and ate silently as Kurt started to speak.

"We decided to come by as some sort of support group—because really, Sebastian, the song you sang in Glee…I think it kind of scared me a bit," Kurt honestly responded.

"It's a tribute to the deceased. _It's not a suicide song_!" Sebastian hollered.

Andrea paused; face paling completely as she looked at Sebastian with a softened expression. Sebastian couldn't bear to look at her with her blonde hair that reminded him so much of his Father all of the time, and she had his eyes.

"Kid," Burt began, dropping his spoon entirely and looking at Sebastian as if he was his own kid, just troubled and hurt. "We're just worried, alright?"

"Don't worry, I won't kill myself—I still haven't slept with Blaine," and this time, Sebastian's lips curled in a pseudo-smirk as Kurt just glared at him.

"I am tired of your advances towards Blaine!" Kurt finally stated, feeling his overprotectiveness submerge for his boyfriend. Sebastian was just happy they dropped the whole '_don't kill yourself'_ deal because it was seriously making Sebastian feel sick. "Sebastian, stop it. I am asking you as a friend."

Sebastian just stared back at Kurt. This was the only way he can get Hummel to hate him, by Blaine, and then shook his head. "Why can't I? I've got just as much right to astound him as you do. You don't quite well own him," Sebastian tried to explain, voice fluid and smooth. "Besides, your insecurity of losing Blaine shows that you doubt his love for you."

"He loves me, a lot," Kurt suddenly retorted, then relaxed slightly. "You're right. You do have the right. However, it still pisses me off."

"Honey, a bee stings just because it knows it's gonna hurt you," Sebastian tried to reason with him and Kurt looked like he was in deep thought of the metaphor that Sebastian was using towards himself, advancing himself in a different way towards him.

"So you're stating that you're running after Blaine only because I'm with him?"

"Yes," Sebastian chugged the hot chocolate in the mug, and felt its silky warm taste. "A boy is always sexier when he's attached to someone, and it makes him more desirable. All in all, it's fun and games. I get a little fun from having Blaine actually comment back to me. Even I've stated to Blaine multiple of times that I do _not_ love him. I do not commit to people."

"And _that_ should change," John's eyes were staring at Sebastian's owns. "I'd never ever thought I'd have to test Andrea's _little_ brother for STD's. Bas, it's risky, and it's playing with your body. One day, you're gonna land into a serious STD. HPV, for example, actually has cancer as a symptom. Hep A, B, C and D can cause you liver failure. It's not a fucking laughing matter when you're doing it for a few minutes of pleasure and I hardly think you use condoms."

Sebastian was blushing feverishly right then and then shook his head. "No, I don't."

"He's right, you know," Finn added on, nodding his head. "Like…I…really take sex seriously."

"Blaine knows I can be a bit of a prude," Kurt added on. "And he himself wants to wait, which also suggests that you should stop trying to land my boyfriend's pants in bed….what is it that you want? To be wanted? To be fucked? Why do you have to hop in bed with a different guy every single day of the week?"

"Because I can," Sebastian snapped back.

"Hardly think so."

"It's just my fucking nature, alright?" Sebastian snapped. "I don't like to be tied down. Relationships are damn messy. Just look at you and Blaine. Damn happy you may be, but fuck if you don't see that you have so many problems. Sex satisfies the good aspect of a relationship, whilst not tying me down to the small parts."

Kurt was blinking right now, and then shook his head. "Don't you ever feel like you don't want to be just another lay to someone?"

"Nice comeback, but no," Sebastian was twirling the fork around a piece of penne. "And yes, I am being serious before you even mention that. I don't want to be tied down. Why the fuck is that fucking hard to believe?" he snapped coldly.

"Bas," Andrea was staring at him. "Enough. They're here because they're worried about you."

Andrea heard the phone ring. She picked up her Blackberry and then watched as Sebastian continued to speak.

"By discussing my _possible_ suicidal thoughts and the fact that if I continue to sleep with men, I will land an STD and get cancer?" Sebastian repeated the sum of the conversation in his head, causing Andrea's shoulder to twitch at the way that Sebastian was viewing this as. Andrea was giving Sebastian the phone and Sebastian took it, face full of pride and apathy as he answered. "Yes?"

"Suicidal thoughts, sleeping with men and STD's?" the voice drawled out with a cold snide. Jean.

Sebastian's heart was caught in his throat all of a sudden. He waited until Jean spoke again, "I'm still coming in 4 days. I will bring my clients. I will come for Andrea. We need to figure out this deal. And you will not stand in my way, understand?"

"Yes, sir," Sebastian's voice was smaller now.

"And one more thing—suicide's for cowards. Fucking around with every man you see is just a sign of the fucking depression you don't deserve and please, please, do find a cure for your STD before it tries to get to my clients. Understood?"

"Of course," Sebastian's voice strained by the end.

"Nona will come."

Sebastian's eyes widened at the thought of his grandmother coming to see him, his Nona that so desperately used to love him the most. He can't let her see him _like this_. "Alright," and then Sebastian shakily gave her back the phone. Andrea was staring at him in concern as Sebastian pushed away his half-eaten plate and disappeared off to his room. "Bas, darling…" Andrea was calling out to her younger brother.

"I'll be in my room, planning out my suicide and sleeping with my poster of Mel Gibson," Sebastian shakily responded, as he left, hands still uncontrollably trembling as he shut and locked his door. He was pressing his head against his pillow, trying to maintain himself for himself, and he didn't cry. He didn't break down. He was okay. He tried to breathe in and out for a few hours, and had fallen asleep. By the time he'd woken up, he looked down to see 12 messages.

_Kurt Hummel: I'm not gonna ask you if you're okay. What happened? Andy's horrified something horrid happened, since she told us Daddy Dearest (not) called. What did he say?_

_Andrea Blankson: open the door, Bas._

_John Blankson: come on, Seb. Please don't be like this._

_Blaine Anderson: Kurt told me what happened :( are you gonna be okay? Talk to me at least._

_Kurt Hummel: you have to talk to someone, Bastian. You cannot go on like this. He obviously upset you. Talk._

_Burt Hummel: kid, Kurt's worried. You gotta talk to someone._

_Finn Hudson: your Father was really mean. Did he say even worse things this time?_

_Andrea Blankson: I will kill you, Bas._

_Kurt Hummel: Sebastian. Pick up your phone._

_Blaine Anderson: ?_

_Kurt Hummel: ? _

_Kurt Hummel: I won't leave you alone tomorrow. You need someone, Sebastian._

Sebastian nodded to himself. He was going to do this. He will get there. He will win Regionals, whether McKinley loved it or not, and he will be on top. No matter what happened. He will suffer to get there but it would all be worth it in the end. Sebastian had the door knock once more, and this time, Sebastian stared at the timing, which was at around two am.

_This is a bad idea. Even you fucking know that._ Sebastian didn't care though, as he grabbed his key, and drove off to Scandals. He needed to damn well escape. He needed sex. He needed animation. He needed ecstasy. The drive seemed to last longer than usual and when he walked in, he didn't even have to show Tom his ID, even though Tom pretty much knew he was underage. He stared around at the men around him, some dancing and some not. He hadn't even changed clothes.

He had one drink, two, three, four – he didn't count after that and when he was completely and utterly wasted, he'd woken up somewhere along the lines of a motel room. It smelled of cheap sex and nights in. Sebastian snapped his eyes towards the boy he'd fucked, and then his eyes widened when his eyes met with a pair of familiar eyes.

Oh, God. Sebastian was going to _throw up_. He was shaking again.

Blaine Anderson was staring back at him with a horrified, appalled expression. "Bas…"

"What the fuck were you doing in _Scandals_?" Sebastian found himself stating, eyes looking apologetic and wide and green and scared. That fear was so evident right now that Blaine couldn't push it away as Blaine pulled him slightly closer, running his hand down Sebastian's side.

"I was…I was looking for you. Andrea was scared. But instead, this bastard just kind of told me he'd tell me where you are if I had a shot contest with him and I don't do well with alcohol. Shit," Blaine stated, as he watched Sebastian stare at him, horrified, still too scared.

"Kurt's gonna kill me." _You're gonna have surgery because of me and you still fucking went around looking for me at the dead end of the night, Blaine. How the hell does that make me human?_

"Sebastian—"

"Kurt's gonna kill me. I fucked it all up again," Sebastian's voice was weak now again.

"We won't tell him," Blaine just suggested and Sebastian and Blaine stared at each other before giving a confirming nod. Sebastian had never felt more like a whore in his life, as he departed from Blaine's arms. He came back to the household around nine am, and Andrea was waiting impatiently. "Where the hell were you?" Sebastian can see from her eyes that she was recently crying, shoulders trembling as she held onto Lila.

"Scandals," Sebastian had no energy to be snide. "Fucking men."

"Sebastian, when will you fucking learn?"

"I'm sorry," Sebastian's voice was weak and that caused Andrea to pull the sleeping child into John's arms as she walked to her brother, and hugged him tightly, running her hand through Sebastian's hair and pulling him closely. She held him and she cried, and he held her back, but he was stoic, and apathetic. His eyes were onto the ground, mind racing with thoughts.

He really just hoped he'd burn in Hell after all of this was over.


	7. a deeper knotting spiral

_so...here's our next chapter for this. this is probably going to be very long considering it goes through and through everything that's going on currently. this begins in "Heart", 3x13._

* * *

><p>7<p>

a deeper knotting spiral

* * *

><p>Sugar Motta who can't sing a syllable was having a party. Kurt was feeling euphoric at that moment that he had gotten his first Valentine's telegram from the Valentine Gorilla, making his heart swoon and melt into liquid love, as he turned to look at the rest of the crew. The rest of the New Directions were stating who they were taking to Sugar's party. Kurt noticed that Sebastian was completely uninterested and was playing with his order of baked wedges before surrendering them to Finn, whom ate them happily without another word.<p>

"I'm taking an entire sorority house," Puck said, voice so full of pride.

Everyone seemed to just be amazed at him and that caused Sebastian's eyes to widen in horror. "How come when a guy fucks other guys he's a _whore_ but you're okay with a guy fucking an entire sorority?" his voice was thick with anger and rage and Kurt now dropping the Valentine's Day card that had made him happy, staring at Sebastian's face, which was full of contempt for the hypocritical contradictory world around him.

"That is true," Rachael suddenly said. "It's also the same for girls. A guy gets encouraged by others, whilst a girl is branded as a slut for even thinking of sleeping with a tonne of guys, which isn't fair."

Puck just shrugged and then looked over at Sebastian. "Who gave you shit about sleeping with guys?"

"Kurt," Sebastian stated. Mercedes raised an eyebrow at Kurt, whom was just sighing softly.

"I just worry."

"About _him_?" Rachael said, stating 'him' as if Sebastian was a sudden illness sitting in front of her.

Kurt met Sebastian's cold, hard eyes at once and knew how he was supposed to answer, as he fluidly responded. "About any gay guy that sleeps with a tonne of other gays—especially ones from Scandals, whom are much older than him, haven't even heard of protection, and most of them have tattoos engraved in every visible inch of skin, which I do worry about _constantly_."

"And girls don't carry STD's?" Sebastian challenged.

"True point…" Kurt's voice quieted down. This would be the end of the STD-don't-fuck-every-guy-you-see discussion they were having for a while now, and Sebastian knew it, thus revelled in his small sec of freedom for that little while. "Who else are you guys taking then?"

Rachael grabbed Finn's hand. Rory said he was taking Sugar to the dance. Artie just stared at him and then competed, saying that he was taking her to the dance. They started fuming over it for a good ten minutes before Puck turned to Sebastian. "And who are you taking? A frat?"

Sebastian's cheeks were colouring as he shook his head. "Some guy named David Karofsky."

Their heads completely snapped up at this as they stared at him. Sebastian coolly stared back, confusingly, and then asked them, "What? Is that a problem?" Sebastian's voice was lucid and clear, and suggested there would be no further discussions that would cause explosions of anger to be thrown around. They had one heated argument enough.

"No, just shocking, dude," Finn explained. "Karofsky used to go here, you know."

Kurt blushed and nodded his head. "Yeah—"

"I know who he is. Hello, how can I be your enemy if I _didn't_ do a background check?" Sebastian raised an eyebrow at them, and the arched eyebrow made him look slightly adorable in Kurt's eyes even if he still looked like he was going to kill them all if they said the wrong words.

Kurt however smiled back. "You suck."

"That's the best you can do, Hummel?" the bell rang a signal for them to leave, but however, afterschool, Kurt had cornered him as he got out of his two periods of Chemistry, grabbing him by the wrist and pulling him away from the general public. Kurt was staring up at him with a confused face. "I…what happened yesterday? You scared the shit out of us, Seb. Blaine didn't come home until the next morning, claiming he crashed at a friend's because he was so tired and the ride home was long."

"Went to Scandals," Sebastian said in an inaudible voice.

"That's where you met Dave?"

Sebastian nodded, even if it was a lie. He'd met Dave a few weeks ago, who had sat down with him and talked. They talked about Kurt and Sebastian mentioned how much he hated him. Dave thought his contempt for Kurt was adorable, but Sebastian can see a sudden adoration spring into Dave's eyes, that he would rather have Kurt underneath him withering as they kissed rather than hurt him.

"Don't hurt him," Kurt suddenly begged. "He's never been with a guy before. I swear, Sebastian, you said you never committed. Try this time. This is not a fuck fest. This is a _date_."

"Why should I listen to you?"

Kurt sighed. "Please, just do," Kurt was near begging again. "He deserves a lot more than just one night of pleasure, Sebastian. Please."

"Fine, but if I do and it doesn't work out, then you're handing me over Blaine for one night," Kurt's eyes were widening now, and he considered thinking about it for a while as he took a deep breath.

"Yes, yes, I will." He finally said, thinking over to the card this morning. "Like you said, I know that Blaine loves me, so even if I 'hand him over to you' for one night, he's not do anything with you." Now, Kurt was grinning widely, as if he'd just played Sebastian by his own game and Sebastian knew he was, playing dirty and twisting words and reusing phrases and playing with people like they were chess pieces.

"Clever."

"I learn from the conceited."

Sebastian genuinely smiled this time, causing Kurt's heart to thud. "Quite so."

* * *

><p>Andrea was horrified when she'd been talking to her phone with Jean Smythe. Her stomach was twisting in tight, coiled knots. When Sebastian and Kurt entered into the room, she knew they can see her sombre expression as she pulled the plates of lasagne towards them, causing Kurt to ask her. "What's wrong, Andy?"<p>

Andrea just opened her mouth. "…Regionals. Guess who's apparently a judge because another one dropped out?"

Kurt watched John open up the kettle to pour some tea as Andrea continued. "Jean Smythe is a judge for Regionals as to enhance corporate image by CSR whilst the company tries to fix the crisis at stake. They're practically sponsoring the event," Kurt's eyes widened. They'd never get into Nationals that way. They'd never do so, and Andrea could see Sebastian's face pale even harder than ever before. His knuckles were white as he clutched onto the handle of his coffee cup.

"I think I'm gonna be sick," Sebastian just stated, pushing away his plate of lasagne.

"He's not worth it," Kurt tried to explain to him. Sebastian looked like he was going to have a panic attack from how strongly he'd been holding the handle of his coffee cup that he didn't bring to his lips. Andrea felt a pang of pain for her younger brother, as she heard Lila call for her again. She just hoped that Sebastian would be fine. She can never tell anything with him, but she just hoped—

"I'm gonna go out on a date with Dave Karofsky," Sebastian said, voice now strong and adamant. Andrea didn't want to comment on the fact that Sebastian was actually going to try dating so when she returned; she simply had a comforting smile on her face.

* * *

><p>Sebastian had never felt sicker in his life. He just wanted to throw up whatever he'd eaten, which were three cups of coffee, and an apple. In three days his Father will be here and in three days, he will be judged again. In three meagre days. Sebastian hadn't gone to school in some time now, still paralysed by fear. It was March, March twenty-eight. He was looking down at his eggs, playing with them with his fork right now, and two pieces of toasted white bread. He'd had his legs crossed, and Andrea frowned, bringing herself closer to him. Sebastian's eyes were onto the olive oil-made eggs, and he shoved his plate away. "I'm not hungry," his voice was strong as Andrea stared down at Sebastian.<p>

Andrea gently ran her hand through his hair. "Three days and it'll be over. It'll be _okay_," she tried to soothe it out for him.

"I don't give a damn about what he thinks about me," Sebastian tried to explain but Sebastian was still somewhat shaky and panicky as he looked down at his lap. He pushed the plate away, not even wanting to think about the contents of the plate any longer. The day of the visit, Sebastian wouldn't sit down or eat or drink anything, and it had been around lunch time when Andrea had forcefully shoved down a hazelnut hot chocolate and a slice of buttered raisin bread down her little brother's throat. It wasn't much, but at least it was something to her. The door knocking had been the worst moment, because Andrea could see Sebastian's face fully paling right then, hands nearly shaking, as he pulled himself close to the table, tried not to make a singular expression as he stared at the plate in front of him.

Soon after, John had walked inside but there was another man behind him with a mess of wavy blonde hair and sympathetic-looking warm blue eyes, as he sat down onto the chair. He grabbed onto Sebastian's hands, strongly, and then with a shaky breath, "Sebastian, I need to tell you something. My name is Dr Ryan." The door opened again and Sebastian was paralysed at the sight of his Father and Mother walking in. His Nona was behind, sweet and gentle smile and Sebastian felt seriously sick to the stomach.

"Shall I come back another time?" Ryan asked.

Sebastian was about to open his mouth when Jean cut in. "No, no, what is it?"

"We tested blood and urine samples for Sebastian and I found…" Ryan cocked his head to one side, looking like Sebastian was a dead man before he softly stated, "…a rather alarming decrease in Sebastian's CD4 T-cell count, which happens a lot when…people are infected with human immunodeficiency virus."

"That's fucking HIV," Jean suddenly said, eyes locking with Sebastian.

Ryan seemed to flinch and Sebastian felt some sort of white-hot pain erupt in his empty stomach as Ryan nodded slowly. "Yes, and I want Sebastian to see me at least one or twice a week for drug therapy purposes. There's HAART, so that Sebastian can take a cocktail of three drugs. It's not a solution but it's best until now….Sebastian, what do you think?"

"I think you should leave," Sebastian's voice was soft and Ryan simply nodded his head, before leaving, passing through the rather enraged man. He didn't want to look at Jean, or Adrianne, or his Nona, or Andrea. Soon after, his clients were by the doorway, and they were standing there with rather confused eyes. Jean was breathing out and Sebastian knew that he was going to get it later. He looked at his clients with a sudden smile on his face. "Bruce, Andrew, George—come on in, please, don't be shy."

"Hiya, little Bas' all grown up, spreading HIV now, aren't we?" Bruce's laugh was contagious. "No wonder, he looks like a _model_. Girlfriend didn't handle you well, sweetie?"

"He's gay," George suddenly stated.

"What? He's gay?" Bruce repeated. "Doesn't look it! Come on, son. Come here." Bruce grabbed him and took him into a strong embrace.

Andrew nodded and then ran his hand through Sebastian's hair. "My ex-wife had HIV. You can still have sex you know, Bas. Just used condoms and shit with your guy."

Jean seemed to stare at his clients agape, with a confused look on his face. Andrea and John were raising their eyebrows at Jean's clients near idolisation of Sebastian. Jean coughed slightly, and Sebastian looked up, knowing that he will get it later, knowing that his Father was strongly angry that he stole the spotlight for being an attention-whore. Sebastian was sinking away as George grabbed onto his wrist. "Come on, kiddo! What do you think? Should we invest in Kinate or what?"

"I'd love to hear what Bas has to say…"

He had all the reasons to say no, all of the reasons in the world. Instead, Sebastian pulled his face into pure and utter seriousness and nodded. "Invest," his voice was slightly strained and Bruce seemed to nod his head, running his hand against Sebastian's hair again.

"You are such a sweet son."

Sebastian nodded and felt tears surfacing to his eyes. "I really want to go sleep now. I'm real tired," Sebastian said, voice strong and adamant as he pushed through the room and then shut it. He didn't leave for a while and he didn't want to. He can hear rounds of celebrations and applause and that Kinate was gonna sign a contract with Afesat in a month after George, Andrew and Bruce get back from their meeting in England, where they were announce that they'd decided to merge with Kinate. Sebastian didn't know where along those lines, but he truly did fall asleep.


	8. roses and thorns

8

roses and thorns

* * *

><p>Sebastian's eyes were onto the bouquet of tulips sent to him. Tulips were a sign of friendship, and the sender probably knew that. He inspected the tulip as if he would inspect a diamond ring, and realised in all of his time, he hadn't had anyone send him flowers before. Sebastian put down the tulip, and then read the small white card attached. '<em>Andy told me what happened. Talk to me? –Blaine A.<em>' Sebastian took a deep breath because Blaine knew that Sebastian's weak spot was the curly-haired ravenette.

Sebastian did just ring him, as he waited for Blaine to answer the phone. He answered after one singular ring, indicating that he was waiting for him to call.

_"Bastian?" _Blaine's voice was so full of concern that it nearly stabbed at Sebastian's heart – someone, concerned for him? It was unbelievable, but at the same time, it was the only thing that created that tentative little smile to form on his lips, a genuine tentative smile.

"Are you going to ditch the ferret and come to me?" Sebastian asked, full of cockiness and self-assurance.

He could nearly feel Blaine flush on the other line, and Kurt roll his eyes. He'd grown to know them a bit more, even if he didn't want to. Blaine, however, changed the subject. "You've…you've got HIV, right? Bastian, Kurt's gonna throw 'I told you so's all over your face."

Sebastian was now grunting. "Don't want to hear the fairy princess tell _me_ I told you so, and here's why – _he's not going to know_!" Sebastian's voice was erratic, and it was clear that he didn't want anyone else to know. "It's just between you and me—"

"Bas, you can't—"

Sebastian cut him off. "If you tell him about my HIV, I'll tell him what really went down the night you and I were together."

"…Bas…" Blaine's voice was now full of fear. "I was the last person you—"

"Yes."

"…I think I'm the reason you've got HIV." Blaine's voice was softer now and Sebastian's eyes were widened as he thought of the possibility. _Blaine Anderson gave him HI-fucking-V for God's sake_? Did that mean that Blaine had it too? Or did he, Sebastian Smythe, give an STD to him? "I had a blood transfusion last term due to a car accident that…"

"Kurt doesn't know about." Sebastian could count the things they were keeping from Kurt by one hand now.

"Exactly."

"And why would you keep a car accident disclosed information?"

"Because—because Burt begged me not to. He…he accidentally acted somewhat irresponsibly during the car ride, and he was taking a call and he got us into the crash. He doesn't want Kurt to know and I haven't done anything with Kurt and—"Blaine's voice was cracking. "I am so sorry, Sebastian. I am the one that gave you HIV. I know I have it because of the car crash…and…I let…did anything happen?"

"My Father knows, Blaine_. My Father knows_!" Sebastian hollered darkly, his voice was full of anguish and pain at the thought of his Father looking down at him even further than he was now. He sighed erratically and shut the phone, slipping onto the bedside and looking at his feet. Andrea slowly opened the door to see her brother sitting there, looking lost and confused. "Bas—"

"I'm not doing it," Sebastian's voice was adamant. "I will not take the treatment. I will not inject a cocktail of fucking drugs in my system. I am not hungry for dinner. I do not need _anyone_. Now, leave, Andrea. I suppose I covered it all, didn't I?"

"Bas," Andrea sat down beside him, voice more adamant now. "He doesn't know anything, sweetheart. He doesn't."

Sebastian was laughing by then, shaking his head. "I'm a broken record. Now, leave," Sebastian ushered him, heart still in pain from how his Father was looking at him upon hearing about the HIV. He didn't even want to think what would happen next. He didn't even want to go to Scandals and drink himself away because it wasn't fair for whoever would fuck him to get what he got.

"You're shaking, Sebastian."

Sebastian shook his head, even though he himself was sure that Andrea was right, that he was really shaking. "I am so sick of this, Andrea. I am so sick of everything." Sebastian tried to explain, as he looked at her with lost eyes. Sebastian took his phone and then dialled Kurt's number, not even looking back and thinking of the consequences, as he pressed the phone to his ear. "Hello, Hummel?"

"Sebastian—"

"Blaine's been in a car accident before with your Father, who told me not to tell you because he promised your Father. However, due to the car crash, he had to have a few blood transfusions and was infected by HIV." Sebastian could hear Kurt's erratic breathing. "When he went to look for me that night, he landed himself in Scandals and was ushered by one of the guys there to drink, so he drank, and when Blaine drinks, he forgets his own sexuality and preferences and we slept with each other. And he didn't want to tell you because he's scared and I'm sick of everything so I'm telling you now. Your boyfriend infected me with HIV. My Father knows and I will never be enough. Thank you."

Sebastian shut the phone and then felt tears burn into his eyes, but he held them back. Andrea's eyes were widened in horror, as she tried to hold Sebastian in some sort of comfort, but he just shoved her away. "Nona was there," Sebastian's voice was strained. "And Momma was there. How can I look at them? How…how the fuck can I look at my fucking self?" Sebastian's voice took a darker, stronger tone at the end, as he sighed, irritated.

"Bastian, honey, he's—"

"Wrong? Stupid?" Sebastian tried to help her. "_I _don't believe that. You know that you can insult him all you want and I still won't think any less of him."

Andrea was just staring at her brother, unable to say a word, stunned, as she left, and hoped for the best. Tears were collecting in her eyes as she just stated something about her keeping leftovers in the fridge, and watched as Sebastian kicked the door. He didn't walk down for school the next day and she didn't push him at all, knowing that he was in a fragile position right now.

* * *

><p>When Kurt saw Sebastian Smythe next time, he was wearing the watch that Kurt had given him – actually, he hadn't taken it off ever since Kurt had given it to him. His hair was covered by a fedora, with a rather large ivory bow, and the fedora was near black, but not quite. He was wearing a blouse, a pair of black fingerless gloves, and an ash-grey cardigan. His pants were a nice black fabric. The minute that the New Directions saw him, Kurt bit down his lower lip, wanting to ask him if he was okay.<p>

"Where the hell were you the past couple of days? Ditching? Parents let you ditch?" Puck was grinning at the last part as Sebastian just nodded his head.

"I had _better_ things to do than waste my time in some education system that is much more mediocre than the Dalton system," Sebastian explained smoothly. Rory suddenly stood up, and told them that he'd have to go to Ireland at the end of the year, but then started to sing _Home_. Sebastian froze, feeling the need to punch Rory in the nuts, as he was singing.

Kurt can notice his discomfort immediately. When Rory was done with the song, Sebastian was completely silent and quiet, and eyes looking completely and utterly nostalgic, and Kurt felt a pang of pain for him. Kurt stood up and walked over to him then Sebastian whispered under his breath. "If you hit me, try to watch the face. I bruise quite easily and I do not want to mention to Andrea that I was hit by Kurt Hummel—"

"How could you sleep with him?" Kurt's voice was soft, hurt. Sebastian was expecting anger, except he was just receiving complete and utter hurt on Kurt's end – almost as if Kurt thought of him as a betraying friend. "I called Blaine. He was crying, all hurt, and confused, and he swore that he didn't remember anything and he said that you woke up both confused, that it was a mistake…"

Kurt's voice was now shaky. "Alright. I get it. You were both drunk. It was a one-off, but it doesn't change the fact that Blaine lied to me about—"

"Didn't do it to protect himself," Sebastian suddenly cut through Kurt's statement, making Kurt stare at him in confusion as Sebastian elaborately explained the situation at hand. "Did it to protect your Father. To protect _you_. He gives a damn about him having HIV as much as you give a damn about football."

Kurt was staring at Sebastian now, agape, mind reeling with thoughts, as he nodded slowly. "You're defending him."

Sebastian raised an eyebrow.

Kurt was smiling genuinely. "Just like _friends_ do."

"Can it, Hummel. I'm still trying to get into his pants, except this time I want to remember it," Sebastian explained, eyes on Kurt's own as Kurt laughed sweetly, causing Sebastian to grin nicely at him. The rest of the Gleeks were staring at them and Kurt was aware that he'd taken Sebastian near the pianos and was talking to him, and they were gossiping about what they were talking about. He'd heard Brittany's theory about Sebastian and him actually plotting against Blaine, and Puck's theory about Kurt giving Sebastian a piece of his mind.

That night, Kurt drove over to Breadstix. Cards all around him that make him feel at ease, thinking that Blaine was trying so hard to make him happy even after the HIV thing blew out of control. He can think of Blaine's eye surgery right now. He'd ask him to show up at Breadstix and Kurt hoped that he was okay and that he was sure when he scheduled a date with him so close to his eye surgery. He should actually be in home resting. Kurt entered Breadstix uncomfortably, thoughts on what to do since Blaine's eye surgery was too close. The Valentine Gorilla had appeared, and had given him a final card.

_Happy Valentine's Day, Kurt. I think I love you_. Kurt was still slightly confused, as Blaine had told him he'd loved him a long time ago. With that thought clouding his mind, the mask was removed to reveal David Karofsky, as in the David Karofsky that scheduled a date with Sebastian and left him, as in the David Karofsky that used to bully him because he was so lost—"Dave." Kurt's voice was full of emotion.

_"How could you do this to me?"_

David and Kurt turn around to see Sebastian standing there, looking completely and utterly confused. Apparently, he wasn't hoping that Sebastian would show up. Sebastian was staring at complete and utter disbelief at Kurt and Dave as he shook his head. "Is this—is this your sick way of getting back at me, Hummel?" Kurt could see why Sebastian had accused him but the accusation caused Kurt's heart to puncture painfully as he stared at Sebastian staring back at them as if they'd murdered a part of him. "How could you do this to me?" Sebastian repeated.

"Am I not good enough?"

Dave was about to open his mouth when Sebastian laughed. "Fuck you," Sebastian suddenly stated, and turned to leave. Kurt was standing there, stunned, and afraid of what was going to happen next. When Kurt turned around again, he was facing Blaine, who was clutching a bouquet of roses, and Blaine had his mouth gaped open, eye on the card in Kurt's hand.

"Made Bas drive me over here when Cedes told me you were going to Breadstix," Blaine said in a soft voice. "Promised him I'd start responding to his texts again." Blaine tried to explain, chuckling sadly, as he gave Kurt the roses.

Kurt was standing there, stunned, as tears welled up in his eyes, at the sight of Blaine leaving. "Blaine—"Blaine was already gone and then Kurt turned around to the empty air. "Sebastian?" the roses were too sweet, and his throat hurt him too much, and he didn't know what to do as Dave put a hand on Kurt's shoulder.

"I'm sorry."

Kurt slowly nodded his head, but then left without another sound, clutching the bouquet of roses until his fingers bled from the thorns.


	9. hiding the truth

_sorry for my lack of updating, sweeties. it was quite hard to find an angle but i found one i did want to work with and this is going to be extremely, extremely fun. so now that Heart is out of the way. we're doing "On My Way", 3x14, so the events of the next few chapters follow in perfect sequence. except it doesn't start in this chapter. just a future warning for now. _

* * *

><p>9<p>

hiding the truth

* * *

><p>Sugar was handing out gift cards. The God Squad sung like a bunch of fairies. The night was swinging in pure red, pink and sweet colours of adoration. They made Kurt feel sick. They made Sebastian spazz out in boredom and the cheeriness of the dreaded event. All Kurt can feel was a strong amount of pain as he watched Blaine stand there to sing <em>Love Shack<em>, not even giving him a glance. Sebastian was beside him, lying down, leg crossed over the other.

"You are the worst date ever." Kurt muttered.

"It's a _pretend_ date, Hummel, as in…you took me so you can spy on your rather sexy boyfriend," Sebastian said, causing Kurt to roll his eyes as he took a bite out of salmon sushi, mind still on Blaine, as his voice filled the room – so warm, sending a tingle through Kurt's spine. It was only after the performance was done that Kurt stood up, and grabbed Blaine's hand.

"Blaine, please, talk to me."

Blaine didn't end their relationship, but his eyes were now staring at Kurt's own, as he bit down his lower lip. "You didn't tell me."

"I didn't _know_, Blaine! I thought it was _you_ sending me love letters. They were anonymous and sent by a Valentine Gorilla. I didn't _know_ that Dave Karofsky would be there. I swear," Kurt was reinforcing the idea.

Now, his mind was reeling. "I promised Sebastian that if he and Karofsky dating doesn't go well that I'd…let him have you. As in…take you out on a date."

Sebastian was smirking now at Blaine, whom was looking away in horror. "_Kurt_!"

Blaine then took a deep breath as Sebastian glared at him icily.

"You _owe_ it to me! You gave me HIV!" Sebastian suddenly exploded, causing Blaine to look down at his feet, before shaking his head, as if trying not to think it was true, whilst Blaine took a deep breath, looking up at Sebastian with sorry eyes, but there was so much clouded confusion in them as well as Blaine pursed his lips together, biting down his lower lip enough to draw out blood.

"Okay," Blaine suddenly said, voice weak, but his eyes were on Kurt first. "Why?"

"He obviously thought that two jerks would be amazing together," Santana suddenly said, crossing her arms. "At least one of them changed. Poor guy. What'd you do to blow him off?"

Sebastian looked enraged. "Did you not learn anything from the Megadeth song? Did you not learn anything _at all_, Lopez? I do have a shred of decency and he's in love with Hummel because Hummel seems to get everything good and sorted out for him!"

Kurt suddenly flushed a deep watermelon colour from the rage that was inside of him as he finally snapped. "I did not! That guy bullied me for a good part of my high school life. I was just _there_ for him when he needed me, just like I'm here for you now! You know what, Sebastian? Yeah. Maybe. You're right. Maybe I _do_ have everything. At least I don't have a Father that fucking _disowned_ me because I decided that throwing slushies at people is okay, and that fucking every guy I see is just fine and dandy—"

Sebastian threw a punch at Kurt, sending him straight towards the ground. The bruise set in minutes on his fragile skin from the impact of the punch bursting his capillaries. Kurt even look mildly scared staring up at him. Sebastian's shoulder was shaking and Kurt knew it was more likely from the anger that masked the insecurity.

Sebastian was staring back up at Blaine. "Go back to your prissy boyfriend, Anderson. Suddenly, I'll hear rumours about me being an abusive spouse or some shit."

Kurt was still touching the cold skin as if he couldn't believe what he'd just witnessed. Just as Sebastian was about to leave, Dave Karofsky stood there, enraged as he pummeled Sebastian to the ground with such force that Kurt was slightly afraid that he'd broken Sebastian. Sebastian stared back up at him, chest rising. "David, please!" Kurt scrambled to his feet, as he watched Dave give him multiple blows on his stomach. Sebastian winced with every throw, as Kurt's hands were around Sebastian's shoulder.

"DAVID, STOP!" almost as if it was just hitting his mind, Dave let out one final blow, to Sebastian's cheek. Sebastian stared up at Kurt with so much hatred that Kurt didn't even know it was possible to hate someone so much.

"Kurt, I didn't like him hitting you," Dave finally confessed.

Kurt stared down at Sebastian whom finally stood up, wincing at the pain in his stomach. Sebastian stared at Dave as if he was finally seeing him for the first time. "You were supposed to be mine!" Sebastian suddenly exclaimed. "You said yes to our fucking date! How the hell was I supposed to know you have your ass in over your head and are in love with Kurt fucking Hummel?"

Dave opened his mouth. "I thought…you know, 'cause Kurt might not want me, I'd have a—"

"A rebound." Sebastian suddenly realised.

Dave slowly shut his eyes as he nodded his head.

"That's all I fucking am to anyone," Sebastian hissed, giving one cold look over to Kurt, and then shuffling away.

Kurt looked back and saw that Blaine had gotten him an ice pack for his cheek, and Kurt took it into his hand, pressing it against his cheek before wincing at the feel of the ice, and then slowly being cooled off by it. "Fuck," Kurt swore under his breath. "Blaine, I-"

"…talk to me, Kurt," Blaine suddenly stated. "I don't know what's going on anymore."

Kurt looked down. "I didn't tell you about Karofsky sending me love letters, alright, but you… you didn't tell me about HIV. I just realised this, Blaine—what you did was _worse_, you know? And I didn't have to do all of this stupidity to get a point across."

"I was trying to protect—"

"_Yourself_," Kurt cut in. "Did you think I'd suddenly look at you like you're a whore? Blaine, I love you. How…how can you?"

Blaine suddenly looked down at his feet as Kurt shuffled. "See you around, Blaine," and with that, the red-and-pink decorations looked a lot like blood and guts, as Kurt found himself outside of the building, eyes staring at the world around him as if it was suddenly new to him.

Kurt took a deep breath, found his car, pressed the ice-pack harder against his cheek, and put on the ignition.

He nearly cried when "_Teenage Dream" _blared out the radio.

"Hummel," Sebastian greeted.

Kurt suddenly looked back at Sebastian as if he wasn't expecting him to be here at all. Then Kurt realised, he was the one that took Sebastian over, and he was the one that used him as a date to try and get into Sugar's Valentine's Day party. Kurt took a deep breath. "You didn't deserve that hit—"

"Just stop, Hummel, okay? Don't talk to me, because the last thing I remember you _blurting out to the entire fucking world_ is that my Father _disowned_ me. Tomorrow, everyone will fucking _know_. It won't be a secret and my Father will kill me," at the end of that, Sebastian completely phased out, looking at the window. "My Father will _kill_ me, Hummel."

"He _won't_—"

"Oh, _please_," Sebastian huffed.

Kurt backed their car away before Blaine can come around and then took a deep breath. He was about to say something to Sebastian but he was sure if he did, Sebastian would give him a matching bruise on his face. Kurt felt a certain heaviness in his stomach and chest as he drove that was a lot like guilt and pain. Sebastian left to his sister's apartment without looking back at Kurt and before Sebastian can enter, Kurt finally asked. "Do you want to go to Scandals?"

Sebastian looked back at him as if it was the most insane question.

"No."

Sebastian stepped inside of his sister's apartment and Kurt felt a feeling of dread in his stomach. Tomorrow, everyone will know. Tomorrow, it would be on every news station, every newspaper, every social network—Jean Smythe's empire will fall, snap, and shatter all at once. The clients that had gone by Sebastian's suggestions would leave him. Kinate will die.

Sebastian suddenly sat up straight, feeling as empty as ever before. He stared at the bruise that Dave had left him, and then back at the watch that Kurt had given him, tracing it with his finger, as he bit down his lower lip. _Tomorrow_.

Tomorrow, everything fell apart.

Sebastian Smythe was curled up into a ball when he heard his phone ring. He answered it immediately, expecting his Father's cold voice. Sebastian bit down, preparing for the worst, but instead, he heard his Mother's sweet voice. "Sebastian?"

"Momma, I tried."

"…everyone knows. Everyone."

"It was that fucking Hummel's fault. I swear." Sebastian desperately tried to explain as his breathing got worse and worse by the minute, and then Nathalie's voice cut in and Sebastian realised that nothing in his life could prepare him for what she was going to say next.

"Your Father wants you to pretend you're a schizophrenic, so he can explain to the media why you've said that. He might even pretend to take you out on a few dinners before he moves back to France."

Sebastian's mouth was agape, his mind reeling with horror…they were going to move back to France, without him. He was going to be alone. He was going to be used as a prop.

Sebastian finally found his voice. "…pretend to have a _mental disorder_ just so he can glitter in the lights? Is he fucking insane?"

"Sebastian-"

Sebastian cut her off. "Momma."

"He loves you," the woman tried to state, tried to cajole him otherwise, but Sebastian knew the truth that was hidden behind the painted walls, the lies that his Mother told him to make him sleep at night as a boy wouldn't work on him right now.

"When does he want me there for the press?" Sebastian suddenly asked, staring at the mirror to see a man standing before him that looked a lot like a stranger. His eyes, devoid of any emotion.

"Six o'clock."

Sebastian's throat felt dry. "Okay," he said. "_Okay_."

"Sebastian, sweetie, you are amazing, _stunning_!" Nathalie called out and then shut the line. Sebastian curled up into his bed, stared at the wall for what felt like forever. When Andrea knocked onto his door, he threw a pillow at the doorway and told her that if she stepped inside of the room, he will personally make sure that Lila did not get any sleep that night.

"Well," Sebastian stared at the ceiling with broken eyes. "At least now Hummel can call me clinically insane."


	10. that mental charade

_Like I said, this differs from the episodes due to the fact that Sebastian's influencing some events and some events influenced others to lead to this. I hope it makes sense! YES. I am bringing out the stereotypical portrayal of schizophrenia in movies brought on by the media because I think that that's what's gonna cause angst…especially from Kurt, because Kurt doesn't LIKE stereotypes. It can be very offensive-y for people who do have schizophrenia and the most I know is a few details here and there, so be very open-minded. Also, religious issues brought on! Be very open-minded yet again, because Sebastian comes off as slightly atheist-y. I suppose if you watched the series, especially with Kurt's views, then you'd be okay with the whole religious ordeal I'm stepping in here but it's for a good reason and is vital to the plot. I don't mind if you stop reading if you KNOW it's gonna offend you._

* * *

><p>10<p>

that mental charade

* * *

><p>Kurt Hummel was sitting just beside Rachel Berry and he was looking at wedding magazines with her. Today, Nick had called him to confirm their event, seeing as Kinate was still in re-assembling themselves even though they swore that they were going to partner in with Afesat. Kurt had been extremely amazed by this. Afesat was known, of course, and most importantly, it was known for being on-the-top. Kurt had a small suspicion that Afesat would be there for Nationals as well for CSR purposes, at least sponsoring the event, thus had to say a few words and if Kinate merged with Afesat, then shit will go down.<p>

Kurt Hummel pointed towards one of the dressers with zeal and enthusiasm. Rachel laughed. They were having a _fabulous_ time if Kurt said so himself. Then he saw a Swatch's glittering surface and realised that Sebastian was standing there, wearing the clothes that Kurt had gotten him during the slushie event, but Sebastian didn't seem to mind being dressed as Kurt for the moment.

"I bought an engagement gift," but Kurt can hear the spite in Sebastian's voice.

Sebastian had given a brown papery envelope and Kurt had opened it, and then vehemently jumped up, staring at Sebastian with eyes so full of anger. This caused Kurt to stare at him as Sebastian went on. "You're gonna call Nick up and cancel that stupid Warbler event, because I'm not gonna look at him or that picture will be quite the highlight of Jacob's blog – which by the way, is a scared little prissy cat."

_"…you're gonna let him upload a picture of my naked boyfriend?"_

The picture was taken by a phone – probably Sebastian's Android from the angle – and this caused him to be extremely well-pissed off at him.

"24 hours." Sebastian stated, and was just about to leave when Kurt grabbed the wedding magazine and hit Sebastian at the back of his head causing the taller ex-Warbler to look back before lunging at him, grabbing him by his stylised hair and tugging at it whilst he laid on top of Kurt's body. Kurt swung a punch at Sebastian's stomach, causing his breathing to eradicate.

"I've got sickle-cell anaemia. You don't want to do that," Sebastian snarled, but Kurt didn't seem too phased by it. Face full of hot-white rage, as he pulled Sebastian away from him.

"_Enough_!" Kurt exclaimed.

"Sebastian, I hate you! I can't stand you and if you step a bit out of line then_ I will kill you—"_

Kurt put a hand over his mouth and then shook his head. _Dave's words_, out of his mouth, threatening Sebastian. Sebastian stared back at him in mild shock, and Rachel seemed to realise this just as fast as he did.

"24 hours," Sebastian repeated, voice still taking in Kurt's hatred for him as Kurt bit down his lower lip.

"I didn't mean it!" Kurt called out after. "I can't even swat a fly—!" Kurt watched him disappear off, as Kurt's breathing erratically sped with the passing seconds.

Kurt looked back at Rachel, with soft eyes. "I didn't _mean_ to say that….I of all people…shouldn't…"

"Kurt, it's just a threat."

"It's the threat that scared me so much I barely ate or slept in days! It's the kind of thing I _never_ should say, Rache. I know what it _does_."

"Sebastian _isn't_ fragile." Rachel tried to explain to him.

"_No_, Rachel," Kurt's lips quivered, as his mind thought of that boy, that broken small boy that was crying and crying just a few minutes after his Father left, lost, confused, dazed. "He's as fragile as porcelain," he laughed emptily at his statement.

"I shouldn't have said that," Kurt repeated.

"Kurt! _Are you listening to yourself_? All you did was threaten—"

"—_to kill him_. Just like Karofsky did. How come when he says it I have a band of people behind me telling me it's not right, but when I do it, nobody's in it for him?"

"You're not a jerk, Kurt."

Kurt stared back at her. "I _threatened_ him, Rache. I _exposed_ the fact that he was _disowned_. I organised an event with people that he hates and expects him to be _okay_ with it? I asked him to be a _pretend date _for me, and then he was so hurt when Dave told him _he was using him as a rebound_—that's all I ever did was _use_ him. I'm a _bully_, Rache." Kurt's mind dawned on realisation of the events.

"Kurt, that-that's not true," Rachel tried to assure him otherwise. "Why are you on his side?"

"Who _else_ is going to take his side? Nobody, Rachel. His parents? No, he's _disowned_. I was there when it happened. He cried, Rachel. _He cried_."

"Kurt," Rachel shoved the envelope at him. "He's the guy that took naked pictures of your boyfriend. He's not exactly a saint."

Kurt curled his lower lip. "He's scared shitless about facing the Warblers again."

"So, you're gonna call the whole thing off and not let us go to Regionals? Kurt, I can't believe how _selfish_ you're being—"

"No," Kurt suddenly said. "But…but I'm not gonna let Nick or any of the Warblers talk back to him. He threatened me not to say anything for him, but I think it's mostly because he doesn't want to let me in. He doesn't let anyone in."

Rachel seemed to look at him suddenly as if he'd grown two heads. "…a-are you sure about this?"

"Yes, and don't worry, I'll take care of the whole Blaine issue without having to tell Blaine." Kurt said, and the first thing he'd done when he'd gotten home was call Sebastian Smythe, with a very strong voice. When Sebastian answered, Kurt launched in despite how nervous he'd felt about saying this out. "I'm gonna defend you. It's gonna be okay being with the Warblers again and everyone knows you've been disowned. I don't think…I don't think they'll hate you for it. They're sweethearts, Sebastian."

Sebastian didn't say anything.

"Bas?"

"I wasn't gonna upload the stupid fucking picture anyway." Sebastian shut the phone and Kurt felt a mixture of response, one was victory, and the other one was pain, because he was right, and partially because Kurt somewhat thought that Sebastian was now afraid of him. With that thought curdling in Kurt's blood, he shut his eyes tightly.

Kurt had eaten lunch with Carole and Burt and his Father and stepbrother insisted that they stay on the couch and watch the game. Kurt rolled his eyes, as they flipped through channels. Kurt grabbed the remote and flipped back to another channel as they were made by blonde hair and a pair of dark brown eyes that suctioned any type of warmth around him like a black hole.

Kurt wanted to growl.

A girl stood by Jean Smythe, and she looked exceptionally alike to Sebastian. Kurt realised it must be his Mother, as she had the same hair colour, elongated, thin face, and insanely beautiful green eyes, and was wearing a dress – if Kurt wasn't wrong – that was from the very recent Gucci collection. "Jean Smythe, how do you respond to the talk around Lima about you disowning your own son?"

_"My son?" _Jean said in near incredulity. "_Disowning him_? I would _never_…" Jean seemed to be an amazing actor from what Kurt could see because his eyes were flashing a dark, hard brown at the thought of him 'disowning his son'.

Jean grabbed onto Sebastian's arm and pulled him close, running his hand across Sebastian's hair in a near loving manner. "No, no, of course not. My son is unstable of course. He is a _paranoid schizophrenic_ and this seems to be one of his _delusions_—"

"_Paranoid_. _Schizophrenic_." Kurt's voice was high with disbelief.

"My son is on Clozapine and goes to CBT regularly. It's even stated so in Sebastian's medical records that he has had schizophrenia for the last four years. For this, we had to shift him from Dalton to a more public school with less restrictions—it hasn't been disclosed that he does have schizophrenia because my poor child simply wanted to be normal."

"_Bullshit_!" Burt suddenly called out.

Kurt nodded his head, silently watching with eyes so hard he hoped that from the pure fire in his eyes, Jean Smythe would burn on the spot. No such luck happened unfortunately.

"Sebastian's being awfully quiet," the reporter noticed.

"He's seeing things that aren't there. Of course he's paying attention to something else." Jean tried to explain.

"How violent is he?"

"Quite."

Jean grabbed Sebastian's hand.

"No, you disowned me!" Sebastian tried to put up a rather very believable act as he pulled out a switchblade from his pocket, looking rather very angry, as Nathalie pulled him over to one side, and tried to assure him otherwise, but Sebastian's eyes looked nearly murderous.

"He agreed to letting his Father play _victim_?" Carole's voice was full of shock.

Finn shook his head. "I just—you know, I didn't think that…"

Kurt pulled himself out of the couch, putting down his untouched plate, and in haste, he walked up to his room, trudging towards the mug in front of him, his Mother's mug, and he looked down, staring at it for solace. Kurt grabbed the mug, ready to nearly shatter it. The Warblers and Sebastian's proposal this morning was just out of his mind. He wondered what Andrea thought right now. If Andrea was going to go with this stupid plotline that Sebastian wasn't really disowned and was just a schizophrenic with a set of delusions.

* * *

><p>Sebastian brought himself towards the edge of the bed, sitting down, feeling a quaint heaviness in his stomach. He was starving and the nausea lingered in his mind. His Father got an amazing angle, didn't he? He had all the family records to prove it. Dammit if he knew his grandmother was a paranoid schizophrenic. They could pretend all they wanted to the media—and Jean knew what real schizophrenia was like, yet he went on with what the media would've wanted.<p>

His Nona would be very hurt right now. Sebastian wanted to see her but he can't. He can't imagine how it must be like. Sebastian saw Andrea step inside of the room, with a look of pure horror sprayed on her face.

"Sebastian, what was _that_?" she was angry.

Sebastian looked down at his lap.

"Nona will _never_ _ever_ talk to you after _that_."

"I'll pack my bags and leave tomorrow." Sebastian muttered softly under his breath.

"Sebastian, you're not leaving anywhere. I am not going to kick you out. _You're my brother!"_

_"Well, he was my Father and he still kicked me out!"_

"Well, according to the _media_, that's a _delusion_," Andrea spat it out with venom, as she stared at Sebastian starting to shake. She hugged him tightly and Sebastian hoped she was too upset to notice he was smaller. He felt smaller in her arms. Andrea's hand was in his hair and she sobbed. "Can't you just be normal, Sebastian?"

"No, apparently, I'm mentally insane," Sebastian was shaking.

"They made you take pills you didn't need on live television, Bas—_what is it going to do to you_? If you're going to keep up this stupid insane charade, they're going to make you take it all the time, as if you really need it, but you don't, Bastian. You don't need it."

Sebastian felt Andrea cup his cheek as she hugged him even tighter. "I love you, Sebastian, and you're being unreasonably stupid."

Sebastian looked down at his feet, unable to look into her eyes as she slept. He felt a whole new emptiness claw into his body, destroying him.

* * *

><p>Sebastian walked inside of the church next to the Hudson-Hummel household. He had passed this by when Andrea had talked him but he hadn't walked in. Andrea had told him that not all churches were right, right? Sebastian stepped inside to find the preacher standing by the podium, and then stared at him with rather sceptical eyes as Sebastian sat down.<p>

"Preacher Gabriel," he introduced himself, sitting down beside Sebastian all of a sudden.

Sebastian sighed but didn't say anything. Gabriel didn't either, not for a while, as he looked at Sebastian with intense eyes, as if he was trying to decipher him. "How do you know that there's a God? There's not even any proof that there's a _freakin' Lord_ to praise."

Gabriel didn't berate him, which was what Sebastian was expecting. "Why are you asking me to judge you?"

Sebastian suddenly looked up at him with confused eyes.

"You say those words in hopes that I will scream at you, hate you, _deny you_—what are you rebelling against?"

"Everything," Sebastian muttered back. "Every single damn thing."

"Then why are you here? So that you can be told that you're _not_ religious and the Lord will not accept you, _which is not in any person's ability to decide?" _

Sebastian looked around the church as if asking himself, and then looked into Gabriel's deep blue eyes. "I'm gay." Sebastian added on as if that would be the final straw. "I pretended to have schizophrenia so that my Father could look good on media. I have HIV."

"I can't judge you, brother," Gabriel called out. "If I do, I do God's doing."

Sebastian looked at Gabriel's eyes yet again.

Gabriel stood up and then turned to look at Sebastian. "You are _safe_ here. God is here to protect you. Do you want to pray to Him?"

Sebastian was about to tell him off, when he stood up, felt compelled by some other force, as Gabriel ushered him to the podium and then let Sebastian stand near a Bible. "I can't hold it. I might…_infect_ it or something."

"Why are you worried about infecting this then?"

"It's _God's word_," Sebastian said adamant.

"And you ask me then," Gabriel stood beside him, looking down at the pages before him. "Why do people pray to something that has no proof? Is this not proof of your faith?"

"I sleep with men if you haven't understood my implications—"

"And _yet_ you're still here."

"I'll leave you alone then," Gabriel had walked off, letting Sebastian stand there, aloof. Instead of reading, Sebastian had left without a sound, feeling completely numb and confused. Sebastian was too sure that he had no faith, except yet another part of him was attacking him with doubt. Sebastian sighed and just as he was about to step towards his car, he felt a hand grab his wrist.

Sebastian turned around to see a very, very furious Kurt Hummel staring back at him.


	11. a drop to CD4 count

_HIV can progress in a month or it can take 20 years before it becomes AIDS. it depends on the person and how vicious the attack is on their immune system and how their immunity was beforehand. and eve n with AIDS, it can take a while for someone to be killed, but since AIDS is a late stage of HIV, even something as simple as the flu can kill a person (Medical sought opinion from Doctor!Father :D). he was wondering why i was asking him about HIV/AIDS. LOL. 0:) _

* * *

><p>11<p>

a drop to CD4 count

* * *

><p>"Sebastian," Kurt greeted him with such darkness and rage in his voice that Sebastian was sure he was going to kill him. "What the <em>fuck<em> were you _thinking_?"

Sebastian Smythe stared back at Kurt, stunned, mostly for the fact that he had never seen the brunette so furious, and now, he was honestly scared for his life, and looked at Kurt's pockets just to see for any foreign objects. He calmed down slightly upon not seeing any. It was _stupid_, to feel threatened by Hummel of all people, yet it still struck a chord in Sebastian.

"Sebastian, you're _faking_ a _serious mental illness_!" Kurt called out, voice violent.

Sebastian cringed, and stared back at Kurt, but it was the truth. Sebastian slowly nodded his head in agreement, and Kurt visibly softened, but there was still so much fury in those eyes. "Bas, why are you still going back to him? Letting him do this to you? Huh? Why do you have no _self fucking worth_!"

"_Puh_-lease, Hummel. I love myself if you haven't noticed and value it so." Sebastian answered easily, but his voice was slightly shaken.

"Sebastian," Kurt called out, cupping his cheek. "_This_ is pushing it. I—I won't even _look_ at you right now."

Kurt turned around, ready to leave, and he had, then stopped by, staring back at him. "I don't know if I can support you around the Warbler's anymore—you're on your own Sebastian. I am _done_."

And with that, he strode, leaving Sebastian alone with his thoughts. The next day would be like a dream, Dave's suicide attempt all around, as Sebastian stepped inside of the room in mind. He was dressed down completely in just a sweatshirt, and jeans and had felt so ordinarily unwanted that he didn't know what to do.

"I think we should spend the day praying for Dave."

Sebastian stepped inside, causing an abrupt glance at him, but he didn't leave. He only took his place next to Joe as if he'd been there all along.

"I think you should pray for his family more." Quinn explained. "What he did was selfish, because he didn't just want to hurt himself but everyone around him. I went through things just as hard as he did but never could do what he did—"

"You have no idea what Dave was going through," Sebastian and Kurt said in unison as Sebastian looked back at Kurt, with a shocked expression. Kurt continued to explain but Sebastian felt numb, as Quinn's facial expression dropped.

"What are you even doing here, Kurt? You don't believe in God."

"Oh, he asked if he could come when I told him that we were praying for Dave in the session," Joe explained.

"I feel partially responsible because Dave tried to call me but I never answered…" Sebastian can see some sort of guilt plaster into Kurt's eyes.

"And _you_?" Quinn's eyes were so fixated on Sebastian's face.

"Why are you even asking?" Sebastian snidely remarked. "You are in no way made to _judge_ neither Karofsky nor Hummel. _That's God's doing and you are doing His work_. We're supposed to _pray_."

"Don't act like a saint," Quinn muttered. "You're in no position to talk."

"And what makes you decide that your pain or anyone else's pain is less significant than it is?" Sebastian suddenly retorted. "You don't get to choose who feels more pain and how they handle it….I'm not acting like a saint. I'm merely responding appropriately. Yes, I have sinned. Yes, I slept with men. Yes, I am gay, but I am _not_ going to stand by here and call someone who wanted an escape, who truly thought that hanging themselves would _benefit_ everyone else –"

"Oh, what do you know," Quinn huffed dramatically. "You're just some schizophrenic."

"I heard about that," Joe suddenly pitched in. "A lot of them are like really religious."

Kurt turned to look at Sebastian this time, and Mercedes just sighed. "We're going to the hospital. Do you two want to come?"

Kurt nodded. Sebastian just stood up and left, not even looking back. When he'd stepped out, Mr Schue was standing there with a rather soft expression on his face as he offered to help Sebastian with the wide set of books he had in his hands.

"Aren't you afraid of seeming like a paedophile?"

Mr Schue shrugged. Sebastian refused his offer anyway as they walked down the hallway. "…paranoid schizophrenia, so…" Mr Schue began.

"I'm _not_ going to _kill anyone_," Sebastian spat out violently.

"Hey," Mr Schue's voice softened. "I just want to talk."

They stopped by Sebastian's locker where he opened it, cursing something about Dalton not needing lockers, and then stuffed everything inside, before turning to the older man. "And?" Sebastian raised an eyebrow. Sebastian noticed a cloud of butterflies just about Mr Schue's head. He stared up at it, as Mr Schue continued to speak. "Schizophrenics have a high rate of depression and are very suicidal."

Sebastian stopped this time, staring up at Mr Schue. "I haven't even considered it," Sebastian sarcastically said.

"Sebastian, you're not alone. I think you should go see Dave with Kurt, Mercedes, Quinn and Joe. I'm coming with you if it helps."

Sebastian shook his head. "The last time I've seen him he punched me in the face…I'm just…" Sebastian looked in near-tears. "He doesn't _want_ to see me. He's obviously in love with Hummel. It was all he ever wanted."

"Don't…don't…if you feel suicidal, you—"

"Can't kill myself. Daddy Dearest thinks suicide's for cowards," Sebastian snapped back, in a strained voice.

"Sebastian, those are just delusions." Mr Schue tried to convince him otherwise.

"There's a swarm of butterflies over your head."

"…you hallucinate?"

Sebastian was staring straight at the butterflies, as Mr Schue waved it off. "No, there isn't." Sebastian stood there stunned, staring at the mass of butterflies, honestly completely and utterly freaked. _Alright, Sebastian, why is a swarm of butterflies there? It's just a part of your head. It doesn't exist._ But they were _there_. How could he ignore them?

"Sebastian," Kurt was just passing him.

"…there's a swarm of butterflies up there."

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Sebastian, it's just me. You don't have to lie to me," Kurt reminded him but Sebastian was busy staring up at the air as if there really was something there. Sebastian was pulled by Kurt, and in a mass of confusion, Sebastian wondered if it was a side-effect of the medication he was taking to fake the schizophrenia.

* * *

><p>Dave hadn't woken up yet. And now, they were all in some stupid circle.<p>

"Rory has never eaten peanut butter," Will began, and then pulled the jar, giving it to Rory with a teaspoon.

Rory took a scoop of the peanut butter over the hushes of 'no way', causing Sebastian to roll his eyes. The man was _never_ straight forward and always had to do some damn introduction. "It's the best thing I've ever tasted," Rory said, spooning from the peanut butter jar again.

"Mr Schue, what's the point of this?"

"Finally, someone asks," Sebastian muttered.

Will ignored Sebastian's comment and then stated. "Rory just had a new experience…and I just want to let you know that no matter how lost or depressed you feel, I don't want any of you to ever consider doing what Dave did."

"We'd never consider taking our own lives, Mr Schue—"

All eyes were suddenly on Sebastian. "_What_?" Sebastian snapped coldly.

Mr Schue bit down his lower lip, biting. Blaine sighed softly as he grabbed Sebastian's hand. Sebastian took the invitation and leaned on Blaine's shoulder, whilst Kurt leaned on the other one. This felt like an odd threesome to him. They were staring at Blaine as if he'd started having sex with Sebastian right then.

"I think…we should all talk about something we're looking forward to," Mr Schue suggested.

"I want to get enough money to buy my folks a house so they don't have to go through what they did before," Sam began.

"I'm looking forward to meeting Rachel's children," Mercedes shot a look over at Rachel.

Artie added on. "I want to see my kids' first steps."

"I want to see Sex and the City Part 3," Sugar explained.

"I'm secretly looking forward to graduating," Puck said, causing a roar of cheer and laughter.

"I want to petition the army," Finn began, 'so I can have my Dad's dishonourable charges changed to an honourable one."

"I'm looking forward to graduating from Yale at the top of my class," Quinn sweetly added on.

"I'm looking forward to the day my grandmother loves me again," Santana replied.

Sebastian felt something prick at his stomach, pain. Intolerable pain, thinking of his honestly schizophrenic Nona seeing that on the news, being hurt by Sebastian's act—they were all talking after that but Sebastian was numb. All of them seemed stupid and irrelevant.

"Sebastian?" Kurt snapped him out of his reverie.

Sebastian stared at Kurt dully.

"I'm looking forward to see Daddy Dearest at Regionals," Sebastian's voice was full of sarcasm. "Oh, and to kick the Warblers' asses when we do that stupid singing event tomorrow night."

* * *

><p>There was mere emptiness in Sebastian's voice that made Kurt doubt him, and he feared like Sebastian was going to slip away from him. Eventually, he really might try killing himself. Kurt bit down his lower lip. He'd visited Dave and had talked to him and had given him a glimmer of hope. He, in turn, expressed his problems with Sebastian and had even gone by the plotline of pretending he was just a depressed schizophrenic.<p>

"Trent!" Kurt called out. "How's my fashionista?"

Trent grinned at Kurt. "I'm doing really good." Trent blushed sweetly, and Kurt felt the need to hug him. He had after a few moments of just standing there. Kurt turned to the Warblers, and greeted them with zeal. They had tackled Blaine towards the ground with a hug.

Blaine then groaned, looking very sick to be honest. Kurt was staring at Blaine as he tossed to the other side, looking very prone to throwing up. "Blaine?" David called out in much loving care. "Are you okay?"

"Just my stomach," Blaine explained, as David helped him up. Kurt can hear a snort from behind him and turned to look at Sebastian standing there with his arms crossed over his chest. Sebastian looked smaller. Kurt wondered if he'd lost any weight, but pinned it down to impossible to know with what oversized clothing Sebastian was wearing. David looked over at Sebastian, no glare, no emotion, just nothing.

"How's…how's the schizophrenia?" Jeff stammered out after a while, meaning his best.

"_Great_," Sebastian's voice was full of sarcasm.

"Hey, no need to be a jerk about it," David heaved out in frustration.

"David!" Jeff suddenly exclaimed, putting a hand over his mouth in shock. "Don't! He's sick…you can't—"Sebastian hated the way that Jeff was talking about him, sick. Blaine and Sebastian bumped into each other, as Sebastian turned around and they stared at each other for the longest of time before Blaine's arms protectively hugged Sebastian tightly.

"Blaine," Kurt wanted to tell him it was all a hoax, but Blaine's eyes were adamant.

"I'm sorry," Blaine whispered. Sebastian stared down at him with a raised eyebrow. Blaine pulled away and then Sebastian grabbed his wrist, and then with an expressionless face, Sebastian put his hand in his messenger bag and clipped a red ribbon to the breast pocket of Blaine's dark-coloured golden-lined blazer. Sebastian looked at him, suddenly realising just how torn Blaine he was at having HIV, his hand graciously holding onto the feverish skin. This _thing_ was attacking Blaine harder than it was Sebastian, and _faster_. Blaine cupped the red ribbon with an unsteady hand as Sebastian clipped a red ribbon to his oatmeal-coloured cardigan.

Thad's eyes widened. "What did you _give_ Blaine?"

Blaine opened his mouth but Sebastian cut him off immediately. "HIV," Sebastian snapped coldly. "You _know_ what a red ribbon stands for, dumbass."

Blaine shook his hand at Sebastian.

"_Just_ a stomach-ache?" Sebastian raised an eyebrow. "You've got a fucking _fever_ that's as high as I was when Philippe convinced me that it's okay to snort that line of cocaine after I decided that I should shoot up that heroin."

Blaine paled significantly at that statement.

"What's your CD4 count, Blaine?"

"It's just a surrogate marker, Bas, it doesn't tell you whether or not it's getting bad," Blaine ushered him with those eyes that burned a hole in Sebastian's heart. "Besides, you didn't want any treatment or anything and—"

"You're an _idiot_." Sebastian snapped back. "I had Doctor Ryan up my ass about the HIV thing. He spilled all the glories of HI-fucking-V in order to convince me to try and get that damn treatment. _Blaine, what the fuck is your CD4 count?"_

"I don't know. 250." Blaine said the last part hurriedly.

"I will slap you so hard right now. _If it drops below 200, do you know what you get_?"

Blaine shook his head, but it was evident he did. Sebastian simply sighed. "I'm taking him home. He shouldn't be here. This thing is doing fucking _wonders_ for his immune system."

Sebastian grabbed Blaine's wrist and pulled him away. Kurt stared as they left, trying to remember what the numbers and figures meant as Rachel tried to tell assure them that Blaine would be fine. Right now, they really did need this. The event seemed to draw on for hours even if it was only forty-five minutes of singing and laughing and then they disappeared just as quickly to Blaine's household.

_Kurt: honey, are you OK?_

_Blaine: I'm…I'm not OK, Kurt._

With a bite to his lower lip, Kurt turned to look at Puck. "Speed it up," he ushered him.

"Kurt, I know you're—"

_"Speed it up!"_ Kurt exclaimed back at David's attempt to calm him down.

* * *

><p>"You <em>idiot<em>!"

Kurt stood by the doorway as Sebastian walked around the room, grabbing a fistful of his hair, and then turning to look at Blaine whom was now in bed, with Sebastian walking around, holding a thermometer in his hands as tightly as ever.

"Why the _hell_ do you have a _cat_? You have _HIV_—are you _trying_ to kill yourself? _Stupid, stupid, stupid_!"

"Sebastian," Blaine sounded so weak that it broke Kurt's heart, but the Warblers and the New Directions didn't say a word as Sebastian turned to look at him.

"_You have HIV_! Your GP gave you a ring _hours_ after we took that blood text. You know when that happens, Blaine? When you fuck up—_toxoplasmosis_? Damn _cat_! And what the hell is that 250 CD4 count? _Blaine_!"

"You're gonna take Lilly away?"

"Of _course_," Sebastian huffed.

Blaine nodded his head slowly. "Kurt," he suddenly said, and then Sebastian turned around to look at him.

"Blaine got sick from his _cat_?" Kurt pieced together the information and Sebastian nodded his head before looking back at him. Blaine looked broken-hearted and Kurt felt the need to drop towards him and hug him tightly.

"Damn cat," Sebastian said as Trent looked at Blaine before him with a sad expression and a pout.

"Are you gonna be okay?" Jeff asked with a tentative smile.

"He's got HIV. Toxoplasmosis…you know, it's just like a flu when you're normal, but when you've got an immune system as excellent as Blaine's, you risk getting blinded or having a brain lesion. This could kill you, you know?"

"I'll live," Blaine breathed out. "I'll live—"

"—through this, but with a CD4 count that low, how long until you get AIDS, Blaine? Drop a hundred more and you're _done_ for, Blainey."

"…what…?" Nick's eyes widened. "Bas, you're joking—"

"Would I _joke_ about something like _this_? Even my sense of humour isn't so dry." Sebastian pulled out Blaine's medicine from Sebastian's bag and then plopped a pill in Blaine's mouth before placing the medicine beside his table. "You _don't_ skip a dose."

Blaine nodded his head. "Bas?"

"Huh?"

"Thank you."

Kurt grabbed Blaine's and Sebastian's hands tightly. Kurt gave out a tentative smile, and with a broken scratchy voice said, "What are friends for, right?"

"You are not my friend," Sebastian hissed under his breath, refusing to hold onto Kurt's hand as he pressed a hand against Blaine's cheek.

"Don't stay," Blaine told Sebastian with a stern expression. "You'll get sick," he offered after a while, as he turned around, covering his mouth as he coughed.

"Leave," David ordered Sebastian.

Sebastian threw his bag over his shoulder, took one stern look over at Blaine. "You don't have to tell me twice, Sherlock." And with that, he left, shutting the door behind him with the sound of Blaine's coughing in his mind.


	12. an unbearable circumstance

_this is going to get slightly darker (when was it light?) and probably will remain getting darker and darker and darker. _

* * *

><p>12<p>

an unbearable circumstance

* * *

><p>Blaine shifted to one side, and then felt a gnawing pain at his side as he heard his phone buzz, indicating that a message was sent to him. Blaine reached and grabbed his phone, flipping it open to see that Sebastian had sent him a message.<p>

_Sebastian: feeling better?_

_Blaine: worse._

_Sebastian: did you get rid of that damn cat?_

_Blaine: :( I've had her for eight years._

_Sebastian: …you're getting rid of that cat, Blaine. It's gonna be the reason you're six feet under. I'm coming by to take that piece of shit away later._

Blaine's eyes were shiny, surfacing with pain. He didn't know if it was the fact that it had been the last straw or if he would honestly feel this much pain for a cat, a household _pet_. Kurt had been there since this morning when Blaine had been asleep, along with Carole, and Burt, whilst Finn slept over at Puck's. Carole had made him some soup to try and shove it down his throat, and Burt and Kurt were there to make sure he was as relaxed as he could be.

"What's wrong, Blaine?" Kurt asked, noticing the near tears surfacing into Blaine's eyes.

Blaine shoved his phone away immediately as if it was made out of hot coal and then sighed. "Sebastian," at this, Kurt raised an eyebrow. "He wants to take Lilly away because of the toxo."

"I don't get why." Carole said. "With toxo, you get it once and don't get it again—"

"Not for Blaine," Kurt's eyes were on Burt's face again. "You got _my boyfriend_ involved in a _car accident_?"

"_What_?" Carole's eyes widened.

"Kid, he was okay. We were _both_ _okay_. All we needed were some transfusions, didn't break any bones, and only got a few scratches, you know?"

"He has _HIV_," Kurt whispered. "My boyfriend has HIV because of a secret blood transfusion I wasn't supposed to know about."

Blaine looked down. "I didn't tell Kurt," Blaine promised, eyes on Burt. "I didn't tell him. It was Sebastian because we had sex when we were drunk and Kurt knows and Sebastian has it too now and…"

"Hold on there, kid. Breathe."

Blaine took a deep breath whilst Burt's hand rested on his shoulder. "It's okay, okay? Just calm down. You gotta tell me stuff like this, Blaine, okay? You've got to tell me whether or not you've had stuff like that in your blood—"

"I thought you wouldn't want me around Kurt, or…"

"If you do have sex with my son, all I'm asking for is that you use protection," Burt reminded him, eyes soft. "You gotta tell me stuff like this, okay, Blaine?"

Blaine nodded his head. "Okay," he said in a soft voice.

* * *

><p><em>I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you—YOU, you did this to me you made me like this, didn't you? Didn't you? Didn't you? Oh Daddy fucking Dearest, what the hell is going on? What the fuck is going on with me? There's a kangaroo in my house there's a kangaroo in the house no no no don't look at it don't look at it. It doesn't exist it doesn't exist it doesn't exist there's no reason for a kangaroo to be in the house but FUCK IT IS. Calm down Bas it's not real it's not real BUT IT'S THERE WHAT THE HELL—<em>

Sebastian slammed his fists towards the table, as he stared at the giant kangaroo that had somehow found its way to his house.

_It's all in your head it's all in your head it's all in your head BUT FUCK IT'S REAL. _Sebastian slammed his fists again, somewhat falling towards the chair, and then shutting his eyes, to fall asleep. When he woke up, there was no kangaroo, but in its place was a boy with soft brown hair and adorable blue eyes in a pressed suit, with a black bow-tie, holding a cup of tea in his hands. "What the fuck?" Sebastian said to the hallucination in front of him. "_Who_ are _you_?"

He shrugged and then took a sip from the teacup. "Kurt Hummel."

"Wow, a gay kid."

Kurt's cheeks coloured. "I…I don't know what you're talking about," his voice was soft, as he put the cup in the table. Sebastian stared at the cup as Kurt sat on the bedside. He was hallucinating a _kid version_ of _Hummel_! Kurt looked at him.

"What are we gonna do?"

"Nothing," Sebastian rolled his eyes.

"I want my Dad," Kurt suddenly said.

Sebastian shut his eyes. "Me too, kid," he brokenly admitted after a while. "Me too."

"Your Dad doesn't love you," Kurt muttered after a while, and now, magically filing his nails up with a nail file, and this caused Sebastian to look close to killing him.

"No, he _does_."

"That's _denial_, sweetie," Kurt calls out to him, and this time, he sounded a lot like his normal self, even though he was apparently eight or nine years old right now. "Are we gonna play?"

"Go away."

At Kurt's facial expression, Sebastian's stomach flipped in discomfort. "Bas! What are you doing in there?"

Andrea.

Andrea opened the doorway to look at Sebastian sitting there, and Andrea sat beside Kurt, almost mindful of the hallucination. "What are you doing?"

"Looking at nine year olds with impeccable taste in clothing."

Andrea raised an eyebrow at him. "Nona's outside. Do you…do you want to see her? She's sitting with Mom and we're talking about Jerome and Renee…you should—you should get out of the room a bit."

"Nona will _kill_ me after I made that beautiful display out in public," Sebastian muttered under his breath but Audrey simply hoped he'd leave the room. She disappeared out, not even closing the door. Sebastian got up to close the door, but then took a deep breath and slid out of the doorway, seeing Nathalie and his Nona sitting beside each other, a tray of crumpets, biscuits and scones, and Sebastian sat down beside Andrea on the opposite of them. Nona's face considerably darkened around her grandson.

"We raised you out of our sweat and blood, Sebastian," Nona's voice was glowering in darkness.

"Nona, I know," Sebastian said softly.

"Why?"

Sebastian looked over at Nathalie, whom was staring at her son with soft eyes. "Momma," Nathalie began, "Momma, Sebastian's a good kid."

"It's that husband of yours," Nona huffed. "I told you not to marry him. _I told you_. You had your face cut open for this man."

"Momma, is that true?" Andrea's voice was full of shock. "Plastic surgery?"

Nathalie nodded her head and placed her hand on Sebastian's cheek, cupping it.

"This isn't the same boy you've raised seventeen years ago, Nathalie," Nona's voice was extremely thick. "Jean has corrupted him. I don't want your son around your husband anymore. It's a catastrophe. A _catastrophe_. You have to leave him."

"I can't." Nathalie shook her head. "I _love_ him, Momma. I love him."

"If Sebastian was in love with a boy just like that, what would you do?"

Nathalie shook her head as tears burned into her eyes. "You can't do this to me, Momma. You can't give me that option." Nathalie watched as Sebastian stood up and then sat down beside her, even though Andrea knew he was terribly afraid of being close to Nona. Sebastian felt Nathalie's arms wrap around Sebastian as tightly as she could.

"Momma, you _have_ to leave him," Andrea tried to make her see otherwise. "_Please_."

Nathalie shook his head.

"You and Sebastian don't want to let him go, do you?" Andrea suddenly blurted out.

Nathalie held Sebastian just a bit tighter, letting out a sob.

"We can…we can buy a new house, and live together and _away from him_." Nathalie said and Andrea nodded her head. "Us together – how does that sound, Sebastian? How does it sound, sweetheart?"

"He's done it, Nathalie. You _have_ to leave," Nona said, voice strong and adamant.

* * *

><p>"Stay here," Nathalie instructed him whilst Kurt stayed in the car. Sebastian tried hard not to look back at the backseat where he somehow managed to smuggle some of the crumpets and was buttering them with a butter knife and eating them one by one. Sebastian was staring at him as if he was the most fascinating thing in the world. "I'm gonna go talk to your Father. I'm gonna leave."<p>

Sebastian nodded his head. "Momma, do you need me there?"

"Sebastian, no."

_He will kill you he will kill you he will kill you he will kill you_ – the feelings encompassed his body. His Father hated him. His Father would kill him if Sebastian stepped out of line and it consumed him. It made no sense. His Father wouldn't because what would that beautiful image make to the public if they found a dead Sebastian on the front porch. _HE WILL KILL YOU HE WILL KILL YOU HE WILL KILL YOU—_

Yet why was Sebastian leaving then? He was charging out of the car, and into the household. His head was made out of lead as he walked inside. This house. How familiar it was. How unfamiliar it was. Sebastian could see photos and frames. Sebastian looked at a particular family portrait on the staircase. They looked so happy. They were so happy. Sebastian was shaking in his feet right then—

_"You are NOT leaving me! You little whore!"_

A sound of glass being clattered.

_"Nathalie, what about the children? I can't believe how selfish you're being—"_

_"—you disowned my baby!"_

_"—I saved us! He was going to ruin this family! He was going to ruin all of us—that gay, disgusting…"_

_"Don't you dare talk about him like that."_

_"You always wanted your little girl, didn't you? Andrea didn't like anything girly. You wanted another girl, didn't you? One you can call your own. You wanted him to be gay, didn't you?"_

_"Jean, let go of me."_

_"I won't ever…dare…"_

_"JEAN, DON'T DO THIS! Honey, no! Honey, I love you! Don't do this to me…don't do this to us…I love you, Jean. Jean." _

Sebastian gasped out as he heard his Mother's screams fill the house. He ran over to the house phone and ran a number. "911. What is your emergency?"

"...Father…" the sound of Nathalie's screams entered Sebastian's mind as he gasped out violently. "…raping…Mother…need…help." Sebastian gave out the address quite quickly from memory, hands shaky as tears sprung to his eyes.

"Name?"

"Sebastian Smythe."

"…yeah, right. Hang it up right there, kid. You're that delusional schizophrenic," and that was that.

Sebastian stood there, stocked, his mind racing as he felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see his rather angry-looking Father staring back at him.

* * *

><p><em>poll! i can make him rape him in the future you know ;D i'm sadistic. anything goes with me. drop your intel if you want anything like that to happen x :3 until now, i'm not planning on it but it depends on the type of reception i get. i don't want to suddenly introduce any type of incest in there and then you'd go all like: SAMMY YOU DIDN'T TELL US.<em>

_love love love love LOVE_

_Sammy_

_now cheer up, Bas. i've got to torture you. how are we going to have a nommy delicious romance/friendship/anything else if you don't get ass-raped by older strangers? _


	13. delusional credence

_This is definitely an onset of Bas' delusions with the flashbacks and the Klaine/Jeanathalie relationship you'll see right now. Also, I forgot my reviewer's name but yeah, some of Sebastian's hallucinations don't make any sense, eh? :/ most of them aren't supposed to. I'm taping into his mind that way since the hallucinations are all in his point of view and according to Bas, he feels like they're real even if they don't make any sense to be real, such as the dinosaur or the younger!Kurt version, which is going to play a key role in the plot, which you'll see later. :) However, here's the next chappie, beautifuls! _

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><p>13<p>

delusional credence

* * *

><p>"Give it to me," Jean demanded.<p>

Sebastian nodded, giving his Father the phone as he called. Sebastian could hear his Mother wailing right now and his Father's hands were shaking. Sebastian had never seen his Father's hands shake. "Hello? I need an ambulance for my wife."

Sebastian stood there, looking stunned as he disappeared off into the room. His naked Mother lay pressed up against the bed, looking petrified as she shook. Sebastian took a blanket from a couch and then let it cover her, as she pulled her son towards him, running her fingers against his hair as she shook with feverish fear, and tears spilled out of her eyes. "Bassie, it was horrible. So horrible…"

"I know, Momma. I know," Sebastian's voice was full of agony.

Kurt was standing there with stunned tearful eyes. "Momma," his voice called out, almost as if Nathalie was his own Mother. "_He did this to you oh my God oh my God he's gonna do this to me he's gonna do this to me he's gonna kill us—"_

It took a moment for Sebastian to realise that Kurt was projecting his thoughts and emotions as he held his Mother close as if to not let her fall apart. If Sebastian cried now, it would all be for nothing. He had to stay strong for his Mother. He _had_ to. Jean came back into the room and tried to pull Nathalie away, but she only gripped tighter on her son. "Jean, please, not in front of my baby. No."

"I won't touch you," he promised. "Nathalie, please."

She shook her head. "I…I'll go take a bath. Quickly. Before…they come. The ambulance."

Sebastian was shocked. That would wash all evidence of the rape. Almost as if she was trying to protect him. In the end, they were all trying to protect him.

Jean's expression softened. "Ambulance, outside," he gestured to the window.

"I'll go with you," he drew it out before Jean could. Jean glared at Sebastian but Nathalie finally nodded her head. "Okay. Okay." She said to the fact that Sebastian would be there as well.

At the hospital, they had to tear her away from Sebastian but he held her close, ushering sweet nothings into her ear. Jean sat down and could hear him soothe his Mother. "Yes. Of course. I'll be here. Outside. Yes. I'll come. I promise. I love you. Momma, please," and that let her let him go as she kissed his forehead softly and cupped his cheek, nodding at him with tear-filled eyes and left inside of the room, leaving her alone with the Doctor and the clatter of nurses.

Most importantly, leaving Sebastian alone with Jean.

Jean was staring at Sebastian's black button-down which had the red ribbon pinned to the left breast pocket. Sebastian didn't show signs of caring. Jean laid a hand on Sebastian's shoulder. Sebastian twitched _HE WILL KILL YOU he hates you he hates you he hates you he hates you you're nothing to him you're nothing to anyone you should be dead he should kill you HE WILL KILL YOU_, and then felt Jean slowly press him up against his arm. Sebastian's head rested on Jean's shoulder.

Sebastian wondered if there were any cameras around.

"Mr Smythe, do you want to see your wife?"

Jean looked close to tears, as he nodded. He stood up and looked at Sebastian. Sebastian followed him in the room after a curt nod. Nathalie laid on the bed.

"Coffee, darling?" Jean offered with the most sugary sweet voice Sebastian had ever heard from his Father.

Nathalie nodded her head, not even speaking for fear of dissolving into sobs. Sebastian watched Jean leave, as he sat down next to his Mother. Nathalie ran his fingers across Sebastian's cheek and kissed his head. "I love you," she whispered. "I love you so much."

Sebastian nodded his head. Jean came back. "Eight tablespoons of sugar, seven tablespoons of creamer," Jean said as he pulled the coffee towards her.

"You remember how I like my coffee."

_"You remember my coffee order," Blaine said, as Kurt laughed, nodding his head…_ Sebastian shook that thought of his mind. Kurt wasn't a threat. No. Can't be. But now, it was sinking into him. _He _threatened_ to kill you_, his mind was reeling. Of course, he came for Blaine when he was sick, and maybe he wanted Blaine to take that dive for him? _No, no, no, no, no_—

"Blainey's cute," Kurt said from the corner, with a smirk. "So cute. So cute I can just _rape_ him…"

Sebastian wanted to pant and dive and kill that little boy that was staring at him. Sometimes, it was supposed to be Kurt, but sometimes, Kurt was supposed to be Sebastian. That didn't make any sense to him but it didn't matter. He was still so very _real_.

Jean nodded as he sat down beside her, holding her hand. "I just don't want you to leave me," his voice was full of so much emotion that Sebastian didn't know he could muster. He suddenly felt slight envy at his Mother and the thought of being envious at his raped Mother made Sebastian turn his head to leave. He disappeared to the nearest bathroom, and puked up the coffee and alcohol he'd consumed. His mind reeling horrifically. "God, I'm a horrible person." Sebastian muttered to himself, wrapping his arms around himself. "Momma needs you, Bas! What the fuck are these _thoughts_?"

He was so appalled at himself. Sebastian stood up again to see his Mother whom had fallen asleep. Sebastian felt his Father's hand on his shoulder.

"Sebastian," he curtly said.

Sebastian looked at his Father. "This is _your_ fault, you know?" his voice was erratic, and his eyes were bloodshot. Sebastian didn't think his Father would ever cry because of this. Sebastian nodded his head, as he bit down his lower lip.

"I know, I know, I know it every fucking day," Sebastian hissed.

Jean seemed to be taken back by this and looked at his son for a moment as he stared at the watch that Kurt had given him. Nathalie stirred back again and smiled. "Ready? Discharged?" Jean asked, and Nathalie nodded towards him.

Sebastian went back to Andrea's with the most stoic expression. The minute the scent of cornbread, warm milk, and yoghurt made Sebastian disappear into the bathroom and throw up. This time he felt Andrea crouch down beside him and cup his cheek.

"He's got a fever. _John_!"

Fever?

Sebastian shook his head. That wasn't true. Blaine was sick. Blaine and—Kurt was with him. Fuck. Kurt. He needed to see Blaine. _He needed to make sure that Kurt didn't rape Blaine or_—his mind was racing. It was impossible, yet sounded so right in Sebastian's mind that Kurt would hurt his boyfriend like that. "Sebastian, come lie down. What happened with Momma?"

"Staying with him," Sebastian coughed this time and now, he realised—_fuck. Blaine_.

"Bas, what the hell? You've got a real high fever," John said, pulling Sebastian into bed. "He's got really clammy blue skin; can you see that, Andy? That's probably pneumonia what with the HIV and all. I need a chest radiograph though…"

John placed measured Sebastian's pulse and then nodded towards Andrea. "Really high heart rate. I think I've got my sphygmomanometer here so I can measure his BP."

John disappeared into his room as Andrea nodded, holding Sebastian as if he was the most fragile thing in the world. John disappeared back into the room and wrapped the sphygmomanometer around Sebastian's upper arm. Sebastian looked down at the device as he pressed the button. Digital readings going up before giving the final number.

"83 over 54," John read out with a groan. "144 bpm as a heart rate."

Andrea nodded towards him with a soft expression towards Sebastian. "Does he need to be hospitalised?"

John nodded. "Yeah, yeah. I'm getting my coat."

"What? _No_!" Sebastian protested immediately. Sebastian felt his heart pound against his chest as hard as it could, racing, as he coughed. Sebastian pulled his Android as quickly as possible, tapping against the screen to revive the flashy colour as he quickly called Blaine in his shaking mess. "Blaine."

Blaine coughed immediately when he'd answered. "Bas."

"Is Kurt with you?"

"Y-y-yeah, don't worry about me, Bas."

_No, no, no, no, NO, NO, NO_—"did—did anyone hurt you?" Sebastian asked Blaine.

Blaine laughed. He sounded so sick to Sebastian's ears. "Honey, nobody did, okay?" but Sebastian wasn't going to believe that for one bit—

"That's a _lie_, isn't it?"

"What?" Blaine raised an eyebrow. "Bas, why would I lie?"

"He's hurting you, isn't he?"

"_Kurt_?" Blaine's voice was full of incredulity. "He _never_ would." Those words, those words, that spilled out of his Mother's lips once—and look at where she was right now.

"I don't believe that," Sebastian was nearly shaking again. "Blaine, if he hurts you, I'm here. I promise. If he hurts you, I'm here."

"Bas, he won't…ever…ever do anything to me," Blaine reinforced once more. "_Ever_."

"Okay." Sebastian nodded, but felt defeated.

"Bas, I promise I'll call, okay?"

Sebastian held back a multitude of coughs waiting to escape his lips as he nodded as if Blaine could see him before shutting his phone and felt a swarm of tears burning in his eyes.

* * *

><p>Andrea sat in front of Sebastian's hospital cot, with her hand shaking as she held her phone. She took a deep breath as she felt John drop beside her. She held Lila closer to her, as if she held her tight enough, everything would disappear.<p>

"I'm calling Momma," Andrea said to John, whom nodded efficiently.

Sebastian grabbed Andrea's iPhone out of her hand, with a threatening look to his face. "Don't. You. _Dare_."

Andrea looked shell-shocked. "Bas, she _has_ to know!"

"Leave her _alone_!" Sebastian defended her, with wide eyes. "Don't you _dare_ call her, Andrea, or I _swear_…" he shook his head.

Andrea looked at her brother for a moment. "Bas, she has to know," her voice softened considerably. "She's your Mother!"

"No, no, no, she doesn't have to know anything," Sebastian shot back a strong look towards her. No, they cannot be talking about his Mother. They cannot bring her up. They cannot make him remember Blaine and urge to make another phone call in less than an hour of the previous one, yet he wondered what could happen behind those closed walls.

"Sebastian, you have _pneumonia_."

"Well, whatever that is it can shove a stick up its ass."

Sebastian pulled his head to one side. "Let me call someone. Anyone."

Sebastian ran over the possibilities in his head. "Kurt Hummel," he said after a while. If Kurt was here, he'd be away from Blaine, away from harming him in any way possible.

Andrea bit her lower lip and then nodded, and Sebastian can see from her eyes that she knew that if there was anyone in the world Sebastian despised it was Kurt Alexander Hummel. She copied his number from Sebastian's Android and called him promptly.

"Hello?" Andrea began. "Kurt Hummel?"

_"Yes, who is this?"_

"Andrea Blankson. Sebastian Smythe's sister?"

_"Uh huh. What stupid thing did he—?"_

"He's sick, with a strong case of pneumonia and he was adamant that only you know about it. Can you…can you come by? To the hospital? I'll text you room details and everything."

She could hear Kurt breathing. "I'll be there. Give me a minute." She heard him turning around. "Blaine, honey, I'll be back later, okay?"

"It's okay," she heard him through the fuzziness. "I've got my parents. You go off. You can't be taking care of me all of the time."

"You have me a speed dial?"

"Yes, Mom."

She can almost feel the smile on Kurt's face at that statement. "Okay then. Text me the details. I'll be there as soon as I can."

Andrea swore she could hear some sort of shakiness in his voice.

Sebastian shakily picked up his messenger bag as John stood by Ryan, whilst Sebastian's achy hand dropped the bag immediately and a mass of his Chemistry homework and his prescription for the public, the Clozapine, had fell off his bag. Ryan's eyes widened. "Clozapine inhibits the metabolism of 450P cytochromes. Do you know what those cytochromes do? It keeps your metabolism up and you need the energy. Red blood cells aren't synthesised correctly. You can't handle a low metabolism with anaemia. You have sickle cell disease. It can easily be the end of _you_."

Sebastian stared back at the Clozapine. The Clozapine his Father gave him to pretend to be schizophrenic. "He tried to kill me," Sebastian's voice was shaky.

"No, Bas, that's not possible…" Andrea began.

_"HE TRIED TO KILL ME!"_

"Are you _insane_?"

Andrea's mouth remained open after her question as she saw the _real_ fear in Sebastian's eyes. He _truly believed_ his Father was trying to kill him. "Bas, that's a delusion."

"I'm not schizophrenic," Sebastian snapped back but now, Andrea was staring at him as if that simply told her the truth. "You don't think I am, do you? I'm fine. I'm not _insane_. He tried to kill me, Andy. Fucking believe me on this, okay?"

Andrea turned around, as she sobbed.

"Our Father tried to kill me," Sebastian reinforced. _"I know it_. I know it. I _swear_."

"Your Dad doesn't love you," the younger Kurt repeated, spitting out, suddenly with that white pristine tea cup. When he realised that Kurt was drinking blood, "it's _Blaine's_. Don't worry." He smirked at him with bloody teeth.

Sebastian let out the most ear-shattering scream Andrea had ever heard.


	14. experimentations

_This will clarify things that are extremely vague now, to whether Bas is actually "insane" [delusions of the younger Kurt] and all. I know some of you might not like this. There's a lot of mixed response [and barely any at all for the last chapter]. I didn't know what to write to appease you, sweeties, so I just did what I would've normally done in this circumstance and blown it up in the way that I always will. :') Enjoy. _

* * *

><p>14 – experimentations<p>

* * *

><p>It broke on the fifteenth of June.<p>

Kurt Hummel remembered. The white pristine mug that was always glittering from its position in the soft white sunlight – never filled with coffee, or any liquid, never touched. It was his Mother's, the only thing he had of her still. He remembered Italy vaguely, and a man passing by to give her the sweetest red rose. He remembered he wanted to give red roses to people and make them smile like that too.

She still used it. She always used it.

_"Momma, why do you use broken things?"_

_She'd stare back at him with a soft smile curved to his lips. "Just because it's broken doesn't mean it's useless, sweetie. It's still my favourite."_

Kurt remembered he didn't understand as she made him hot chocolate with marshmallows and let him drink. Somehow, he'd forgotten to give it back to her, and always kept it abandoned in a drawer. When she had passed away, he had somehow stumbled across it by accident.

_"I always wanted to go to Italy! How…how amazing! And France! I want to see places, Burt." He'd chuckle and press his lips against her cheek. "I want to show Kurt everything."_

He'd seen too much, and none of it was pretty. Kurt held the mug close to him as he whispered softly to himself. Andrea had called him about Sebastian but he didn't know if he was supposed to go or not. After all, Sebastian was still a grade A douchebag but the same time, he needed him right now.

Kurt sighed and placed the mug back in its place, took his bag and then sped out.

* * *

><p>Sebastian Smythe didn't know what was going on, just that it was bad. Very bad. He had his eyes shut tightly, as he watched bodies move – was that his Father? And the people from Afesat – his eyes were blurring. He wondered if he wanted them to speak, but then his head was pounding, then someone spoke. George had bit down his lower lip. "Come on, Jean, you gotta tell him…"<p>

"What? That I nearly almost killed little fucking crush?" Jean snapped.

Sebastian's mind went to the only possible candidate for that as Blaine's face filled his mind, and those soft hazel eyes lulled him. Sebastian kept his eyes shut, pretended to sleep, which wasn't hard. The real struggle was staying awake, even as Jean and the Afesat members spoke out. Sebastian went to the only thing that his Father could be talking about: the fact that Blaine Anderson had been in a car accident that resulted in getting a blood transfusion. Jean had something to do with Blaine's blood transfusion? Sebastian's head was reeling now.

"Damn car accident. Damn that man. Damn Burt Hummel. I wanted _him_ dead. Didn't know a kid was with him! Fucking congress!"

Sebastian tried his hardest not to snap his eyes open. The only thing that Burt Hummel had done so far was try to restore equality through rules that barely anyone listened to. Punishment would be too much, but he tried to aspire for peace – some were against it all, some not, teenagers didn't like it, and that was just it, but most adults didn't mind it, wanting everything to smoothly and along with their daily lives. Right now, Sebastian can only hear one thing in his mind: _your Father doesn't like gay people. Burt does. Now, figure it out, Bas._ Suddenly, the young Kurt was in his mind again, with that small teacup almost always glued to his hands…

"I tried to make it right! Gave that kid my blood. Bas, and him and I, our blood group…"

Sebastian knew his blood group was alike to Blaine's and obviously, he'd gotten it from his Father, considering Nathalie's blood type was also the same. This caused Sebastian to try and not shake. His hypocritical Father that did not accept STD's, especially HIV, had HIV. Sebastian didn't mean for his eyes to flutter but they did and now, Jean and Sebastian were caught staring eye into eye with each other…

"You're awake." Jean suddenly realised, staring back at Sebastian.

Sebastian's mind was still reeling with what he heard. The room was dim, and barely any light was there, but there was a certain glimmering glint of something from the watch in Jean's hands, the heirloom. It used to mean everything to Sebastian and now, it was making him feel nauseated and sick. Maybe tomorrow he'd want it again but maybe not anymore. His heart was thudding. He wanted to be recognised. He just wanted to know the truth right about now.

"Say it. All of it. _Everything_." Sebastian glowered darkly. "The truth?"

Jean was staring back at Sebastian as if debating whether or not to tell Sebastian the truth but the words spilled out of his mouth and when he'd begun speaking, he couldn't stop. "I hate him. Burt Hummel, I mean. So I took a hit at him. Congress and all. I hate it. Where's the democracy in having those kinds of people run it? So I did. I tried to take him out, probably is, he was with a kid. So I gave it to the kid. _My blood_. Then I realised I was _HIV positive_." Jean said it so smoothly, almost as if Sebastian wasn't allowed to have HIV but Jean was. It almost sent that nostalgic pang in Sebastian's stomach, of wanting to sound so in control, so amazing, so astounding. Suddenly, he was six again and staring up at his big successful Father who built everything with his own sweat and blood.

"So I _ran_."

He'd never thought his Father would run away from anything, but now, remembering all of this was so big—Burt and Blaine's car crash was a futile attempt at killing Burt. His Father was behind that wheel. His Father had to get up and see if his plan was a success but he'd probably found an unconscious boy, and a man, and then he tried to save the kid, the kid that had no business with anything, but ended up giving him a goddamned curse. And then he ran. His strong face-the-music Father ran.

"Fuck it. I _ran_, and you slept with him like the _whore_ you are—"

Sebastian couldn't take it anymore. He allowed the anger to burn into his blood and then he snapped, words spilling from his mouth. He couldn't take it. He just couldn't take this hypocritical man criticising him for being in the same position any longer, "—_how_." That single word got Jean's attention as Sebastian elaborated. "How did you get HIV positive?"

Jean snorted. "It doesn't fucking matter."

_But it mattered when I was HI-fucking-V positive, right? It matters because I'm gay. You disgusting parasite. You hurt my Mother. YOU HURT MY MOTHER._

Sebastian looked down at his lap as he bit down his lower lip, collecting his thoughts silently, and then he said the name. The name was cold, running out of his lips with pure and utter harshness. "_Jean_," his voice was hoarse and Jean shut his eyes, as if the last thing he expected was for Sebastian to call him by his first name, even though he had demanded it when Sebastian had called him his Father. "This is why Blaine thinks a _car accident_ was _disclosed information_, because he didn't want Kurt to know that _you_ were trying to _kill_ Burt."

Sebastian's voice was full of betrayal as he looked back at George, Andrew and Bruce, these men that had been so supportive, were siding with his Father? Were part of his ploy? The ploy that was kept undisclosed for how long now? Sebastian tried to remember the signs of this, the business meetings, the hushed tones, the secrecy when his Mother made him stay in one singular room—Sebastian had never doubted Jean. He had never doubted that Jean was nothing short of a glass manufacturer and why were they manufacturing glass then? Was there something else behind it? From the guilty look in George's eyes, Sebastian can tell that Afesat and Kinate's merging would be for something else entirely than distributing glass.

"And…and _you_," he was staring straight at the trio, "are all a part of this?"

Bruce shut his eyes, trying to hide his remorse, the remorse his Father couldn't feel. "Come on, kid. It's okay. We came to see you, okay? Tried to talk Jean into telling you, alright? And you're okay, you're gonna power through this, right?"

Almost as if the words triggered him – and they had – Sebastian had slammed his fists on the white hospital cot, trying to suddenly hot back hot, angry tears as he screamed with a voice so cold and icy that he might as well be his Father right then. The hallucination-Kurt was staring at him with horror in those big blue eyes, pale face, and tears cascading down his cheeks as Sebastian. Just. Lost. It.

"_I have pne-fucking-umonia_! I have _HIV_. I have _sickle cell anaemia_. And you know what all of these have in common? They're from our family. They're diseases that are running in our blood and they're all because of _you_! They're all because _you're_ the worst fucking Father I know, huh? Kick me out. _You kicked me out_. That is not a hallucination! And the thing is…I think – no, I _know_ – you're gonna kill me. After all, you threw me out. After all, you tried to kill Burt Hummel. I _know_ that Kurt is just going to start hitting Blaine until he dies and I don't know what to do. I _know_ Kurt's out to get me too. I also heard my Father rape my Mother and I will never erase that out of my head and…Okay? Okay? _Okay_?"

Jean stared back at Sebastian, realising the reality of this confession – the way Sebastian's eyes widened when he'd tried to explain the delusions, the hallucinations, as Jean tried to sit down beside him but Sebastian placed his hand up in the air. The young Kurt was staring up at him with those huge teary eyes. He was crying the tears that Sebastian was holding back right then. "Don't fucking sit there. An imaginary younger version of Kurt Hummel is sitting there and he's drinking tea and crying his freaking eyes out."

The small Kurt snorted, even as the tears fell harder. "It's camomile." He added on helplessly, smiling weakly after the confession.

Sebastian tried to stop staring at the Kurt, almost as if he was waiting for sudden blood to show to make him scream again, but nothing happened as he looked back up at Jean whom was staring at him with an expression that Sebastian couldn't read – too far from hate but nothing close to sympathy, love or compassion, just a blank face with no expression at all would be closer.

Sebastian spat out the words that were ringing into his mind.

"What _else_ did you lie to me about?"

Jean turned to look at Bruce, and now, _Jean's_ eyes were filled with that kind of guilt, that kind of betrayal, that kind of anger that overtook every other emotion in a sudden anger-filled rage as he snapped. He snapped and Sebastian heard it all.

"_This_ is why you're ridiculously nice to my son, huh?"

Sebastian blinked. He knew that Bruce, Andrew and George were being exceptionally sweet to him, barely even noting that Sebastian was in fact infected with HIV and gay last time they'd met. He didn't know how to feel. He was torn between feeling angry and trying to piece together everything in front of him. Bruce's eyes filled with more guilt. They didn't ever suggest that. Andrew was suddenly sitting beside Sebastian and he spilled out everything. "Okay. I'm gonna tell him—"

"Andy, I will kill you," George suddenly glared at him horrifically as the blonde shook his head.

"Imma sorry, Sebastian," the blonde responded. "You know what Afesat does, right? We're scientists. We…we sorta get right into the nook of things. Kinate used to make our test tubes and ship them to us with amazing glass fibres. A lot of chemicals could bear it but anyway…we made…somewhat illegal chemical. Sometimes…what happens is that there are these studies, going around about how mental disease is a lot associated with substance abuse. So we isolated what we wanted, and added on some things, proteins, bacteria, vectors, viruses…it's what Kinate has been working for many years to try and understand mental disorders better…"

All of this seemed harmless to Sebastian but he knew _something_ was coming, something he wouldn't want to ever hear in his life, something painful.

Andrew shut his eyes and then continued. "What we did is that we tested these new chemicals. Jean was going to have a kid and he needed the money. At that point, Kinate was _nothing_. We used his Mother."

"Nona," Sebastian said, almost as quickly as possible. He knew what was coming but then his stomach was hurting him so bad at this point, as Andrew opened back his eyes. His eyes were big and blue, trying to assure him that it was all for good, all to fix things, but they were just making problems now, weren't they?

Andrew nodded his head. "Yeah." His voice was small. "We made the chemical and we administrated it to her—and she developed schizophrenia very quickly…we tried to fix it. Kinate needed the money, so despite how furious Jean was at that point…they still needed the money, so they helped out with another project of alcoholic production. Jean drinks. A lot like you, Sebastian…and what happens is that when they drink, there's always a shift from one reality to another."

Sebastian stared at him, not particularly understanding Andrew's statement. "We made a type of alcohol that has a strong effect, without damaging the body. Something that can possibly be used as a date-rape drug and they sell it legally now. It's called—"

"Rescofork." Sebastian quickly called out in memory. Jean was raising an eyebrow questionably but remained very silent as Sebastian continued to speak. "It's the same alcohol that was on sale that night that Blaine and I mysteriously got so drunk that we slept with each other and forgot everything…and the night I got HIV and you're telling me that that also is related to the fucking alcohol you used on me?"

Andrew flinched at Sebastian's sudden sharpness as he nodded. "It's potent and it also high levels of oxytocin and I think Jean mentioned you liking Blaine so it's amplified to an extent where…I think it's caused that delusion as well. The fact that your delusions are centred around them—but Jean's more worried that I fed you a chemical and gave you schizophrenia…"

Sebastian was staring at Jean now horrifically. "You…you're hating me enough…t-to let them play with my body?"

"I never consented for this," Jean hissed back, mostly at Sebastian as if to remind him that even he wasn't so cruel. Sebastian looked down in disbelief whilst Andrew kept on speaking now, trying to calm Sebastian down.

"It isn't the same drug. I mean…your hallucinations, the fact that you can see a real life person at this kind of age…I'd like to call it a self-reflection hallucination…we've been monitoring you with that watch he's given you like we've been monitoring the Smythe family generation with Jean's heirloom watch." Now, Sebastian was looking at the watch, suddenly feeling sick in his stomach. Even this trinket that always meant everything to Sebastian—it was fake. It was all to make sure that none of them went crazy. They weren't normal and that was making Sebastian as sick as Hell.

Andrew suddenly continued. "Your hallucinations…you see _yourself_ in _Kurt_. It's why you're constantly on this hate-love relationship you're in, why you constantly fight. Kurt's like your mirror, this young one. You remember things from Kurt's past and kind of pull it in him and you remember things from yours and that's why he reacts something like you want him to. You said he was crying. He's kinda…feeling or making out your emotions when you don't think you can and I think that's—that's actually very bad because it's draining emotion from you. Like it's drained it from Jean."

Sebastian was suddenly petrified. "You…you sucked everything out of my Father?" he could recall a time that was much better than this with his Father. Now, Sebastian's eyes were filling, almost as if to show Andrew that he was wrong. "_THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT_! Your fault that my Father kicked me out! Your Father that we had to live an entire fucking lie in this house! Your fault! Your fault! I…" Sebastian couldn't bear to believe the words that Andrew was telling him.

The Kurt hallucination was drawing himself closer towards the bed, falling down and then looking up at Sebastian with thick, horrified blue eyes. His emotions being mirrored right there, the falling, the pain, the anguish, the need to just fucking get out of here and punch something.

"Shh…we can fix it."

"You're the reason my Father just snapped and raped my Mother. You're the reason." Sebastian realised all of these feelings. They'd used it on his Father, didn't he? For some reason, they kept coming back at playing with the Smythe family like it was nothing. Andrew shut those big blue eyes. Bruce tried to comfort him with brown ones and George's green eyes were suddenly full of so much guilt they weighed a tone. "You can't fucking fix this, else you would've. So that's it? I'm fucking going _crazy_? Is that what you're telling me? But oh, my type of schizophrenia is fucking _different_ because oh, let's not mention the fact that I'm seeing Kurt fucking Hummel as a kid. And suddenly believe in all things that are faith for no real anything at all!"

Just that word 'faith', suddenly made Sebastian want to leave for church and he didn't know why, but the thing was his mind knew that he didn't deserve church, or normalcy. He was fucked. He was seriously fucked and he didn't know what to do.

Sebastian blinked, and then realised what was going on before him, linking piece to piece. "My Father's hate for congress…that's a delusion that he has to kill Burt Hummel."

George finally nodded his head, allowing a few strands of brown hair to spill over his eyes. He moved to hold Sebastian's shoulder. "_Don't touch me_."

When Sebastian Smythe looked up, he realised that the world was crashing down even higher, because standing there, glittering in pale starlight, taking it all in, was his blonde-haired sister, and beside her, Kurt Hummel was clutching the clutch of his bag way too tightly, unable to breathe, as he panted for air at the information that was there. Jean looked back at Andrew, giving him a pointed look and Andrew nodded. They all moved together and Sebastian stared down at his lap, wondering if his heart sunk in place.

Sebastian snorted as Kurt tried to move closer.

"Don't. A hallucination of you is standing right beside you and I think his teacup just broke into pieces."

Kurt's eyes suddenly widened as he realised what Sebastian had said. The fact that he had brought a teacup up like it was significant, reminded him of his Mother – mostly of the mug, of the fact that pristine white cups were important to Kurt. Kurt then bit down his lower lip as he tried to understand what was before him. Sebastian watched the hallucination Kurt pick up little white pristine pieces with a hurt, lost face as he looked back up at him with confused, broken eyes.


	15. the night of denial

_helloooo, babes? Anyone reading this? it feels like i lost all my readers._

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><p>15 – the night of denial<p>

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><p>Kurt had sat down on a plastic chair right now, staring back at Sebastian's cold, hard face and then Sebastian said the words that were plaguing his mind.<p>

"I don't want to be him."

_Jean_.

Kurt stared at Sebastian as those green eyes showed flicks of fear and realisation. The same drug that was administered to Jean was now running cold in Sebastian's blood. He can suddenly hear Nathalie's screams back into his mind as his Mother was being raped. He can feel the pain in his chest. He can see Blaine running away from him. He can see so many things in the blink of an eye, so he just tried not to blink for that moment. The reality was that everything was horrible, and that now, he was full of diseases, and would carry them off to God knew where. He didn't know if it was contagious or not, but all he knew was that he still had to get rid of Blaine's damn cat and now, Blaine's face was in his mind. That beautiful face. His love for him, was it even real? Sebastian pushed all of these thoughts away, finally meeting with Kurt's eyes after that long moment of Kurt just staring at Sebastian, waiting for him to respond.

"Tell me I won't be like him, Hummel. Or is that all for lost?" Sebastian wanted comfort, comforting words that he wasn't hearing from Kurt.

Kurt just shrugged. "I don't know." His voice was low. "I just don't know."

Kurt had heard everything and Sebastian knew it too. The drugs had made so much of a mess to his Father, the fact that he thought that he was going to hurt Blaine, the fact that he was be so in this…disease…whatever it was… that he thought that Kurt could lay a hand on either him or Blaine was making Kurt sick. Kurt then thought about to himself. Had he been dangerously close to it? Had he been treating Blaine wrong? What was going on right now? He remembered the fights between Dave and Sebastian, the betrayed look on Blaine's face…the fact that Blaine had slept with Sebastian still stung a little, but how could he be angry at his boyfriend for sleeping with Sebastian when he was not right in the head due to the alcohol that Blaine later on swore he would never touch again? Kurt pretended to be okay with it, but even Blaine can see it was hurting Kurt.

Sebastian sighed. "You're my friend, right, Hummel? Right now?"

Kurt shrugged. "I don't know," Kurt repeated his earlier statement.

"Stop acting like a fucktard," Sebastian finally insulted, and Kurt didn't seem too phased by the comment as Sebastian looked back at the younger Kurt hallucination that was dumping the broken pieces in the trash after he'd collected them. Seeing Sebastian absorbed with the hallucination made Kurt ask.

"What am I doing right now?" Kurt's voice was too loud in the silent air as Sebastian inspected the hallucination.

_Kurt_ was now looking back at Sebastian with mumbles of words_. "I liked that teacup, like a lot. Buy me a new one, Bassie."_

In his mind, Sebastian had italicised and emphasised on hallucination Kurt's – _Kurt's_ – words and presence, just so he can separate _Kurt_ from the other one. It helped a lot right now, and his mind was cleared up significantly but it was still foggy with what had occurred before him right about now. "He's sad that his teacup is broken and is asking me to buy him a new one."

Kurt chuckled sadly as his eyes filled with nostalgia. "I used to have tea parties with my Father when I was a little kid. And my Mother used to have this big white mug that was kinda broken and she'd still sip from it and I keep it on my table and kinda talk to it when I don't know what to do." Kurt was slightly shocked that he was admitting this so easily to Sebastian but it was bringing a smile to his face, as he looked back at Sebastian's face, whom was nodding towards him and then smiled weakly.

"Your mug is my watch."

Sebastian realised when he'd said that that he really didn't think of the watch as anything less than what it was – an act of kindness from his Father, the best one at that, having Jean wrap that thick watch around Sebastian's wrist. Sebastian can still feel the pride swelling up his chest.

"How can you say that, Andrea?_ How can you? You and Mother do not understand because he spoils his girls. Saturday morning brunch—he'd buy 'the girls' extra cookies on the patio, Friday night dinners always consist of where you want to go, if I'm late by one minute, he threatens me, but to you, to Mother, oh, if you don't show up in an hour or don't show up at all, he makes up excuses for why the hell not. He loved me like that too…before I told him I was gay, before I ruined his reputation for the sake of my own desires. The first time, he just tells me to fix myself. I disobeyed him. I deliberately did so, and must suffer the consequences. I did not deserve to break down in front of Kurt fucking Hummel and his little boyfriend for something I've brought on myself—I want my control. I refuse to become a weakling. They're probably all laughing at me right now, playing their stupid acts—"_

_Andrea was staring at him in disbelief. "Are you _clinically insane_?"_

_"Possibly," Sebastian suggested._

Now that he remembered this, it was making him feel sick. He was clinically insane, as if the hallucination wasn't enough to prove that fallacy. Sebastian was staring back at _Kurt_ and remembered Andrew's words – the chemicals would be making up how he saw himself, but in a younger sort of cuter _Kurt_ form. "My disease doesn't exist in this world."

Kurt nodded his head. "Bas, you have something…that is like schizophrenia…that has its own symptoms, that has a whole hallucination…of me…that has _right_ facts about me when I was at that age for some reason." Kurt was horrified as he spoke it out. "Can…you draw the…hallucination me?"

Sebastian nodded his head as Kurt pulled out a book from his messenger bag as well as a pencil.

"Are you good at _drawing_?" Kurt suddenly asked, waking Sebastian from his reverie as he nodded his head. Kurt had expected a rough sketch but Sebastian was actually getting into it fairly well, trying to draw it out, detail by detail. Kurt had moved back, trying to almost see the hallucination that Sebastian was seeing. Sebastian looking up and down from the paper. Kurt finally met Andrea's eyes, that was full of as much horror, silenced and then she stood up to leave. Kurt slowly followed her outside into the hospital balcony, where he found her cupping her face and then sobbing softly.

"Kurt, my baby." Andrea tried to remind him. "_Lila_ has to live in _this_ family."

Kurt nodded and then moved towards her, bringing Andrea near to her and then hugging her. "I think that's why your Mother stuck with your Father for so long."

Andrea looked back at Kurt for a moment. "How…how could he do that to her? And Sebastian heard it…oh God. I don't know. I don't think he'll ever be able to erase that from his head. Sebastian always does this. He blocks out every one of his emotions and now he's…projecting it to that hallucination thing that only he can see! And…how do they think they can fix my brother? John's thought about being him in the psychiatric ward, Kurt! My brother is not a psycho! He's…been drugged. Yeah. _Drugged_." She tried to find the proper word for it, as Kurt shook his head, bringing her close and then hugging the small 5'2 girl.

The blonde had cried into Kurt's upper body, her tears silent. Kurt was sure that Sebastian could hear all of that but horrifically, when Kurt looked back, he saw that Sebastian was so into what he was drawing that he didn't hear a thing, which made Kurt realise just how precise Sebastian must be drawing the young Kurt. Sebastian was finally done after another fifteen minutes of Kurt just trying to read Sebastian's emotions on his face, as he gave Kurt the drawing.

Kurt was stunned, half due to the fact that the drawing was so accurate it can be a photograph and the other half was due to the fact that Sebastian had practically drawn how he actually looked like in his childhood. These chemicals administrated had done one thing – they made the Smythe's practically attached to the Hummel family, the fact that Jean's delusion was against Burt and Sebastian's was against him was suddenly making him thinking just what was in that concoction that Afesat had made and if it was made for something far darker than it seemed, if they needed memories.

Suddenly, Kurt's stomach dropped. _If it had anything to do with his Mother's death_.

Right now, it seemed completely and utterly possible. Kurt sat down beside Sebastian whom was looking to and from the picture he'd drawn and _Kurt_ was staring back up at him with a confused face, standing still as if posing for his drawing. "You should really be an artist," Kurt had said those words without realising he'd said them before Sebastian shrugged.

"I've never drawn beside that picture in my entire life. I've been failing art classes because I refuse to show up to them," and Kurt had looked back down at the drawing before looking back up at Sebastian. Sebastian shrugged, trying not to think about his sudden interest in the pencil and paper and mapping out faces, but then decided against it. He twirled the pencil in his hand to distract himself.

"Oh," Kurt took in that thought into his mind. "Sebastian…do…do you think that it's weird that your family has a strong fixation with me?"

Kurt was now thinking…Jean thought that Burt was dangerous, Kurt and Sebastian hated each other…so why didn't that mean it would extend to Nathalie and Elizabeth? At that rattling thought, Kurt tried to push it out but it was adamantly staying there as he realised how possible it was. Still shocked by what he had figured out, Kurt sat back down, flipping his notebook in his hand and then looking back at Sebastian whom was nodding his head.

"Afesat can easily get a hold of anyone from your family's blood. If there were any blood donations, anything, they'd just randomly use that up to fix it up…it would make sense. Blood would pass down from generation to generation, or if they were pills and they kept on using the same ones…"

Kurt nodded his head, and knew immediately that Sebastian was trying to psycho-analyse what was going on as well, trying to find something that made sense. "I look sad."

Sebastian was staring at the picture now too and then nodded his head. "Yeah."

Kurt knew what that meant, that meant that either Sebastian was telling him that the actual Kurt was sad, or the fact that Sebastian himself was depressed at what he'd realised and he could understand all of that. Kurt placed the notebook down on the table and then turned around to stare at Sebastian. "I have to tell my Father about this, Sebastian…I don't know what those Afesat guys did to your Dad but I think he's dangerous…and I don't want Jean to be thrown in jail because—"

"—you'll be hypocritical if you help me and not help the Father that has the same exact drug in my system," Sebastian finished off for him and Kurt nodded his head. "Don't do it in hear. I don't want to hear anyone retell that delightful story."

Kurt nodded his head, respecting Sebastian's wishes as he pulled out the phone. "I'm going to give you a night of denial and then I'm coming back up here tomorrow and we're going to find a way to fix this, okay?"

Sebastian slowly nodded his head silently as Kurt called out to Andrea. Andrea nodded, and then looked back at Sebastian whom had started coughing again. Andrea stopped to stare at the boy that was practically coughing up a lung. Kurt didn't know what to do as he pressed his finger on that button, with the intention of calling his Father. Instead, he shut off the phone and then called someone else first. "Blaine." Kurt called out his name, with a petrified voice. "How are you feeling, honey?"

"I-I'm okay, Kurt. Just…I don't know. I guess I'm just sick right now. I don't have a brain lesion and I'm not blind so that's okay, but I have to say goodbye to Lilly right now and I really don't want to."

"I'll be there. In like…fifteen minutes." Kurt looked at Andrea whom nodded her head, knowing the question that Kurt was going to ask was somewhere on the lines of 'are you coming with me?' or 'do you want to go with me?' and at that response, Kurt took a deep breath. "Blaine, we're in an awful mess right now with Sebastian and…I'm going to tell you when I get there, okay?"

"Oh…okay, Kurt." Blaine said, voice full of pain. "Just get hear quick, okay? They're not gonna wait long…my parents have wanted her out of the house for so long…"

"Okay. I promise, Blainey. Really."

"Okay."

With that, Kurt shut the phone and charged himself towards the hospital doorway, clutching his bag too tightly almost as if he was worrying the contents were going to spill. Now, Kurt had a sick boyfriend, a sick…whatever Sebastian was – his _friend_?, a worried Mother, and a whole puzzle to try and play connect the dots with. So at that, Kurt placed the key in the ignition and tried to forget as he allowed Phantom of the Opera to blare out. Andrea didn't say a word. Kurt was silently relieved.

_Okay, Kurt. You're visiting your sick boyfriend. That's just it. He wants to say goodbye to his cat, okay? You're not going to cry or flail or anything. You're just helping your sick boyfriend with something's that's similar to the flu. Act like nothing's happened. After all, who said you can't have a night of denial too? It'll help, you know. It'll help._


	16. a mindless indication

_to Carbon65 (OH MY GOSH YOU READ THREE OF MY FANFICS AND I'M LIKE - YOUR FANGIRL PERSON), and i think that it's good the hallucinations are sort of confusing. like. i always wanted to put you in Bas' head for some reason. anyway. answering your questions 1) HIV is still transmitted through blood transfusions, about 15% and has an 90-93% chance of infecting someone. whilst blood is screened, there's always some that manages to slip (about one in five million is the stats? anyway. and there's another reason which i'm not going to say that i'll use to explain when the chapter comes). 2) sickle cell disease is one of the most prevalent disease here and they're very normal unless they go into crisis/as well as the fact that fatigue and shortness of breath is common but it shows more of itself around colder temperatures when arteries are more narrow and less wide so there's a higher chance of blood being crystallised (from the research i did, Ohio has a more moderate climate year-round). 3) i actually asked this Doctor a question and he said that HIV attacks the immune system but SCD problems are mostly related to anaemia. the biggest problem here is Bas contracting an illness that is gonna fuck with his blood, which means it'll prob be deadly. _

_Oh, this fanfic might not have a happy ending, and character death is very possible now that I think about it. I'm unsure but if not, don't read any further. Like I said, it's quite possible I might kill a character especially since it is in fact HIV and I want to make it realistic even though a lot of it is pure and utter imagination and unrealistic…but I'm unsure about this up until now. Keep it in mind though! If you don't like charri death, then it's better to stop reading then not? I'm unsure though if something will or will not happen. This fanfic is taking over its own direction. It's one of those fanfics that kind of writes itself, and I don't even know what symbolism I'm using half the time or what's going to happen. _

_Oh, and I love love love the double-slit experiment. It's really amazing! Seriously! _

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><p>16 – a mindless indication<p>

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><p>Blaine Anderson knew it shouldn't matter. It was a freaking cat, after all, but this was the same cat that had lived with him for so long, curling near him, pressing his head against his side, and then purring to him. Finn was "kinda" allergic to her though so Blaine never brought her in the Hummel-Hudson household, but she was always there, home—greeting him with that long, graceful tail wrapping around his calf as she circled him, nuzzling into him with affection. It felt like something wrong was going on when he had to give her up.<p>

_Come on, Blaine. At least you wouldn't have to watch her die, right? And you… you know you have to do this. You're sick, Blaine. You're sick._

'Sick' was the word that was used now in the Anderson household. Nobody acknowledged that Blaine had HIV – they just called him sick. They knew the minute they picked him up and the Doctors had told him but they didn't quite understand it. Joseph quickly understood that it was because of a blood transfusion but Maria was starting to doubt the fact that Blaine's sexuality wouldn't get him into trouble. Kurt was barely mentioned in his house, which was why Blaine was okay with him leaving here and there, because it was the only way his Mother wouldn't go ballistic with the fact that Kurt and Blaine were joined to the hip far too often.

This was bad also since with the toxoplasmosis, there was no sympathy from his Mother, because she thought he was over exaggerating a simple illness. Blaine was petrified when he realised his Mother's opinion on this, making him feel dissociated in the household. He almost wanted to shout at her and get into a screaming match about why it was important, because he was freaking going to _die_ soon enough, because his CD4 count was ridiculously low, and until Sebastian had made a big deal out of it, Blaine didn't seem to care. Joseph always had those results in his hands, and he didn't know how to read them. Blaine hated being caged into this house right now, barely able to go anywhere.

With a staggering cough and a stuffy nose, Blaine leaned down to run his hand through Lilly's fur just one more time.

"At least he's finally getting rid of that cat." Joseph muttered and Blaine wanted to snap at him and tell him that this cat was a lot more supportive of him than Joseph was right now, but he didn't say anything, choosing silence over words as he continued to run his hand through that cat's fur. The last thing he wanted was to strike up a fight with him and his parents.

The door was open and Kurt had opened it, sliding inside of the Anderson household. Even though Kurt was used to seeing it, it was still amazing in his eyes, beautiful and all. Kurt had compared this with Andrea's quaint apartment, knowing that Sebastian's main house must look something like the elegant Anderson household. Kurt looked down at Blaine whom was stroking Lilly for the last few times. "Okay, Blaine," Kurt nodded, allowing a few more strokes before stating. "Let her go now."

Blaine stopped stroking her and leaned back, allowing the man in the uniform to take the cat and cage her.

"_Hey_! She doesn't appreciate that!" Blaine called out afterwards, giving the man a long, cold glare, and the man in uniform was staring at Blaine as if he was insane. Blaine looked back up at Kurt, whom was pointing towards his hands.

"Wash them this time," Kurt reminded him.

Blaine honestly felt lucky enough to have Kurt. Kurt was the only one that reminded him to do that, even Blaine had forgotten. _That's because you want to pretend like one day, you're gonna be sick with the normal fucking cold and it's gonna kill you_ the voice in his head maliciously called out and it was true. That was his ultimate fate in the end, wasn't it?

"Blaine, I have to sit down and talk to you."

The next hour and forty-nine minutes was full of screaming and trying to understand. Blaine was trying to piece together every right now as Kurt tried to remain calm through it all whilst Blaine exploded at every singular sentence. When Kurt described that one time he had sex with Sebastian, Blaine's mind did draw a blank at how they'd done it or how he'd felt, feeling and remembering nothing at all, nothing except floating on clouds, which made Blaine secretly blush. That silenced Blaine enough for Kurt to try and get out the entire story, that they'd hurt Bruce, Andrew and George say it out loud, that Sebastian's faking had turned into something very real and very unknown, and was potentially dangerous.

Blaine blinked as Kurt allowed him to finally take it all in. It took Blaine fifteen minutes of just thinking of what to do. What did this mean between himself, Kurt and Sebastian right now? Was Blaine going to help him? Blaine felt abnormally guilty for not telling Kurt about the car crash and for being oblivious enough to realise that Burt was telling him to keep it disclosed because of something more serious than that. He felt disgusted that he had the Jean Smythe's blood running through him right now and that because of that man, not only was Sebastian suffering from too many diseases to count, but also had given Blaine HIV and ruined his family, even though Jean's intentions were good when he'd given him the transfusion. Blaine suddenly wished he had never been in that car, that he'd never agreed to get a ride from Burt.

_You didn't want to say no, remember? If you said no, it would be rude._

Suddenly, Blaine hated how dapper he was that he didn't want to seem rude by refusing. It was the same thought going through his mind the minute that Carole had cut him a slice of cake that only Finn could demolish and he ate it all and spent the night lying on the couch trying to digest the amount of food he'd just eaten, falling asleep only late because he wasn't used to feeling all of that food in him when he slept.

"What now?" Blaine blurted the thought out of his mind before he can really think about it.

Kurt was thinking for a moment before he took a deep breath. "I think we're supposed to help Sebastian. I don't know if he's our friend but—it's connected to me, Blaine. I told you. The fact that his hallucination is based on me…and…"

Kurt pulled out the notebook now and Blaine can see a very accurate representation of Kurt when he was a younger boy. He knew Kurt's pictures and thought they were cute. He already thought that Kurt had an adorable baby-face but it was even rounder and cuter when he was young. Sebastian somehow had managed to capture that perfectly. Blaine was staring back at the drawing before he bit down his lower lip.

"He drew that. It's supposed to be his hallucination," Kurt finally said, explaining what Blaine was seeing. "Now, he's the weird part. He said he's _never_ drawn before."

Blaine blinked for a moment, digesting the information yet again before beginning to speak. "Kurt, do you think…" Blaine had completely let that idea drift away but Kurt was looking at him, urging him to continue anyway. "…okay. I'm a physics geek and…did you hear about the double slit experiment?"

"Oh God," Kurt shook his head and Blaine found himself laughing as Kurt continued to complain. "You're going to tell me all about it, aren't you?"

Blaine nodded his head. "The double slit experiment is basically proof that not all things in life are logical. What happens is that there was a debate whether matter flows in energy or in wavelengths. So they shone a photon of light towards a slit, and they saw that it travels as energy by creating a band of electrons. But when they project it in a certain manner, the photon travels at a wavelength and creates a pattern – though when they projected the pattern through two slits, they realise that they make bands but also create a pattern, which means that they're both. They thought that 'but what are the photons travelling through? Which slit?' Or if they were even travelling through the slit at all so they tried to measure it through the slits. When they tried to observe it what happened is that the photons acted like as energy and just made two bands like they thought they would in the first place, as if the electrons _knew_ you were measuring them so their behaviour depends on if you were observing them or not."

Kurt looked like he was taking all of this in.

"So what's happening with Sebastian," Blaine began, trying to voice out his theory. "I think he's looking at two parallel worlds. I think what happens is that a part of his mind finally shut down and said 'this is enough!' when he was administered that drug and it made him not observe this or that anymore, so he's staring at a completely different world, so that would explain why that Kurt was so much like you when you were a kid… maybe not because Sebastian had some fixation on you, but maybe because he's staring at an actual _you_ from another world."

Kurt looked like he was taking all of this with confusion. "So…you're saying that there are two different worlds and Sebastian's seeing both of ours?"

Blaine nodded his head. He waited for Kurt to call him insane, but instead, he watched Kurt pull out his phone and call Burt Hummel.

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><p><em>another phemona that can explain this is the string theory that suggests we definitely have multiple universes, but not to bore you with Physics or how out of line any of this is so. and yes, in my HC, Blaine is definitely a science geek. feedback, babes?<em>


	17. a secret revealed

_To PenMagic: Yeah. I know how that feels! :) And I'm glad you think so. I'm just happy you guise aren't all like: ...enough, Sammy, just stop with all of this! Why can't you write a nice, simple fanfic? i read that comment and my heart warmed. Actually, Quinn's car accident is...mentioned around Chapter 21-22. It hasn't happened yet I'm glad! :) -huggles- I love you. Reviewers like you make me smile and my sunshine just explodes on the inside, so yeah. Here's a chappie for you amazing person!_

_To Carbon65: OH MY GOD. THE. THE. CARBON65. THE AMAZING PERSON THAT WROTE 'CONTROL' is fangirling and freaking out over my chappie. i'm still fangirling that you'd find anything of mine interesting YOU MADE ME SHIP NICKBASTIAN WHY. I love Physics!nerd Blaine. that experiment was like 0_0 for a geek like me! :) Sebangst ASDFGHJKL; ^_^ awe! Gosh. Sometimes the charris have a mind of their own. I myself don't know what's going on half the time. It just writes itself._

_yes. to differentiate between Kurt hallucination and real Kurt, Kurt hallucination's lines/existence is italicised. xD. real Kurt is just _Kurt, _no italics. this is so weird.  
><em>

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><p>17 – a secret revealed<p>

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><p>Sebastian Smythe only woke up because he had to cough out a lung. He didn't literally cough out a lung but they were so much on fire that he wished he would've. He shut his eyes as <em>Kurt<em> - the freaking hallucination was now fucking italicised in his mind, oh, okay - made his way towards him, and now, pressed his head up against his hand. "_Sebastian, I want my Mom right now."_ _Kurt_ breathed out against Sebastian's hand.

Sebastian looked down at the small child. How can he not be real? _He feels so freaking real. He feels so freaking real_. Sebastian wondered if Kurt's skin felt as soft and amazing as _Kurt's_ skin right now. _Kurt's_ eyes were dropping significantly, and then he looked back up at him and asked him.

_"Can…can you hold my hand right now?"_ _Kurt_ sat up on the chair and pulled his hand out. Sebastian squeezed the hand and was shocked at how cute and small it felt, like he was holding a real person. His_ hallucination_ was _touching_ him. He was _touching_ his _hallucination_. _Oh my God._

About a moment later, had Sebastian seen the sick-looking pale Blaine walk inside of the room with Kurt behind him. Sebastian shot a cold, harsh glare towards Kurt as he held onto the imaginary Kurt's hand tighter. "Are you going to hit me?"

Sebastian looked down at his hand. It must've looked like it was balled into a fist for no apparent reason at all before he shook his head, but then Sebastian spat out his worries and reason for rage. "I told you Andy that I just wanted you."

Blaine shook his head. "I'm your friend, Sebastian." For some reason, the fact that Blaine freely used the term _friend_ to describe Sebastian made Sebastian's heart hurt and his skin crawl, because at least one person thought of him as a friend and at least one person indicated that Sebastian can rely on him if he wanted to. That seemed like more than enough for Sebastian Smythe right about now but at the same time, he wanted Blaine to be more than just a friend.

_Kurt_ was staring at Blaine as if he was a possible predator. "_I don't like him_."

Sebastian snorted, chuckling sadly as Kurt raised his eyebrow at him. "The hallucination Kurt is…well, he isn't particularly fond of Blaine."

Blaine was flustering now and Sebastian remembered why he loved him so goddamn much. Blaine was so dapper and awkward. That was what made him perfect. He was just everything that Sebastian could hope for – _innocent_. Then, of course, he blew up in rage, but then his innocence turned into sexy. Sebastian felt like he was gulping for air, a sign of his pneumonia. Sebastian and Blaine both went into coughing fits, Sebastian's more tiring and exhausting.

Blaine watched Sebastian take Kurt's bag. Kurt had given in and given him the bag, watching Sebastian pull out a pencil and take the notebook that was there right beside him. He did this all with one hand, the other one tightly clenched to hold _Kurt's_ hand. "_Draw me a tree. Blaine reminds me of a tree." Kurt_ called out efficiently. _"One with no leaves, and really big branches, but with huge roots…and oh, flowers! Lilies!" _

For some reason, Sebastian took every word that _Kurt_ was saying and was absent-mindedly drawing. Now, Sebastian was stuck in another infinite reality. Kurt might be speaking. Blaine might be speaking but it was like his mind was blocking that out and all he could focus on was the stroke of the pencil, the grey, the shading, hearing _Kurt's_ voice over and over in his head, speaking. There was only so much that Sebastian Smythe can do before going insane.

It had taken him quite a while but he managed to fill the page up and then point towards the drawing of the tree. "This…reminds the hallucination Kurt of Blaine." He finally managed to explain.

Blaine nodded slowly, and flustered again. "Oh," and then peeked towards the drawing, not knowing what to say before a wide, brilliant smile came towards his face. "When I was six. My Dad used to take me here and he'd make me lie down on the lilies and then just…you know, stare at the tree. That tree never had leaves, but it always had so many birds. They were birches and they were so big. It kind of made me swing up towards the sky and just disappear sometimes. I loved how big and strong the branches were. It's…one of the singular most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life and I can _still_ smell the lily pads."

Sebastian was getting a very quizzical look from Kurt, causing him to sigh. He didn't plan any of this. _Kurt_ was just telling him what to draw. Blaine's face then fell into a serious expression as he made a movement to sit down in the chair that _Kurt_ was sitting in before Blaine gave him a glare. "No, someone's there."

When Kurt rolled his eyes, Sebastian wanted to slap him. Blaine got himself a chair from the back of the room and sat down to explain the double-slit experiment. Sebastian paid attention but it was so tedious that he tried very hard not to fall asleep right in the middle of it, and then he explained how this might be related to him. Sebastian raised an eyebrow. It would explain why _Kurt_ knew something about Blaine, something real, something that had happened in the actual Blaine's life that Sebastian didn't know about before.

"These drawings," Blaine said, breathlessly. "I think they're our connection from that world to this one."

"Do…do you want this?" Sebastian didn't know why he was so awkward around Blaine, but maybe it was the way that Blaine took his breath away – okay, a great deal of that must've been the pneumonia as well but Sebastian can care less right now. Blaine nodded his head as Sebastian tore the page out and had given it to Blaine. Blaine looked down at it as if Sebastian had given him something priceless, not a picture drawn in lined paper and a simple number two pencil.

What Sebastian didn't expect at all was when Blaine's arms wrapped diligently around Sebastian's chest, and he brought him close into a warm hug. Sebastian finally let go of _Kurt's_ hand, but only to place it onto Blaine's back. The embrace lasted for a few moments before Blaine had pulled away with a smile that Sebastian thought only children had, the kind of smile that lit up Blaine's entire face and made him look like the most beautiful thing in the world.

Kurt got another call from Burt and was preoccupied with explaining what he'd just learned as Blaine looked back at Sebastian. "How's…the pneumonia going along? Is your CD4 count really low?" Blaine finally managed to ask.

Sebastian had almost forgotten why he was hospitalised for. Every day, it seemed more likely that he was hospitalised for being insane more than he was hospitalised for the physical illness. Sebastian also realised while he was in physical pain, he barely realised any of it being around Blaine right now, almost as if his aura had made him forget about all things physically painful. Sebastian shook his head. "Still not as low as yours," and now, Sebastian was glowering at Blaine.

_For a fucking cat._

Blaine shut his eyes. "They took Lilly away from me."

"_She used to curl up all night with him for the past few years and make him feel really good when he's down so he thinks it's kinda like losing someone, not just some dumb cat_," _Kurt_ finally explained as Sebastian listened to that high-pitched voice, realising that every word of that was actually true was making him feel exceptionally sad for Blaine. _"He let a filthy kitty near him. Gross."_

Sebastian bit down his lower lip. "I can draw her too, you know."

_"No, Bassie! I'm not gonna tell you how that thing looks like!" Kurt was_ exclaiming but then Sebastian looked at him. _I held your hand, bitch. You're doing this for me._ At that thought, _Kurt_ finally nodded his head and Blaine was still full of so much shock, adoration and glee for Sebastian's onset talent that he really didn't think of anything else as he watched Sebastian be trapped in his own world again. This time, he drew the cat almost as if he can see her in front of him with _Kurt's_ very accurate description – at some point, _Kurt's_ image of the cat filled his mind, almost as if he was actually catching a glimpse from her. Had he seen a cat from another reality? Somewhat, he divulged deeper into the lines, just the whole process of watching it unfold before him, the picture of the cat coming to life…and then he had torn the page from its spiral edge, and had given it to Blaine. Blaine's eyes filled wide. "This is how she looked like when I found her. She was so tiny and…" Blaine was shaking his head.

_You dolt, he feels happy that he can share his memory with you. You can relate with people by sharing memories with them._ Sebastian didn't know what that meant fully, but he realised that it couldn't mean anything good. He just nodded his head towards Blaine. It made him happy, and that was enough, right? Sure, it didn't get Blaine into bed with him, no matter how much Sebastian longed to feel his skin underneath his…

Sebastian's brain was raking, heavily filled with fogginess as Sebastian drew. He drew like he had never drawn before, the pencil clattering. When it broke, Sebastian was panting heavily, almost like if he didn't get this out, he would die. There was a certain heaviness in his head as Sebastian pulled his hand out, to show Blaine the broken pencil. "Oh, okay." Blaine seemed to understand immediately. The world was getting blurry and hazy, and Blaine was giving him a new, sharpened pencil. Almost as if his mind knew he was given the proper equipment, the pencil hit paper in seconds as Sebastian continued to draw, snippets of the image getting into his mind as _Kurt's_ voice filled his mind, laughter and happiness and whimpers and tears, as he explained the figure before him, the bed, the sight…

Kurt had walked back inside this time. Sebastian realised that Kurt was completely pale. Kurt realised that big, heavy tears were spilling from Kurt's eyes.

Sebastian looked down and he didn't know what he'd drawn as Kurt let out three consecutive sobs. "Sebastian," Kurt had called him out. Sebastian looked back up at Kurt, whom was looking back at the picture as if he'd drawn something horrific. There was a picture of a woman, her hair in a bun, curling up towards her bedside, clutching her stomach, her shoulder blades sticking out, and the white duvet covering her naked body, but drips of blood spilling from her neck. "What is _this_?"

"I think she killed herself."

Kurt shook his head, as tears burned into his eyes again. "Sebastian," and then he took a deep breath. "That's my Mom."


	18. shallow surface

_to Kitsune-chann: awe! that is so sweet of you to say! -swoon-_

_to Sarahamanda: and updated!_

_to Carbon65: WHUT YOU FANGIRLING OVER ME? Okay. I'm fangirling over you. I pee at your awesome (-Toby Turner voice-). Awe! I love the supernatural, also Supernatural. Oh! The italics are a bitch to do. It's like everytime I write his name, I have to remember to leave it in italics. This fanfic is full of Kurt and Kurt that way. AND DUDE THATS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL WHEN I'M WRITING. it's like all of the words are sounding out in my head and if there's something else i have to pay attention to, then i can't write. ohhhhhhh. twists ahoy! :3 - ASDFGHJKL; you are amazing. it's just. i don't know. when i first saw you review something of mine, something inside my heart went KABOOM. and i'm like: oh my God. ever since you mentioned acidosis in Control, i was in love with you. -sniffles- Blaine and cat is approaching my cannon as well. and i'm slightly...well, i have an issue w/ chapters. i write a load of them so i can update whenever. i actually can't just write one chapter and then wait and write another when i get reviews. i have to be 4+ chapters ahead. i'm around...chapter 24-ish now (writing that) so i can update them quite frequently. plus, i just don't have a life. :)_

_to PenMagic: LOL. I'm a negative person so i thought 'oh my Gosh why did i make you angry' and then i was like OH. Cooper. oh. xD. review of a review. :'3 and i'll be sure to check them out. hmm. and Carbon65's story is amazing. just saying. that person is just pure awesomeness shredded in cheese baked in the oven at 350 degrees. that, or i just really love Sebangst. xD. LOL. alternate Kurt is just giving me more reason to disband Klaine whilst another part of me is like: WOMAN. STAY IN CANNON FOR ONCE. Gosh. i can be slightly gruesome sometimes, but i'm trying to make it a...'pretty darkness'. i think that only exists in my head or something._

_**Sammy note**: just in case, i have no idea about pairings and all. i'm trying to keep it cannon but this story's been pretty all over the place, so if something happens, and some weird pairing gets together (like Nick and a banana), then that's totally not my fault._

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><p>18 – shallow surface<p>

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><p>Kurt Hummel's mind was literally numb with shock, horror and terror. When he'd seen that face he'd known, and the bottle of pills next to the nightstand had killed him. Kurt's mind reeled with every possible emotion. Sadness that his Mother had even thought of doing that to himself. Rage at his Father from telling him that she died of disease. Fear that it Kurt wouldn't be able to handle this tomorrow. Pain that if they might've gotten to her soon enough, then she might still be here today. And then—there was just impassiveness in Kurt's body. He couldn't feel a thing even if he tried. His mind was heavy with <em>nothing<em>, and that empty space of _nothing_ made everything in him go numb.

_He lied to you he lied to you he lied to you. For eight years he'd lied to you._

All Kurt can remember was the stories that Burt made up, that his Mother was a happy, beautiful woman that would never hurt herself in any possible way. All of this concealed. He never mentioned that his Mother was depressed. He never mentioned any of this. This made Kurt take his messenger bag. He met with Blaine's eyes quickly. He didn't want that look of pure realisation on Blaine's face as he slowly moved towards him. Kurt held himself back, almost as if Blaine a jock that was going to ridicule him, almost as if he can hear words of _KURT'S MOTHER TRIED TO KILL HERSELF BECAUSE HE'S A FUCK-UP FUCK-UP FUCK-UP _racing in his mind. If he wasn't gay. If he wasn't gay. If he wasn't gay.

No, he tried to tell himself. No, that wasn't it_. You're doing this again, Kurt. Stay calm. Stay calm._

Kurt bolted straight out of the doorway, hearing Blaine call him out "_Kurt_!" but if Blaine knew well enough then Kurt didn't want to talk to anyone. It was just like his Dad lying in the hospital again, that tragic news that sent him into a spiral where he just didn't want to see people and curl up into a ball forever or until things looked bright enough to actually move and do something for himself. The drive was quick. It was really just a small drive from the General Hospital to his house but he really just didn't care. To Kurt's mind, it was too slow. He wasn't in bed yet and that was all he wanted right now. He grabbed his bag, whizzing through the door as quickly as possible.

"_Kurt! Dinner, sweetheart_!" Carole called out from the kitchen. Kurt stopped dead in his tracks as he gripped the messenger bag. It was almost like they'd know exactly what Kurt was thinking about the minute they'd see his face. It was like he was just going to start puking if he thought about it anymore. It was almost like if he even saw Burt, he was afraid he'd just break down and confess everything and Kurt was sure that would happen the minute he walked in.

So he walked downstairs, feeling nothing at all, but at the same time, feeling everything. He was dissociated from the world. _How did I get here again?_ He could've sworn a second ago, he was standing in the hospital. This sudden familiar place had suddenly become unknown, unreal, and didn't have the same familiarity and beauty it had before. Kurt walked inside and realised that Carole was smiling brightly at him. They didn't know how pale he was or how much his heart was racing out of his chest.

"Honey, you're late again."

Kurt nodded his head as he sat down onto the chair on the left. On the opposite of him was Finn, on the end of the table was Burt and on the other end, there was Carole. Kurt looked down at his piece of lasagne and all he could think about was _your Mother used to love making this, you disgusting piece of shit_. Kurt pushed the plate away.

"Kurt." Burt called out.

_Don't do anything. Don't cry. Don't snap at him. _Kurt looked at him as calmly as he could, holding everything inside of him before he exploded.

"What's wrong, kiddo? You haven't acted like this in such a long time. Did those NYADA people get back at you and tell you…some bad news?" Burt bit down his lower lip, trying to analyse Kurt.

NYADA was actually so far out of Kurt's mind it was irrelevant right now. Kurt shook his head and then finally said in a wobbly voice. "Mom." Kurt didn't even look at Carole when he said this. "You. Lied. To. Me."

"Kiddo, I don't get what you're talking about—"

Suddenly, the numbness was replaced by one singular emotion. _Rage_. Hot-white rage and it caused Kurt to stand up from his seat and then point towards Burt. "No, you _do_! You _do_ know what I'm talking about! I'm talking about the fact that my Mother _killed herself_ and I had to find it out from psycho Sebastian because his hallucination told him to draw out the scene perfectly! I know. I know she was lying in bed, and there was those pills and she wasn't even wearing clothes and…" Kurt's eyes filled with tears right now.

Burt moved towards him and then tried to hold him. Kurt simply jumped up. "Don't talk to me." Kurt's voice was snippy and harsh, but it was what Kurt felt like Burt deserved at that instance.

At that moment, Kurt had disappeared from the dinner table, catching Finn's eyes that were full of understanding. Kurt knew why. If Carole had lied to Finn about Christopher's death, he would've done the same, so to that, Kurt mentally thanked the fact that Finn understood him so well even though Finn seemed dense, he was a lot more understanding than some thought he was.

Kurt walked upstairs and shut the door afterwards, trying to block the images out of his head. He debated on whether or not to call Sebastian, as he looked down to see that Blaine was calling him. Finally, Kurt answered. "Blaine?" he didn't want his voice to be snippy but that was how it was in the end. "Why are you calling me?"

Blaine waited for a moment before responding. "I'm here."

Kurt sighed erratically. "I don't really want anyone. I just want to be alone right now, Blaine, okay? You're supposed to be resting anyway. Just lay down there and I'm going to come by tomorrow and pick up your sick leaves for the school, fine?"

"Oh…okay." Blaine stammered.

Kurt hadn't remembered much afterwards, just that he immediately fell asleep. When he woke up, he woke up earlier but wanted to go back to sleep. Kurt wondered for a moment if he should even try to do any of his normal routines today. _Yeah. If Mercedes takes one look at you without your hair stylised or in perfect clothing, then you're toast._ Kurt was obligated to do his hair, and wear his clothes. He did not want to skip school to go to Regionals today. He did not feel like doing anything but falling asleep. He had done everything just as he would've on a normal day, as he buttoned the last bit of his fitted vest, and then walked downstairs, walking past his Father whom was grabbing onto Kurt's wrist.

"I know you're not talking to me, kiddo, but please, eat something."

The pleading in Burt's voice made Kurt finally sit down as Burt served him up Italian sausage on along with an excessive amount of eggs, and two pieces of toast.

"You're eating _all_ of that," Burt said, voice adamant. Kurt sighed erratically before nodding his head and then trying to power through the breakfast. It was exceptionally easier than normal, not even pausing to tell him about the amount of fat or the lack of nutritional value in any of this, especially the eggs that have been stripped out of their value with the load of butter that his Father used to cook them.

The fact that Kurt ate all of that without making a single complaint had really gotten through with Burt. Now that Kurt was standing, he felt like the food was settling in him hard, but at the same time, like he could eat a bit more, like he wasn't bursting from not feeling full. Kurt had grabbed onto his messenger bag, and secured it on his shoulder, holding its clutch in Kurt fashion before leaving out the doorway along with Finn, whom didn't say a word. Right now, Finn's silence was making stopping Kurt from going insane.

"Are you really gonna marry Rachel?" Kurt suddenly looked up at Finn whom nodded his head.

"Yeah." Finn muttered. Kurt was honestly shocked that his Father even cared with what Finn's wedding being just shortly after Regionals. Kurt had seen Sebastian text him: _that big lug of yours is getting married?_ Kurt found the smallest of smiles finally meeting his lips. Finn grinned. "That's like the first time I've seen you smile today."

_Kurt: yes. Why? Do you want an invite?_

_Sebastian: sure, why the hell not? You better fucking wait for me and you better have my clothes, Hummel. I'm not skipping this for one bit_.

When Kurt's smile widened, Finn's did as well as Kurt answered back: _wouldn't have it any other way, meerkat_. He shut his iPhone and Finn just shook his head. "Blaine?" and now, Kurt was out of his thoughts. He realised that whilst he didn't respond to Blaine and wanted to be alone, he responded to Sebastian's quirky comment immediately. _Well, he is the one that told you. You can't really shun the guy that has a hallucination of you, can you? _Kurt pondered this thought for a moment before he grabbed onto the plastic-covered show clothes that Kurt had ironed. Behind them, were the wedding clothing. Sebastian's was wedged between that.

Getting there was a long time. Kurt grabbed the clothes and Mr Schue had them moved to the back of the bus. Kurt tried to ignore the sunniness of the world when his world felt like it was crashing down. Just as they were about to leave, Kurt had stopped Mr Schue and then waited for a few moments, seeing Blaine and Sebastian fight as they both tried to get onto the bus at the same time.

"If you weren't so big, I would fit in here."

"If you weren't so bony, I would be able to slide in here with my ridiculously amazing physical wellbeing." At this, Sebastian moved and Blaine inside. Blaine flustered as Sebastian nodded, and then stood back up again. Kurt smiled at the sight of the two boys and then patted at both of the seats before him. Sebastian sighed as he sat at the end, whilst Blaine sat right next to Kurt, sandwiching Kurt by the two ex-Warblers.

Sebastian stared at Kurt now, with that smirk on his face. "Hummel."

Kurt was shocked at Sebastian can bounce back so quickly as Sebastian coughed. Blaine had almost been triggered by this because he started to cough as well. Kurt sighed. "It's a miracle I'm not sick yet." Kurt finally looked up to see Sebastian looking down at him, with a look that was speculating the boy's existence. Kurt looked away. "Is…the other Kurt here?" Kurt whispered.

Sebastian nodded his head. "He's singing Lady Gaga as you speak."

To that, Kurt had started humming to Lady Gaga. For some reason, Sebastian had put him at ease, and the atmosphere was getting lighter. He can feel horrible when he got home. The heaviness in his stomach was getting lighter by the moment, but he hoped it would last at least until Regionals and the wedding was over, then he can break down all he wanted.

Mercedes seemed to raise an eyebrow from just on the opposite seat on the bus. "Kurt?" she called out. "Are we…friends with Sebastian now?"

Sebastian shrugged. "How sweetly put."

Kurt shrugged again, causing Sebastian's facial expression to drop, and then he looked at Blaine. "Hey, I'm your friend," Blaine offered with a sickly sweet smile that made Kurt sigh. Blaine was just too good. He forgave, but he didn't forget that was for sure. It would be implanted into Blaine's mind until another fight broke out and then he'd use all of those weaknesses and weapons against Sebastian and hurt him harder.

"How are you _not_ in the hospital?" Kurt finally asked.

Sebastian smirked. "I may have possibly threatened John that I will tell Andrea about his porn collection if he did not pull me out of there, and he said that only for day. I have the man on speed dial and if I do any stupid moves, I'm dead apparently, but my CD4 count isn't very alarming, _unlike some other people_." Blaine flustered immediately before nodding his head, his face full of shame.

Sebastian's eyes were full of hardness. Kurt knew that Sebastian will be facing his Father soon.

"I don't think we can do this, Bas," Blaine said, voice hoarse as he coughed again. "I'm afraid we're gonna collapse or something."

Sebastian stared back at Blaine. "You have toxo and are getting better. I'm also getting better. We do not have fevers above 103 degrees anymore. We do not have serious coughing fits. I can breathe without having my lungs burst from how they feel like they're on fire. We're going to be just fine." With the way that Sebastian sounded, Kurt was almost happy to have him around and that thought scared him for a moment before he dropped it. Sebastian was proudly wearing the Swatch Kurt had got him. Kurt looked down to see that it was glistening even brighter, meaning that Sebastian even took the time to clean them this time.

Their bus stopped in front of the building. Sebastian watched from the window as Jean Smythe walked out of a luxuriously branded car along with Bruce, George, and Andrew, whom were laughing happily. Sebastian shot daggers at all of them. Sebastian's eyes never left his Father as he watched him descend into the building. He absent-mindedly ran his thumb through the watch whilst he stared, and then in a sure voice, whispered. "I'm ready."


	19. digging deeper

_to Guest: updating :)_

_to PenMagic: yes, he can! :) xD ahaha. totally no. it's taking me some time reading your fanfic. I'm reading "Uniform" but it's taking me some i'm a slow reader and i review as i read (everyone loves it when i review like that so hopefully, you will too). i think i'm just up to the part where Blaine tells us about Tom and there's that flashback scene. :P (oh, no, Regionals is like...extended over two chappies :3 or maybe even three 'cause I'm boss like that xD). awe, you're so amazing. IS IT? Gosh. I love you. And I'm glad I made your week better, sweetheart. :) aweeeeee. I LOVE Klaine too. I also love Kurtbastian. Kandler. Seblaine. Finn with anything that's movable that has a sperm. ESPECIALLY SINN. Gosh. xD. Hmm. I'd continue to say nothing about this. :') Awe. I won't give up on this fanfic. I have had my surge of inspiration. Hopefully, it'll stay until the very end. :'D_

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><p>19 – digging deeper<p>

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><p>Dressed in his attire, Sebastian turned from one side to another. It was obvious he was losing an endless amount of weight right now. Rachel Berry was making them all weigh themselves so she can keep tabs on weights during Sectionals, Regionals and Nationals and constrict a plan that will give them their best performance. This was probably why Rachel Berry had scrunched her nose when Sebastian weighed in at 146.4 and then she looked up at him to see his figure and then back at his face. His clothes were looser on him. He'd dropped at around six point two pounds in the past few weeks. If John had seen that number right then, he'd shit bricks. His shirt was loose around the middle and the upper arm, and his pants were very loose at his thighs, making him look like the costume was made for someone that was bigger. For Sebastian, when even a pound came off, it showed, so it shocked him he could lose even six without anyone saying a word.<p>

That was until then because Kurt was poking Sebastian's ribcage. "I am met with bone very quickly," Kurt inspected, and then stared at himself in the mirror. In Sebastian's eyes, Kurt's hair was stylised perfectly and he was wearing pressed and fitted attire. Sebastian finally met Blaine, whom also looked like his clothing was swallowing him whole. Sebastian had paused to see Blaine weigh himself and mentally cringed when he saw that Blaine was around 145. Kurt was giving Blaine that look that meant that he had to eat. Sebastian wanted to collapse in and laugh to his death because the difference between Blaine and him was barely two pounds, except Blaine was a freaking hobbit.

"You HIV people must give me your diet plans," Kurt muttered after a moment, but his eyes were adamant. "Though, in all truthfulness, you look like Hell bent over so I'm inviting you to sushi right about now. The competition's going to start in about an hour when the Warblers come around from God knows where…"

Sebastian realised that William Schuester had a case of paranoia because he wanted to be there before anyone else. It had taken Sebastian four hours of Will's prep talks to realise this. Now, looking down at the food, Sebastian honestly didn't know if it was okay to eat anymore or not, just that his Father's words were still ringing in his head, that his Father wouldn't damn care if Sebastian was starved off by the end of the week_. It's just a drug, a chemical in his mind. Eat something_, but another part of him was screaming, no. _Don't. Die in his arms. He'll finally regret those words, Bastian. _Sebastian thought that one day couldn't hurt. He allowed Kurt to order some seafood, and Chinese rice.

Sebastian rolled his eyes at Kurt's choice of cuisine, mixing Japanese with Asian food. Kurt kept the platter of sushi in the middle and gave them all some fried rice. Sebastian had taken a piece, and eaten it, eyes lighting up with pleasure. "Oh," Sebastian blinked at the strange taste in his mouth that somehow appeased him.

Kurt laughed. "Have you ever tried sushi before?"

"My parents hate sushi," Sebastian finally answered, but then shook his head. "No wonder I'm not fat. I haven't had sushi before."

"Or what seems to be cake, or cookies, or biscuits or Lucky Charms or anything ever good. You look like you live on carrots and apples," Blaine frowned but Sebastian shot him a look of pure and utter disgust.

"I despise fruit and vegetables. I live on a diet of cheese like any other normal person." Sebastian tried to explain, smirking towards Kurt, feeling like his anxiety of seeing his Father was temporarily lifted if only for that singular moment as he took a piece of sushi and then nibbled on it. He was sure he was going to gain weight after this but he could care less somewhat, around Kurt and Blaine. They truly seemed like they cared, not like it was just a charade to put up with him and that meant the world to one Sebastian Smythe.

Getting back towards the stage after Sebastian was full and content, he realised that the New Directions were paranoid and frantic about the upcoming competition and now, Will was telling them to settle down. Sebastian finally sat down. Will began another pep talk and Sebastian looked seriously sick. "Enough!" Sebastian angrily exclaimed. "They're doing _Stand_ by Lenny Kravitz and _Glad You Came_ by the Wanted and dedicating it to Dave Karofsky at my personal request a few days ago, and if I knew any better, Nick Duval would be their lead soloist. This is not enough to frantically rush over."

Santana's eyes hardened and Sebastian knew why immediately. "You _knew_ what songs they were doing and now you tell us?"

"_I picked them_!" Sebastian ushered with a harsh voice. "Nicholas Duval has the voice of three angels, but he is neither a leader nor a proper attributer. These songs would fit well with his pitch but not enough to win them a competition, understood?" Sebastian had ended this statement with a multitude of coughs following afterwards. Blaine was trying not to fall asleep and Will sighed.

"I have two sick members—"

"So? We're not going to be lead, huh?" Sebastian snapped back, voice harsh and cold.

"They're supposed to be," and that was when Sebastian turned around to look at Kurt Hummel standing there, as he pinned a bright red ribbon to his uniform.

"Sebastian Smythe and Blaine Anderson should be vocals," Kurt repeated his earlier statement as Will Schuester stared at Kurt as if he'd started to undress himself in the middle of the room with no reason. The rest of the New Directions exploded into laughter but Kurt continued to glare at them and then stated. "LISTEN! They both have HIV. This might very well be their last solo. I don't know how long they're going to drag on. It can be for weeks, or months, or years, but I want to give them this one final solo. What's a freaking competition?"

"You decided to be all buddy buddy with Smythe and now you're giving the most stupidass suggestions—"Puck was cut off by Finn's voice.

"Dudes, I like looked up HIV and like…some people don't survive for long and look at them…I think…I think Kurt's right, you guys? This isn't what Glee's about. I think we should give them our shots right now. Plus, it's like Sebastian's Father out there and I don't think I want to sing a solo with that guy staring at me. It'll creep me out." Finn shuddered, causing a small chuckle to be emitted from Sebastian's lips. For some reason, _Kurt_ was nowhere to be found, making Sebastian seem a bit sceptical about his mental state right about now.

Will sighed. "I'm sorry but I have to agree with Kurt that—"

Rachel had suddenly cut Will off. "But I've always sung lead with Finn in these kinds of competitions! It's…you can't possibly think that they can pull it off? What if Sebastian goes into a coughing fit? What if Blaine does? What if they both do? We lose our chances of winning for no apparent reason at all!"

"But that's not us, is it? We're not just in it to win it." Will smiled towards Kurt whom was nodding his head silently. "Okay. So, what I want is for during our mash-up, Sebastian and Blaine to sing instead of Artie and Rachel, Finn still sings the chorus, and the rest of you backing them up like we said, and Puck and Santana can sing the rapping parts. If you want, Mercedes can swap for you, Rachel but…"

Mercedes nodded towards Rachel as Rachel exhaled. "No, if I can't have the lead, I might as well not have anything."

Will chose to ignore this comment as he added on. "The Troubletones will still sing their piece and then that's it. Any further questions?"

Sebastian found this perfect before he went into another coughing fit and then Kurt finally said. "Mr Schue, I…I really don't want to be out there. If you'd excuse me," Kurt finally said, eyes looking dull and Sebastian knew why immediately.

"Kurt, but our numbers are the bare minimum…we need you out there."

"Then give me a moment, okay?" Kurt just suddenly walked past them, grabbing the box of tissues that sat at the table and then disappeared outside.

Sebastian had it in him to follow the brunette. Blaine knew immediately that he should not follow Kurt as well, trusting Sebastian enough to handle it. That trust made Sebastian feel a bit stronger as he watched Kurt stand there, with the ribbon pressed up against his clothing and was sobbing softly, wiping away his tears. "Hummel, crying is so not elegant."

Kurt nodded numbly at him as Sebastian wiped away the tears trickling down his cheeks. "Fuck it, Hummel. Here."

"I can't go up there. I'll break down or something." Kurt laughed emptily. "I'm not _this_ weak. It's just that…eight years. All lies. Eight years. And he doesn't even want to tell me that she's killed herself and I don't know why."

Almost as if on instinct, _Kurt_ appeared and was staring up at Sebastian. _Kurt_ was rubbing his stomach and then blinking. _"She killed herself because she was pregnant again."_

Sebastian didn't know if he wanted to tell Kurt that yet so he waited for a moment, and optioned for slowly wrapping his arms around Kurt and holding him tightly. Kurt responded by hugging him just as efficiently and then the little _Kurt_ spoke again. _"She was pregnant again and it was a girl…and when she found it, she just offed herself because she didn't want to live a life full of lies anymore, because the baby was…not Burt's_."

Sebastian started to rub comforting circles around Kurt's back and Kurt took it, calming down efficiently as Kurt looked back up at him.

_Kurt_ continued to speak, almost as if his older, more real counterpart wasn't breaking into pieces_. "It's Joseph's. Joseph Anderson's."_

Sebastian was panting now, trying to inhale short, sharp breaths as Kurt looked back up at him, suddenly realising that Sebastian knew something else, something that he wasn't letting budge. One look into Kurt's eyes and Sebastian knew he wanted him to tell him. Sebastian bit his lower lip as he finally said those words. "She killed herself because she cheated. She didn't want to live with the lies anymore…because she was pregnant."

Kurt's eyes were dull. "Was it a girl?" his lips were slightly smiling weakly. "My Mom always wanted a girl." It was almost as if those words were phasing into his mind.

Sebastian nodded his head and then he said the next bit. "It was Joseph Anderson's," and Kurt looked back up at him, with big, huge shiny horrified eyes. Blaine's Father. Blaine's Father that was still alive right now in that disgustingly 'healthy' marriage but Kurt was supposed to know how important a Father was, but he can't let this go on, can he? Kurt's mind filled with cotton—

_"Performing next, the Dalton Academy Warblers!"_


	20. a scarf for words

_To I Love McPriceley, Kurt's in a strange place right now. xD. I honestly forgot what I wrote later on. I know this chapter's mostly from Blaine's POV._

_To Sarahamanda, yes! Here's an update._

_To PenMagic, small cliffie? Gosh. Then I don't know what you'd call some other cliffies. :] awe. It's no problem, sweetheart. I ship every guy with another guy. xD. I ship Niff. I ship Klaine. I ship Kurtbastian. I ship Seblaine. I ship Niff. I ship Trent with anyone. I ship the Warblers with anyone, with each other. And I ship Finn with everyone. I'm one of those creepy Winn fans actually. LOL. Thank you, sweetheart! Here's a chappie and an update and an email with a notification saying 'THIS IS THE REASON YOUR INBOX IS PLAGUED'._

_food update, because i'm Sam like that. i have proceeded to try and cook egg noodles for my soup with a microwave. i have become desperate for quick fix food. _

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><p>20 – a scarf for words<p>

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><p>Blaine Anderson didn't know how to feel anymore, as his mind reeled towards the stage in front of him.<p>

Nick Duval was standing in lead, black hair shining in the strobe light and his eyes were glittering at his big moment in the light right now. He'd forgotten how long had Nick been waiting for that moment, but he remembered that Nick was always chasing for that one moment in the spotlight. He revelled in his audience if just for a moment, and then he began the song. Blaine listened intently, but his eyes was more focused on Nick's face – his face that lit up so well that Blaine was almost sure that the judges will see how amazingly happy and devoted he was to the music. Blaine continued to stand and then Jeff's eyes met with Blaine's. Blaine waved towards Jeff, and this caused a wide smile to fall on Jeff's face, as the rest of the Warblers backed him up. They performed _Stand_ with just catchiness, but still with the right amount of emotion into play. The clapping was still ringing into Blaine's ears when Nick stood.

_"Please donate…"_

Blaine didn't hear much afterwards, eyes trying to scan the emotions on Nick's face, rushed, like he had just gotten a mound of sugar and he just wanted more, more and more. Blaine didn't realise he was grinning until later. He was holding a huge bouquet of pink, yellow, and red roses in his arms, and clutching them had become a tedious task. On top of that bouquet, there was a bouquet of pure purple flowers nestled. In the seat next to him, he had a big, fluffy scruffy teddy bear with a Dalton scarf, a Dalton scarf that Blaine didn't need anymore. Right at that moment, after fitting the costumes, most of them stayed in them, but not Blaine. Blaine had gone back to the audience, and was now wearing his Dalton uniform. It felt wrong on him right now with him staring back up at them.

Nick was singing _Glad You Came_, and it was a dazzling experience for Blaine, seeing him so happy. If one good thing spun about leaving, it would be that beautiful moment that Nick Duval's face lit up like a Christmas tree as he sang. Soon after the song had finished, the announcer had come on. Blaine watched the Golden Goblets descend on stage. After them, there would be two other choir groups, and then it would be the New Directions' turn, meaning he had about fifteen minutes – tops, before he had to run back towards the New Directions and wear his clothes again.

The Warbler dressing room never changed. Jeff's huge collection of truffles open for anyone to take from, along with many bottles of water with honey, which David insisted was good for vocal ranges. There were various magazines and Trent's notebook near them, as he tried to recreate designs from his heart. Just near that was Thad's baseball bat, which Thad insisted was to keep people outside. Nick was being hugged by each individualised Warbler and then Blaine walked towards him.

Nick's eyes widened as Blaine had tried to balance the huge scruffy teddy bear in one hand and the two bouquets in the other one. Blaine offered the bouquets first, which Nick took with zeal and then had given the teddy bear to Jeff, seeing Jeff's eyes burn with glee. Jeff recognised the Dalton scarf instantly and then stared back at Blaine with a frown on his face.

"But Blainey, this is _yours_!" Jeff said, tugging at the scarf that Blaine had stitched in by himself so that Jeff wouldn't be able to take off the scarf from the teddy bear.

Blaine just shrugged with a heavy heart. "We almost didn't recognise you with those glasses on!" Blaine had flustered. He'd worn his glasses. The toxo was making his headache overwhelming. He sometimes needed them just so the world would stop being so blurry. Kurt had called them cute. Blaine had nodded his head again, and then pulled his thick-framed glasses off, wiping them and setting them back on his face again. Jeff smiled widely and then hugged Blaine. This caused the whole band of Warblers to attack Blaine with a tight hug.

Blaine's eyes fell. He knew what was going on with his body, with his low CD4 count. Sure, all he had was toxo – he might not get a brain lesion or go blind, or anything, but his CD4 count was drastically low. If it got any lower, he was in risk for AIDS. He was in such a high risk for it that he could barely look at the Warblers right now without feeling that tight feeling in his throat. "I have to go soon." About five more minutes and then he had to be there with the New Directions so he can change in time. No doubt that Will was going shitlessly insane right now because Blaine _wasn't_ there.

Blaine's eyes filled. "Come on, Jeff. You gotta know by now. I'm not gonna…"

"Blaine! You've got HIV. So many people with HIV live for years and all! You don't have to act like you're dying. You—"

"I have a CD4 count of 250."

There was silence amongst the Warblers. They knew what that meant. Blaine sometimes hated his friends for being so goddamned smart right now, and that was when David's eyes met with Blaine's. Blaine shook his shoulder. "And I'm not responding to treatment as well," Blaine said. "It's only keeping my CD4 T-cell count at its current. Without it, I'm practically…a dead man."

"No, Blainey, you _can't_," Jeff called out, eyes filling with tears, as he looked at Blaine again. "You're like Harry Potter! You're our Blainey Potter and you…come on, Blaine. Don't cry. You're gonna make me cry too, okay?"

Blaine nodded his head slowly, but then looked away. "I've got to go." Blaine shrugged and then had bolted out of the room faster than ever before. He was pushing through different choir groups and he didn't care as they cursed under his breath _'damn Warbler!_' Blaine had almost forgotten he was wearing his Warbler uniform and now, realising it, he almost laughed, because he wasn't a Warbler, because no matter what, he can't go back right now. He had a show to do. He loved Kurt too much to leave. Stepping inside of the room, he was immediately met by Will's scowl. "_Blaine_."

"Fine! I'll get into my costume! Right now!" Blaine bolted for the dressing room before Will can say anything else, hurriedly wearing his clothes when Kurt was practically stuck doing his eyes for around thirty minutes. By the time Blaine was done, there was still five minutes to spare, but Will was giving him that look right then. Blaine took one look at the mirror and realised he was okay, costume still pressed, hair gelled back efficiently – but he was unhappy because Blaine was late.

"I had to say goodbye. They're my friends." Blaine simply stated.

"They're the _enemy_," Rachel said from where she stood, shutting her eyes so that Quinn can dab her eyelids with eye-shadow.

"They're my friends," Blaine growled again, repeating his statement. Sebastian was standing beside the guys, that were waiting for the girls – and Kurt – to finish off. Blaine had walked towards them, sitting down on the couch and then biting down his lower lip. The moment that the girls were done, they called their names. Blaine was so silent he was sure he can hold back the coughing fit.

"Wait!" Kurt had called out just a few moments ago and then pointed to the left side of his chest, where there was a big, bright red ribbon. Sebastian was wearing one too. Kurt pinned one towards Blaine's. The rest of the New Directions finally gave in, pulling the ribbons from their costume pockets and pinning them before exiting up in the crowd. Blaine's eyes first met with Nick's thumbs-up and David's glorious smile. Jeff was still hugging the shit out of his new teddy bear, eyes wide with exhilaration. Right now, there was no competition. It was just song. For some reason, the lack of pressure made Blaine sing every note perfectly, without one going into a coughing fit, and then after their _Fly/I Believe I Can Fly_ performance, Blaine and Sebastian had descended off stage, dissolving into coughing fits together.

"You piece of sick shit," Sebastian insulted, but was laughing. "How did he look?"

Blaine knew who he was immediately talking about – his Father. Blaine shook his head. "He was okay," his voice was low. "I didn't see much expression on him to be honest."

Sebastian nodded slowly, at least it was better than rejection and that was what Blaine knew too well. He looked back out in the stage, scanning for any sign of Joseph or Maria, but finding nothing. His family wasn't there. He was all alone. Rachel was standing there, with pain in her eyes. "I really wanted my solo," as she watched the Troubletones perform.

Blaine stood up, now looking back. His mind went to Kurt, to Kurt's breakdown just a few hours before. It felt like an eternity before, as Blaine had finally said. "Then sing. _Here's to Us_. It's not planned but hey, each of us have fifteen minutes to perform. They won't mind and it'll fit your vocal range. You'll do amazing," Blaine's mind was numb with thought, only thinking of Kurt right about now _doesn't that song fit you two perfectly right now?_, before he looked back at Rachel, whom was smiling back at him. She hugged him as tight as ever. Just as the Troubletones descended the stage, Rachel had walked in and Will was giving Blaine a pointed look, trying to ask what was going on.

Rachel had gone on stage and sung to her heart's content. It was slow but both the girls and the guys followed. Just at the end, Blaine grabbed onto Kurt's hand and then squeezed it tightly. "Here's to us," Blaine whispered in a low voice so that only Kurt can hear, then he realised that he was the one that had given Rachel the recommendation and it seemed to fit right now. Kurt felt his face flush as Blaine whispered. "I love you, Kurt."

Kurt stared out into the audience, and then the judges commenced to speak. It would be a few moments before they'd decide who'd win. Kurt's mind was numb, as he walked with Blaine back into the room. Rachel had immediately hugged Blaine and Blaine hugged back.

"No matter what happens," Rachel began. "You all have a wedding to attend to."

Blaine laughed and nodded his head. Sebastian was silent for now as they walked back on stage. The Golden Goblets would come in third. Blaine met Nick's eyes, whom was nodding, still holding his flowers in his arms as if they were a lifeline. Jeff was holding his bear, and Blaine knew either way, he'd take it as it was…Blaine's head filled with cotton when they announced New Directions to be first place. Whilst the New Directions hugged each other and laughed, Blaine turned to look at the band of Warblers, suddenly noting that they were all wearing thick, red HIV and AIDS awareness ribbons on their Dalton uniform. Blaine smiled as Nick moved and hugged him tightly. Jeff had taken off his own red-and-navy Dalton scarf and placed it around Blaine's neck. The band of Warblers hugging him with chorus of congratulations.

David stayed where he was, shooting Blaine an endearing look as the Warblers stopped suffocating him with love and that was when David moved closer, shaking Blaine's hand and nodding towards the fair victory.

In that moment, all was well.


	21. the church

_Warnings for extremely religious precaution here, atheism and etc. and to **PenMagic**, i'm glad you think so, sweetie. :) i love it! and Jeff is always so adorable. :D to **Sarahamanda**, here's your update, love! tired so sorry for feeling out of whack._

_Gosh. i'm starving but i can't sleep with a full stomach. best sleep then!_

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><p>21 – the church<p>

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><p>Sebastian Smythe was silent.<p>

He watched his Father stare back up at him. There was nothing more than silence. Jean Smythe had walked up towards the stage and Sebastian didn't know what to do, whether to fight, fly, or stay, but really, he couldn't do anything but stay. He felt as if his feet were nailed to the ground, because all he can do was see as Jean made his way towards the audience. There were hushed whispers of how Sebastian was clinically insane and this was the big confrontation. The New Directions had stopped cheering the minute the man had walked on stage, and there was nothing but a load of thick silence.

Sebastian stared back at this man, this man that had put him through so much – with the same chemicals, blood and disease in his system. "Sebastian," Jean had called out to him. It was only then that Will's first reflexes was to place his hands on Sebastian's shoulders. Sebastian hadn't expected the man's nice gesture as Jean looked back at him. He eyed Will for a few moments, and then picked up the microphone from the wooden podium.

_He can tell them everything… that you're a slut…that you come back home so late at night and throw up all of that alcohol. He can say everything and ruin you right now. Can you handle it?_

Sebastian knew he couldn't the moment the thought buzzed in his mind, as he thought of the worst nights of Scandals. Threesomes, sex with older men, so much alcohol in his system that he spilled corporate secrets without even realising it. Now, his stomach tightened. Jean would have all the drive, because Sebastian was the reason his empire was down right about now. "Twenty-five years ago," Jean's voice was thick, as he turned to face the audience before him. "Twenty-five years ago, Afesat created an empire."

Bruce's cold eyes were hard with hatred. Andrew was looking up at them with brilliant blue eyes and George's green mirrored Andrew's eyes for that moment. Jean swallowed thickly, and then continued. "It's a scientist's world out there. We made up the glass for their test tubes, their beakers, the Petri dishes…they ordered in huge sums and amounts. At that moment, my wife…_ex-wife_," and now, Jean was looking down. So his Mother did leave. His Mother would've left, "was pregnant with my daughter, Andrea Francesca Smythe. I was bankrupt, and penniless. I tried to salvage the last few pieces of money to support our daughter and it wasn't enough. At that point, Kinate was trying to flourish and sales for glass were too low and the price was even lower. So, Afesat offered the money if they were to let them do a few tests on my Mother.

"Of course, I didn't know what they meant at that time. Afesat specialised in trying to find cure against mental illness, specifically targeting causes of substance abuse on a person. They secured chemicals from amphetamines, cannabis, illegal drugs, more specifically cocaine at most and they injected this…dangerous chemical combination to my dear Mother. Nothing happened. Then slowly, ten years after Andrea was born, and whilst Nathalie was pregnant with Sebastian, my Mother started to show extreme schizophrenic-like symptoms. I traced it back to Afesat and they said they'll help me fix her. So they tried to and tested out different chemicals to try and fix it…on _me_."

There was a chorus of whispers amongst the audience. Jean allowed those hard brown eyes to scan the audience before he continued. "I kicked him out. Sebastian. It's _not_ a delusion, because I can't stand the thought of _my_ baby being _gay_. I'm as _homophobic_ as _any of you disgusting freaks _out there but at least I have the ability to tell anyone. I kicked him out. I have never regretted it, not even to this day. I _refuse_ to regret it. When I did kick him out, Afesat thought that it would be _okay_ for them to use Sebastian as a test subject. I don't know how but the boy gets drunk quite frequently. It's so _easy_ to drug him it's almost his fault for making himself vulnerable to the attackers. The drug is harder, and works faster and now; he's…experiencing a new set of side effects of a drug similar to mine."

Jean stared down at Andrew's face whom was nodded towards him.

Jean looked back at Sebastian and then placed his microphone down, not looking back at Sebastian's pale face, whom didn't believe that his Father had just confessed all of that on public air. He still couldn't believe his Father never regretted it. His mind was numbing with words. _He will regret it. He will regret it. He will regret it, Bas. He will_. _You'll just starve and die, and end up homeless and he will regret it!_ Sebastian's mind reeled with a thousand thoughts.

Jean took a look down at Sebastian like he was a parasite. This time, Will's eyes hardened and his grip tightened around Sebastian's shoulders. Sebastian looked away from his Father's gaze. That was it. That was just the end, because the media was paying attention to every little word Jean had said. They were all repeating themselves in his head, every singular confession, one moment after the other. Everyone knew. Sebastian's hands were clammy with sweat as the New Directions descended back into the rooms.

The first thing that Sebastian did was pull his hand up in the air, and look around each and every one of them, the Warblers suddenly walked in and before anyone can say anything, Sebastian spoke.

"Nobody. Says. Anything." Sebastian's voice demanded. _Kurt_ looked back up at him with those shining blue eyes as hot, fresh tears fell from his eyes. _Are you pathetic? Do you always cry? _

_"I'm you!" Kurt _exclaimed.

Then Sebastian's eyes met with Kurt's, not bearing to look at the hallucination anymore. "Fine. Tell them, Hummel. Tell all of them what we figured out."

Kurt finally sat down on the chair and explained. He watched as the New Directions listened intently, even Puck didn't say a word through it all. The Warblers' had no facial expression as Blaine used hand gestures and pointed towards the evidence, the drawings, and then Kurt telling them all about the hallucinations, lucidly explaining the trees and lilies, the fact that he'd drawn how Kurt had looked like younger in perfect detail and showing him said picture in comparison to the drawing that Sebastian had sketched. Kurt's face then fell as Blaine explained the last bit. "Sebastian drew another one…and Kurt realised that his Dad lied about how his Mom died, because…she tried to kill herself."

There was an air of silence around as Mercedes sat down beside Kurt and ran her hand through Kurt's arm. Kurt didn't respond to that. It was still silent a few moments afterwards. Sebastian refused to look at anyone, feeling like a Grade A freak right about then but Artie was staring quizzically at Blaine, along with Tina and Mike, whom seemed to be interested in Blaine's theory that Sebastian was tuning in on two different realities at the same time, then after a moment of pure and utter thought, Artie said. "I think we should tell those Afesat guys."

Kurt's eyes widened. "What? After all of the shit they made Sebastian's family go through?"

"Listen," Artie said. "I think if we all work together, we can actually go somewhere? They won't be able to screw up without the media pinpointing at them."

Kurt looked back at Sebastian. Sebastian was numb. All he can do was stare at what was going on around him before he slowly nodding his head after a period of thought, shutting his eyes. "They swore to fix this," Sebastian hissed. "This is the debt they must repay" were the only words that Sebastian can say and Kurt nodded his head, taking every one of them with honour.

Kurt called out George, Andrew and Bruce, and they walked inside. Bruce's eyes were still hard, but he was compliant. Andrew smiled at Sebastian and Sebastian looked down at his feet. George bit down his lower lip. Sebastian left, knowing that he didn't want to hear any of this again. _Kurt_ had finally looked at him. _"You really want to go for…that?" Kurt_ was definitely not liking the thoughts he was hearing from Sebastian's mind and Sebastian nodded his head.

"I am made to serve him," Sebastian's voice was soft as he walked towards his car. In moments, he'd seen a shadowy figure walk beside him and then Sebastian recognised Blaine Anderson. Blaine sat down beside Sebastian. Sebastian didn't know why. He looked down at the boy, whom was apparently now following Sebastian to wherever he thought to go to. Sebastian found himself driving anyway. "Rachel's wedding is in an hour or so, so we have to go to church soon…"

"That's where I'm going."

"Church?" Blaine was quizzically repeating as he looked at Sebastian's face whom nodded his head. "I never pegged you for the religious type."

Sebastian didn't respond to that, and then just drove. "You're judging me. That's God's doing." Sebastian reminded him and Blaine was flustering as deep as he could. Apparently, either Blaine wasn't as religiously driven or Blaine just didn't attain himself to a religion. He knew Kurt didn't because _Kurt_ was telling him that. _Kurt_ was telling him all about how if God was there, he wouldn't have let any of this happen at all.

_Shut up! He is testing us. You do not go against His doing._

Sebastian had driven on the way that Blaine recognised was towards the Hudson-Hummel household, but instead, had stopped at a huge church just before that, shutting the door afterwards. Blaine finally gave up and followed him on the inside. "Do you believe in…?" Sebastian stared around the huge church, trying to look for Preacher Gabriel and finding the man standing there, with those wide, big honey-coloured eyes staring back at him.

"God?" Blaine finally said. "Yes, I do but I'm not as…religiously driven. I'm Catholic."

Preacher Gabriel didn't seem to mind Blaine standing there, and telling him his own views. Gabriel had simply paused, staring at Sebastian's face. Since Sebastian had said anything, Gabriel didn't. "Do you want to pray?" Gabriel suddenly asked and Sebastian nodded, feeling his throat dry. Gabriel had gestured Sebastian to come stand beside him, as he pulled his hands up against each other, praying silently beside each other. Blaine didn't do anything, as he stared at them before Sebastian looked up at Blaine after the silent prayer was done with.

"I'm not religiously driven either. Listen, Blaine, I might not be the sweetest person on this planet, but I _do_ believe in a soul. I t believe in the existence of Purgatory like you do, Blaine. I believe in Heaven and Hell and sin and moral." Sebastian looked down at the Bible in front of him and then allowed his shoulders to hunch back. "I'm an avid Catholic Christian."

"Oh," Blaine took all of this new news with a raised eyebrow.

Preacher Gabriel then smiled. "What do you believe in?" the man's eyes glittered in church light and Blaine just shrugged for a moment before responding.

"I believe in love," Blaine didn't know how homophobic the preacher was and when Sebastian gave him the look that told him to relax, Blaine continued to speak. "I believe in honour and I believe in courage." He said that last bit with a wave of emotion in his voice that made Sebastian wonder what he just meant by that, but Blaine didn't seem to be emphasising on any of these words.

"We still have to go." Blaine finally said, pointing towards the watch.

"Thank you, Preacher," Sebastian said, shaking the man's hand and then stepped out with Blaine. Sebastian can tell that Blaine was still stunned as Sebastian continued to speak. "I think I deserve to burn in Hell." Blaine's eyes were wide at Sebastian's confession. He'd said it so seriously that Blaine's heart was thudding faster by the moment, even as Sebastian said nothing when he stepped inside of his car, shutting the door. Blaine followed him in and stared back at Sebastian.

"Bas, don't say that," Blaine urged him not to but there was a completely different emotion filling Sebastian's eyes.

"I sinned far too much for me to live."

"Sebastian, the Bible is wrong—"

Sebastian shot Blaine a look so cold that Blaine had shrunk. "In my eyes, the Bible is _not_ wrong. It is there to guide me through my life. Don't you dare say any of this, Blaine Anderson, not to me. I respect your views, but don't you say those words to me. _Don't you dare say those words to me_."

Blaine realised he'd hit a sore spot when he realised Sebastian was trying so hard not to cry. He honestly thought he was going to burn in Hell. He honestly thought that this would be the end for him. "There is _no_ salvation for me, Blaine. I believe in Purgatory .I believe that after death, your sins would be replenished and relieved before you go to Heaven but I've got too many sins. _I_ don't believe that I deserve to live…" Sebastian shook his head.

"Okay." Blaine said after a while. "Okay. Just calm down and we're gonna go right now to Rachel's wedding and everything will be fine…okay?"

Sebastian nodded his head. "Fine."

Blaine drove towards the church. At some point, Kurt would ask him where he was. He would respond: there in five minutes. Kurt would explain that Rachel was frantically hoping that Quinn would come by. He'd seen her in her uniform today and told her she looked good as a Cheerio, mostly because – well, when he looked at her, he knew the importance of a uniform. He clutched his wheel. His Dalton uniform still in the back trunk. He stopped for a moment to breathe and then watched a car that was Quinn's – wait, it _was_ Quinn's – he smiled at her. She was busy texting. And then he watched as the truck collided with her car, and that was when Blaine Anderson remembered – with Burt in the car beside him, his mind reeled with numb shock, and Sebastian knew the signs the minute he'd seen him. Blaine Anderson was having a panic attack.


	22. the Earth shatters

_And here be Sebangst, not that this thing isn't full of it, but even more so than usual! Yay?_

_to **PenMagic **as an explanation,"There is _no _salvation for me, Blaine. I believe in Purgatory. I believe that after death, your sins would be replenished and relieved before you go to Heaven but I've got too many sins. _I _don't believe that I deserve to live…" Sebastian shook his head. -from my understanding, Purgatory is a medium between Heaven and Hell. in most religions, when you've sinned but still 'qualify' (for lack of better words) for Heaven, you get your sins purged in purgatory by suffering in purgatory BUT then you get to go to Heaven. What Sebastian was saying that his sins will not be purged out in Purgatory. He'll just go straight to Hell after death. He said that Blaine won't, that Blaine did sin but his sins would be purged and he'll end up in Heaven. :)_

* * *

><p>22 – the Earth shatters<p>

* * *

><p>"Keep on breathing," Sebastian ushered but Blaine was looking ridiculously pale.<p>

"That's him," Blaine whispered, looking close to sickness. "The guy that ran me and Burt over. That's _him_, Sebastian. It's your Dad but I don't think it's a freaking accident this time because—"

Sebastian stepped out of the car and then made his way towards the car. He'd bumped into Jean's body and then looked at the man's cold, hard brown eyes, that were disappearing right now. Sebastian bit down his lower lip because he knew what was coming next. "Blaine, I need help."

Blaine was now behind him, raising an eyebrow. "Why?" his voice was soft before—

Sebastian caught Jean in his arms as the man had fainted. Sebastian blinked at Blaine and they shared a moment. "This could be me," Sebastian whispered. This felt so wrong – him holding his Father like this, being his support, being the only reason his face wasn't pounded into asphalt right now as Blaine and him caught a glance. "Go check on Quinn," Sebastian ordered, trying to keep his voice steady.

"_Yeah, because you really can keep yourself in one piece when your Father's dying in your arms," Kurt_ spat out darkly.

Sebastian wanted to kill the little hallucination and as the small brunette heard his thoughts, his eyes widened big and blue and tears burned down his face as he nodded his head and then disappeared off into another existence. Sebastian snarled. "Just. Fucking. Great!" he snapped, trying to continue supporting his Father whilst reaching for his phone and calling an ambulance.

_"Operator. 911. What is your emergency?"_

Sebastian realised he can't put everything into worlds. "Car accident. Badly injured. People are badly injured." He thought he was almost talking about himself as he continued to spit out addresses and directions, looking at the road number from signs and then elaborately explaining he was standing near the only OSB Ohio State Bank that was there in the whole state.

_"Okay. We will get someone to help you right now. Stay there."_

As the line went dead, Sebastian laughed. Where the hell did she think he was going to go?

_"Calm down, you crazy person!" Kurt_ was fisting that coiffed brown hair as he groaned, kicking a rock that didn't move. Of course. He was a hallucination. Solid objects he could not touch and if that wasn't prove of it, then Sebastian didn't know what was, except he was so freaking real and he was scaring Sebastian to bits right about now. "_Look. Just calm down. Take a few deep breaths. Calm the fuck down or else, you're gonna be in heaps of trouble if you go into a panic attack too!"_

Panic attack! Blaine!

Sebastian turned around to look at Blaine, whom was clutching the silver handle of the door, panting and trying to stay calm with seldom whimpers falling from his throat, clutching an unconscious Quinn in his hands, and supporting her by her stomach. "She's…she's really cold, Bas." Blaine was shaking. "She's really cold," his voice was softer now.

"Look, just calm the fuck down, okay?" Sebastian spat out the words as if he wasn't just waiting for reassurance two minutes ago, and he'd gotten it from a fragment of his mind, a load of his imagination – except Kurt said it wasn't, but he didn't believe that anymore. He almost felt truly insane, with that small boy staring back up at him. _Kurt_ was cupping that small pristine teacup that was cracked but glued together and that was when Sebastian had noticed that there was a huge white bandage on _Kurt's_ hands.

Sebastian didn't know what was going on. He was laughing._ Hurt yourself?_

_Kurt_ blinked and then tears burned into his eyes. "_You're really crazy, Bassie_."

Sebastian's mind was on a high, and he was full of adrenaline and numb with fear. He didn't know what was going on, just that a strong wave of nausea was hitting him and he didn't know if he can stand up any longer. His knees were trembling as he bit down his lower lip, tasting blood.

Sebastian stared up at the sky as he panted, letting one hand support his Father when the other one held Blaine's arm and tugged him so that they were two bodies beside each other.

Sebastian stared back up at the night sky and then whispered.

_"…and He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall no longer be any death; there shall no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away…" _

Sebastian hiccupped, staring at Quinn and Blaine whispered. "She was so happy about the wedding. She was…"

Sebastian hiccupped again and this time, tears filled his eyes as his voice softened even more. "_A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones…_"

Sebastian stared back up at the sky and then Blaine nodded. "I'll pray with you," he whispered. "I'll pray."

And so, they prayed beside each other in the cold night. Their phones would ring, and nobody would answer for the moment. Blaine tentatively glanced back at Sebastian as the sirens filled the road. "They're here," he whispered, but Sebastian didn't open his eyes.

"I know," he said, eyes still shut tightly before they opened up. "I'm ready."

* * *

><p>Sebastian was there, holding the pale Blaine tightly as his Father was taken to the ER. Sebastian was there when Quinn Fabray had five different wires in her arms and they were trying to stabilise her. Sebastian was there when his Mother ran in, all beautiful chocolate-brown hair curled up in a bun that was disappearing and the sick pallor that was to her skin as she flung herself towards Jean, practically breaking down. All the make-up washed away. Sebastian was there to see his Mother hurt again. Sebastian was empty. He could call Andrea, but something in him was making him stop.<p>

_"Do something," Kurt_ was begging him. "_Make them stop! All the voices in my head, make them stop_!"

Sebastian can hear them too but he just chose to ignore them. He felt like a hollow, empty shell with no reason for existence. Nathalie was holding onto Jean as if he was just going to die and disappear on her. Sebastian watched, because that was all he could do. If he opened his mouth, he didn't trust himself to not break down screaming and in tears and start holding on his Father.

"_He doesn't want you," Kurt_ snarled.

Sebastian shut his eyes.

_"I hate you," Kurt_ was eying Jean and now saying the words that Sebastian was trying not to say. _"I hate what you're doing to me. I hate what I have to do for you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you! WHY DID YOU EVEN HAVE ME? ALL I DO IS TAKE UP SPACE IN THIS MISERABLE EXISTENCE!"_

Sebastian didn't look at the small fragment of his imagination, voicing out and screaming out his thoughts whilst Sebastian remained hollow. Sebastian disappeared and walked to see Quinn from where he stood. The whole of New Directions were there.

"So, you're gonna just stand there or are you gonna step in? Because if you haven't noticed, Quinn just had a fucking car crash!" Puck snapped.

Finn was standing over Quinn and Rachel was looking guiltily down, and everyone was still in their wedding clothes. It made everything feel surreal. Sebastian snorted and then left, prompting Puck to angrily follow him as Sebastian stepped inside, staring at Jean whom was lying down there, hooked to an IV, barely responsive.

Puck's face hardened. "This your deadbeat Dad?"

Sebastian nodded his head and Puck's face softened. "Never gonna do anything wrong, huh?" Puck chuckled as he stared from where he stood. "Can fucking kill you and you'd still find a way to say that it isn't your fucking fault, that he freaking loves you."

"_He does love me!" Kurt_ called out from where he stood, hands balled into fists as tears cascaded down his eyes.

"He doesn't love you," Puck stared down at his feet, putting his hands in the pockets of his jacket. "Hurts like freaking Purgatory."

Sebastian thought that Blaine must've talked to him about that as Sebastian shook his head. "No," his voice was soft. "Hurts like fucking Hell."

"_He judges me,"_ Kurt's eyes are filled with tears. _"He judges me! I hate looking at him! I hate the way he looks at me like I'm…I'm a DISEASE."_

Sebastian finally broke. That word sent him into a spiral.

_"Might as well be a disease." _

"Yo, dude, just chill, okay?" Puck was calling out to him.

Sebastian felt as if his lungs were on fire and that he couldn't breathe, as if his mind was projecting him to another different world where death was very possible. He felt like he was cut off all sorts of air supply, his throat constricting, his mind racing and his throat filled with pain.

_"I can't believe I ever raised a whore like you."_

Sebastian shut his eyes and took a deep breath.

_Kurt_ looked back up at him. "_You slept with my Blainey_!" and now, it was definitely reverting back to Kurt's mindset instead of his. _Kurt_ did that sometimes and it freaked the fucking Hell out of Sebastian. _"He needs to be loved." Kurt _pouted_._

_"You disgust me." _

_"Ew, Sebastian! Ew, ew, ew!" Kurt_ said, jumping up and now, covering his hand with his mouth as if he was shocked just at how disgusting Sebastian was—

_"You're a disgrace."_

Sebastian had buried his hands into his jacket, looking away from his parents. His Mother was too busy to realise that Sebastian was practically falling apart right before her eyes.

_"What did I say about taking care of your little fucking problem?"_

Sebastian bit down his lower lip, the words that started the end, ringing into his ears. He can still see the images, Jean standing there, with the coffee spilling – the packet, three teaspoons of sugar, and one tablespoon of creamer – just how Jean liked it. He knew. He remembered.

_"He is nothing to me. He doesn't belong to my family any longer. I don't give a damn if he ends up starved and dead by the end of the week. And yes, I can do this to him."_

He can do anything he wanted to Sebastian. Jean knew it too. He hit buttons Sebastian didn't know existed in his mind. He made Sebastian feel sick, sick, _sick_ and so utterly disgusting all of the freaking time. Sebastian's mind was reeling and his heart was pounding, threatening to burst out of his chest and and and SPIRAL—

_"Wow, Sebastian, you royally fucked up this time. And one more thing, Sebastian, go fucking kill yourself. I'm through tolerating you. I'm through with pretending that you're not a lost cause."_

…

…

Crash.

* * *

><p><em>"Then I realised I was HIV positive…"<em>

Jean's voice continued to ring into Sebastian's head as he ran. He ran so far away from the room he was bumping through nurses and would've probably shoved a patient on a stretcher without giving a damn. He had walked into the nearest bathroom and then held his head in his hands.

_"So I _ran_."_

Sebastian tried to breathe as he took in an inhalation of oxygen and then shut his eyes, feeling tears burn on through, finally slipping from his eyes.

"_Bassie_," _Kurt_ whispered. "_Bassie, I'm hurt. I'm so hurt_."

Sebastian ignored the complaining hallucination. "Just shut up! Why don't you ever fucking shut up?" Kurt stared at him and more tears filled those big eyes as he just disappeared. "No, wait! Come back! Come back, you fucking bitch!"

Sebastian's hands grabbed onto his hair as he curled up, sobbing diligently. When Kurt disappeared, all those weeks of pure and utter pain escaped him.

_"The emptiness destroyed you, Bassie."_ _Kurt's_ voice hung in the air.

"Where are you?" Sebastian snapped, looking around for the small brunette. "Don't leave me! I fucking need you!"

"Sebastian? Puck told me, what the hell happened there—"the real, full-sized brunette Kurt was standing there and all that Sebastian can do was stare up at him, with those bloodshot eyes and tears still falling down his cheeks. Hot, as they burned into his skin. Kurt didn't know how to react. He paled and then Sebastian grabbed Kurt's arms, bringing him closer to him, holding him as tightly as possible, whispering just one word. "I need you," Kurt bit his lower lip at the vulnerability in Sebastian's voice, as he clung onto Kurt so tight that Kurt felt like his bones were going to break. "Don't leave me. I need you."


	23. depth connection

_to **PenMagic**, yeah. it's changed to fit with the plot of the story and the occurrences. and for Sebangst. always the Sebangst! awe. for some reason, in this fanfic, i go around a merry-go-round hurting Kurt, Blaine and Sebastian and thank you! yes. the hallucination Kurt has a lot of impact on the way that Sebastian sees Kurt. :) you shall see now ;o_

* * *

><p>23 – depth connection<p>

* * *

><p><em>….Sebastian Smythe was standing in a land of snow covering barren land.<em>

_He stepped and then felt the iciness. His breath turning into blue misty ice right before his eyes, and then he would be standing there._

_"Why are you doing this to yourself, brother?" that voice was familiar. Sebastian looked back only to stare at deep, mystified honey eyes from Preacher Gabriel's snow-white face. Sebastian found himself shuddering even more as he stared back at the Preacher whom was staring at Sebastian._

_Sebastian must've known what he was talking about. "I don't know why I do this to myself anymore, Preacher. Maybe it's a simple force of habit…"_

_"Is that fear in your eyes, brother?" Gabriel called out, staring at Sebastian's face as if he can read an expression that Sebastian couldn't. Sebastian looked down at the glacier he was standing on, finding a reflection of something that was crossed between a madman and a saint. _

_Sebastian nodded his head silently._

_"Would you like to be held then?" Gabriel offered and Sebastian spread his arms around, not caring if he was being vulnerable right now. The wind was icy. The sky was cold. The world was snapping and turning and all things jaded and painful. It was so cold. It was too cold to live. It was too cold and he was afraid. _

_Gabriel looked up at the sky. "Angels are holding you, brother. I don't think I need to."_

_Sebastian snorted._

_Gabriel offered him a small smile. "He is here."_

_…_

Sebastian snapped out of his reverie. He was silent, and was in Kurt's arms, still in the bathroom. A pool of wetness around them, cold and unhygienic yet Kurt still allowed Sebastian to nestle in his arms, as Sebastian pressed his head against Kurt's shoulder. He was nothing without that stupid hallucination, Sebastian grumbled to himself, and that was still just making the pain dull a bit, by him being a little less alone, with someone being able to pry in his head – even if it was just a fragment of his desolate imagination. In those moments, he truly hoped it was an actual little boy from a different world then, and then maybe he'd feel just a little less crazy.

"Hey," Kurt greeted him, running his fingers sweetly through Sebastian's chocolaty brown hair. "…you okay?" his voice was soft.

"Yeah, _amazing_," Sebastian rolled his eyes.

Kurt didn't say anything to that sarcastic answer, but hoped that the fact that Sebastian was snide was telling him that Sebastian will be fine.

"Kurt."

The fact that he called him by his first name alerted Kurt to extents that he didn't think he can understand as he stared at Sebastian's face. Tears burned down Sebastian's eyes. "I'm going _insane_." His voice was soft, almost as if he was just realising this.

"Bas, you're not going _insane_. Okay? Blaine has to be right. It makes sense! With everything… with how you know things about what happened with my Mom and Blaine and…Afesat's looking up at it. They think…" Kurt was looking down right now, looking hopeful. "…they can make us see what you see – just to know more about it and all. So, you don't have to feel so alone anymore?"

"I don't feel alone," Sebastian snapped, looking defensive and then his facial expression fell.

Sebastian stared at Kurt and then grabbed his wrist, bringing him close and then wrapping his arms around him in a tight embrace. "Fuck it, Hummel. I'm not just alone. I'm fucking empty. _I'm so fucking empty_."

Kurt pressed his head against Sebastian's shoulder.

"_He's_ not here anymore," Sebastian suddenly said. "_My Kurt_! My little friend isn't here anymore and I don't know. I just don't know!"

"You…want him?" Kurt was confused but Sebastian nodded his head.

"I don't have to _feel_ any of this when _he's_ here, fine?" Sebastian finally explained as Kurt nodded his head.

"_Kurt_!" Kurt felt weird calling out a hallucination. "Sebastian misses you and he wants to see you right now! Don't make me take your tiara collection!"

Sebastian chuckled, but saw the small boy approaching from nowhere and was standing there, staring up at Sebastian. Almost as if his blood was running on a fever high, the blood just went cold in his arteries and veins right now, as he stared at those big, blue eyes. Sebastian leaned down and then placed a hand towards _Kurt's_ cheek and the real Kurt shuddered.

"Your freaking hand is cold." Kurt mused.

_Kurt_ looked back up at him and then bit down his lower lip. "_I'm sorry I made you mad, Sebastian_," his voice was low_. "I'm sorry I had to leave,"_ he added on but Sebastian shook his head, laughing and then wrapping his arms around him in a small embrace for just one moment.

"Just don't go, okay?" Sebastian called out to the little child. "I need you."

_Kurt_ slowly nodded his head. "_Okay_," his voice was soft. "_You need me like you need Blaine_." He grimaced as he mentioned the curly-haired boy, and Sebastian smiled a very weak smile.

"Preacher Gabriel said that I was being held by angels and…" Sebastian looked up, meeting with the real Kurt's eyes. "And fuck, isn't that as true as Hell?"

Kurt leaned down and looked at the hallucination. Sebastian knew he couldn't see anything but he smiled regardless. Little _Kurt_ looked up at Kurt with soft eyes that glittered an icy blue, the kind of ice that reminded Sebastian of the snow, and dreams, except instead of the heaviness, he can feel the fluffiness and lightness of the snow. "He's staring at you," Sebastian was scripting everything. "He's smiling at you."

Sebastian chuckled, looking up at Kurt.

_"I look really pretty," Kurt_ said in awe, looking up at Kurt with astonishment.

"And he thinks you look pretty," Sebastian added on. Kurt had flustered by now, and was trying to see what Sebastian was seeing, but it didn't really work, as Sebastian was still the only one that can see _Kurt_ in his full essence.

Kur nodded his head as Sebastian stood up.

"Okay." His voice was soft. "I think I'm ready." Sebastian bit down his lower lip and Kurt nodded his head, as they moved, with one destination in mind.

* * *

><p>Sebastian Smythe slowly walked inside. The first thing his eyes caught was Quinn Fabray's face.<p>

She was now awake, staring back at him with those soft, still puzzled expression as Blaine bit down his lower lip, when he'd seen Sebastian. Blaine didn't ask him if he was okay, but he was definitely concerned. Sebastian silently was happy that Blaine didn't ask him else he would've punched someone in the face.

Puck stared at Sebastian and he nodded slowly towards him, as those green eyes hardened.

Sebastian brought his way towards Quinn and stared at her.

_"She can't walk," Kurt_ said in a matter-of-fact voice as Sebastian looked down at the small brunette. _"She can't walk anymore."_

Sebastian nodded his head slowly, and then turned to look at her to analyse her face. _How did you know that?_

_"My world,_" _Kurt_ responded as if it was the most obvious answer in the world, and then rolled his eyes at Sebastian, probably for the fact that the question made him seem idiotic. Sebastian ushered everyone and they stared at him before finally giving up.

Kurt and Blaine moved beside Sebastian. Sebastian took Blaine's hand in his own, and Quinn's. Catching on the habit, Kurt grabbed Blaine's habit and then his other one forcefully made Puck stand up. "What?"

"A prayer circle," Sebastian finally said. Puck seemed to roll his eyes at this, but grabbed onto Kurt's hand regardless. In moments too long, they will be in a circle and Sebastian would take a deep breath, shutting his eyes in silent prayer.

Kurt followed him even though his mind was raking for the smallest prayer that he can remember. Most of the others already had one in mind in fact, which made Kurt feel slightly self-conscious—

_Can you hear me?_

Kurt nearly jumped from his skin, but he tried to remain calm as he eased slowly, keeping his eyes shut. Blaine must've noticed Kurt's sudden tension because he was holding his hand even more tightly.

**_Who the hell are you?_**

_Look down, dummy_. Kurt slowly peered his eyes open, just enough to search the ground without breaking the prayer circle.

**_Where are you?_**

_You can't see me?_ Now, Kurt recognised that voice completely; the annoying high-pitched drawl that he should've recognised in the first place as he sighed in his mind. Sebastian's hallucination was trying to communicate with him and that made him very freaked.

**_Don't you normally talk to Sebastian?_** Kurt asked, hearing his own voice in his mind.

_Bassie's praying. I can't really disturb him, _and that statement made Kurt shudder. The prayer circle broke and Kurt suggested that he'd go get some coffee to clear his mind. After a wave of orders, Kurt Hummel had disappeared right there from the room, outside, swapping a conversation between him and a _hallucination_. Either he was going insane, or Blaine really was right and the other worldly hallucination had finally tried to communicate with him. Kurt obviously realised it was the latter right quickly, whereas Sebastian was still stuck in believing that he was going insane.

**_Kurt_**_,_ Kurt felt weird talking to himself but he continued on in the case at hand.

_I know what it means, the picture_, the other smaller voice responded. _The picture I made Bas draw of our Mom…how…how bad does it hurt?_

Kurt flinched at the question, turning at a corner and finding a quaint little place for coffee. His eyes completely had forgone the existence of the sandwiches and salads, and his eyes fixated on the menu for a while, as he called out order by order in an almost mechanical trance. He paid and carried them all in his hands. **_It hurts,_** Kurt finally decided to say. **_It hurts real fucking bad._**

_Oh,_ was the only thing the smaller voice can say. _Bas is hurt too._

**_I know,_** Kurt looked down at his feet for a moment then stopped trying to go back into the room. He stopped when he found Sebastian stoically standing in a room with his blonde-haired unconscious Father and his Mother whom was holding onto the man with extreme emotion in those big, green eyes that Kurt looked away. She was so vulnerable. He wondered. Had his Mother been this vulnerable? Had he been blind? Did he not understand…?

_We both really knew she was sad…we didn't know she'd hurt herself,_ the small voice chimed in and then added on. _We thought she loved us too much to hurt herself._

Kurt shut his eyes and then turned around to see the woman again, and Sebastian's eyes met with Kurt's.

"The blonde's awake." Sebastian mused. Kurt knew that Sebastian very well knew her name was Quinn but he didn't call people on a first name basis except for his family, and Blaine. He noted that he'd started calling Kurt by his first time as well sometimes. "You're going to go see her now?"

Kurt looked down at the orders off coffee and then walked off. Sebastian looked down at his unconscious Father. Of course, nobody would care about this man except for his insane family. Sebastian looked back up again when _Kurt_ had walked inside, _"Bassie, he can hear me!" Kurt _jumped up in glee as he walked towards the brunette. Sebastian raised his eyebrows at that statement but then watched the five-foot-eleven brunette walk inside, holding two cups of coffee and giving one to Sebastian.

"You're going to stay with me?" Sebastian asked.

Kurt slowly nodded his head as he took a sip from what Sebastian knew must be dietary crap. Sebastian took a sip of his own and they just stared at Jean for that moment.

"He's going to die." Sebastian said after a pause. Nathalie was trembling even harder right now. "Four months. Lymphoma."

Kurt practically jumped out of his seat as he nodded his head very slowly. Cancer. It was so definite, so sure, as if there was just no more hope. Kurt breathed in the air, and then Sebastian stood up. "I don't want to be here when he wakes up," was his only demand. Kurt nodded his head and then walked alongside of Sebastian. They didn't go to Quinn's room, even though they can hear cheerful clatter that they so desperately needed to get them off the edge, but at the same time, Kurt mused the fact that they just wanted silence.

Outside, it was cold, but it was a comforting kind of cold.

Sebastian leaned up against a fountain, and Kurt followed, staring back up at the sky as if there was something there before Kurt asked. "How bad does it hurt?" Kurt softly whispered.

"It hurts," Sebastian shut his eyes, before their eyes met together. "It hurts real fucking bad."

Kurt nodded his head silently. "I know," his voice was low.

The moon hung lifelessly in the sky. Everything seemed as if it was standing still in time. Kurt finally moved just a bit closer, grabbing Sebastian's hand in his own. Kurt rested his head against Sebastian's shoulder, staring off into an invisible space a thousand miles away in cold, dark reminiscence.


	24. a reflective mind

_That marks the end of 3x14 and the start of 3x15, "Big Brother." :) just saying this in case I spoil people. I freaking hate spoilers so…_

_to **PenMagic**, i think the whole 'don't make me take your tiara collection away' was kinda both sad and funny at the same time for some reason. :) hmm. and i stirred FEELINGS for Jean. because i don't know how i feel about him. and thank youuuuuuu. -hugs so bad you die- i lufffffff you like Sam (me) loves peanut butter. which is like a lot._

_to **Carbon65**, AWE. it's okay. OMG. YOURE SO AWESOME AND AMAZING AND I STILL CANT BELIEVE YOURE READING ANY OF THIS. ASDFGHJKL; OMG. that's what made me write the glasses thing because Darren is adorable with glasses. i look...kinda weird with my glasses. like a complete nerd, but i am a nerd. sfspfkdspfs and to answer your question about Gabriel, i don't know what the hell is he yet. he just pops in and out. i don't know why i mentioned him in the beginning but i felt the compulsion too. now, let's see where he goes. however, i didn't know that! that's so cool. actually, i'm neither Christian nor a Protestant. i'm Muslim :P. i come from an Arab country and all that jazz._

* * *

><p>24 - a reflective mind<p>

* * *

><p>Just as Kurt was about to leave, he was stopped by Sebastian whom was gripping on his arm. Kurt looked up at him as Sebastian whispered. "She won't be able to walk. <em>Kurt<em> told me that."

Kurt wondered when _Kurt_ had become italicised in his mind, but it was handling the confusion more easily. Kurt knew that Sebastian was talking about the hallucination because he won't talk to Kurt about '_Kurt_' unless he was the small boy that Kurt can now suspiciously hear in his head. Finn guiltily moved towards them, slumped sadly, and nodded. "Kurt, Quinn—"

"—can't walk," Kurt finished off and Finn was just about to ask something but nodded his head.

"Like – do you want to see her? I helped her in the wheelchair. Puck's so pissed he doesn't know whether or not to hit Bas' Dad or not 'cause…_we heard_," Finn stared at Sebastian right now whom was biting down his lower lip, and knew immediately that they knew that his Father only had four freaking months to live. Finn looked at Sebastian's face. "You know when your Dad sorta disowned you in front of us?"

Kurt's heart raced because he didn't know if those words would trigger anything. Kurt looked up at Sebastian, whom was simply glaring at Finn, causing him to sigh out in relief. "Finn, you don't tell that to people," Kurt had gestured to his older brother whose cheeks were now flushing.

"Yeah," Kurt heard Sebastian respond to Finn's question, voice a little icy. "What about my Father disowning me?" he added on the last bit with even more coldness and ice.

Finn seemed to ignore this, or hadn't realised that Sebastian's voice was colder than normal, because he nodded his head. "I wasn't like lying when I said that if you need anything then dude, we are totally _here_."

Kurt smiled at this. He knew Finn had his own heart of gold and wouldn't intentionally hurt anyone. If so, he seemed to underestimate or overestimate things than they were. Finn must've met with Kurt's smile because a beaming grin had finally found its way towards Finn's lips. Kurt followed Finn and Sebastian followed Kurt, into the room with Quinn. Kurt cringed at the sight of Quinn in that wheelchair. It was so unnatural, but he knew how it was like to feel like a freak so he plastered the most normal smile he could and Quinn can definitely see right through it.

"I suppose," Kurt's eyes were light with humour. "That now you're going to lecture everyone about _not_ using their phones when they're in the car."

Quinn appreciated this effort because her eyes twinkled. "Nice to see you, too, Kurt."

Kurt's eyes softened as he hugged her when she was in that wheelchair. It was so wrong, Quinn in that wheelchair…making his stomach flop and slosh acid. Kurt looked back at the blonde with soft eyes, and then turned to look at the rest of the New Directions. Kurt can tell Sebastian was at the door, not really entering the room, as if a mere observer of the events around him. Rachel's face was plastered with so much guilt that she couldn't allow this all to budge from her eyes. Quinn turned to Rachel and shook her head, assuring her. Rachel, on the other hand, looked dangerously close to tears and Kurt was right, because tears cascaded from her face as Rachel and Quinn hugged.

"I'm sorry!" Rachel called out, voice raw with pain. "I shouldn't have sent you that text. Otherwise, you won't be here."

The amount of emotion in her voice made Kurt's stomach churn even harder. He honestly thought he was going to be sick. But he stood, normally, trying to be the logical one in a room full of teenagers that didn't know what to do and Quinn's Mother – whom he still hated with every fibre of his being, and Mr Schue seemed too awkward around them, not quite knowing what to do. His Father suddenly stood up and held his hand up Kurt's shoulder. Kurt's stomach dropped. He did not want to see this man! Kurt's scowl returned as he turned away. Quinn shot an understanding look as Kurt disappeared from the room, feeling that sinking feeling of betrayal hit him again as Finn followed him outside.

"I don't want to talk to…"

Finn shook his head. "I'm gonna take you to Breadstix and you're gonna eat something really nice and fattening with Blaine and I and you're not gonna be sad anymore. Come on."

Finn urged him with those happy eyes, making Kurt laugh, even if it was empty. Almost as if on cue, Blaine walked towards them, not coughing quite as much, with a nod towards Kurt, and clutching the strap on the bag. Kurt looked back up towards the hospital and Sebastian was nodding, urging him to go as well. Kurt finally gave in, and the minute that Finn started to sing Journey, he didn't even realise the relief that Rachel didn't marry Finn, because he wasn't sure if he was ready to share his amazing brother anymore.

Finn nudged him and shot Blaine a measured look, and they both knew what that meant, as _Open Arms_ filled the Finn's faulty pick-up truck.

* * *

><p>Still thinking he was full from the ice-cream, cheesecake, pasta, bread and hot chocolate he had the previous night with Blaine and Finn, Kurt Hummel woke up, shuffling through his clothing and wearing something that he was sure won't show off his bloated stomach. How Finn ate like this all the time and didn't look like he was bursting from bloat was beyond Kurt's area of knowledge, but Kurt's strict diet meant no room for error without consequence. Kurt had gotten downstairs where Carole had fixed him a plate he wasn't sure he wanted to eat. Burt, whom usually sat down, had apparently left beforehand – Kurt knew it was probably because if he'd seen his Father in the morning, he'd skip out the door, and Burt must've not wanted to settle everything down in the morning.<p>

Kurt sighed at his Father's thought process but was slightly relieved for it, as he picked at his egg white and feta cheese sandwich, eying Finn whom was divulging into a bowl of Lucky Charms mercilessly. "Don't you ever get full?" Kurt mused, as Finn laughed.

"You're still full from last night?" Finn looked confused as Kurt nodded his head.

"But it was a lovely night," Kurt nonetheless appreciated Finn's effort to bond, and his statement caused the black-haired boy to grin so wide Kurt's heart melted. _If you have a crush on him again, Kurt_…Kurt thought to himself, but it was so hard not to love Finn for just being Finn. Kurt ushered Finn to finish up.

"But it's still like six thirty. Even if we leave the house like an hour later…"

"And who," Kurt was giving him that did-you-think-about-this look that he knew how to plaster on so well, "pray tell is going to pick up Blaine? Who lives at least fifteen minutes away, so we need at least thirty minutes to get to school and that's not counting the morning traffic on the weekdays."

Finn sighed, and started eating at an ungodly pace. By the time that Finn was finished with his food, Kurt had just taken a bite out of his sandwich. "Dude, I'm gonna drive whilst you eat. You're not gonna mess up your own car and I know where Blaine's house is."

Kurt sighed. "Finnegan," he shot him a measured look. "If you hurt my baby…"

Finn didn't need a full threat to know that when Kurt's eyes got wide and crazed then Finn should be very well afraid. Kurt had taken his messenger bag, and looped it around his shoulder, whilst Finn threw his backpack on the back of the car. Kurt followed him, his two sandwiches wrapped around many tissues. Finn smiled at him, taking Kurt's car keys from its standard place in the messenger bag and shut the door. Once they were securely in the car and Finn was driving, Kurt thought about Blaine. How long would it be until he wasn't able to go to school? Or Sebastian…

News of Jean's lymphoma had much sympathy for the man and much hatred towards Kinate. Kurt sighed. That man got whatever he wanted. He was ninety-nine percent sure that they wouldn't have injected Jean's blood in Blaine's body if it wasn't Jean…Jean, epitome of strength and power, a large name. The Doctors were probably scared shitless of him and did what they could when he offered up blood. Kurt suddenly felt a wave of fury. A name. A name and that was all it took for this society to fall down in corruption. _One mistake_ and it was going to cost them so much.

At school, Quinn approached Finn and Rachel whom were contemplating their marriage and if they really would've gone through it. Kurt snorted. The only reason he didn't say anything afterwards was because he knew that they weren't going to go through with it. He just wished that Finn can see that whilst Kurt didn't have any complaints about their relationship, he surely did if they wanted to get married. They were barely eighteen. Finn was seventeen actually. Kurt's birthday was towards the end of May, and Finn's was somewhere in December.

Kurt was looking at Finn right now and his mind wandered. Blaine's notions had left Kurt wondering a million different things – when Finn was thinking, what tap of his mind was he thinking of? In what context? Kurt had barely given these things a thought before but right now, he was. Kurt remembered that some people understood Calculus but weren't able to solve the simplest of problems – was that the same for Finn? He wanted to decipher what was in his mind, suddenly, as Finn's eyes intently stared at Quinn as she wheeled herself away. There wasn't any guilt in his eyes, nothing, almost as if he was too busy thinking to feel anything. How did Finn reflect on these situations? Kurt bit down his lower lip. As Artie and Quinn race off to the choir room, Kurt found himself walking alongside Finn and Rachel.

"Finn," Kurt began, wondering on how to approach this issue without sounding like he was probing into Finn's mind. "How are you handling the whole Quinn thing?"

Kurt was finding a moment of triumph in his choice of wording then Finn looked back at him as if he was trying to read Kurt. "Er…I guess I'm just not really worried about it."

Kurt raised an eyebrow. "Why not?"

"Well, there's no point in feeling guilty about it. Like…what happened did really happen and Quinn seems fine about it, so why dwell?" Kurt raised an eyebrow. He can realise that Finn was beating around the bush. He can see that Quinn was obviously not okay and that was written in the boy's eye, but why was Finn denying it? And how did he get so good at repressing his emotion? Kurt thought about this briefly when he was biting his lower lip. Finn had actually been taking everything as if it was just okay. That made Kurt think, even if just for a moment. "Finn, can you see Bas' hallucination?"

Finn shot a measuring look at Kurt's face but then shook his head and then stated. "He's not a hallucination."

Kurt's eyes flung open. "What?" he said, voice dangerously dark. "You can see the Kurt hallucination?"

Finn nodded his head. "Sure, he's like sitting beside you. That's why like I believed it when you said that Sebastian wasn't going insane or anything and that he was just looking at someone from another world."

Kurt bit down his lower lip. That meant that Finn had some part of his brain that wasn't active. The thinking process? Kurt wanted to snap at himself, or his shock centre. Finn was taking everything way too lightly, Quinn's accident, his and Rachel's wedding – in a slightly tired trance, but why was Finn able to see Kurt so well and not be anything like Sebastian? Thinking that he was going insane? _There. That's the smartness in Finn. He knows it's nothing to be afraid of because he's sure he's not going insane. It's all intuition. Finn knows that it's going to end up well so he doesn't worry about Quinn._

"Finn?"

"Yeah?" Finn looked back at Kurt again and Kurt felt something cold at the pitch of his stomach as Kurt finally asked him.

"After Glee," Kurt stopped by the choir room now, standing there and staring completely at Finn's face – nothing else. "...can you draw something for me?"


	25. a possible thought

_to **Carbon65**, sometimes i want to gain to 169 pounds just so i can say i weigh 169 and write that number. or date someone that is 169 and say 'yeah. my girlfriend weighs 169 pounds and is a sexy mofo'. strange. my ex-gf weighed 164 and i'm like 5 pounds too less. ASDFGHJKL; no. everyone is beautiful. you just have to know them to see how beautiful they are. ;o and i want to unlock your bonds like a decomposer. and don't wear a bib! wear a bowtie. and at one point, these compulsions will be the death of me. or a charri. i'm unsure yet. it's like this fanfic just writes itself - it does actually. kinda freaky. its like everytime i write a chapter. i drift off and write a certain sentence or metaphor and go like: SAM WHAT IS THAT but be like: no. i'll keep it. i wrote it for a subconscious reason. the thing with Finn seeing Kurt. hmm. it's weird to say the least. muwa! - kissy for you - and to **Guest**, there is deffo a pattern forming! tehe. ;o i'm glad you liked that! Gosh. i love it when people pinpoint what they like about a chapter. to **sadiejane35**, and here's more! ;o as well as to Sarahamanda. updated!_

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><p>25 – a possible thought<p>

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><p>Artie and Quinn were doing <em>I'm Still Standing,<em> and Blaine was darting a glance towards his boyfriend. His throat was on fire right now and he was trying very hard not to focus. He'd gotten out of school that morning to do a routine check-up and he was now on medication, a cocktail of drugs in his system just to stop this thing from spreading even harder. Now that the toxo was clearing up, Blaine was feeling almost ready to do so much more than just sit there for no reason at all. He wanted to get back into everything, but almost as if the world was condemning him – him being in an unclosed environment with a senseless amount of people with an immune system that was weak before the HIV meant that Blaine picked up something else already, which was quite peculiar since Sebastian was sustaining, but the reality of it all was hitting him. Not every HIV patient was the same.

Being attacked by MAC bacteria was a wake-up call for him. As they had made a blood culture to test for him, Blaine had an alarming number of stupid MAC bacteria living in him, and when he heard that it was the second time he had an opportunist infection (apparently, according to his Doctors, these infections were when a person was already sick, and invaded and these diseases had taken shelter when the body was already weak), which would explain why the bacteria he'd – according to his Doctor, must've _inhaled_ or _swallowed_ (not like he can stop either processes) something – had taken advantage of his body when it had the toxoplasmosis with a low CD4 T-helper cell count. Blaine was honestly sick of it. He'd had two opportunist infections in less than three weeks, less than four months of contracting HIV. His immune system and body were plummeting so quickly.

It felt like a normal fever. Both of them did. He was tired, and he had a running fever. He just didn't see how this could kill him but in the reality, it was something bigger. It can get to his lungs, or his bone marrow or his bloodstream and fuck that up as well, not that it wasn't already severely damaged. And unless Blaine started to cough up blood, his parents weren't too concerned. It wasn't that his parents didn't care, but Blaine honestly thought they didn't know the extent of the situation. They didn't know what the numbers meant like Blaine meant. He was well on his track to developing AIDS if his CD4 T-cell count got lower. All it needed was just 50 and he would be done for. His response to the HIV medication was poor from the start, and that was alerting his GP and specialist Doctor.

Blaine honestly just felt alone right about now. He couldn't imagine how freaked Sebastian would be if he knew the reality of the situation, that Blaine was sick again. He would just have to hide it again. He wouldn't complain of a stomach-ache like last time and get himself touched and checked out, and yelled at by Sebastian. He honestly didn't know what else they'd take away from him. His cat. Now, next, they'd tell him not to inhale. Or swallow. Blaine Anderson always thought that dying people looked like they were dying but Blaine didn't. _That's because you're not dying. Stop being paranoid. You'll get yourself even sicker! _

But Blaine can't help it. All of these signs. This negativity. The way his body was feeling. How hot his skin was. His non-existent appetite for food. The tiredness he felt like waking up and going to bed. It had never left him. With the MAC, it was just worse. He felt like there was no way that Blaine was able to get this out of the freaking way anymore. He was really dying. _Melodramatic much, Blaine_? He didn't know. He didn't feel like he was dying. He didn't look it, so he can't be, right?

Blaine tried to focus on the end of that performance, and Quinn's speech about the fact that nobody should feel sorry for her and that by Nationals, she will be out of a wheelchair and dancing with them even! Blaine swallowed thickly. _See? Stop being so freaking negative, B. _

But Blaine couldn't.

Now, Kurt was ushering him just after everyone was leaving and they sat with Finn. Finn smiled at Blaine, but Finn's smile left Blaine uncomfortable. He felt like he was wearing an _I'm so very sick_ sign over his head. He was genuinely surprised when nobody noticed Blaine's slouching and fatigue and was mixed between relief and contempt as Kurt told Finn to draw.

Finn's drawing came thirteen minutes later. It was crap.

Kurt sighed in relief. "Finn can see the hallucination," Kurt finally said to Blaine, which made Blaine raise his eyebrows.

_"How?"_

Apparently, that was the question that Kurt was trying to answer. Surely Finn wasn't injected as well? Kurt was explaining right then. "I think maybe one part of his brain is just unaware and seeing Kurt? I'm sure that it can explain…"

"…why I'm really slow?" Finn seemed to catch on quick though, ironically.

Kurt was taken back by this and then nodded. "I think you think differently than us and that's what makes you see him. To some extent."

Finn nodded his head, seeming to take this all smoothly, as if he'd already known it, but from those brown eyes, Kurt knew that he was just accepting this new information without much emotion – _after all_, Kurt's mind told him, _if he got into a fit, or if he screamed or if he did anything, then what did that change_? Kurt seemed to muse at this, and then stare back at Finn's face.

"Okay. Then let's go—"

Kurt was cut off by Finn's sudden response to something that Kurt wasn't even thinking of at that very moment. "Like, the universes – there are like a lot of them, right 'cause…from what Blaine and Artie told me, the world is like made up of clouds of electrons like strings and when they…" Finn seemed to be searching for a word.

"They collide and create different alternate worlds," Blaine decided to pull Finn out of his thinking. "And yes! You remember that?" Blaine's eyes glowed as Finn nodded his head slowly, grinning back at the geeky ravenette that was still beaming on about that.

Kurt slowly nodded his head. "Multiple universes," he said in a very soft voice.

"Yeah!" Finn nodded his head enthusiastically. "Yeah." He was apparently just glad for the simple event of Kurt understanding what he meant and not calling him insane for it.

Finn then went on. "Like…if you really think about it," Finn grabbed onto Kurt's bag, surprising him for a minute and alerting him in the next as Finn walked over towards the table and then threw the contents of the bag. Now, Blaine was completely confused. On the table, there was Kurt's iPhone, a few class notebooks and books, a _Catching Fire_ novel, a file and three dotted scarves that made Kurt blush. "What do you notice first?" Finn suddenly inquired.

"My scarves," Kurt called out, and this made him blush even more.

Finn grinned. "I like notice _Catching Fire_."

"Always knew you were a Hunger Games fan," Kurt rolled his eyes and then Blaine called out. "iPhone."

"See!" Finn clapped as if it was proving what he was thinking. "We notice like different stuff – so we should notice different universes, right? Like it all depends on you and…what you want to see I guess? 'Cause I just saw the Kurt kid, he's just there! He's not here right now though. He left with Bastian."

The nickname seemed to alert Blaine out of his thought process, apparently Finn was one of the very few that didn't mind Sebastian being there and even considered him as a friend. Blaine felt a torn of self-consciousness because Finn didn't accept him just as quick, but seemed to accept the criminal chipmunk just at the sight of him breaking down. _Stop it; you're in good waters with him now, right? _Blaine heard the voice in his head snap at his overthinking of things.

Kurt bit down his lower lip. "I can hear him. I think…I'm beginning to see what Finn and Sebastian see then."

Finn was blinking and then just warned him. "It's _not_ pretty."

Kurt wondered what that meant as Blaine hesitantly looked back from Kurt and Sebastian, wondering if it was just thinking that was preventing him from seeing this or disease and bacteria can play a part in this. Blaine had followed both of them to Kurt's Navigator, as Kurt thought to himself. Blaine can reflect now. Sebastian and Finn were becoming nearly devoid of emotion – can he handle his Kurt spinning out of control like that? What would that mean? Suddenly, a flash of fear filled Blaine's mind as he remembered exactly what it might entail and that made his stomach churn even harder.

The car ride was long, involving Kurt stopping for petrol and silently grumbling about the price of it, and then followed with Kurt taking them out to lunch. Blaine's sickness made everything seem unappealing and he was left eating a mound of soup and bread. The warmth at least seemed to make him feel any better but he didn't want more than half of it. If anyone noticed, nobody said anything. Blaine's last thought, just before Kurt had dropped him off home, was _if you reschedule the make-out sessions when your fever's down then, maybe you can hide this good enough…_

Blaine opened the doorway to his room and saw that there was his Father passing by off to work nonetheless so Blaine couldn't have gotten in his way. His Mother followed him afterwards, on her phone, saying something along the lines of "I'll be there right now, Clarisse".

Blaine waited until they left before he slammed his fists towards the table in pure and utter rage. He hated this. He somehow wished that he'd start throwing up blood for them to get that he was really just over and done with. It was a scary thought. All it seemed to be was a fever, some fatigue and a decreased appetite. There was nothing serious that was happening to him. He didn't faint once but his Doctor knew that Blaine's condition was critical. It was serious. How come he didn't look like he was dying? It killed him even more to think that, but God, it was true, true, _true_.

Blaine looked down at his feet, and then called out. "Lilly!" He flung in rage in the couch, waiting for the feline to obey his order.

He watched Madeline pass right through them. His maid. Blaine bit down his lower lip. "Maddie, where's Lilly?"

"They took her away, remember?" It took Blaine for a while to process this as he nodded his head slowly, snorting and chuckling sadly to himself. Blaine Anderson was at home right now! Of course! His mind drifted off to thinking. He staggered himself towards his kitchen, and found nothing in the fridge for him, as his Mother didn't even think of making lunch for him. _Would you have eaten it? The smell of most foods make you freaking nauseous half the time! _Blaine just pushed the voice way, and in the back of Kurt's mind, remembered his lover telling him that warm milk was delicious.

Upstairs, Blaine was with the large red mug, gripping it by its handle. It was short, and wide, and Blaine was slowly sipping. It tasted like bacteria for some reason, or if it was his mind conjuring up that _feeling_, that taste. Madeline passed by, asking him if he wanted anything. Blaine shook his head and pressed his head back towards the pillow, placing the mostly full cup on the dresser. Of course. Blaine Anderson's house…time to be alone for the rest of the freaking day.

"Master Blaine!" Madeline shot him out of his reverie, holding her cell-phone in his hand. "Your brother wants to speak with you."

Blaine took the phone from her hand, and then pressed it to his ear, hearing his brother's senseless drawl. His mind drifted until the last bit. "_Hey, baby brother! I'm coming to Lima this week! Tomorrow, tonight, three days from now—who the fuck cares? Stock up on those delish bagels, kay, babe?"_ and that was when Blaine lost it.


	26. reality of the situation

_to **PenMagic**, yes~ Finn is an oddball though. you'll see what i mean in the upcoming chapters. not an oddball, a bit of...well, i won't accidentally say something that might give it away but Finn has...something._

_THIS SEBLANGST._

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><p>26 – reality of the situation<p>

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><p>Not that Kurt Hummel wasn't totally <em>in love<em> with having his ass kicked to the curb with Sue Sylvester, but this was going too far. Kurt was still slightly nervous. Today was a Friday, hence a Friday dinner – if he skipped it, he wouldn't be fair to Carole. If he stayed there and got into a screaming fit with his Father, then it wouldn't be fair to them either. Sue was now in charge of their booty camp, and had so far criticised Brittany and Santana, Rachel's dancing (which Kurt completely agreed with), and Puck's own. And she just exploded when she saw Mercedes texting and that petrified Kurt, not wanting to do anything or stand in a certain way or breathe in a certain way.

She was staring at him and his eyes were trying to keep hard as she berated every one of them. He can barely do anything, much less dance, not with her beady eyes psycho-analysing every single step. It was _petrifying_. Blaine seemed to be out of it, as Kurt had noticed. He didn't seem to be noticing that the Devil's apprentice was cracking down the rules as hard as possible.

Kurt decided that Blaine was having an off day. He'd dropped him off at home and Blaine was staring at the doorway of his house as if he was nearly scaring of walking in, alerting Kur at Blaine's suspicious behaviourism. Blaine seemed to be becoming a senseless drone that was just tired. Blaine was just exhausted all of the time, and was declining Kurt's kisses and hugs. Even a simple embrace from Finn, Blaine had declined, wondering what was in the ravenette's head, to not want to be _touched_.

Blaine's sleeping habits were out of control as he was barely sleeping and had been compensating for it during class time and Glee and it was petrifying to see those bloodshot eyes. His eating habits were non-existent, with a few pieces of toast Kurt had seen him eat here and then. At the rate that Blaine was losing weight, he was going to look scary thin by the end of the year.

Passing by Blaine at the hallway, he stopped in his tracks and then bit down his lower lip. "What's wrong, Blaine?"

Blaine seemed taken back by the question but smiled softly. "My brother's back and he's in town," he said, in a thick, brusque voice, suggesting that nothing worse could've happened in his life.

Kurt was now speculating for reasons why Blaine wouldn't tell him – _aren't you the one that pushed him away when you learned the truth about Mother Dearest? It hurts, so give him a free pass for being weird and not telling you! At least he isn't opening up to Sebastian like _you_ did! Of all people—_and then a man of pure perfection walked and broke Kurt out of his thought.

Kurt recognised the man from the National commercial immediately, and then promptly fangirled. "I have the jingle as my ringtone!" Kurt excitedly blocked out the rest of the world, grinning up at the man with the dazzling amazing blue eyes. _Oh my Prada. _

"You're like…the best looking guy in North America," and now, Kurt was practically melting puddles at his feet.

Sue Sylvester passed by and told him to sign her breast, making Kurt rather disturbed. But her description of Cooper being a good actor and a Disney prince couldn't be even more right. As the trio left, Sue interrupted them again. God! Can't she see that he was in the presence of fame? For some reason, this gave Kurt some sort of exhilaration. It was almost as if Cooper wasn't human and he might as well be. His teeth were shining like his eyes, and he was just so perfect that Kurt could not think. He finally glanced at Blaine, whom seemed to be displeased, but why? This was beyond Kurt's thinking process at the moment.

* * *

><p>The Glee club seemed to also be ecstatic as Cooper's mere existence, much less him breathing the same air in the same space as him. The thought still baffled Kurt to know end. It gave him something to be incredibly excited about, and then his eye met with Sebastian's whom was completely and utterly not amused and looked like he actually…hated Cooper. This made Kurt think for a moment, why would Sebastian hate Cooper? Unless Blaine talked to him and gave him a reason to. Kurt suddenly felt out of Blaine and Sebastian's circle and closer to the New Directions' hysteria and delight at Cooper's presence.<p>

It was just that _Cooper_ was here…_the Cooper_…and Kurt could not process it. Someone famous. Someone known. Someone that wasn't a Lima loser was here at Sue's order right now. "This is Porcelain's older brother—"

"—actually, he's mine—"Blaine corrected her, but this seemed to be forgone and forgotten.

"I suppose I'm doing you a bit of a favour," she was eying them like a seal eyed fish right then, hungry for the power that she was getting, "by letting you see someone who did what you all lazy scums want to do. And I hope, that with the presence of this male Adonis, you understand what it will take to win." She simply finished off her mini speech like that.

"I think Cooper and Blaine should do a song together," Rachel had suggested.

Kurt didn't miss the look of complete and utter distaste. Cooper raved on about his and Blaine's Duran Duran legacy and Blaine was being completely opposing to the idea, protesting in the kindest and sweetest way possible, but then had eventually given up and stood up. Kurt wondered why as he watched the performance with amazed eyes. Blaine and Cooper were perfect, completely in sync and enough to make Kurt swoon.

Blaine completely went back to being stoic and not-able-to-bother mode, which made Kurt wonder right then what really was wrong with his curly-haired boyfriend.

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><p>The Breadstix breakfast menu sucked.<p>

Blaine was now playing with his plate that was stull full of eggs. He brought his cardigan just a bit closer to him, unsnapping and snapping back the button just to have something to do and be rid of this God awful tension. Blaine was drinking his cup of black coffee, and that was just it. His food did not appeal to him, and Cooper's raving on didn't help him. Joseph and Maria finally made it and Blaine hated his parents all the more for noticing his successful brother, for loving him more. What did Blaine get? "Let's fix up a car so we can straighten you up!" disgust. He was disgusting and revolting and this was why they didn't want him, because as far as they thought, the HIV was probably because their tiny little son was fucking people – even when the Doctors said not.

He had nothing to show the dying process except for a fever and some lost weight. It was a blessing and a curse. Cooper suddenly launched in and started to critique his dancing. Blaine's head was full of lead by then. The rage filling his blood as quick as possible. "Why do you always have to put me down?" Blaine suddenly snapped, earning a shocked Cooper and his appalled parents at Blaine's agitation over the Cooper that _just wanted to help_.

"Look, bud, I'm sorry," Cooper said all of a sudden, shocking Blaine. "I'm doing this for you, okay? To get closer to you."

_Fuck you._ Blaine wanted to say but kept his lips shut tightly, pursed.

"How have you been doing, Cooper then, sweetie?" his Mother, Maria Anderson, asked, and her eyes twinkled. Blaine prodded at his eggs, and then pulled them away after a bite of them. Joseph sent him a look that was close to: _eat this. I paid for this!_ and Blaine glared at his own Father, emitting a more furious expression to fill Joseph's eyes. Blaine finally gave in and pulled the plate back towards him, he can almost hear Kurt complain about the egg yolk being there because it was all that Blaine was thinking about, like he needed all that fat and cholesterol in his body. He'd specifically asked for egg whites.

"Good, just got a bug here and there, been doing real good though."

"Oh, Coop, you should be more careful." Maria pursued her lips together. "Are you still sick? Do you need us to go back home and lie in bed?"

An uncontrollable rage seemed in Blaine's blood. He said he had a bug! _What – what – why is he more special than me? Is it because he was born first? Why the fuck do you hate me?_ Blaine was torn between being in pain and generally hating the world as he looked to and from his parents. Kurt was calling him. Blaine declined the call without a second thought. Kurt was still texting him: _Afesat called. They think they developed a prototype so we can see what Bas sees…er…I just wanted to let you know. Okay? Stay safe, sweetheart. _Blaine was nodding towards the phone as if Kurt was there and then turned to his parents whom were still crooning over Cooper.

His GP was calling him. Wait. _Why_?

Blaine answered the phone and then raised an eyebrow. "Hi," her voice was low. "I just got the results back from the blood test we did a few days ago to check your CD4 count and…" Blaine can just feel the bad news right about now. It was enough to alert his GP and call him.

"It's about 45. MAC infection is very risky with CD4 count below 50. About your CD4 count…your specialist wants to change your medication for the MAC bacteria since…he thinks that he wants something more potent because your CD4 count is ridiculously low. We tried to call your parents but they're not picking up. Blaine, are you taking the HAART pills?"

CD4 count below 200. Opportunist disease. That just spelled out AIDS in Blaine's head and it was scaring him. Blaine bit down his lower lip.

"They aren't doing _anything_, are they?" he finally said.

Blaine must've been speaking in a painful to hear voice because Cooper was staring at him with a sudden spasm of confusion. Blaine clutched the phone just a bit tighter.

"It takes time, Blaine. It's not a magic pill. I can take months. It happens…just…schedule an appointment with your specialist and we can find something for you."

"Do I have even have any months?" Blaine's voice was low.

"It's undetermined for now. Many people pull through a MAC infection, with lower CD4 counts than you. It's just uncertain right now. Just schedule an appointment then. A life expectancy of an average AIDS patient—"_don't say that word!_ "—with MAC bacteria in their system is about four months but _you_ probably will be able to pull through. Not every patient is just the average AIDS patient, okay? Besides, we're putting you on a good antiviral and anti-MAC treatment so you will see better results at least. I can promise you that."

She sounded so sure of herself that Blaine was almost reassured. Except he wasn't. The data said something completely different and it was staring straight at him.

"For now, just try to keep a lot of iron in your diet. Anaemia makes it riskier." Blaine heard this, but it all seemed to be so unreal that Blaine couldn't be bothered. He shut his phone afterwards, and then called his specialist quickly for an appointment. He realised that his brother was staring at him and he'd caught his attention of his parents. After scheduling an appointment for three days from now, which Blaine was glad about, his CD4 count was now worrying him. The thought of Sebastian hearing about that was making Blaine's stomach queasy.

"What the fuck was that about?" Cooper suddenly sounded out.

Blaine shrugged, but tried to hold back tears right now. That simple word _AIDS_ was scary to think of. Blaine bit down his lower lip and looked away. People lived with HIV for years, but how long would Blaine be able to go on? A year, two? …three months? Two? Would he live to see Kurt's Broadway performance? _Stop thinking you're going to die! Your GP wouldn't have sounded so reassured, right? _But of course, she would try to reassure him, try to sugar-coat it. She was his GP for the Anderson family for too long not to, and those specialists that the Anderson's just got under their finger. Blaine was ninety percent sure if he called her in the middle of the night, she'd answer him and assure him.

It was AIDS. Not HIV. _AIDS_!

Blaine was afraid to move just in case he passed out. It was petrifying. "Blaine," Cooper's voice was strong.

"He has HIV, and thinks it's the end of the world," Maria rolled her eyes.

Blaine felt sick, as he pushed his plate away, wanting to do nothing but curl up into a ball right about now.

"Stop being so gloomy," Joseph ran his hand through Blaine's hair in a pseudo-affectionate manner. "Boys his age are all so bright and happy and colourful and then there's Blaine, being all in his depressed little world—and eat your eggs, Blaine."

Blaine shook his head. "I'm not hungry."

"Why?" Cooper suddenly shot up. "Think you can starve yourself, Blaine? Oh, I've seen this with some chicks at the set. Think they can get all tiny and precious…"

"_What_?" Blaine was petrified by now, eyes wide. "You think I'm starving but I _refuse_ to eat?" Blaine was appalled at the thought. He honestly found the food nauseating right about now, bland. His appetite so supressed he didn't want to look at food, much less eat it and Cooper was suggesting that he was doing this for vanity?

"Don't think I didn't notice that you've shifted more than just a couple a pounds, kay?"

Blaine shook his head. "Coop, do you eat when you're sick?"

"Yeah. Actually, more than usual."

Blaine rolled his eyes at this statement and Cooper was eying him again. "Eat your freaking eggs." Blaine finally gave up and ate the rest of his eggs, but the salt and butter and the fact that it was whole egg made him feel like filth. It was doing nothing to his head except making him feel like shit. Blaine stood up, ready to leave completely when he saw Sebastian standing there. He didn't grab onto Sebastian's hand, just looked at him with a look that clearly said _Save me_.

Sebastian laughed. "Fine." His eyes were twinkling. "Come on then. Mr and Mrs Anderson, Blaine really needs help with a French project."

McKinley didn't have French, but not like his parents knew that. Blaine nodded and they both left. Sebastian slid into his car and Blaine followed after a moment. They didn't move. Blaine finally broke down, tears burning down those big, brown eyes and Sebastian stared back at him. "Blaine?" his voice was low, confused and his eyebrows furrowed in a way that was like 'if-someone-hit-you-I'll-kill-them', almost as if preparing for any type of anger.

Blaine shook his head. "I'm sick again."

"What the fuck?" Sebastian's voice rang through Blaine's ears, splitting his head with the sudden headache that was plaguing him.

Blaine slowly nodded his head. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"_Blaine_," Sebastian was shooting Blaine an exceptionally measured look. "What are you sick with?"

"MAC bacteria," Blaine's voice was soft. Sebastian must've understood that, because his eyes were huge and crazed. "Sebastian, I'm scary."

_"What the fuck is your CD4 count?"_ Sebastian was demanding. Sebastian was acting like the person that Blaine needed the most right now, someone that cared.

Blaine was shaking right now. "…Forty-five."

"_Forty_…_five_…" Sebastian glared coldly.

Blaine slowly nodded his head. What Blaine wasn't expecting was Sebastian's arms to suddenly wrap around him as tightly as ever, flinching when he was in contact with the feverish skin. "I'm gonna give you some…some MAC prevention meds after this, okay?" Blaine whispered, as Sebastian's hand ran through Blaine's hair.

"Shut the fuck up, Blaine. I'm gonna freaking lose you."

And that was Blaine Anderson knew his fears weren't a conjuration of his mind and then finally cried his eyes out until it hurt to feel.


	27. in the rain

_to **karmakameleon16**, if you're a sucker for fluff, you'll hate me by now. xD. to **PenMagic**, well, there'll be more cute heartbreaking scenes in the near future. you can hate whoever you want to hate. :o and Coop is so confusing, eh? ;) yay! for warming up to Bas! :D and yeah. :c I loved Rory. I just can't. ssdfsfsf yes. Exactly. Gosh. I come from an Arab country though and it's really rare to see a foreigner so I'm like...0_0. TEARS. I love tears. :o and yes! I love Blaine a lot as well. Which is why there is so much Blangst. :D __to **Carbon65 **(squee! Whenever I see a review from you, I can cry), LOLOL. Well, I think the question of character death is unavoidable. Hey. And yes. I LURVE torturing characters. I LURVE the angst. :o AND HIS PARENTS DONT LOVE HIM BECAUSE I WROTE SO. :o Finn will deffo come back as something. Well, I can't say what but he'll come back. ;o YES! That's my line there. "He's kinda smart in his own way sort of Finn" Finn! I feel so bad because in my other fanfics, Finn is always practically dead or dying by the end of the things, even if he's definitely not the main character since he's the reason I started writing Glee fanfics. To write Finn angst. Now, he's more of a side charri that I throw in here and there to somehow benefit the plot. xD. BOWTIE. YES. And Gosh. xD. my room is messy, but then I have maids, so it doesn't stay that way for long. -squee-_

_Confession? This thing is about 45-ish chapters. I know exactly how it's going to end and there is a certain heaviness in my chest that I managed to write nearly 20-something chapters in I don't know how many days. Well. 44 and an epilogue but that really doesn't matter :P. I know. SAM WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO SAY IN ANOTHER 18 CHAPTERS_

_Very short chapter, but I believe that keeping this one singular part here makes the whole thing a bit more powerful than it would be if it was coupled with something else…last note at end because I don't want to spoil what's in the thing._

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><p>27 – in the rain<p>

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><p>In four months, Sebastian Jean-Blanc Smythe was going to lose his father, Jean Francois Smythe. In four fucking months, Sebastian Jean-Blanc Smythe was going to lose the only person he had ever loved, Blaine Everett Anderson. In four months, Sebastian would want to throw himself off a cliff because there would be nothing to live for anymore.<p>

Blaine begged him not to tell. Blaine gave him Zithromax to prevent Sebastian from getting the MAC bacteria in his system. Blaine was so fucking cautious with him that it almost made Sebastian feel like he deserved to live. But he didn't. God, the cold harsh truth was that he didn't deserve any of this. Jean might've deserved death, some might say, but what about Blaine Anderson?

So Sebastian clung.

_Blainey is dying, Kurt. Blainey's dying._

Sebastian knew that _Kurt_ didn't like Blaine, but he felt compelled to say it. Sebastian actually wondered why _Kurt_ didn't like Blaine—he definitely wasn't projecting Sebastian's emotions, because Sebastian would do anything for Blaine. He can remember that look on his face, the same cardigan and clothing he was wearing right now, shaking that soft hand for the first time, getting coffee and that beautiful laugh…just the way the words had rolled out of his mouth made Sebastian's heart thud. Blaine was untouchable beauty and all he can do was admire right now, admire whilst his angel was in Kurt's arms.

_Kurt_ was staring at Sebastian right now, silent. Because if he spoke, it'll break that moment between Blaine and Sebastian right now. Sebastian pulled back and thoughtlessly kissed every spot on Blaine's face, cupping his cheeks, and then staring at him, almost weak, almost liquid. The urge to press his lips against Blaine's was so strong, but he couldn't. Because Blaine was with Kurt. Because Blaine was sick and the minute that he did, he'd get it. Blaine gave him the pills, telling him to take a dosage. He didn't mention the senseless kissing as they held each other. The pain was too much. And Sebastian knew Blaine's thought process – _who cares if Sebastian kissed me? I'm gonna die. Who cares if he does anything to me? I'm gonna die._

Blaine and Sebastian stared at each other, as tears filled Blaine's eyes. "I love you too, Bas." Blaine shook his head. "I'm just not in love with you…"

Sebastian's hands hit the nearest surface, which happened to be the car seat in front of him. "_Why_!" he suddenly wailed, as he looked back at Blaine, whose eyes filled with new fresh tears. It took a moment for Sebastian to realise that he himself had new, hot tears running down his eyes. "I love you, Blaine. I fucking am _in love _with you. You're the only person I don't care if I cry in front of. The only one that I actually address with their first name. The only one I'd ever reach out to, okay? Okay, Blaine? That's how much you mean to me. _You_ _can't die_. You _can't_ die. Why don't you fucking love me?"

"I do," Blaine's voice was soft. "Sebastian, you're—"

"—like the brother you never had?" Sebastian's voice was empty, as Blaine choked a sob, pressing his head against Sebastian's shoulder. They were both just crying messes right now, screaming and wailing and hurting. Sebastian was screaming out the thoughts that he'd kept hidden for so long, resurfacing. Why the hell did it matter? It wasn't Blaine was sticking around for tactical strategies into swooning him to get into Sebastian's arms. Blaine nodded his head towards him at that, and just that simple acknowledgement, allowed a thick sob to escape his lips, until he was a whimpering convoluted mess.

"I love you."

"Sebastian, please…"

"I want to kiss you now," Sebastian was moving towards Blaine, but Blaine pushed him away.

"No," Blaine's voice was low. "Bas, I'm gonna get you sick—"

Sebastian suddenly erupted into laughter. For some reason, when Blaine said it like that, it was disgustingly hilarious. "Don't you get it, you idiot?" Blaine was shaking now and Sebastian was trying hard not to tremble himself with the wake of the sudden jolting emotions. This was too much to feel, and that was considering the fact that _Kurt_ was there, staring. _Kurt_, whom was supposed to take away every single emotion from his body, but Blaine, was different. Blaine can _see_. He didn't have to hide from Blaine. "I'd die too, you know. If you died, I might as well be dead."

"Promise me, Sebastian. You won't do anything stupid if I die. _Promise me_!" Blaine suddenly said, voice full of horror.

_Don't kill yourself, you idiot. Don't you fucking throw yourself off anywhere—_Sebastian deciphered. Blaine couldn't even say the words. "I fucking can't, Blaine!" What Sebastian couldn't believe was when Blaine's hand met with Sebastian's cheek, slapping him as the soft sobs were louder, more uncontrollable by the second.

"Don't you dare fucking say that," Blaine suddenly breathed out, taking short and sharp inhales.

Sebastian cupped his cheek, suddenly registering the sting, the hit. Blaine was looking at him and Sebastian placed a soft kiss to Blaine's neck, cupping his cheek. They stared at each other for that moment, Sebastian's eyes searching for himself in Blaine's big, brown ones. The sobs quieted, until it shifted to nothing but silence. The silence was worse somehow.

"What would I do without you?" Sebastian's voice was soft, as if not to disturb the silence.

Blaine chuckled sadly. "Everything."

"Whose gonna dress up like my dead grandfather then?" Sebastian emitted a soft, sad chuckle as well, and Blaine smiled back weakly. Sebastian stared for a moment and then unbuttoned his jacket, throwing it on top of Blaine. Sebastian ushered Blaine to the front seat with him, and he just drove. The destination in his mind was foggy. He kept on looking to and from Blaine, almost as if Blaine really was just going to disappear on him.

Then, almost as if the mood wasn't fucking set, it would start raining.

Blaine would lean forward, and that weak smile would widen. Sebastian would raise his eyebrow. "What are you so happy about?"

Blaine smiled. "I like it when it rains."

"Oh, don't tell me you're the type to want someone to just dance with you and kiss you in the rain."

Blaine's eyes twinkled at the thought. "I am."

Sebastian raised his eyebrow, but then stopped in the middle of the empty road. He walked outside, and Blaine raised his eyebrow at this. Sebastian opened Blaine's car door, kneeling before him on one knee. "May I have this dance?"

"Sebastian, you have HIV. You're gonna get sick—"

"_Shh_." Sebastian placed a finger towards Blaine's lip. "If I have pneumonia again, or the MAC, I don't care, Blaine. _You_ are fucking worth it."

Blaine flustered as Sebastian grabbed his hand, plopping his other one on Blaine's shoulder. Blaine blushed. "I'm gonna get sick."

"You are sick. Stop it, Blaine."

Blaine laughed at this, pressing his head against Sebastian's shoulder, and they danced with a very slow body movement. Sebastian can hear Blaine sobbing just a few moments after, and can feel the hot tears soaking his fabric. Sebastian pressed his head up against Blaine's hair, smelling just the scent of rain and _Blaine_…it was just the sweetest smell in the world.

Blaine looked up at him with those trembling lips and Sebastian leaned down. Blaine's eyes flashed with fear but he let Sebastian lean down and kiss him right then. Sebastian's kiss was soft, and Blaine's response was very soft. "I'll take the meds," Sebastian tried to calm Blaine down. "Blaine."

Sebastian opened up the backseat, and threw Blaine back in. It was raining too hard for anyone else to be outside. They would be alone. Sebastian shut the door, his eyes on Blaine for a while. Sebastian's lips were pressing up against Blaine's neck, savouring his taste…

That was be the first, and only time Sebastian Smythe would ever understand what it meant to make love.

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><p><em>That you see there. Is Seblangst.<em>

_I have no idea where the HELL that came from. In my fit of keeping everything cannon, somehow Seblaine just formed out of nowhere. I've never, ever once in my whole life written Seblaine, but I suppose it's a cute ship. My OTP is Kurtbastian though, which makes all this Seblaine so weird and…I guess life's unexpected and this was definitely unexpected. Sebastian and Blaine can totally just think for themselves. It's weird and nice that this is just one of those fanfics where "I don't have a say in what the characters do, I write what I think they'll do right in that moment and am shocked from it by myself". Do I make any sense? Come on, compulsions. I'm sure I ninety percent do. Or seventy. Or ten. Or five. NONETHELESS. I love you like...wait for it, Sebastian loves Blaine. Or like how Nick loves bananas. Or how I love peanut butter (fucking amazing piece of vegetarian protein shit). ALSO, BECAUSE I'M SUCH A GEEK – I MUST ANNOUNCE THAT I MADE PASTA TODAY AND I DIDN'T POISON THE PEOPLE THAT ATE IT. Gosh, I love feeding people. So they can get fatter than I am. I like load the stuff up with so much butter and cheese and sometimes meat (just so I won't eat it). Gosh. Anyway, pasta ranting aside…feedback?_

_xo Peanut Butter_


	28. oxygen

_to **PenMagic**, i wasn't expecting to write that either. wow! the fact that you found it so real was amazing and almost contradictory. :'D i don't think i explained why italics Kurt didn't like Blaine. i think i somewhat implied something later on about why he doesn't. ;D and yay! yummy. pasta and brownies. Gosh. oh! away! Have fun though xo __to **Carbon65**, YHEY FOR FOOD. and oh, oh, oh, aren't they? LOL. i think all Blaine is worried about is not making Bas sick since i'm trying to remind myself. they have HIV. they can catch infections like this. and Bas is like COMEONBLAINETHERESRAIN. and i'm like: yes. let's write sad dramatic heartbreaking love._

_Mentions of/descriptions of self-injury that should be noted. _

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><p>28 – oxygen<p>

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><p>The next morning, as Sebastian Smythe awoke, he realised one of two things – that Blaine's fever was a bit down which made him force a few pills down Blaine's throat the minute he woke up, and that if he went home right now, Andrea would give him shit. Actually, Sebastian's been 'missing' for a few days now. He can't bother to go home. He'd just been driving around senseless. Upon confessing this to Blaine, the ravenette's eyes widened and told him to go back home at least. Sebastian can't bring himself to. This was so much easier, sleeping whenever he pleased in his car, with nobody around, just driving himself to school and wearing whatever was in the trunk or his backpack. Andrea was calling him too frequently though and all Sebastian wanted to be was alone for now. He just didn't want to be around people, nobody but for Blaine and <em>Kurt<em>. Maybe even the real Kurt. Just nobody else. He'd rather push everyone away.

Blaine wouldn't take his pills until Sebastian took his prevention pills. Sebastian glared at him before finally ingesting the pills, causing Blaine to follow. They stayed in the car for what felt like hours as Sebastian drove them to school. Kurt had met up with them quickly and Sebastian can see the guilt on Blaine's face, but through it all, Sebastian was searching for that one strip of regret. It didn't exist.

Blaine would ruin his relationship with Kurt right now, and tell him, but he didn't regret that one single night that should've been a mistake.

"_He really loves you, Bassie,"_ _Kurt_ was whispering. _"Not enough to be in love with, but it's enough. It's always been enough."_

Sebastian bit down his lower lip. Enough to go through all of this crap together. _I thought you didn't like him_.

_"I don't. But he makes you really happy." Kurt_ finally stated, making the smallest of smiles appear on Sebastian's lips as he looked back at Blaine. Suddenly, they were being pulled into the library by the New Directions. Sebastian's first instinct was to grab Blaine before anyone else did and realise he had a raging fever. They were talking about where to go for Ditch Day. Kurt and Blaine's eyes meet and they knew exactly where they were going to go. Artie and Quinn were having their own Ditch Day and the rest were going to Six Flags, but they were going to go to Afesat to get this thing sorted.

Blaine then confessed. "Kurt," his voice was very soft. "Sebastian and I…some things happened last night."

Kurt's eyes were full of inquiry. "What?" he hissed.

"We weren't drunk this time," Blaine shut his eyes. Sebastian didn't know why the hell he had to be all noble and shit and tell Kurt, but he was anyway. "I just… needed someone, so I went to him. I don't know. We…I'm sorry, Kurt so I'm gonna break us up now, _not_ because I'm madly in love with Sebastian, but because it's unfair to _you_. You're amazing, Kurt. You're amazing and I don't want to hurt you any longer."

_"He doesn't want Kurt to be really sad when he dies if they were together and…" Kurt_ was explaining to Sebastian, making the reality hit even harder for Blaine. It was time for Blaine to act selfless.

Kurt's eyes were full of rage, as he stared at Sebastian.

"_No_," he suddenly said. "I figured that answer out. _No_, Sebastian, you are _not_ my friend, and neither are you, Blaine. The only reason I'm going then to the whole Afesat thing is because I owe it to…the hallucination then. Because he uncovered a lie. _And a bunch of other ones_—"Kurt was now eying them so sharply that he might as well be piercing a dagger through their skin.

"Kurt, I'm in love with you," Blaine suddenly stopped, biting down his lower lip. "That's why I can't lie to you. It's why I had to tell you. It's why I'm leaving you because I care about you. Don't…don't take this out on Sebastian. Take it out on _me_."

"Of course I'm gonna take it out on Sebastian too! _Sex needs two people_! Two _guilty_ parties!"

This made the New Directions look back at the two people nestled there. Sebastian was glad the librarian had gone off for a coffee break, leaving them alone for at least another ten minutes with the woman having to go down and make herself a cup of coffee, probably chat and come back upstairs.

"What?" Finn hissed darkly. "Like…you hurt Kurt? _Both of you_? You…had _sex_?" Finn was stunned.

"This time, _you aren't drunk_. This time I can't _deny_ it. This time I can't live in freaking _denial_! _I hate you! I hate the both of you_! I just can't believe that…after everything, you…_slept with each other_." Kurt was stammering, his voice rising and in whimpers. Finn moved towards Kurt now, running his fingers through his brown hair.

"Like, please leave. Everyone. I'm sorry, guys. I'm just gonna take Kurt back home."

Sebastian felt something thick at the pitch of his stomach. _This is all you've ever wanted, why the hell are you so guilty? You wanted them to break up. You wanted to sleep with Blaine. You wanted Kurt to feel that kind of pain you feel every night when you're lying in bed, thinking of Blaine and knowing you can't fucking have him! _But Hummel had to fuck this all up. Hummel had to go on and be his friend and make him feel this guilty. He had to be there when he was disowned.

"I hate you," Kurt whispered softly as he moved past Sebastian and Blaine. Sebastian felt like Kurt was blaming Blaine more than him, as if Sebastian had swayed Blaine and he had. Sebastian looked back at Blaine, and then tried to hold Blaine's cheek, in his desperate attempts to comfort him, but Blaine was unresponsive.

"Sebastian, please, leave." Blaine's voice was low and Sebastian nodded, respecting Blaine's outmost wishes and then disappeared back inside. His classes were oh so tedious. His Calculus classes flew by and time stopped in his Biology class as he learned about freaking Beta cells and the liver or pancreas or something like that. His English classes were a mound of _Go read The Great Gatsby and work on your sheets_ and by the time that he got to the part with Jay and Daisy and talking about the letters, Sebastian nearly broke his pencil apart in fury. And how the fuck was he supposed to know what the light on the dock symbolised? It was just fucking light! Sebastian sighed. He can probably answer everything if he was thinking straight.

His lunch period was exhaustingly lonely and he was eating way too much hummus and vegetables. And yoghurt. And lasagne. What was the point of doing anything but stuff himself for joy anyway?

The end of the day was spun on when Cooper was giving his master class. He was teaching them the oh-so-apparent joys of acting and Blaine was rolling his eyes in disbelief. Protesting at every statement. They were doing a scene from NCIS now, and Blaine was getting very agitated, to the point of now spinning out of control and yelling adamantly at Cooper.

"That's not how you do it! _Point. Your. Finger_."

Blaine went insane, and turned around, so he wouldn't punch him in the face. Sebastian's eyes stared at his lover. His distressed lover. Whilst Blaine can never be his, it didn't mean that he wasn't Blaine's. Only moments later, Cooper had followed Blaine outside, whom was as furious as Hell. Sebastian had gone after him to make sure he was okay—

Blaine turned around and then started to sing Fighter. Sebastian was almost in love with him all over again, as his curly-haired sweetheart continued to bolt out lyrics with so much strength that Sebastian's heart was melting all over again.

"So thanks for making me a fighter…made me learn a little bit faster, made my skin a little bit thicker, makes me that much smarter, so thanks for making me a fighter!" Blaine bolted out the last lyrics and now was struggling for breath.

"_Respiration problems is really normal in people with AIDS and MAC bacteria," Kurt_ tried to explain whilst Sebastian lunged towards his lover. Cooper was petrified, but then bolted out laughing.

"Good one, Blaine! That one…you really got me with your acting skills with that one…" Cooper's face was very comical.

Sebastian shot him a look full of rage. "Oh, you fucking idiot! He's actually rasping for fucking breath! Fucking do something!"

It took Cooper a while to understand the urgency in Sebastian's voice because Blaine was whimpering. His little brother wouldn't whimper. Cooper laid down beside him and then touched Blaine's skin, his furiously hot skin as Sebastian was looking up at Cooper. "Fucking call 911!" Sebastian was trying to get Blaine to continue on breathing and take deep breaths, but Blaine was disappearing on him, not coming to his senses – Blaine's eyes shut tightly after a while, his breathing getting more short and laboured.

"You idiot," Sebastian spat out. "You idiot."

Blaine whimpered to that. "I…I don't…d-d-don't…regret…us…Bas. I…"

"Hush." Sebastian tried to cajole him, running his hand through his cheek. "_Shhh_…" Blaine's whimpering and sudden hiccupping came to a stop, calming him down but Sebastian was sure that Blaine had just blacked out from underneath him. Sebastian cursed everyone and everything as he picked up Blaine from his arms, whom lay motionless and unconscious. Sebastian stared up at Cooper. "Fucking awesome dramatic scene, huh?" Sebastian spat out coldly.

Cooper shut his eyes. "Just…we're gonna get him. The ambulance will be here soon. Let's get out of here then. Fucking Hell."

Sebastian nodded and stepped outside. It took the ambulance exactly nine minutes and thirty-nine seconds to arrive before Sebastian had to place Blaine in the stretcher. Cooper had offered to drive along with him, texting Mr Schue and telling him that he had some sort of Hollywood emergency and had to bolt for that lesson and that Blaine was being prissy.

"You can tell that he didn't want to tell anyone," Sebastian said, inspecting Cooper's message.

"Yeah." Cooper's voice was thick. "Dammit, if he wanted to let the world know, he would've said something. He _should've_ said something."

Sebastian didn't say anything to that. He had successfully dodged Jean, Andrea and his Mother, though he doubted Andy would go on long before phoning his Mother and telling him that 'Sebastian was missing' and they'd go into a screaming fit. The car ride with Cooper was very silent. He didn't even try to drown out the uneasy tension between them. At the hospital, it was worse in the waiting area. Just for them to try and get Blaine's breathing under control. If Blaine had to have airway pressure just because he couldn't breathe by himself, Sebastian was going to have it.

Sebastian walked in and when he saw Blaine, he just threw himself over at him and cried into his shoulder. He didn't fucking care anymore. It was just Blaine and him for God's sake right now. He pressed his hand against Blaine's cheek.

"Oh God. What is _this_ doing to you?"

Blaine was under that airway pressure just as Sebastian had suspected, but his eyes weren't even open. His heart rate was very low, and his blood pressure was also low, but he was slowly regaining colour in his cheeks. Somehow. Cooper seemed to suddenly realise just how bad it was. "Shit," Cooper muttered. "Fucking shit."

_"He's gonna be okay," Kurt_ tried to assure Sebastian. _"He's your friend."_

Sebastian nodded towards _Kurt_ right now, even though he bit his lip at the 'he's your friend' part and then _Kurt_ brightened up immediately. "_We can make drawings for Blainey! He likes them!" Kurt_ tried to explain to him. "_Remember? When you made that tree without any branches and the lilies and it made Blainey really happy_?"

Sebastian slowly nodded.

_"Come on, Bas. Let's draw."_

For some reason, Sebastian was completely uninspired for a drawing right now. _"Or have coffee! Coffee is good!" Kurt_ called out, trying to brighten up Sebastian's day. It had a very small effect right now but Sebastian smiled weakly anyway and had walked to get coffee at _Kurt's_ words. He looked back at Cooper and took an order. Cooper would sit down and then grab Blaine's hand tightly.

The minute Sebastian had ordered that coffee, he had bumped into another boy.

"I'm _so_ sorry!" the short boy called out – he must've been shorter than Blaine – for some reason, even the act of their bodies bumping, thick guilt burned into the young boy's eyes. "I'm really sorry." He was sniffing right now. Sebastian knew that kind of reaction. He'd probably be blamed so much that right now, this pushed him over the edge because he couldn't be _that_ frail.

Sebastian was staring at the mass of blonde hair as he explained.

"I'm sorry. I just got out from the mental ward and I'm really tired and sick and I'm really sorry," the boy was explaining, his eyes dazzling sweetly. "Dr Devon thought that I'm okay enough to interact with other people and she thinks that it's a really good experiment for me right now."

"Oh? So you're discharged soon? What are you here for?"

The boy looked confused for a moment then pulled up the sleeve of his shirt, and showed Sebastian the criss-cross multitude of scars. Sebastian raised his eyebrows, but then the boy grinned. "But I'm okay now! I'm very okay right now!" he was suddenly perky all of a sudden. "You know you have like the greenest eyes I've ever seen..."

"Sebastian Smythe," Sebastian introduced himself, grabbing the smaller boy's hand.

The smaller boy perked up immediately, eyes dazzling with sheer delight. "Chandler Kiehl."

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><p><em>xo Peanut ButterSam_


	29. deeper waters

_to Carbon65, it was exceptionally painful to write some of the later chapters as well. Gosh, anything nearing the end was heart-wrenching. Cooper is a bastard, but he has somewhat of good intentions. xD. beta cells. that's the only thing i can now remember off IB Bio HL. i thought of doing a mini Nickbastian fanfic for you where Nick explains them to Sebastian so you can have a mini-heart attack considering in my head cannon, Nick is a Bio nerd. :'D and Jeff's in love with him and Nick is all '...yeah. okay.' i actually have this comedy/romance/drama Niffbastian thing where the only reason Nick had a solo is because he slept with Sebastian. AND I FANGIRL THAT YOURE STILL READING THIS ASDFGHJKL;. _

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><p>29 – deeper waters<p>

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><p>Sebastian Smythe sat by Chandler Kiehl as they sipped coffee. Chandler apparently was in recovery from severe cutting and was getting very better at it. Last time, he was kept in a room with a blade, after he was given a very fake letter from his Mother that she didn't want him anymore, and he didn't reach for the blade in all of the twenty-four hours he was locked in the room. Sebastian raised an eyebrow. "That sounds extreme."<p>

Chandler nodded his head very slowly. "But…I cut a lot when I'm upset, or I guess I used to so they had to put it up to test, right? That was the only way that Dr Devon would agree to let me go out when she didn't believe I'd be okay enough."

"Oh," Sebastian said, staring at him.

"I have had fourteen suicide attempts."

Sebastian shut his eyes – oh, so that was why they were treating him with caution. Chandler looked very ashamed at admitting this. His arms were still marred with the silvery cuts and all that Sebastian can do was stare at how horrible they looked like to him. They made him cringe that someone can ever want to hurt himself so bad, abuse their bodies so bad, but at the same time, his mind was torn between thinking it was disgusting and revolting and it was beautiful and genius.

_You promised Blaine._

That was the only thing restraining the other thoughts right now. _Blaine_. Chandler was shifting to another bit of his chair, and Sebastian can see that the boy had many of them spelling out words. At the sight of _Disgusting, Worthless, Short, _and _Gay Freak_, Sebastian blinked. "You're gay?"

Chandler blushed when he caught sight of the cuts. "Y-yeah." His voice was wobbly right now. "I'm gay."

That must've taken a lot of freaking courage to admit. "Oh." Sebastian was staring at the boy's arms right now. It made him want to wonder about this Chandler. _Kurt_ seemed to like Chandler, even go as far as stare at him and make sweet comments.

_"Bassie, people like that shouldn't be so hurt_…" _Kurt's_ eyes were now on Chandler's arms, something that Sebastian was trying very hard not to look at. _"He's really nice, Bassie. I can tell, you know? He looks as lost as we are…"_

Sebastian shot up all thoughts of Chandler, and thanked him for joining him in for coffee. That would not be the last time that Sebastian Smythe would be staring into Chandler Kiehl's face.

* * *

><p>The Afesat laboratories were grand, and they were making Sebastian cringe with disgust. It smelled like rubbing alcohol and cuts, fresh ones. All Sebastian knew was that he was neither fond of the smell or the feelings that were encompassing him. Sebastian laid on a chair beside a few chemicals. Suddenly, George's eyes twinkled towards him and he picked up a vial from the table, turning to Andrew and Bruce.<p>

"Hey, Andrew!" George's eyes were full of exhilaration right now, almost as if he was sure this device was going to work.

Sebastian and Kurt were the only ones there. Kurt had mumbled something about Blaine being a coward and not showing up, making Sebastian want to slap Kurt, this feeling he hadn't had for a very long time, not to Kurt at least. Andrew walked towards them, and was holding a metal band in his hand. The metal band had a very thick, huge circle in the middle of it, that was a clear colour. It looked like an oversized pearl, just made out of glass. Andrew placed one on Kurt's head. "Okay."

Andrew pulled out his remote. "Just move your hands or kick me or something if it feels really uncomfortable." Andrew suggested as Kurt nodded his head very slowly, as if still debating if this was worth it. Andrew seemed to be less hesitant about trying it out as he pushed a button. The glass orb on Kurt's head in the middle of the metallic band started to glow an amethyst colour.

Sebastian watched as George led Kurt to the bed. Bruce looked like he was the chain of authority, tapping his foot, with his arms crossed and glaring at the mere existence of Kurt Alexander Hummel. Soon after, Kurt fell into a deep slumber. The deep slumber allowed Sebastian to move towards him without getting punched or slapped. "Is he just in that world?"

Andrew nodded his head, as George placed a band on Sebastian's hand. "We have quite a few of these. Tell me if you're in the right place. You should know it better, right?"

Sebastian slowly nodded. Soon after, he'd be lying down just beside Kurt. Sebastian would idly hold onto Kurt's hand, hoping that Hummel wouldn't wake up at punch him and then count from ten to one, falling into a slumber, with that circular orb glowing an aqua blue so bright that it was almost like it was trying to beat stars.

* * *

><p>"<em>Sebastian<em>!" _Kurt_ grinned, now throwing himself onto Sebastian's mere presence. Now, Sebastian can feel him even more now, but he could always feel _Kurt_.

Kurt was shocked right now, able to see the small brunette hallucination. "That's…what you see?" Kurt knew but it was still shocking to actually _see_ it. _Kurt_, in celebration, had allowed some sort of teacup to appear in his hands, filled with raspberry tea from nowhere. Kurt looked around, and found that the world looked just like theirs – except this one was suddenly just brighter, more beautiful. He noticed a flock of butterflies, something that wasn't in Lima at all, if only for one or two butterflies here and there. Roses and flowers blooming. It was actually the perfect place of pure and utter joy and happiness.

Kurt had bumped into another small boy, and looked down to see one with fearful eyes. He was chubby, acquiring just a little padding of fat around his stomach, with adorable big fists and big, brown eyes. Kurt was just staring as _Kurt_ introduced this as _Blaine_, and then shot him a very evil-looking glare. _Blaine's_ eyes immediately filled with tears.

_"Coop left me again," Blaine_ softly muttered.

_"Serves you right!" Kurt _stomped on his feet. _"I don't like you anymore."_

_"Idiots_," another voice piped in. Sebastian was suddenly eye-to-eye with his childish self. He hated himself, all of a sudden, all tall, thin and brown-haired. Nothing had changed beside that for years. He towered over both _Blaine_ and _Kurt_ like he did in reality.

_"Stop it, Bassie," Kurt_ smiled at him.

_Kurt_ raised an eyebrow, as _Kurt_ abandoned _Blaine_, running over to the taller child and then grabbing him by his shoulder. Just before Kurt can process if the child liked _Sebastian_, the small child suddenly pressed his lips against _Sebastian's_ and Kurt was left there staring, his mind full of confusion, as _Kurt_ giggled, pulling back. _Sebastian_ grinned back and reached in for another kiss. _Blaine_ was looking sad and was sitting on a rock by himself. _"I want love too."_

Kurt huffed. "_Hmmph. I don't like you, Blainey_!"

"We're together in this world," Kurt deciphered, voice soft, but there was some sort of edge in his voice.

Sebastian just nodded his head slowly. "I guess so."

"I don't feel anything," Kurt suddenly said, and Sebastian nodded his head. Kurt suddenly realised just as fast that that was why Sebastian went through periods of emotionlessness, because they were sucking every emotion – right now, all Kurt was feeling was contempt, making Kurt realise that the _Blaine_ was his, just like _Kurt_ was Sebastian's. This was expected of it all then. Sebastian sat down and Kurt sat down beside him. "I think _Blaine's_ me right now."

Sebastian nodded his head. Lonely. Isolated. Scared. That was _Blaine_ there, curled up in a ball, unhappy, upset, staring at everyone else and just wishing he had what they had. _Sebastian_ and _Kurt_ were laughing and Sebastian didn't think he'd ever looked that happy before, just that _Kurt_ had asked him to go on the swing and he'd obliged to his wishes. There was just one thing that Sebastian wanted to do right now. Sebastian threw the band off him, knowing exactly what he should do.

In the real world, somehow Sebastian's mind complied with that order, tearing off the band. Happily, it wasn't glued to his head or else it would've been a bloody mess. Before George can say anything, Sebastian said he'll call them later. It was a six minute walk towards his car park and a sixteen minute drive to his destination. Sebastian flung the door right now, with determination in his mind, as he stepped inside. It was even more disgusting than he remembered, so white and horrifying. Sebastian stepped towards Blaine's bed, staring at him, whom was awake and staring back at him in confusion as Sebastian whispered. "_Shhhhh_…"

He placed the band around Blaine's head.

_"What are we doing, Bassie? I was showing you how much I love you so you can be happier!" Kurt_ was ushering him, but Sebastian was thinking elsewhere.

_Follow me_, was Sebastian's only command. _Kurt_ obeyed. Suddenly, Sebastian didn't need a band to see this. He sat on the plastic chair – his mind was programmed and just by wanting to see it, was suddenly fuzzily appearing before him. They were in a forest and Blaine was lying just beside him, looking around. Somehow, Blaine had taken off his machine, taking a deep breath of the air around him, his breaths were still laboured. Those big, brown eyes filled with tears. "Bassie." His voice was shocked and in pain.

"Blaine," Sebastian called out.

Blaine looked around, with those big eyes, and then that was just it. The tears started to fall silently. All Sebastian can do was stare at him. Blaine was trying to touch the tree in front of him. Sebastian carried the small Blaine who'd lost a drastic amount of weight and he can tell just by how light Blaine was in his arms right now. If he'd lost just a bit more, he'd probably disappear on him. Sebastian laid Blaine in the pad of lilies, lying beside him, and then Blaine looked up at the branches. The branches that had no leaves, the birches.

"I want to just grab on and swing to Heaven," Blaine marvelled, his voice soft and delicate.

Sebastian stared back at Blaine. Blaine looked back at him. "Sebastian," his voice was soft. "Thank you."

Sebastian wasn't expecting this as Sebastian laid his head on Blaine's shoulder. All he can smell were lilies. "Is this why you called that damn cat, Lilly?"

Blaine nodded slowly. "_Mmmhmm_."

But it wouldn't last. Eventually Sebastian would have to take the band off, and he'd be in reality, where Blaine was confined to bed, with that pressure giving him his airway, not like in that world, not like it at all. Sebastian didn't realise he was drawing until he was looking down. Apparently, the only way he can access was to draw, maybe in his mind, that was the only way that _Kurt_ can give him a boost to the other realm without the helmet, just like last time. Except this time, Sebastian couldn't remember _Kurt_ ordering him to draw this or that like normal. Blaine's eyes were hopeful.

Realising his situation right now, Sebastian knew the only way he can talk to Blaine was trying to decipher the emotion through his eyes – right now, it was happiness and gratitude. Sebastian kissed Blaine's forehead. "Don't worry, you hobbit, I'll take the anti-meds, okay?" Blaine didn't nod his head, but the delight in his eyes and humour made Sebastian realise that all was well, even if Blaine was trapped with a tube to breathe.

Sebastian didn't realise that Blaine was trying to communicate with him until he saw that Blaine was pointing to himself, and then made a heart sign, before pointing to Sebastian.

Sebastian smiled. "I love you too, you dolt."

_But I'm not in love with you, Sebastian._ Sebastian somehow managed to not think about that, if just for a moment. Sebastian pressed his mouth to Blaine's forehead. "Get well soon, okay?" he didn't realise how weak his voice was until he spoke and it shattered him.

Sebastian stood up, placing his hand on Blaine's forehead to check his temperature, which wasn't as high or as bad, his fever was going down – that meant he was getting better, right?

With a shaky hand, Sebastian left, and took only one glance back at Blaine's exhausted body.

* * *

><p>On his way back towards his car, he bumped into a woman that was on the back of his mind. It was his Mother and she was staring down at him, unable to decipher what was going on in Sebastian's head. He offered coffee for her and his Mother nodded, even though he was pretty sure she didn't need anymore coffee, from the look of her bloodshot eyes that had sent a pang of pain to his hair. Her dishevelled hair was scaring him and her eyes were always so close to tears. He'd known her story just by looking at her right now.<p>

They bought tall mochas and large croissants that tasted like fluffy air and bread.

They spun back, each one of them to two different destinations, only for that moment then Sebastian reverted his destination to his dying Father, whom looked nothing like himself. He was still so unconscious, still holding on a lifeline, and Nathalie's eyes were still pooling with the same tears. Suddenly, Sebastian was stuck in time three weeks ago – maybe he'd hear Quinn screaming, or Kurt walking in – maybe they'd share coffee again and hope false hopes until the man that had the Devil's black heart arose. Except maybe not. Except maybe this time, it would hurt just a little bit more.

Sebastian stared at Nathalie, their eyes were in contact, and he knew. Just right then, he knew.

"He's _not_ in love with you," Sebastian's thick voice was making her nod rapidly as all of her blonde-dyed curls bobbed along with her head.

"But he loves me."

"Does _that_ even matter?" Sebastian snapped, his voice cold, his heart pumping with some sort of fiery adrenaline. "Does it matter whether he loves you if he's in love with someone else? If you're just keeping him to your selfish heart's desire and when he wakes up, he's going to realise how much of a fool he's been to ever…_ever_….love you, after all you did to him."

Sebastian realised just, then, he was voicing out his own story, the fact that Blaine loved him, but was so deeply in love with Kurt, and the fact that he was afraid just then, when he truly arose from that bed, he'd love him just as much as Kurt did – maybe he'd find himself regretting every touch, everything…

"I'm _sorry_, Sebastian." Nathalie was crying full-blown tears right now. "He was in love. What was I supposed to do? I didn't know he'd…I didn't think he'd…I'm so sorry that he'd…"

Sebastian froze in on an instance as his Mother confessed the demons that were in her mind, and heart, and that was when Sebastian Smythe retreated and sprung out of the doorway as quickly as possible realising the story behind Nathalie Bianca Chase and Jean Claude Smythe.

"I'm so sorry." Nathalie shook her head, those tears still spilling down her cheeks. "I killed _her_. I killed Elizabeth Langdon-Hummel and framed it as a suicide attempt…"


	30. confronting the demons

_to **Guest**, tehehe! Kid Kurtbastian was cute, deffo fun to write and moody!kid!Blaine, but i especially liked the intensity of the chap. to **sadiejane35**, well, Nathalie killed Elizabeth because Jean was in love with Elizabeth and more on that in this chapter! ;) to **Carbon65**, is Blaine's death that obvious? i must be doing something right/wrong and Bas probably dying? i'm not that cruel. Blaine: SHE IS. SHE PUTS ME IN A TORTURE CHAMBER. shhhh. Blaine muse. :) tehehe. yes. i love the distinction between love and being in love. THE REVERSAL. was just...i knew when i wanted Sebastian to confront his Mother that i wanted something shocking to spill and that was just the only way to do it was to bring back something i originally mentioned (otherwise, it's no fun!). _

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><p>30 – confronting the demons<p>

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><p><em>No<em>.

His Mother killed Elizabeth. She was the reason Kurt's Mother was dead to this day. It also meant that Burt Hummel did not lie to his son, that Burt Hummel was trying to tell Kurt that it was an actual murder in cold blood but his son wasn't about to listen to his reasoning. It also meant that he'd perfectly broken a bond between a Father and a son without even meaning to. He'd always wanted to hurt Kurt, but he'd destroyed his life and demolished it for no reason at all, by sleeping with his boyfriend, by showing him 'the truth' about his Mother's death. He'd done nothing but tear apart every sect of the Hummel family until Kurt was isolated.

_Fuck him. Seriously, fuck him! _

Sebastian's fists met with the wheel of his car, and then he took deeper breathes, one at a time. His Mother killed her because his Father was in love with her. His Father was _in love _with Hummel's Mother. This felt too wrong, to have his Mother play Sebastian Smythe between Blaine and Kurt. She broke them apart just so she can make his Father love her, just like he tried with Blaine but he'd never killed anyone.

_"You never would've, Bas. You're a nice person," Kurt_ whimpered.

Sebastian stared down at him, as Sebastian allowed the thoughts to continue to pound in his head. And this man, Jean Smythe, this man was held against his will to love someone he wasn't in love with, that he just loved, made her pregnant and now, he was a rut. He wanted to pay for a child he didn't want to have. So he found love, in his children, not in his wife. And then one of his children turned out to be gay, another betrayal of some sort, so Jean shut it, because it was out of his security zone, out of the comfort he needed, something that was unfamiliar and Jean must've been scared that it would backfire on him.

_Kurt_ looked away. _"Bassie, stop thinking!"_ apparently, the same thoughts that were forcibly running through _Kurt's_ mind made the small child sick.

Now, Sebastian was trying to keep Blaine's sickness under wraps whilst another day of missed school would cause Kurt more worry than agitation. Over the days, Kurt had honestly started to become a bit more worried every day. Tomorrow would probably be the last straw before Kurt marched down in his house, only to realise that Blaine would be in the hospital. Cooper and his parents were always in the hospital now and when they weren't, that was when Sebastian got a chance to just _show_ Blaine, to _love_ him.

_Stop loving Blaine. You're killing Kurt Hummel in the fucking process._

His parents barely said anything from what he knew. Apparently, they must've been waiting for Blaine to wake up before they can spill out how horribly worried they'd been – or he hoped. Blaine was definitely not fond of his parents and he can tell that just by looking at him.

Sebastian took a deep breath. And then drove to Andrea's apartment for the first time in a week and five days.

* * *

><p>Sebastian had found the spare key underneath the welcome rug. Original place to hide a spare key, yet he couldn't be bothered to think about it now. He secured the key in the lock and opened it. He didn't realise he was practically petrified when he was opening the door. He knew she'd scream, and yell, and probably start crying and right now, he can't handle another freaking breakdown. <em>Kurt<em> had bounced inside just after he'd opened the door, and was sitting on the couch, and suddenly, just by thought, a carton of ice-cream fell and _Kurt_ pulled off the lid, pulling out a spoon from God knew where, and then spooned the cold dessert, his eyes dancing with glee.

Sebastian let a small, weak smile in his lips for a moment.

Andrea had apparently stopped cleaning up the dishes. "John, if you didn't get the medicine right now, you…" Andrea stopped dead in her tracks. Sebastian took the moment of silence to analyse his sister. She gained weight, which either meant she was emotionally eating again, or she was pregnant again. And he didn't like the latter explanation. Lila wasn't crying, so that meant she was sleeping, explaining the sudden tiring circles around Andrea's eyes. He wondered how he looked like to her – probably Hell.

He bathed every day at least – in Blaine's house no less and then changed his clothes ever since he'd said the confession. He'd wondered how Blaine had sex with him at that moment, when he must've smelled like crap or maybe the rain had washed that away and made him smell more tolerable. Sleeping and food were very optional, and had become very rare acquaintances, except for the food they served in school and Blaine's insistence he take a nap. He hadn't combed his hair though in a long time, and he was pretty sure the jeans he had had many holes in them that weren't part of the design.

"Where. The. Hell. Were. You?" Andrea's eyes were now full of just rage.

Sebastian decided that a smartass answer would be best. He didn't feel like emotionally breaking down and crying right now. He'd done way too bloody much of that already and he was shocked he had even a bit of dignity left. "Well, living in my car. Don't worry. I showered every day in Blaine's house so I didn't contract some illness from being filthy."

Andrea looked like she wanted to hit him, but she wouldn't right then and then stomped her foot on the ground, to try and exert some of that anger in her. "You scared the shit out of me."

Sebastian just shrugged. "I'm a grown boy. I can live on my own if I wanted to. Just a year below eighteen doesn't make me incompetent."

"You look like you haven't slept in days. You look like you haven't _eaten_ in days—" Andrea over-exaggerated.

"I did sleep. For four hours last night. And I did eat, not this morning, but last night, I did eat something but none of these are on my top to do list." Sebastian didn't want to plunge into why – his Father, his…love, if he mentioned any of that right now he'd just fall apart and that wasn't something he wanted to do in front of Andrea of all people, someone he can be just as sneaky around as most people and they wouldn't notice a damn thing. Except she was noticing something different about him.

Andrea looked like she wanted to hit him and hug him. She was torn between them. She'd just chosen the latter and hugged the hell out of him. "You scared me. You scared me so bad."

"I know," Sebastian knew he had to say another thing out loud, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to. "Andy, Daddy's in the hospital."

Andrea now looked at him like he was making up things again. "Bas, you're _insane_—"

"I am _not_," Sebastian shot back, realising that the only reason he didn't feel that way was when Kurt talked, he made him seem as if he just had another supernatural power instead of full-plunged insanity. "I can show you."

Andrea nodded slowly, and then disappeared, walking back in wearing a jacket and holding the sleeping Lila in her hands. She hesitated before giving her to Sebastian and Sebastian wondered why – did she not trust him at all after this? It seemed appropriate, but she was used to these stupid moves he'd do every now and then. It wasn't his fault she worried herself until he came back, or until everything was fixed.

In minutes, Sebastian would remember why he hated Andrea's driving and the fact that his stomach was empty wasn't doing him any favours because he was getting nauseated. The thing was with Andrea was that she didn't drive too fast, it was the opposite and the prolonged swaying of the car combined with more time it took to reach what would usually be a sixteen minute drive for Sebastian made him sick. Deciding he deserved this anyway, Sebastian tried to power through the nearly half-hour drive with Lila in his arms, sleeping softly. Did he once look this innocent? But God, he hated children. He hated the fact that he had to hold him—

_"You like me and I'm not really a full-grown adult," Kurt_ said in a matter-of-fact tone.

_Shut up and finish your behemoth-sized carton of ice cream, why don't you?_ Sebastian didn't realise he had a small, weak smile until then. Sebastian then chose to forget the nausea by spilling every single fucking detail to Andrea that wasn't him having sex with Blaine, and breaking them up in the most absurd way possible. That was for him to know, and that would be it. Why did the rest of the fucking world need to know? It was between him, Kurt and Blaine anyway. Nobody else can fix up his mess.

Andrea was silent, trying to take this all in, and probably wondering if it was a delusion, a conjuration of Sebastian's mind.

Then all of those thoughts would be taken back, seeing Jean on that hospital bed. Sebastian was looking at his guilty Mother right now. She was perfect again, perfect curls, perfectly applied make-up – this was the woman that was once a model in France one day – cutting up her face for this man whom she was in love with that can never love her with the same love. This man whom she stayed with despite everything he'd done. Because she had confined him to a life of desolation, to a life he didn't want to have.

Their perfect little family was fucking set-up.

It wasn't out of love. They were all freaking psychopaths in this room, just waiting to explode and become nothing. It was just then that Sebastian heard a voice that he didn't think he'd hear before, as he turned around to face Nona, that was standing there in all of her black-clothed pride, and had ushered for Sebastian to follow her. He wondered when his family had become so inclined to look so perfect. It had never annoyed him before but right now, it was all that Sebastian can think of.

That Andrea always did her hair, straight as a pin and placed it into a bun, and always wore the same colour combinations. His Father always looked the same, presentable, even lying in that hospital bed; he looked like he can be in _Vogue_. His Nona, the woman who shouldn't care, cared. And then there was Sebastian, whose first priority when he was living in a car was bathing, making his hair and making sure he looked as presentable as he could under his circumstances. They all wore some sort of make-up, literally or metaphorically. And now, it was all tumbling down right now.

Sebastian sat down with his Nona. It wasn't quite France with fifteen maids tending to their every need, in the breakfast table with Thomas, Renee, Jerome, Eloise, and the extended family that ventured into around forty-three seats. Maybe if Sebastian can think, he can remember everyone's names but he didn't want to right now. He just wanted to forget. He wanted to forget his older brothers that didn't give a fuck about Sebastian, that nobody talked about, and that didn't exist until they were in that family gathering out in the dining table. And they'd never mention his Nona's schizophrenia or whom was gay or who was straight or the fact that Sebastian hadn't seen his brothers all year long and they just decided to show up out of freaking nowhere and everyone had to pretend to not care.

Sebastian suddenly saw a dangerous resemblance to his horrible fucking brothers and him, ditching Andrea like that. It was just as bad, just as horrible and he had no business coming back when he backed his bags and left like that.

Nona was drinking her tea very slowly and Sebastian turned to his own cup of tea, drinking very small sips right now. Their eyes never left each other's. "Jean will die," was the woman's only response. It was stoic, like she didn't give a bloody Hell if Jean would die.

Sebastian nodded his head, and picked up one of the muffins from the plate, and took a bite out of it.

Nona eyed him for a moment. "What's his name?"

Of course, this was his Nona that found Nathalie everywhere she could and she saw him in Sebastian right now. "Blaine. His name is Blaine Anderson."

Nona raised an eyebrow and Sebastian's first instinct was to flip through his wallet and show her the picture of his lover. "This is Blaine," he said, pointing towards the picture on his wallet.

Nona squinted her eyes, her eyebrows furrowing as she looked closely at him. "He…" Sebastian waited for the words. "He looks lonely."

Sebastian looked back at the picture of Blaine, a picture just by himself, with his teeth gapping in glee, but his eyes were a different story. Nona can read him too. He was alone. He was alone and empty, and Sebastian didn't know why he kept this picture when he had happier ones of him.

_"You know why," Kurt_ mumbled. "_Because you can fool yourself and tell yourself that he needs you."_

He didn't need Sebastian to erase those lonely feelings. All he needed was Kurt. Suddenly, Sebastian had come to hate the picture in front of him and his grandmother must've deciphered Sebastian's face because she asked. "This is the boy you're in love with?"

Sebastian nodded his head and his Nona held his hand. "It's harder when you love someone but they refuse to love you back. Don't make the same mistake she did, Sebastian. You're better than that."

His Nona, his Nona who thought he was making fun of schizophrenia, and had done something horrible was warning him of his Mother's mistake. Nona ran her hand through his hair. "What did I tell you about letting your hair grow then? It's better cut. It makes all the boys swoon."

Sebastian laughed, but it was an empty laugh. "Of course, Nona."

"Beautiful boy," his Nona complimented him, placing a hand to his cheek. "You look exactly like your Mother at this age. Lost. _Misguided_."

"I'm in love with him." Sebastian's voice was weak, almost as if she didn't know. "He makes me happy."

"He's a boy, Sebastian." Nona's voice was strict, almost as if she was torn between addressing Nathalie or her grandson. "There a thousand other ones just like him."

"No," Sebastian shook his head. "He's the only boy I've ever loved."

Nona shook her head. "You can love another. You do love another. Don't you?"

Sebastian snorted. "He's not interested at all." Sebastian said, eyes twinkling. "Neither of them are. I love two people but I'm not in love with both of them. I'm in love with only one of them. He's the only boy I've ever fallen for. I've ever needed. I've ever trusted."

Nona placed her hand on Sebastian's cheek. "Don't be a fool for love."

Sebastian shifted uncomfortably. "Why don't I? When nobody else loves me?"

There was just nothing other than silence after that, as Sebastian took a sip from the tea that was in front of him, that had somehow started to taste bland and cold, instead of exciting, fresh and sugary. He sat there silently.

_"I love you." Kurt'_s voice was soft_. "I love you, Bas."_

Sebastian nodded towards the small hallucination. _Okay, Kurt_. He didn't do anything else other than look at the teacup. He didn't know why he even called the little brunette a hallucination anymore, possibly out of habit, and habit, was something that Sebastian couldn't break right at that very moment.

* * *

><p><em>xo Peanut ButterSam_


	31. recollection

_to **HPgirlKHfanGleek**, i'm too lazy to live. xD. it is, isn't it? i'd have made him go insane if i hadn't made him go insane already :P. to **Carbon65**, Sebastian will always be our evil meerkat. :) goodness. i wanted that to happen~ i was like "hey, whilst you still think Jean is a douchebag, here's some brain candy to nom on" - aweeee. :'3 now, go tell Christopher Nolan to make this into a move and re: Blaine: tehehehe, Blaine might be lucky though (then again he's in my hands). _

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><p>31 – recollection<p>

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><p>When Blaine woke up that night, it was like his chest had a thousand different things pressing it to its core and that it was making him very difficult to breathe. Opening his eyes, he realised that this pain was caused by some sort of imaginary force that he couldn't really pre-tell right now. He stared up and the first thing he'd seen was Sebastian. It was always Sebastian. Sebastian was just always there. The pressure was uncomfortable. The prickling feeling of the IV in his hand was annoying him to some extent. Right now, he'd think he can't sleep with the prickle in his wrist, but in a few moments, it won't even matter. Blaine felt like his body didn't exist amongst the weight of the machinery on his body.<p>

"Blaine," Sebastian breathed out, breaking him out of his reverie.

It hurt. That was all Blaine knew right now. He can use words to describe the pain but his mind came to a draw. It just fucking hurt and he didn't want to think, because thinking made the pain just worse. His lungs were marred by heavy weight, and there was a certain throaty fire that was making Blaine hurt. Blaine can feel tiny tears sting at the corner of his eyes. It made him laugh when he thought that this used to be just a normal fever, a normal type of fatigue that made him want to sleep, but it was too uncomfortable to sleep right now. It just wasn't. Blaine wanted to shift from place to place and find something more comfortable for now. That was the only thing on his mind, except he couldn't move with the airway pressure supplying him the oxygen he needed.

The airway pressure was just uncomfortable. Not painful. The disease was painful. But the airway pressure was not making it any better. It almost made Blaine want to rip it out and breathe all by himself, but that would require bringing all of the air in his faulty lungs and trying to breathe in and out. Somehow, that thought made his chest hurt even more, like a wheezing type of pain that made his lungs feel like they were shrinking from the pure and utter explosive pain that was in them.

Still, the Doctor would want to try, right? He wondered if his legs were working. A small movement made a jolt to Blaine's brain _– I can move my legs!_ His legs were stiff through from my lack of use. He hit Sebastian's leg, and Sebastian was alert.

"Blaine?" he called out.

Blaine tried to extend his neck, trying to get Sebastian to take out this positive airway pressure. Right now, it was at the back of his mind that he was dying – except it wasn't. It always there, reminding him, but he wasn't spending it trying to lunge for breath in a hospital. He found the source, the small glittery silver box just beside him and then he tried to move a stiff hand towards it.

"Blaine, no, you dolt!"

Sebastian must've heard the hallucination say something because he finally came towards the box and unhooked the tube from it, before taking it out of Blaine's face. Blaine tried to sit up, but then realised he'd been trying to do too much for his stiff body, so his body collapsed. He lunged for breath. It hurt to breathe, but at least he was free. He wanted the IV off; just staring at it reminded him of the prickle, the prickle he wasn't otherwise aware of. The passing nurse walked towards him.

"You took off the airway pressure?" the woman asked.

Sebastian nodded. "Yeah…he'd only need it because he was unconscious, right?"

The woman slowly nodded his head for a while, but then hooked the tube back in and Blaine would know why. Just in case he needed another episode. "I needed it off, because the Doctor wanted to give him the pills. We injected some in his bloodstream but most of his pills are taking orally."

Sebastian nodded as Blaine took his cocktail of drugs for his HIV. "His CD4 levels though have shown an improvement. It's not much, but it's doing something, but it's good, especially with the MAC bacteria in his bloodstream."

Sebastian nodded his head. "Is it above 50?"

"It's just a little below a hundred, but he's getting there slowly on his own pace. And this is without the medication, so it's very good." The nurse tried to explain to him. "How long have you been on the meds?"

"Not for long…maybe three weeks at most. Is it helping my count?"

The nurse nodded. Blaine smiled at Sebastian at this. "My fever's down." Blaine dully noted. Blaine knew Sebastian probably didn't want to be hopeful but he pressed a hand on his Blaine's shoulder and then said under the softest breath.

"Thank you, God. You answered my prayers." Sebastian's voice was soft, but it was loud enough for Blaine to hear. Blaine looked back at the boy before him, whom was just full of faith for the faithless right about now. Sebastian raised a hand on Blaine's cheek, and then with heavy, thick tears – Blaine just realised that Sebastian didn't mind crying in front of him. "I thought you were going to die."

Blaine hiccupped as he pressed his head against Sebastian's shoulder. Sebastian ran his hand through that curly hair. "This is how…it is naturally?"

Blaine looked at the mirror from the opposite of the room. He can see just a small mop of black hair without his thick-framed glasses but he nodded anyway as he pressed his head up against Sebastian's cheeks. He would've flailed normally, but Blaine realised Sebastian let him see himself at his worst, so he'd repay the favour by letting Sebastian see him at his worst.

"We're keeping him overnight."

Sebastian nodded his head. "Okay." He smiled at Blaine. Blaine smiled back at him and they just stared at each other for the moment. Blaine realised just then, looking back at Sebastian's face, with that feeling _of I'm not going to die because of this at least_, his chest pain was irrelevant and he couldn't even remember the uncomfortable prick of the needle of the feeling of the positive airway pressure in his mouth, but Blaine was cautious. He wasn't pushing his luck for those moments, as he laid down, not wanting to exert himself. "I'm letting you rest, okay? A medium drip then?"

Blaine smiled back at him and slowly nodded his head. The last thing he remembered was Sebastian squeezing his hand. He picked up his phone only to note that Kurt hadn't left him any messages. And whilst waiting for Sebastian, Blaine somehow had fallen asleep again, almost as if the unconscious state he was in most of the few days weren't enough sleep for him. When he woke up, he found the cold coffee cup in front of him and the nurse offered to heat it up for him. Blaine felt her generosity through it, and nodded his head.

Cooper was standing in the doorway. Blaine pretended not to notice him, that he wasn't aware. He waited for his brother to buckle up enough courage to walk in there but he didn't.

In a night, after checking his vital signs, and telling him not to exert himself, that he shouldn't be in school for at least three or four days, just to make sure he wasn't in any type of danger, but Blaine found himself actually eating honey oatmeal for energy, packing his normal lunch of baby carrots, an apple and Saltine crackers. He definitely didn't want to eat anything just yet, but he didn't want to faint or anything else to happen to him either. At least during school time, he can give himself that much. Just as he was placing his container in his backpack, he bumped into his Father.

Blaine bit down his lower lip. "Dad?"

"You're going to school?" it was definitely an inquiry.

Blaine nodded his head.

"No, you're staying here." The man was adamant. "You scared the shit out of me, you know? When you fainted. It wasn't a nice sight having your son practically dying on a hospital bed…" Joseph shut those bright, blue eyes and Blaine was standing there, face plastered with shock.

"Well, Father," Blaine didn't realise how venomous his voice was until he spoke. "You didn't care first few times around when the HIV decided to show itself! I had a fever! That's all I seemed to have. Yes, I'm tired but I want to see Kurt, you remember? My _boyfriend_?"

Blaine sure Kurt and him weren't together but he didn't want to mention that to his Father. "I don't want to live my days in this…big, old _empty_ house. Nobody's ever here. _Nobody_. I'd rather faint and die in school today than spend another minute in this…Hell house. I'm sorry, Dad. I love you. I'll see you later."

Taken back by his own rebellion, Blaine had stormed outside. Blaine was shocked he'd said those words as he started up his car. He placed his bottle of water, being cautious about his body and trying to keep it as hydrated as ever. He'd taken his pills right then, both his anti-MAC pills and the cocktail of drugs for his HIV. He somehow immediately felt better – maybe it was his mind playing placebo on him, or the fact that he'd taken it so the anxiety of him not taking them and then throwing up blood disappeared for that moment.

Driving over to the school, he still stayed as depressed and tired at Cooper's presence as he'd been before. He just couldn't be bothered with Cooper at all. At his locker, Kurt had approached him, with a stuffed beige-furred dog in his arms, with thick, pearly black eyes. "Hey, I just got you this toy that Finn won Rachel at Six Flags…as…a sort of…break-up gift I suppose." Kurt mused slowly, and then given him.

"I was sick, so I didn't come to school," Blaine explained and then took the peace offering from Kurt.

Kurt nodded. "Okay." He said, and then left. Apparently, Blaine had solved the mystery in his mind. Kurt stopped and then turned around. "I know you don't deserve this after what Sebastian and you did…but, if you want to mend your relationship with your brother, then you should tell him your feelings. Sing it actually." He didn't even say a goodbye as he left.

Blaine clutched the dog in his hand even tighter.

In the auditorium, Blaine had stepped inside, promptly after sending Blaine a text to meet him at the auditorium as quickly as possible and then looked up at the stage. He started to sing. The notes of_ Somebody That I Used to Know_ where hard to wheeze out of his torturous chest, but he would still do it. Blaine would do it, because he could. Cooper joined the auditorium. They were staring at each other. It didn't even dawn to Blaine that it wasn't a song two brothers sang, but he still continued to sing with him.

Blaine was just about to leave after getting all of that out in song form, before Cooper grabbed his shoulder. "Always did what was best for you, you know? Ever since you were young, I knew how damn talented you are, you piece of shit."

Blaine gave him a soft smile.

"You scared the hell out of me, _okay_?" Cooper muttered. "In that fucking hospital bed…"

Blaine nodded his head slowly. Cooper took a deep breath and then shut his eyes. "My audition was cancelled. So I'm staying just a bit longer."

Blaine shook his head, as he dropped towards his knees, scaring the Hell out of Cooper as he knelt down beside him. Blaine was breathing erratically and Cooper was shaking him. "Blaine, no! Not again!"

Blaine smirked back at Cooper.

"Get the camera. We can show your casting director just how…what was it? Damn talented you are, you piece of shit." Blaine cockily responded, causing Cooper to hit him on the shoulder.

"You gave me a freaking mini heart attack, you bastard." Cooper responded, shaking his head.

"You should've pointed your finger at me," Blaine mused, joking, as Cooper shook his head at his brother yet again, pulling out the camera from his bag. Filming the scene was very realistic, because even when Blaine did it a second time, even when Cooper knew it wasn't real, he was still acting hysterically. Then Blaine thought of trying to add just a bit more emotion, picking up Cooper's script and then playing a part when Cooper's edgy voice came to view, slightly scaring Blaine at how in character he was. At the end of it, Cooper had the camera shut and the two brothers were laughing, except when Blaine's throat started to become nothing but fire and he couldn't laugh anymore with his stomach piercing or his throat hurting, but even that didn't stop from how happy he was.

Sebastian was waiting outside, rolling his eyes. "What the fuck were you doing in school anyway, Blaine?"

Blaine took a deep breath. "Living."

"Fuck it. Don't make your eyes twinkle. You're scaring the hell out of me. If you insist on going to school then I'm with you…" Sebastian checked Blaine's nearly non-existent fever for now. It might spike up in a few hours like yesterday night, but Blaine was getting better for now. Blaine followed Sebastian into his car, which wasn't apparently his choice anyway.

Sebastian drove Blaine to distances and then Blaine realised where they were going when he'd seen it. He spent the rest of the evening swapping peanut butter and banana sandwiches between Sebastian and himself underneath birches, in a field of lilies.

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><p><em>light chapter? it's because you know some heavy shit is going to come. xo Peanut ButterSam _


	32. plunging in the cold

_to **Carbon65**, five people actually. and maybe more if you look at it in another way. (who? what are you saying? Shut up Sammy). xD. by the end of this chapter, you would've found out another one. xD. or hopefully, here is where the storm builds up. teh. Blainey. always running off and defying gravity (insert pun) since Kurt likes Defying Gravity. this isn't working for me. eh. _

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><p>32 – plunging in the cold<p>

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><p>"Hello?"<p>

Kurt was shaking. He didn't want to say any of this. The woman on the other end of the line had a nice, homely voice, was sweet, but to be honest, Kurt was a wreck. He wanted Blaine, but Blaine had hurt him. Sebastian had hurt him. All he had in his life was a lie, his Mother's death, Blaine and his' exchanges of love, the sex he had…he'd given himself to a boy that seemed as insecure as him, his tolerance with Sebastian…after everything he'd done, Sebastian was just bent on hurting him, after all they'd been threw…

Kurt had taken a deep breath. Then if Blaine deserved this, why was he feeling so damn guilty already? He shook his head, trying to erase the thought of his mind. "Maria Anderson?" Kurt called out.

"Yes."

Kurt's throat was thick. "Er…I'd…I'm sorry to tell you this, Miss Anderson, but I'm the son of Elizabeth and Burt Hummel…did…I was just going to say my Mother killed herself, because of your husband's baby. I know this sounds insane but I'm sure there were signs. There were always signs and he got…my Mother pregnant. So she killed herself."

"Beth killed herself? No way. _Beth loves herself_. Nobody told you Nathalie Smythe tried to kill her? And yes, I know my husband was cheating on me with her. Fucking slut." Maria had sighed and Kurt was practically numb and thoughtless as Maria continued. "…honey, your Mother was a horrible person and I'm glad she's dead, _but_ she would never…"

Kurt's mind was reeling. His throat was hurting. He was shaking. "Prove it."

"Oh, what's wrong with you, honey?" her voice was sickly sweet despite the topic at hand as she continued to explain. "Honey, your Mother would never have killed herself. Nathalie killed her and framed it as an overdose. Look closely at the pills, honey. The picture. The pills were not prescribed to Elizabeth Hummel. They were prescribed to Jean Smythe."

A name, and a big name and they wouldn't care about his Mother's death because of the power that Jean Smythe had over them. Suddenly, Kurt felt the need to throw up as he shook his head, but then turned off the phone. He had slowly slithered to the notebook and had stared at the picture that Sebastian had ripped out. The pills. They were really prescribed to Jean Smythe and he'd always known that his Mother wouldn't kill herself, somehow. Silently, at the back of his mind.

The pain intensified by the minute and any association with reality ebbed away quickly at the back of Kurt's mind.

His Father didn't lie to him. _Kurt_ lied to him…

_"No. I'm you. You can't lie to yourself, Kurtie."_

_Get the fuck away from me, you piece of shit. I hate you. I hate you. I hate everything. I hate everyone._ Kurt's arms were around his chest and he felt just pain until now. Pain for trusting Blaine with his heart. Pain for shunning away his innocent Father. Pain for his dead Mother. Pain for Finn. Pain for Rachel. Pain for Quinn. Pain. Pain. Pain surging into every part of his body, sinking into his bones…

And the pain didn't stop. It just lingered, pushing, pushing and hurting him, like spears into him, digging deeper into his body until

Kurt Hummel just snapped.

_"Kurt, please, don't!"_ the hallucination was crying.

Kurt was devoid of the thought process. Devoid of anything but the pain. He didn't understand what _Kurt_ was warning him from. Perhaps something darker, a darker part of him that he should not have unlocked. Suddenly, he can see the little _Finn_ there, looking up at him with those soft eyes.

"_Kill them_," _Finn_ would whisper.

Instead, Kurt just buckled down under his knees, as tears filled his eyes and then spilled as quickly as possible. _"KILL THEM. ALL OF THEM_." _Finn_ screamed, and now, tears were filling his eyes too. Kurt's arms were wide, and _Finn_ curled up into them. _Finn_ was real. Small, scrawny little boy that was too short for his age, with big, brown eyes.

_Finn_ was staring up at him and pressing his head against Kurt's shoulder. Kurt rocked them back and forth.

_Kurt_ was now full-on screaming. "_No! Kurt, don't! Finn is really bad! Finn is sick. Finn is sick_!" _Kurt_ was warning him, his eyes wide with alarm.

Kurt's fingers twisted into _Finn's_ hair, as _Finn_ looked back up at him. Now, Kurt was staring deep into dark eyes, with baggy circles, skin too pale to be human and small droplets of blood falling from his mouth_. "Please help me. I'm really good. I'm really, really good. Just help me. Just…believe me. Save me now."_

Kurt was pulling himself to his knees. He didn't know what to do.

_"Let's go to the store!" Finn_suddenly punched his hands up in the air. Kurt was conflicted by the sudden change in emotion, as Finn's eyes beamed with glee, but the droplets of scarlet were still falling from his lips, as he picked Kurt up, ushering him.

As Kurt passed the mirror, he realised he was too pale to be human as well.

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><p>Kurt was passing by Finn's room. He'd go talk to his brother, but not only would his brother be at Puck's but he really didn't feel like it. They were usually at the supermarket anyway – the one that Sam worked in – so he'd have a big chance of meeting up with them.<p>

Kurt was trying to understand, and trying not to go insane. He was standing there in a local supermarket Sam was working at now that the stripper job was over and done with. _Finn_ was shaking. "_I'm really cold_."

Kurt raised an eyebrow, almost wanting to point out the humid and hot weather outside, but remembering the world there, it might be cold. _Finn_ might be feeling things from two different worlds. _Finn_ was staring at Sam with big, brown eyes, with no expression riddled upon them at all.

_"I like him. Kurt, can I have him?"_

Kurt was shuddering. He didn't know what it could mean. Sam was busy stacking up a bunch of peanut butter jars, and then stopped all of a sudden. He smiled softly, and chuckled under his breath.

Kurt would probably ask Sam why he did that, but a huge part of him knew Sam didn't even know why he did what he did. Kurt watched _Finn_ shiver violently, as he pressed his head against the aisle, whimpering softly. Thick, hot tears filled _Finn's_ eyes. _Finn_ was still shaking from apparent cold.

Sam was just shrugging. "I gotta bring a new batch of ice-cream out from the store after this."

"Oh," Kurt suddenly moved, helping Sam stack the rest of the peanut butter on the shelves, and then the Nutella jars next to them. _Finn_ was curled up into a ball, practically frozen into a crisp of puffy blue skin, and wide vacant eyes. He wasn't shaking anymore and wasn't very responsive. Kurt suddenly raised his eyebrow and then turned to Sam, whom was walking towards the storage room.

"It's a little cold in here." Sam explained as he gestured to Kurt's clothing, which happened to be light and airy. Kurt wanted to snort because Sam wasn't even wearing a jacket. Sam went on explaining. "The unit is huge. It's about forty cubic metres. So we get in and we get ice-cream buckets. It's like negative 18 degree Celsius in there."

Just walking in, Kurt felt goose-bumps on his skin from all the shivering. Was this what Finn was warning him about? It really was bad. Sam was getting a huge silvery trolley that was flat on the ground, with its tiny wheels and was being pulled by a rope on Sam's end. Now, Sam was wearing something that looked very thick and protective, as he gave the same to Kurt. Kurt was practically sweating in said extremely thermal and warm clothing as Sam ushered for him to follow him.

The storage unit was cold, but he would've been dying of sub-zero if the thermal equipment wasn't proper. He suddenly looked around the storage unit, and found himself wondering why _Finn_ was so afraid of this. Maybe in different words, different fears exist. Had _Finn_ been predicting Kurt's future and what did it mean when Kurt can see _Finn_ and Finn can see _Kurt_?

There had to be something similar about Finn's and Sebastian's thought process. Kurt had tried to think and then realised that they'd probably oversimplified things, just as _Kurt_ did. He oversimplified _Finn's_ character as just 'bad' and 'sick' but then again, Kurt can hear _Kurt_ as well, but he didn't oversimplify things at all.

Then Kurt thought of another thing. There was the fact that Sebastian and Finn both took their Daddy issues quite seriously, which might even explain why Kurt can hear _Kurt_ too. With some sort of pain coiling in his chest, Kurt realised that Sebastian and Finn practically didn't have Dads, both of them, whilst when Kurt had his fallout with his Dad at the worst, he can her _Kurt_ talk. That would mean that when he and his Father made up, that part of _Kurt's_ mind would no longer see or hear _Kurt_ at all.

This _Finn_ projection, however, was just plain dark. Dark, but scared. Just like how Kurt was feeling right now. Cold from pain, numb from sheer and utter ice—

Maybe that was why everything had gone like it did.

Sam stopped by a freezer and started to pull out different ice cream before Kurt asked. "Sam. Can you tell me a story?"

Sam just stared back at Kurt as if he was insane before he laughed. "Yeah. I guess I can. I have like a lot of brothers and sisters."

Sam shut his eyes, as he continued the menial tasking of unloading Ben and Jerry's on the cart before he looked at Kurt. "Okay. So there was once upon a time, where this was this boy named Kurt. And he had a boyfriend named Blaine. And Blaine did bad things so they broke up." Sam was almost retelling the story from how he saw it. "But Blaine's a good guy and Kurt knows it too. Just still is hurt, so he does what he does. He gets himself…"

Sam placed a carton of ice cream between Kurt's hands. "A carton of Cherry Garcia and he just eats until he dies of fat content and type two diabetes. The end."

Kurt laughed before he looked down at the carton in his hands. He was in a slightly better mood as he placed the Cherry Garcia on top of a Boston Cream Pie before he licked his lower lip. "Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"How'd you know that Cherry Garcia was my favourite ice-cream?"

"Remember those warm milk chats you have with Finn?" Sam said, as he unloaded his final carton of ice-cream, looking back at the cart before he took a deep breath.

Kurt nodded his head.

Sam started to explain. "Sometimes I pass by your rooms and I find you eating it and Finn mentioned that it was your favourite. I think you threw a pillow at his face and called him doofus."

Kurt frowned, looking down. "I'm sorry I don't invite you to our warm milk chats. It's just. It's Finn and I's…"

Sam placed a finger to Kurt's lips. "Come on. Our little story can be our little secret but I get it. It's Finn and yours thing. That's…"

"Sam?"

Sam moved towards a substance. Kurt was hoping that it wasn't something they needed to clean. Kurt's heart stopped when he realised what they were looking at. They weren't looking at a spill. They were looking at something else. Kurt hoped it wasn't another joke that would end up with Puck scaring him. It was.

Puck erupted from the space and was decked in the equipment, but it scared Kurt anyway. Kurt felt fury boil in him, as Puck laughed. Kurt felt like his face was frozen. He just wanted out, but then Kurt's eyes wafted towards the ground. He hoped that wasn't Puck's clothing or something he'd dropped. Kurt leaned down and then picked off an article of clothing, which happened to be another one of those thermal coats.

Kurt had disappeared into the storage unit. Sam followed, and now, Kurt was looking at the very corner, scolded. Kurt walked over there and then dropped the coat.

In the corner, with a navy hoodie, and jeans, was an exceptionally pale Finn Hudson. Kurt was shaking. He looked down and realised that Finn's BlackBerry was beeping red and was open to something. By incident, Kurt accidentally opened up the phone. It was a stopwatch.

5:46:34.

5 hours, 46 minutes and 34 seconds. That was how long Finn Hudson was lying in a negative thirteen degree Celsius room. The numbers were enough to tell him.

This was a suicide attempt.

All Kurt can hear, as Puck dropped down to his friend, almost turning as pale as Finn as Kurt remembered…his chest hurting… _Finn was blinking and then just warned him. "It's _not_ pretty."_

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><p><em>I was unsure whether or not to warn for this as there was a suicide attempt before (Dave's) and it's in the series. So I thought it would be futile and pointless. My reasoning makes sense at least. Actually, that ending was by far something I enjoyed writing. I was stuck in trying to explain what Finn was wearing and what Finn was actually doing in said cold storage unit. I wanted to make it short and curt, so I can have stuff to write for the next chapter. Plus, this required a good amount of research about hypothermia. I supposed around nearly 6 hours would mean he'd be dead, but then I thought of Finn, how big his body was, his body fat percentage…then again, it's a -13 degree C room and he was wearing a hoodie and jeans, so it gives me a nice "might diemight not die" fraction there. xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	33. i don't know

_i've been dying to get this update around. stupid internet. ugh. i want to go to sleep soon. i woke up in the middle of nowhere and decided to watch Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. this chapter is the only chapter in the whole fanfic that's written in someone's point of view that isn't Blaine, Kurt or Sebastian!_

_Warnings for drugs, mild/moderate drug use and domestic violence (though this also has been covered in the series)._

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><p>33 – i <em>don't<em> know

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><p>There was some shit Noah Puckerman can't handle seeing in his life, some shit that was a lot like Hummel being on top and fucking Anderson's ass. Or shit like Quinn getting into a car accident. Or shit like her giving away their daughter. Now, that shit was nothing compared to this, compared to seeing his best fucking friend hooked up to an IV line like <em>that<em>. Doctors said something about him being as dehydrated as fuck. They had changed Finn's clothing and now, he was in a warm hospital room.

Puck was too stunned to speak and somehow, his comment _of 'can we just throw him in a sauna?_' didn't escape his mouth. There was a white long, thick tube connected to somewhere that Puck didn't really care to know that was giving Finn some sort of warm air so that he can regain his normal body temp. All Puck knew was that that shit better work, because Finn was still as pale as a sheet and looked as dead as his aunt. Except she didn't look so bad when she died. Except he didn't give a fuck when that whore died.

All Puck was seen he was hooked to a lot of wires, all of them from a fucking IV line, to his stomach, to his lower arm, to his he didn't know what but there were wires poking out of wherever too. And they hooked to him a heart lung machine. Fuck. His best friend was _not_ on the verge of dying, _he was falling off the fucking cliff_ and someone was just trying to go after him before he crashed. Fuck.

From where Puck was standing, staring at Finn in, all they told him was that Finn's body wasn't fucking cooling fast enough.

He was sitting with some big-assed Doctor right now, which was a chick but he can't care any less, as her blonde hair spilled into her eyes whilst she was telling Puck to lift up Finn's dressing gown for her and she was pulling down a section of Finn's underwear at least and then started to withdraw some blood with her syringe. "Aren't you wondering what I'm doing with your friend?"

Apparently, she was a little smug. She wanted him to ask questions—no, Puck. Puck tried to re-evaluate his thinking process. Apparently, Kurt had asked her. All Carole and Burt knew was to drop off at the hospital right after their shifts were done. Kurt was trying to maintain a calm voice. What if they came three days later? All Puck and Kurt were doing were sitting and watching Finn's blood being drained and this woman whom was asking him if he wanted to know what was going on. No. He didn't want to know. It might mean his friend was in bad fucking waters and he was dead.

Puck blinked, staring back at Finn's face. She took it as invitation to talk. "Did you know his heart stopped working?"

Puck didn't do anything. Kurt was just curling up into a ball. Sam came back with a lot of caffeine and Kurt scrunched his nose at the Red Bull as they passed it around. She came back a while later – Puck didn't know how long later – and reinjected him with what appeared to be the same blood. Except she did some Doctor shit to it so he didn't really know.

Finn was still pale. Why wasn't this shit working? Yeah. Pretty wires and fucking promises but was he looking any better? Liars. And shit. His hand was so fucking cold. All of him was still so fucking cold.

Maybe Kurt and Sam wanted questions, but fuck, all Puck wanted to know that his little soldier was okay, you know? Puck wanted to know if he'd ever ask him if he wanted to play another fucking game or if they should give snorting coke another try. Hummel – or Kurt – or whatever was standing up and he was gonna go touch Finn but Puck placed a hand in the air, ceasing the action from happening.

"You know what, Hummel?" those blue eyes that used to look back at him, almost hoping for mercy when he was being thrown in a dumpster, were staring back at him now. "Don't fucking touch him. You'll cry. You'll cry because he's still a fucking Popsicle."

It took a moment for Puck to realise he was practically panting like he did when he had that threesome with a cougar and her sister. Puck shook his head, looking back at Finn, as if he was just going to suddenly burst out of the cot, and start babbling on about shit that Puck _should've_ cared about.

"Puck, I'm gonna go with Kurt here, and we're gonna go get their parents to this room, okay?"

Hummel was silent, pursing his lips together, as he and Sam left. Puck looked at the time. Look at that. Seven hours passed and they were still locked in this god forsaken room. Visiting hours should've been over. Maybe the blonde had something to do with it, because she was looking at him like she slept with him and she got it. Maybe. He didn't know. Or maybe Evans had something to do with it—

Carole was practically in tears by the time she was in the room. Apparently, the ten minute walk was enough for Evans to say the situation. He doubted Hummel can say those words on a ten minute walk, but Evans would just spit out and won't stop talking and he should really stop thinking right now. Hummel's Dad was just standing there. Hummel looked down like he didn't want to think either. That made two of the people in this room at least.

The blonde Doctor was staring at him right now. Yeah. She had something to do with it.

Puck turned around and was staring straight at Finn right now. Dammit. No. Finn was just sleeping (he looked as dead as fuck). He didn't think Finn ever looked as tiny and vulnerable and that was a lot saying for a six-foot-three guy who weighed at around two-ten. Hey. Maybe he can't die. Like…nearly six hours for a guy like him? No big. No biggie.

Fuck.

Yeah, just stay here, trying to make it sound any better than it was. Yeah. just pretend that Hudson looked like that before. He did. Maybe. Puck _should've_ paid attention_. He should've paid a lot of fucking attention_. Where were those days where he took one look at Finn's face and he was able to tell that he was as sad as fuck and needed a gay hug from him? Yeah. Gone. How shocking. Probably along the lines of the baby gate thing did Puck stop caring and did Finn get better and better at just pretending that he was alright, fine. Maybe he was always so slow and thick headed because he had a million other things on his mind. That was what Puck used to think when they were kids. Never really thought he was stupid.

Finn was stupid. Doing this stupid thing by throwing himself in a stupid storage room and having his BlackBerry count down his own fucking death. What a big _FUCK YOU. FUCK ALL OF YOU. I DON'T NEED ANY OF YOU_ in the face.

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><p>Puck realised time went by really fucking fast in the hospital and really fucking slow anywhere else when his best friend was hooked to an IV line and surviving on some machine that was pumping some life into him. They said that Finn was looking better. Puck can't see that. All he can see was that he was really pale and his eyes were still shut, so until Finn started to babble on about how good he got at Halo, he didn't give a shit. Except he totally did and it hurt.<p>

Rachel was bitching about how wrong it was Finn was at the hospital and why he did why he did.

"He had it all for him. I just can't seem to understand," Rachel muttered and Puck wanted to punch her in the face. _Look. Dating you, Berry, isn't 'had it all for him'. You didn't give a shit about him. You motherfucking abusive bitch_. For once in his life, Puck actually said those words out loud.

"He had it all for him? Why? 'Cause he was dating your ass?"

Rachel's eyes hardened. This was dangerous territory he was trudging on but he didn't give a crap. He ordered his food and Finn's also, before remembering that his best friend was in the freaking hospital so now, he was munching on the oily fries Finn normally loved to eat. Shit. How much oil was this baked in? Not that Puck cared, but shit. He can taste the freaking oil. If he did what Hummel usually did and take a fry and try to wipe off the grease with a tissue, it'll all soil it.

Apparently, Smythe's eyes softened right now. He was staring at him, and picked off a fry for himself. That made Puck feel better now that he was sharing it with someone, even if it that sore Paris bitch from Planet Gaydon. He really couldn't care less right now.

"I'll have you know, he just had his future planned out for him perfectly. And don't give me that look saying that look because you've been pushing him around to go to LA with you too."

Puck stared back at that little skiving bitch right now. Rachel had her moments, but this was just not one of them. "Hey. Berry. Let me tell you something…the only reason I tried to pull him to LA is for him to get away from you. Finn's not all I want to be a star. He wants a living making a few bucks and sitting with me and watching movies until he's dead. You filled my boy's head with _your dreams_, you know that?"

Smythe was clutching the chocolate milk Puck normally would've gotten for Finn, in a way that made his knuckles turn white. It took a while for Puck to realise that Smythe's wearing contact lenses because his eyes were dark. Puck wanted to tell him that won't help for shit, but fuck, it did. It did because Smythe's eyes were kinda like Finn's, just the wrong colour. Just a little harder. Just a little less, but that _little_ kinda mattered right now.

"And what's wrong with that?" Rachel puffed.

"They end up like me." Smythe suddenly stated, answering Rachel's question. "They end up like me. Cold, soulless people that have not lived to dream for themselves a day, so they don't know what they fucking want until it's too late, until their fucking existence is made to please people that will never love them the same way they do. And Berry, yeah, you think you love him, cute. And that's why you're throwing him in New York—"

"—that's why you threw a freaking hairbrush at him?" Sam inquired. "What if it hit him in the _eye_?"

Hummel was shocked by that piece of knowledge as he stared at Berry as if she'd betrayed him.

Puck quipped again. "And what about the time when you tried to pressure _my boy_ into having sex with you 'cause of a freaking role? Ever thought – I don't know – he might have fucking _feelings_?"

"He didn't tell me any of this." Hummel's voice was now small but full of shock, like he'd tell Puck – yeah, understanding, lifelong friend and all that jazz – but Sam? Sam whom he'd known for around two years or even less and not his cute big bro? Puck got it, but still…

"Hummel," Puck shook his head. "It's 'cause you _judge_ people. Like the gay people are always better and more deserving of Hummel's compassion than the straight people. Like Karofsky that used to throw you around, you still came up to him even before the suicide attempt and was all buddy-buddy until he fell in love with you, huh? And not to mention Smythe."

"He hated me before this, Puckerman," Sebastian reminded him. "Apparently, I was just a…_criminal chipmunk_. And still am. He's not taking to me. We're not fucking friends, but yes, Hummel, you do judge people. It's not a nice little habit. Better set yourself straight."

Kurt stood up. Rachel did too. And that was it. They left.

Puck didn't seem to care as much without Finn here to back him up or something. Smythe drank the chocolate milk. They stared at each other for a bit more and then Puck went back to eating oily fries and soggy sandwiches until he was so full he was gonna burst. Fuck. How did Finn eat all of this and wasn't like three hundred pounds overweight or something?

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><p>By the time that Puck was about to drive off after school to see Finn – shit, three or four days in the hospital, right? He was supposed to be awake, right? – There Hummel was, crossing his arms over his chest, looking down at his lap dully.<p>

Hummel was clinging onto him like he was the last thing left on the planet. Funny. He thought that Hummel wouldn't ever touch him if he was the last thing on the planet.

Fifty-three minutes just sitting there staring at Finn was what they were doing. Puck was staring back at Finn. In another sixteen minutes, he'd start grunting and Puck's heart would kinda melt, like he was in a date and some hot chick told him he looked amazing, except this was even better, because his best friend was actually moving his head. Finn's eyes opened up. Dammit. Chocolate? Mud? Dirt? Nothing can be as brown as those eyes when they opened up for the first time, staring back at him like they were, kinda light, and honey-coloured and beautiful. Fuck it. Fuck how gay that statement sounded. He didn't give two shits about that.

"Hey," Finn would chuckle, but the sound sounded crossed between a dying cat and a strangled dog, but fuck it, it also sounded like the best fucking music in the world. Because it was Finn's voice. Only Finn can say something stupid like that when he woke up four or five or whatever days from a fucking _suicide attempt_.

"You dork," Puck muttered. Dammit. It felt so good to talk to him again.

Hummel was suddenly a rose, well he looked like one with how much colour came back to his cheeks. Finn still looked like shit though. Puck touched his face – yeah, that was okay, that wasn't drop-dead freezing. It was sort of warm too – Finn pressed his head against Puck's fingers. Yeah. Puck guessed he was kinda warm too. Hummel was rubbing Finn's shoulder, like he was just getting adjusted to the fact that Finn's body temperature was good enough to play a part in the Titanic. Puck pressed his head against Finn's cheek. Finn shut his eyes. Stupid doofus must've thought it was nice.

"Puck." Finn called out that someone's-strangling-the-shit-out-of-me voice. "We're still friends, right?"

"Yeah, you loser." Puck called out. "Best of buds, right?"

Finn smiled. Maybe he needed to be reassured nothing really changed. Everything fucked changed. He tried to kill himself by hypo-fucking-thermia and then tried to pretend everything was _okay_. Everything was not _okay_. Hummel finally asked the question that Finn knew he was gonna be asked.

"Why?"

Finn didn't respond. He was actually shying away from Kurt right now, grabbing onto Puck's hand, and looking back up at him. "I don't know." Finn's voice was soft. "I don't know." His voice was shaking. Lies. All of them. Puck knew it too. Except he didn't say a word.

Puck pressed his head against Finn's cheek again. At least he can make that stupid kinda-uncertain smile press against his face again. Maybe, just maybe, they were gonna be _okay_.

* * *

><p><em>xo Peanut ButterSam_


	34. divulged thoughtless things

_look at me. forgetting to update! stupidity. it's because i'm writing a book. before you go ahead and say 'who the hell are you torturing' - it's a dark comedy-ish thing. xD. OH. I ALSO BOUGHT MY SISTER A 22 DOLLAR IPHONE CASE FROM ETSY AREN'T I A BEAUTIFUL SOUL OR AM I NOT A BEAUTIFUL SOUL_

_**pre-written note when writing said chapter**: There's a huge religious debate here for both atheism and any other kind of religion that believes in God. So…be very cautious. We're trudging on dangerous territory here! If you'll be offended. Back button is right there. _

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><p>34 – divulged thoughtless things<p>

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><p>Two days after Finn Hudson's suicide attempt, word spun along very quickly. Blaine Anderson was actually feeling sick about everything. He didn't visit Finn's bedside once, and he knew Puck was thankful for it. So was Kurt. He didn't want to have a big row with Kurt about this situation when everything that Kurt thought was normal was falling apart at the seams right then, but it didn't mean he didn't care. For the first time in a long while, Blaine trusted himself enough to remember directions (Blaine was awful at them so Kurt usually picked him up), now Sebastian did.<p>

He left a few minutes after six, meaning that when Sebastian got to his house, he'd be pissed that Blaine went off without him. They'd been cautious. Blaine's CD4 count was stable at 159 right now, but it was still low and Blaine still had AIDS, at least diagnostically speaking as he had two opportunist infections and a CD4 count below 250. For once in his life, his Mother even asked him if he ate anything. He did, and for once in a long time, he enjoyed it. Mostly because his Mother made it for him, delicious egg salad sandwiches and little one-inch pancakes that Blaine was eating from his lunch container when he drove. He drove really slowly, and his eyes never left the road as his hand wandered to pick off a tiny minuscule pancake out of the thirty-three he had in that specific container. He had more, but he was saving them for later. He can almost hear Kurt making a comment about him devouring food like he had nine stomachs but he really didn't care right then. It was his Mother's food and effort and it tasted really good.

Blaine was licking powdered sugar off his upper lip by the time he stopped by Finn's and Kurt's house. He took another one as Kurt raised an eyebrow at him, but Finn got in anyway. He knew Blaine must've made an effort considering that it took him about an hour to get to Finn's and Kurt's house. Finn was sitting beside him and had stolen one of his pancakes whilst Blaine didn't really mind. Of course, to Finn, it was mediocre food, but to Blaine, it was like eating warm memories of being six years old on a Sunday breakfast just before they headed off to church.

Church oddly made him think of Sebastian again, Sebastian's thought of being condemned to Hell. Blaine swallowed the lump in his throat. Sebastian had given him a lot of spiritualistic things to think about, but that one just plain _hurt_ to think about. The way Sebastian was looking at him, so certain, someone so involved in faith.

Blaine thought about it. Sebastian didn't kill himself, not because his Father didn't approve of it – his Father didn't approve of him being gay but that didn't mean that Sebastian was out kissing girls and pretending because in Sebastian's eyes, lying was more of a sin. Sebastian was direct, not because he thought it would make him sound amazing, but because lying was a horrible sin. As far as he knew, Sebastian had a paranormal connection with _Kurt_, almost a spiritual one. So did Finn. Kurt told him about the grilled cheesus thing but if Finn did lose his faith and religion, then it must be the fact that the paranormal didn't give up on Finn. That was weird. Was Finn important to the paranormal then? Or was Finn's faith really subjected in ways that Blaine couldn't decipher?

Sebastian didn't kill himself not because his Father disapproved. It was more because suicide was a sin too, yet Sebastian didn't judge anyone who did it. Not Finn. He went as far as being defensive. Not Karofsky. He defended him as well. Did Sebastian think he was condemned to Hell more for his sexuality than for his actions? Then again, he said that Blaine's sexuality sin was going to be purged in Purgatory.

"You're thinking."

Blaine looked at Finn, and then back at the road. Finn then said. "Like…you purse your lower lip inward when you're thinking."

Blaine was blushing now, as that was exactly what he was doing. Finn switched the radio station to station and settled on Coldplay. Finn was very good at making and noting observations but did that have any other meaning behind it? Finn noticed little things, but Sebastian didn't. Sebastian was more of look-at-the-big-picture-and-there's-just-a-few-important-details-in-the-fuzzy-background, like the watch, or Blaine's eyes or hair, but it was like Finn's brain was hotwired to notice _everything_. That, itself, made Finn a special kind of smart.

Blaine tried to focus on other things though. Glee Club. And he performed a quick impromptu performance with Mike and Brittany with _You Should Be Dancing_. That felt amazing, just being able to move like that again. Kurt wasn't talking much to him again. Then everyone said that Disco sucked and practically made Blaine's day just a bit worse than it was.

He was just about to leave the stage when Sebastian came forward. Kurt was packing up slower than usual, staring at them both. Sebastian then met with Kurt's eyes. "Why do you believe that there is no God?"

Kurt sighed irrationally. Apparently, this was enough to make the other Gleeks look back at them. "My Mother was taken away from me when I was nine. I prayed for her to get better but she—"

"That's a _lie_." Sebastian spotted it out quickly before Kurt said another word. Blaine was actually shocked by Sebastian's certainty when he spoke. Blaine sat on the stage ledge, looking at them both with interest, almost as if they were two radioactive particles just waiting to explode.

Kurt took a deep breath. "God can do anything. Or that's from my understanding, right?"

Sebastian slowly nodded his head. Kurt then smiled in a sick sort of way. "Can he create something that is so heavy that even he, himself, cannot lift it? Can he create another omnipotent being? Because the idea of _God_ is very _self-contradictory." _

Sebastian just dropped his hand to his side. "_Everything_ happens for a reason. Ever heard of that statement, Hummel?"

"I believe in it." Kurt responded after a moment, arms wrapped around his chest.

"Then you are _self-contradictory_," Sebastian was looking sickeningly self-righteous right then. "Everything that happens is caused by something that happened before it. Either the reasons are infinite, or it stops with the first thing that caused it but it's _impossible_ to have an _infinite_ number of reasons. Everything happens for _a_ reason aka _one_ reason. We are that 'everything' and God is _the reason_."

"Really? God made me gay and then he said that I can't be gay?" Kurt was staring at Sebastian now.

"There is no first cause. In the number line, in Maths, there is an infinite number, positive and negative. _Where_ does it start?" Kurt reminded him. Blaine thought that Sebastian and Kurt were looking dangerously close to scholars at this point. "Besides, I thought the world was based on science and facts and—"

Sebastian pointed to Blaine. Now, Blaine wanted to hide. "The double-slit experiment." Sebastian said those words. "Can scientists explain that? Can anyone explain someone coming back from the dead after they died? They are _miracles_. There are _exceptions_. Not everything can be proved, Hummel."

"Explain to me one thing you can't prove that it exists." Kurt explained.

Sebastian slapped Kurt. Kurt was shocked, holding his cheek in his hand. Sebastian suddenly crossed his arms around his chest. "What do you feel?"

"Pain." Kurt growled in a low voice.

"Okay. Prove to me the existence of pain. Right fucking now." Sebastian was demanding of Kurt. "Can you explain the word pain without using the word pain again in a sentence?"

Kurt looked back at Sebastian, suddenly looking a lot impressed by Sebastian's action. "I can't."

"There you go. That's how I know a _God_ exists. There's something in this world called _intuition_. Where does that come from? A paranormal source," Sebastian gestured to his body. "God is everywhere in everything, in the world, in you, in me. There's something in this world called _evolution_. If we were actually put on this Earth from some _big bang_ then evolution won't be possible. We'd still be stuck on the same principles we were on before. Evolution is just another way of stating the laws of physics are changing. _Someone's_ changing them, aren't they?"

"But my Mother—"

"Will you stop?" Sebastian stared back at Kurt. "Okay. Because of God, you exist. You have a family. Didn't he give you one right now? Didn't he give you so much you take for granted? Just the mere process of existing is enough to thank God for. This is _ungratefulness_, Hummel. Hey. Maybe in another universe, you're just some paramecium, but God has been so generous to you that he's given you _this_. The Bible was written so long ago, before the _evolution_, but we _adapted_. Things that were unnatural are now _natural_. Being gay has become something natural. I don't think God can punish us for _that_ and if he does, I think it's Purgatory ad you'll be in Heaven. That's why there are churches and masses for gay people too. When we were kids, we all searched for a reason. We all knew we were here for a reason. To be tested. God loves us. If God didn't love us then why was there ever an Adam and Eve? Why bother? He listened to your prayers. By God, I know He must have, but He had to take her away but we have an afterlife. That in itself is just proof that God loves us enough but like children, the bad ones have to be punished. The good ones rewarded."

Kurt stopped to stare at Sebastian as if he was trying to find something in those beautiful eyes. He was completely shocked by Sebastian's long speech and Blaine was just staring at him.

Sebastian was finally about to leave when Blaine finally stepped out from the stage, hurrying to Sebastian's side and clutching his arm. Sebastian stared back at Blaine. Blaine knew in that moment, just that moment – as he pressed his lips against Sebastian's that if there was faith, then Blaine Anderson could only find it in one person, one person that had fallen in love with him and made Blaine feel more human than he had in a long time.

Maybe it took a fraction of a second for Blaine to realise he was in a different world – all of this was happening in seconds but to Blaine, it was hours, opening his eyes and finding himself standing near that tree, that birch tree, with those lilies. Maybe if he stared back in the distance, he can hear laughter, and maybe if he squinted or looked hard enough, he'd find happiness. Blaine would find his own happiness, in just one simple kiss. Blaine pulled himself away, staring back at Sebastian whom looked like he tasted heaven.

Blaine was about to say something when Sebastian's finger entwined into Blaine's hair.

"Lilies."

Blaine's eyes glittered as euphoria exploded through him as if he'd ingested every single positive emotion in that very second. Maybe Kurt was glaring at him. Maybe everyone was glaring at him, but Blaine really couldn't care because in his eyes, only two people were alive in this beautiful, fleeting moment. "Lilies."

* * *

><p><em><strong>pre-written note #<strong>2: AH. The Seblaine in this story almost makes me want to ship them, but I don't ship Seblaine that much. I drank a bit of Alpro soy milk. Really? 250ml is barely anything and it's about 110kcal. Not fun. Not fun at all. I can drink like 600-700ml without realising it then because it is the most delicious thing in the world and I want to die whenever I taste it –dies- and YES. my Dad got me soymilk (I'm trying very hard not to go downstairs and drink like 200 more calories of it) so Warbler sex party until then! Besides, it's 5:29AM (yes, I haven't slept yet. Sammy! What are you doing?) x always, always, always, Sam. :'o _

_this was pre-written before Ramadan. now, i'm drinking the most delicious chai latte ever! (some peopel call it chai tea and my sister's so annoyed because in Arabic, chai means 'tea' so you're basically calling it 'tea tea'...anyway! ciao!)_

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	35. travelling in the dark

_today, my pact of eating well and healthy in Ramadan was broken by a mini pizza and three veggie kebabs. FFFFFFFFFF. okay. so i broke it at about three hours from when i decided i should be more healthy despite the fact that i only eat shit during Ramadan. i have a bunch of nuts in front of me and candy but i'm not interested. FFFFFFFF WHY DO THE FRIED VEGGIE KEBABS AND MINI PIZZAS MADE WITH YUMMY FRESH TOMATO SAUCE ALWAYS GET TO ME. just think of the 196kcal things FFFFFFFF._

_to **daisy head**, yeah, i don't agree with some either, but then again, i wanted to show all equal sides just so it wasn't biased ^_^. i hate it when i'm even slightly biased in my work. if it's written in Kurt's thought process, i'd probably lean it more athiest-like thinking but because it's mostly Bas' mindset and it's written in Bas' perspective more than anyone else, it's more leaning towards religious. FFFFFFFFFFF I LOVE BAS IN EVERY WAY AS WELL. why why why do you do this to me also, i missed you too :). __to **PenMagic**, YES IM BACK. I DIDNT KNOW I WAS ON A BREAK UNTIL I REALISED I WAS ON A BREAK. blame the peanut butter. there isn't any. i was uninspired without peanut butter. (ignore the comment before). i can eat 500 calories of peanut butter and never really know :P. _

_**pre-written note**: Oops. I made meeting Wade after the Santana/Finn/Mercedes confrontation. Don't dwell on it! After all, it is fanfiction. I'm just too lazy to change it and besides, it's not important which happens after/before as long as it happens, right? ;o__  
><em>

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><p>35 – travelling in the dark<p>

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><p>Kurt Hummel was standing beside the doorway, watching Finn wash up. It took a while to realise Finn wasn't smiling. Finn didn't smile anymore. It was worrying him to no end. Will thought that bringing up Finn's future might make him feel happier, maybe give him options and motivations but all it had done was make his skin look paler and eyes bleaker.<p>

_Finn_ was staring back at himself. "_He's really sad and dead_."

Kurt curled his lower lip inward when he heard the 'dead' part, his heart thudding quickly. Yesterday had been horrid, with Sebastian and Blaine kissing right in front of his eyes, but then again, there was that twinkle in Blaine's eyes when he pulled away, something that Blaine had in his eyes when he woke up from a dream. Blaine was sick. He can't do this to him. His love for Blaine was making him not think as straight as he wanted to, and that was okay for now, as long as Blaine was happy, maybe it was all for the good.

Then there was Sebastian. He didn't think he'd ever seen Sebastian look like he was in a daze, like a love daze, somewhat spiralling someone. It hurt. Fuck, did it hurt. Everything in Kurt was just hurt, and nothing more. The thoughts of Elizabeth being killed by Nathalie was still making him hate Sebastian more and more, but this time, Kurt didn't fight at all – not clean, not dirty, just not at all. He was letting Sebastian take Blaine. Kurt didn't think he wanted him, but he did. He wanted his Blaine, not this doubtful one that just slept with Sebastian twice – alcohol wouldn't really mean anything. They slept with each other – twice. Kurt and Blaine hadn't touched each other twice. Sometimes, Kurt wondered why he wasn't lovable. Sometimes, he just wanted to hurt Blaine. Sometimes, Blaine would look sick again and Kurt would want to say something but he would stay silent in fear that when he did say something, it will somehow manifest into screaming and anger.

He can't seem to look at his Father. He was just happy that the world was bent on focusing on Finn, and to be honest, Kurt thought he was losing Finn more and more as the days were passing, almost as if a little part of him was dying every time he went to bed and every time he woke up.

What did Finn _see_? What did Finn _know_?

Kurt wasn't stupid. He stayed behind just a bit, spying every chance he got. The fact that Will had told Finn to try and find a song from the Saturday Night Fever album made Kurt's stomach churn, because the boy just got out of a suicide attempt. He might not have even lived after that day, yet Will was trying to get him to see some positivity. Finn promptly pretended to care, and then left without a second thought. Kurt looked back at his brother, whom seemed to have fallen apart and was the walking dead amongst everyone else.

Kurt's hands were shaking as Will walked outside and stared at Kurt, almost knowingly that Finn might just pick any song, sing and pretend. Or he might not even try. Finn wasn't trying at all. It was like life had become passive and he lived it through 'what did it all mean?' stance that he was. _Finn_ was making Kurt worry even more, just that existence showed that Kurt can help Finn. Kurt had to be the one to help him, else why would he see _Finn_? It was the guilt, the guilt that _Finn_ had projected the coldness. It was _Finn_ who suggested they go into the store. Kurt whom followed and was met by his unconscious frozen stepbrother on the ground.

As Kurt watched Finn leave, Kurt turned around and was met by Sebastian Smythe, whom was staring down at Kurt with hard eyes. "What do you want?" Kurt hissed.

It took a moment for Kurt to process what was going to happen next. Sebastian was pulling something out of his bag and had given it to Kurt. Kurt looked down and his eyes suddenly welled up. He suddenly remembered his Mother's cracked mug, because Sebastian had given him just one piece, one crack. It was dark maroon red, and was supposed to fit in the pristine mug where a heart was supposed to be.

"You gave my _heart_," Kurt didn't realise how much of a joke that was until he said it and a small smile had formed on his lips.

_"Kurtie!" Kurt_ had exclaimed. "_Kurtie, Sebastian wants to show you how much he loves you_!"

Kurt had stared up at Sebastian whom was leaning down and placing a very soft, almost brotherly kiss on his forehead. "Blaine told me you're beautiful." Sebastian muttered under his breath and Kurt had suddenly remembered…

_"Before I transferred to McKinley, during the Karofsky situation, er…" Kurt's voice drifted off and then nodded towards Blaine, playing with the pencil in front of him as if he can't bear to see what Blaine's face would snap into, but his eyes led back to Blaine's even through the tentativeness. "My Dad called a meeting with him and Dave and Dave's Father and it all…well, it kind of worked out better than I expected, so I'm…just hoping it's the same? Crazy right?"_

_Blaine's voice was soft. _

_"You are so beautiful."_

The thing that started all of this. Kurt looked back up at Sebastian whom was staring at him with intrigue, almost as if he was deciphering everything. Kurt looked down. "If I hadn't have met Blaine, I wouldn't be swooned enough to call your Father, thus you probably would be with your lying, plastic family." Kurt didn't care that he'd just insulted Sebastian's family, but Sebastian was looking at him with amused eyes.

"If you hadn't met Blaine," Sebastian's voice was thick. "Then I would have nothing to fight for."

Kurt was stunned as he watched Sebastian leave. Kurt suddenly looked down at his hand, which were marred by blood. He didn't feel very beautiful. If beauty was skin deep, he was still fucked, with his lack of hair care routine and his blue eyes which he thought were far too cold and sinister sometimes. He looked down at _Finn_, whom was looking away from Kurt's face as if he was dispatching the theory.

In the far off distance, he can hear _Kurt's_ cry. "_No, Kurtie! We're beautiful people! Pretty! You're so pretty_!"

Kurt looked down at his hand. It took him a moment to realise he'd been clutching the maroon mug crack way too tightly and had actually hurt himself. That was odd. The physical pain was a mockery next to the hot, fresh searing jolting emotional pain that only hoped to make Kurt want to curl up into a ball and cry himself to death.

_Finn_ was staring at Kurt. "_Kill them. Just kill them all,_" his voice was soft. "_I never loved you_."

A few days later, Kurt and Mercedes would be talking and this boy would walk up to them. The African-American would suddenly chirp in glee and admiration, telling them that he was their biggest fan and he'd seen every one of their performances. Sudden flattery beamed into Kurt's eyes, but only for that moment, and then he said he boycotted West Side Story because they weren't the leads. When he spoke about Vocal Adrenaline, little _Finn_ just started to cross his arms over his chest, and his big brown eyes would hard into anger. It took a moment for Kurt to realise that anger was manifesting in him too.

No.

_Kurt_ took away Sebastian's emotions. _Finn_ gave Kurt his. When _Finn_ was around, Kurt was literally going insane with anger, pain and ridicule. It made Kurt realise either one of two things: either _Finn_ was _not_ from the same place that _Kurt_ was, or the real Finn might have felt this before, somehow, someway and Kurt had been powerless to do anything about it.

As Wade talked about transsexuality, _Finn_ spoke_. "That's how people know."_ Kurt looked down at the hallucination, making it seem as if he was inspecting shoes for a bit, before looking back up at Wade. _Finn_ continued to speak. "_This universe Wade might've been born as a girl but in every other universe; he'd be a girl so he'd know! That happens in a lot of universes. Like for you. You are really a girl in other universes too, so it's really natural for you to like guys, so that's why it's not a sin too, besides the whole evolution thing…"_

Wait. Then what was _Kurt_? Kurt was thinking. _Kurt_ was definitely a male.

_Finn_ suddenly explained that for him. "Kurt_ and I are not from completely other universes, we're more of past projections! That's why _Kurt_ shares memories with you_ _because he was technically you. It shows how you'd react in this world if you were what you were when you were a kid. You'd actually like Sebastian and hate Blaine. It's just that way. There's another word for that…"_

Kurt looked down at _Finn_, whom was looking down at his little brown shoes too. Then he explained. "_Oh! Fate_!"

_Finn_ sniffed_. "Bad things really happen a lot because people cheat with Fate a lot, so she gets back at them and she's really angry and stuff. I think that's why Sebastian's Dad disowned him. Fate got really angry, so she played it out her way. Sebastian wasn't supposed to really love Blaine, but he did. Humans do that sometimes. He was kinda supposed to meet you at your first violin practice, but you decided to ditch that because something happened I guess—"_

_—I thought violin would ruin my nails—_

_"Yeah! So Sebastian met Blaine instead and fell in love with Blaine."_ Kurt deciphered that whole story up again and this time, his head was swimming. It meant that he was the definite cause of Sebastian being disowned, in more than one way. He'd been angry at Blaine for something he'd indirectly caused. He'd been angry at Sebastian for something he'd indirectly created. That was odd. Ironic even. Kurt then realised another aspect. Nathalie. She cheated Fate, too. She got between true love and created false and fake love, and killed someone in the process.

Fate might not be a bad person after all either, because Finn was still alive, barely, but he was breathing. That might be enough. Except it wasn't. Except Kurt felt greedy.

"Kurt's sorta out of it." Mercedes explained.

Why did Finn kill himself?

He had never thought of asking the hallucination, but _Finn_ was pursing his lower lip. "_Because he remembers," _hewhispered, as he disappeared out of nowhere. Remembered? Remembered what? Kurt suddenly thought of a temporary solution to find his answers. He suddenly turned to Wade and they agreed that it was a bad idea. Glee was a mass of plexi-glass dance floor and Mercedes singing Inferno.

At home, Kurt found the band that Afesat had made and had worn it, waiting for it to glow amethyst as he slid into slumber. His door was locked. His air conditioner was on, making sounds. All his Father would think was that he was asleep earlier than usual on this particular weekend. Kurt was falling deep into slumber…and when his eyes snapped wide, he was in a different world. With Kurt and Sebastian, the world was kind of sweet, but this world was harsh. The house was familiar, small and quaint. It was small. It was painful to look at, housing a thousand memories Kurt shouldn't be allowed to see. It took Kurt a moment to realise where he really was. He'd been here before.

It took a few moments for Kurt to see the little Finn. This world had become clear. This world was Finn Hudson's very deep subconscious memories.

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><p><em>in theory, only about 9 more chappies left then epilogue! if i update every day, this will end mid-August. omgosh. i'm not ready.<em>

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	36. the rhyme and reason

_to **daisy head** (i almost wrote 'dairy head' and went all like: well, Sammy, why aren't you so sweet), YES. Kurt sees -_Finn_- but hears -_Kurt_-. Kurt can enter the world because of a device Afesat made. i forgot which chapter do I explain that they're trying to 'fix' everything so according to what Kurt said (i'm sure Kurt said that), that they were going to build something that can make them see into the actual world instead of a fragment (like Kurt). :) Kurt...well, he begins to psychopathically analyse why he can/can't see/hear _Finn/Kurt_, so... ;) and i can't laugh and point at you. that'll be hypocritical since my head is like WOOOOOOSHWATERFALLSEBLAINEKU RTBASTIANKLAINETHEBOXSCENEWH AT. _

* * *

><p>36 – the rhyme and reason<p>

* * *

><p>Being in Finn's subconscious memory made Kurt feel strange, almost as if he was expecting something big to happen, but up until now, it was just tiny little scrawny Finn, except this time he wasn't noticing Kurt. He can't notice Kurt. This was beyond <em>Finn<em>. This was a projection of memories he can't talk to, that he can only observe from a far off distance. He knew it must've been real. It was mere intuition. Now, Kurt was thinking of Sebastian again. His idea of intuition and the idea of Fate. He didn't need any validation that this was Finn's subconscious memory, he just knew – making him reflect.

There was poor validation that there was a God, but at least now Kurt understood it for the fact that maybe _no_ validation was required. It was built-in, or supposedly it was supposed to be. Kurt turned to stare at the small child that was eating a huge bowl of Frosted Flakes with a tonne of milk and five pieces of buttered toast and found himself smiling. Even back that, the scrawny childish Finn had a raging love for food. Finn had of actually appreciating the food. It was hard to get Finn out of concentration when he was eating, almost as if he was deciphering the flavour in his mind – Kurt would never know, but he'd finish a bite before Kurt can even ask anything, even now.

Finn dropped the spoon when he heard something, and looked around silently. Kurt's stomach dropped because the look on Finn's face was nearly traumatic, hearing something normal ears wouldn't be able to hear, attentive, and cautious. Finn looked nervously from the doorway to the plate, and picked up a piece of toast hungrily, but this time, his concentration was more towards his environment as the hungry boy ate his toast so slowly, and so silently that Kurt swore he can hear a pin drop if it would ever come to it.

Finn looked past his bowl, and then his Mother would walk inside, and Finn's smile would appear, but it was faltering, almost as if Finn was still half-cautious. Kurt then realised that only explained why Finn noticed little details, because he _had_ to as a child. For some reason, Finn had to notice the little things. He had to see and hear things other people didn't. Finn heard a tip-tap rhythm of shoes, and relaxed slightly, apparently that wasn't the person or thing that Finn was looking out for.

"Finnegan, don't spill your chocolate milk on your trousers, honey. They're new." She warned him, as she herself had gotten a few eggs out of a fridge. "Do you want me to make you an omelette, Finn?"

Almost as if she was blind to the amount of food he was already consuming or almost as if Finn had nine stomachs, he nodded his head intently. Now, Kurt was thinking. Did Finn heat up a bowl of milk – Kurt knew Finn always liked his milk warm with cereal – and pop up a few slices of toast all by himself? Of course, they were menial tasks, but because of Finn's height, he'd have to stand on chairs and have to operate machinery and equipment. What small child knew how to operate a microwave was beyond Kurt's area of knowledge.

Kurt noticed that Finn was very immobile, as if the slightest excess movement would cause his body to shut down on him. He went back to being attentive. Kurt then deciphered it. Finn seemed to be focused on 'one thing at a time' but he was actually focused on everything, such as eating, such as the environment, such as Carole. Kurt can almost feel the little boy's anxiety just by seeing the big, brown eyes. Kurt would sit down beside him. It didn't tamper with the memory at all, because nobody noticed anything was out of place, except for the fact that it was helping Kurt because his feet were killing him.

When she settled the eggs in front of them, Finn dove right into it and was then again, blocking out whilst being still so attentive of the world around him, two opposite things becoming. Actually, it was just like Sebastian's drawing – he would block out the world when he drew, but was attentive of what he was drawing. With Finn, it was like he was blocking out the world, whilst still being attentive of certain aspects of the world, things that Finn was looking for. What was Finn currently looking for when he told him that Blaine was thinking? Finn noticed bodily movements, physical characteristics. These were things that made Kurt confused now.

It would mean that he knew that Quinn was lying simply based on mere body language, then why would he believe her? Now, it was just a battle of denial.

Finn's dismay erupted when Carole had disappeared to go to work after giving him a kiss on the forehead and saying something about spare money if he wanted to buy any food to just ask his Father. Finn's complete body language changed when he was around his Father. Then Kurt noticed – he noticed things when he was looking for them, Finn's fear, the bruising on his neck, the dark red cuts that were just below the ankle, and the paleness that he turned to when he saw his Father.

Kurt didn't need any more clarification or validation. Finn was attentive because he _had_ to be, because he wanted to know how many more minutes he can spend being safe whilst still attentive that it may not last, two conflicting actions. Kurt would watch through newly attentive eyes as Finn would tense up near that man, eat slowly, almost too slowly – was this what Finn remembered? Had he forgotten this? He was a child. He wouldn't have remembered this in ten years' time. It would be a blur, just nothing more than…

_Intuition_, that was the need to pay attention still persistent, even if Finn didn't know what he was looking for, just that when it came he had to be ready for it. Maybe that was why football or Glee was a strong suit. In football, he noticed little things that helped him with the game, and in Glee, he would sing and sing until he found whatever it was he was looking for – usually an answer.

That was all so strange, Kurt finally realised. Then he realised it was probably because Finn must've known then, by Quinn's body language the first time when she told him that she was pregnant. He probably didn't know that a girl can't get pregnant by a hot tub, but he would spot out when she lied. That was too strange. The day went by smoothly, silently. Everything was so quiet that it made Kurt feel sick.

Then Finn accidentally broke something. Now, he was looking petrified, his eyes looking here and there. "Dad, please, don't!"

"Kill you. I'll kill both you and your Mother, what did I tell you, boy?"

That was more than a little harsh for a child that had just broken something. Now, Finn was running, running and hiding.

"No, Dad, don't! You're really sick! You're sick! You're sick!" it took a while for Kurt to realise that he'd heard this before..

_"Kurt, please, don't!" the hallucination was crying._

Kurt shut his eyes… "_Kill them," _Finn_ would whisper._

_"KILL THEM. ALL OF THEM." _Finn_ screamed, and now, tears were filling his eyes too. Kurt's arms were wide, and Finn curled up into them._

Kurt_ was now full-on screaming. "No! Kurt, don't! Finn is really bad! Finn is sick. Finn is sick!" Kurt was warning him, his eyes wide with alarm. _

The memory Finn was dropping to his knees, now, cupping his head into his hands. "Please help me. I'm really good. I'm really, really good. Just help me. Just…believe me. Save me now." It took a while for Kurt to realise Finn was praying in that innocent way of his, trying to block out the word by not seeing anything because if he saw something, he'd be cautious again.

"I'll kill the both of you," the man gruffly said.

Kurt knew what was coming next from memory… Finn_ was staring at Kurt. "Kill them. Just kill them all," his voice was soft. "I never loved you." _

That. Finn now remembered all of _that_.

Kurt didn't realise he was back in his real world until he realised that he was staring at a ceiling for twenty minutes. He pulled off the band, almost flinching as he did as he pulled himself out of the room, except the band was glowing again. Kurt tried to decipher the new cherry red colour. All he really had to do was touch it, like a child allured by new things before he found himself somewhere else again. This time, he heard a beautiful laugh. Kurt didn't know why it was so beautiful. It was just another laugh.

Then he was staring straight into the face of his Mother. This wasn't his memory. This was definitely someone else's. It took a while for him to realise that he'd never seen his Mother so happy before. He'd seen pictures and videos of her laughing but not like this. Never so…young, so beautiful, so vibrant, so invincible, so amazing. Kurt was swooned until he realised that she was clutching a hand and then he was staring into something unreadable, someone else who looked like he was on top of the world and nothing can weigh him down.

In that one moment, Kurt Hummel realised that Jean Smythe wasn't always so cold. In that moment, Kurt Hummel realised that Jean Smythe was the only reason a genuine smile would be plastered on her face, and in that moment, Kurt suddenly felt wrong for being born to the wrong couple, as Jean and Nathalie's lips enclosed in dark secrecy. It took a moment for Kurt to realise that Nathalie was staring at them, and her eyes were nothing more than cold contempt.

* * *

><p><em>xo Peanut ButterSam_


	37. déjà vu

_to **HPgirlKHfanGleek**, Kurt wanted to understand what Finn did and why Finn tried to kill himself, so he used the device from Afesat to plunge himself into the world where -_Finn_- (the hallucination Finn) comes from and realised he didn't come from just another universe, he came from Finn's deep subconscious which is memories. :) so yes, you got the gist of it. Kurt's in Finn's memory stream, and just after he got out, he was hit by another bolt and into another memory stream. Which was Jean's memories. _

_to **Carbon65, **you're so awesome you broke the internet. omgosh. how obvious do i make it that i absolutely despise a pairing called Finchel (i sort of accidentally just ingested toxic perfume fumes aka i have this habit of opening a sweetener packet and i just did, and i have a habit of stirring in the packet after i'm done with throwing in the artificial concoction in my coffee and then i just lick the packet DONT LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT and i forgot it was near my perfumes so i just licked a bout of cottonwood perfume. at least i have ceased having bad breath). ANYWAY. enough with my intoxicated body and the amount of carbohydrates surging through my skin, PEANUT BUTTER BALLS. i never had one of those. but i deeply am in love with peanut butter FFFFFF. some people say the associated the great source of fats and protein to meeeee. WHICH REMINDS ME. I HAD A JAR IN MY FRIDGE FOR LIKE A WEEK NOW AND I DIDNT TOUCH IT. maybe because its organic and not full of addictives so i get full off it fast and i cant eat the whole jar. and that was totally not my goal. i just wanted a good even field where you get to know a bit more about how faithful Sebastian is whilst not putting down Kurt's beliefs. (YOU SHOULD NOT HURT AT ALL). this is mindless drib drabble up until now. AND MY DAMAGED FINN. MY ABUSED FINN. I ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO TORTURE FINN IN STORIES THAT SHOULDNT EVEN HAVE FINN BECAUSE I CAN. my Finn is an oxymoron. i always liked being cruel.  
><em>

_**current note**; i'm awfully depressed because my college had to bump me down an ENTIRE FREAKING YEAR because i was one percent down the guidelines. i mean the minimum is 90%. i got a 89.41% WITH MY IB DIPLOMA. and the bastards are like "yup. you don't fit requirements. back a year you go." WTF so update to cheer me up as i write sad Blangst fanfics and listen to sad music, realising that A YEAR. AN ENTIRE YEAR. FOR A BIT MORE THAN HALF A PERCENT BELOW. _

_**pre-written note before writing this chapter:**__I…I love this chapter. That's just nothing more to say. I loved writing it. I loved kind of sneaky copy/pasting things from other chapters. I loved everything about it. I'm quite proud of it to say the least. :'D MAYBE IN A FEW MORE CHAPTERS I CAN DRINK ALPRO SOYMILK RIGHT (current note: i drank all my soymilk. in three days.)_

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><p>37 – déjà vu<p>

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><p>"Are you going to leave him?"<p>

Maybe he asked that question all the time. Kurt can't tell from where he stood, paralysed by being disgusted by the infidelity, and horrible amazed by the sheer beauty of the love, kind of bringing out the best in both of them. Elizabeth would shake her head, and then Jean's fingers would wander to her side, pressing his head against her shoulder.

"Nathalie's pregnant again," she said it as a statement. "Is it a girl again?"

There was no contempt in her voice, just pain. He shook his head. "A boy." He said, smiling, almost in pride. He loved his children, had to, but maybe that all changed when she was killed.

"Joe's baby's a boy too." Of course, all Kurt can see was an indecent amount of pudge. Maybe his Mother wasn't one that showed very well until the end. Kurt had seen the pictures. He can't even tell his Mother was pregnant until the third trimester, making him almost wish he was a girl, knowing his figure wouldn't be drastically altered. "_Our_ baby's a boy too." She corrected breathlessly.

He kissed her again, but this one was even softer somewhat, more innocent. "Should I leave?" he asked, and there was some sort of hot pain in his eyes at the thought.

"Burt would be home in five hours. We have some time."

Jean nodded his head and then asked. "Why do you stay with him?" Kurt was wondering that too, as she chuckled.

"Because he's in love with me." She reminded him. Kurt can tell that too, from the pictures, from everything. "Because Kurt still sees him as his Father and I his Mother. Why do you still stay with Nathalie?"

"Because I didn't what was the difference between love and being in love."

Now, Kurt was snapped back to a completely different reality. Something he recognised. He recognised all of this. He was actually in a car Kurt had once recognised as Sebastian's. It took him a moment to note that Sebastian and Blaine were sitting beside each other. They were staring at each other. "I love you too, Bas," Blaine's voice would sound so much different than Kurt was used to, weak. "I'm just not in love with you…"

"_Why_!" Kurt wasn't expecting new, fresh hot tears to spring into Blaine's eyes, almost as if he wanted to be in love with him, to end his suffering. "I love you, Blaine. I fucking am _in love _with you. You're the only person I don't care if I cry in front of. The only one that I actually address with their first name. The only one I'd ever reach out to, okay? Okay, Blaine? That's how much you mean to me. _You_ _can't die_. You _can't_ die. Why don't you fucking love me?!"

_Die_? Kurt's heart was thudding. _Die_? It took a moment for Kurt to actually realise that they were both just holding onto each other now; crying like the world was fucking everything over.

"I love you."

Kurt's heart thudded at the acknowledgement. Sebastian was looking dangerously close to his Mother, vulnerable, in true and complete utter love that it hurt. It hurt because Blaine was looking at him in that apologetic look.

"Sebastian, please…"

Just like a lightning bolt, it flashed back to Jean and his Mother laughing on the couch. Her head pressed against her shoulder as Jean took a signature bite out of a chocolate square from the packet. His Mother had smacked his stomach. "Jean, you're getting awfully fat."

Actually, now, that Kurt was seeing it, the man was pudgy, with just a small amount of pudge. Kurt knew there was no way Jean had that right now. He didn't recall Jean's figure until now. He wasn't as thin as Sebastian but the man had a flat stomach to say the least. Jean was happy though, happy enough to not care about image or anything. That was the _opposite_ of the Smythe family now Kurt had noted. It was all about appearance, about maintaining it.

Kurt suddenly recognised the movie. _Cruel Intentions_.

"I'm not particularly fond of that Valmont child."

"I am," Elizabeth would pitch in. She looked at the man, pausing the movie. Kurt must've guessed they've seen it a thousand times right now. "You're having a boy? If you love me, you'll call him Sebastian."

"I would never." Jean's eyes would twinkle in slight humour as he turned to look at the movie. Kurt's stomach would coil, because he did. Now, he felt very sick, knowing that _his Mother_ of all people had given _Sebastian_ his name. They would kiss and Kurt would feel sick. There was almost slight relief when it flashed back to Sebastian and Blaine. He didn't know if Fate was trying to make a point here, as he was staring at Sebastian staring back at Blaine.

"I want to kiss you now," Sebastian whispered to Blaine.

"No," Blaine's voice was even lower, somehow. "Bas, I'm gonna get you sick—"

The laughter that erupted from Sebastian's throat suddenly made Kurt want to throw him into a mental ward. "Don't you get it, you idiot?" there was that humour in Sebastian's eyes, dangerously close to his love-struck Father. "I'd die too, you know. If you died, I might as well be dead."

"Promise me, Sebastian. You won't do anything stupid if I die_. Promise me_!" Blaine's voice was so full of care and love, but not the type of love that Sebastian was looking for.

"I fucking can't, Blaine!" Kurt was shocked when Blaine had slapped Sebastian for his response. Blaine's soft sobs were uncontrollable by now, as he trembled, with those hot tears running down his face. Blaine was a complete mess by now.

"Don't you dare fucking say that," Blaine's voice was breathless, as he panted.

There was just silent afterwards. Kurt thought that he should look for something, almost like Finn did. He found just pain, loud and clear, so loud that it was like a scream in the deafening silence. "What would I do without you?" Sebastian's voice was soft, but it rung through Kurt's ears…then it must've pierced through Blaine's.

"Everything."

Kurt let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. Sebastian would say a joke that would make him laugh, but it sounded more like a dying man trying to find humour in his parting from the world. They would drive. Kurt was pretty sure now; they were like Finn, trying to find what they were looking for. Sebastian might hope that Blaine would find out that what he always wanted was Sebastian. The rain would pour. Sebastian wasn't looking for rain. Blaine seemed to be, staring out, a weak smile would widen. "What are yo so happy about?"

Blaine's smile would be so wide that it was like he was being given candy. "I like it when it rains."

"Oh, don't tell me you're the type to want someone to just dance with you and kiss you in the rain."

Kurt can suddenly remember saying that to Blaine once, and his eyes lighting at the thought, agreeing with them. He can almost feel the love again, but it was full of pain. "I am."

Flashing back to his Mother sitting on the bathroom, naked, and now, Kurt was trying not to look. His cheeks riddled with a blush. That wasn't something he wanted to see. The water was running in the bathroom, suggesting that Jean was in there. His Mother was staring down at her nails, maroon red. "Jean! Your clothing!" she exclaimed as Jean walked out of the bathroom and thankfully with a towel around his waist, as he picked off the business suit, ready to play appearance again with a pressed shirt and silver buttons.

Jean leaned down to kiss Elizabeth, and just as he was about to leave, he almost knocked over something, causing Kurt's Mother to lean down and try and not to cause the contents to spill. "Do you want to break my mug again, Jean?"

"You still use that piece of crap?" Jean was laughing though, as he took the clothing in his hands and was about to leave.

"You got this to me from Italy."

Kurt's stomach was hurting. That was why the mug was so important then. That was why it mattered to her so much, because of who it was from. "Jean, will you show me the world one day?" she asked in such an innocent matter as he nodded his head.

"I promise I'll show you the world."

Kurt didn't want to look at this anymore. These promises that Jean was feeding to Elizabeth, Elizabeth had been feeding to Kurt. He remembered very little of it, but he knew that she used to promise to take him around to see the world. He disappeared in the bathroom. He shut the door and the water started to run again. His Mother leaned back down and then Nathalie suddenly stepped from the window, making Elizabeth yelp. Nathalie put her hand around Elizabeth's mouth.

It took a while for Kurt to realise that she was pulling a knife out, but there were tears in Nathalie's eyes. She placed the knife back into her purse but then pulled out a bottle of pills from the drawer. Jean Smythe. It was written on the bottle. She threw the pills into her hand and with a trembling hand, had thrown back into Elizabeth's mouth what must be eight pills. She choked. Nathalie took the mug of coffee, making Elizabeth sip bit by bit. Elizabeth stared back at her, shoulders trembling.

"I forgive you." Elizabeth whispered, in some sort of way that made Kurt's heart clench in his chest.

Nathalie disappeared off quickly afterwards. His Mother had pulled out a knife out of drawer, and was toying with it. Kurt remembered this. He used to play with knives as a child, so they kept them safe. Now, Elizabeth was drawing droplets from herself. Jean stepped out from the bathroom, all dressed. His eyes were wide, as he threw himself at her. "Beth! Beth!" He was shaking her. She would drop the knife from her hand.

"Jean…"

"Promise me. Promise me you won't do anything stupid."

_"Promise me, Sebastian. You won't do anything stupid if I die."_

Jean just brought her close. "Promise me." She repeated, not wavering off the subject.

_"Promise me!" Blaine's voice was so full of care and love, but not the type of love that Sebastian was looking for. _

"I love you," Jean whispered. "I love you, but I can't promise you…but I'll try. I promise I'll try. By God…his name is Sebastian, isn't it?" she smiled. Elizabeth would throw up the pills though. Not all of them. Her liver would fail they'd realise later.

_"I fucking can't, Blaine!"_

Kurt was suddenly shaking. Jean was sobbing as he held her body. Useless. Futile. He knew it was. He'd known how potent his own antidepressants were. Kurt stepped backward, as Jean cupped Elizabeth's cheek. Kurt didn't fight for Blaine though. He wasn't even sure if he was in love with Blaine, but Blaine was almost certain he was in love with him. In love enough to let him go when he'd hurt him.

_"I'd die too, you know. If you died, I might as well be dead."_

"I will never take these blasted things ever again!" Jean threw the bottle of pills across the room. They won't smash, or crack. Some would just fall from the unscrewed lid. Jean's hot, fresh tears were still spilling from his eyes. He just looked angry right now, angry at the world.

It would flash back to Sebastian and Blaine. Somehow, they'd be standing in the rain – dancing in the rain – and Kurt would stare at them.

"I'll take the meds," Sebastian tried to calm Blaine down. "Blaine."

Their lips would meet. Kurt's heart was thudding with the body-jolting rain as the two kissed. Kurt watched Sebastian throw Blaine back at the back of the car, and then shutting it. Kurt peered, watching Sebastian unbutton Blaine's shirt.

Kurt chucked sadly, as tears filled his eyes. He would watch his so-called 'friend' and his 'boyfriend' make love underneath the beat of the shattering rain.

"He'll show you the world, Blainey. He'll show you the world."

* * *

><p><em><strong>current note<strong>: in four days, i've burned my fingers at least three times. by not properly using a kettle. FFFFFF_

_Look at the angst there. The Sebklaine angst. Gosh. It pains me to write it. :'o the amount of Kurt hurt here is lovely. ^_^ xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	38. that boy that didn't

_to **HPgirlKHfanGleek**, don't we all want Kurt hurt. xD. to **PenMagic**, ohhhhh! i loaf you. and i'm glad you got it and YES i'm touching your feels. lets hope we do. theres another scene which i love so much thats coming up and i will die when i have to post it. i'll just be like 'READ IT. READ ALL OF IT AND COMMENT ON IT'. thank you, babe. to **sadiejane35**, it is crazy, right? to **Carbon65**, trippy!chapter. YES. thats exactly what i was doing, which is why i kept switching form Jelizabeth and Seblaine. ERUPT MY FANGIRL, but let your bowtie hold your feels. and damn. i didn't go downstairs today. to **daisy head**, oh, is Bas only in love with Blaine? ;o i hinted something before and you'll see what i'll do with it now. FFFFFF_

_**random note**: writing down your pen-names made me think: wait. if someone wants to reply to me, they'd say to eloquentfever. my pen-name is so strange and makes no sense and fffffffffffffff fevers arent fun. or eloquent. i just like the word 'eloquent' and 'fever'. why not xP_

_theres another note underneath all this drip drabble so..._

* * *

><p>38 – that boy that didn't<p>

* * *

><p>Sebastian Smythe was silent for most of the days, and did some mindless doodling in his room. By 'doodling', he meant drawing random things he didn't really understanding, things that made no sense to him. They had to be drawn regardless. He'd shifted his mind-set from drawing to doing his Physics homework.<p>

"Sebastian, your friend is here!"

Sebastian winced. "I don't have any friends, Andy!" he reminded her promptly, as he stood up. Maybe it was the Blaine and the knowledge that they were 'friends' was killing him. Sebastian opened the doorway to his room and then found Kurt Hummel standing there, looking as pale as a sheet.

"I think I understand." Kurt's voice was low, almost as if he was really trying to understand, rather than understanding.

"What heroin did you inject?" Sebastian snorted as Kurt shut the doorway to the room and then locked it. Sebastian raised an eyebrow, chuckling sadly.

"What are you going to do, Kurt? Come onto me? Have sex with me? What?"

"Say my name again."

"Kurt."

"Again."

"Kurt—" Sebastian missed when it had become a kissing fit between him and Kurt, when Kurt had pressed him up against the wall, his hands onto his shoulder as their lips entwined in some sort of beautiful acquisition. Kurt had a taste to him that was almost natural, that was almost beautiful. Sebastian pulled away. "What the fuck? Hummel?"

Kurt had pressed the band towards Sebastian. "Come with me."

"Why?"

"I can show you what we can't remember." Kurt muttered, as Sebastian raised an eyebrow, before Kurt laughed. The orb on the band would glow to a pastel pink colour. Kurt looked back up at Sebastian as Kurt grabbed onto Sebastian's hand. Last thing Sebastian remembered was cussing Kurt as he found himself back towards _Kurt_ and _Sebastian_.

"So, you're showing us another world?"

"Sebastian, this isn't another world we're tapping into. These Afesat idiots were making us tap into our _memories_." Sebastian raised his hand as the little _Sebastian_ and _Kurt_ laughed. _Kurt_ jumped up from his place, running up to Sebastian.

_"I told you I loved you. I told you I loveeeeeeed you!"_

Sebastian's mouth was open as he looked at Kurt. "What did you see?" Kurt smiled slightly, as he pointed to Sebastian's crotch, making him blush as deep as possible. Kurt hadn't quite ever seen Sebastian truly flush like he had just right then.

"Like it?"

Kurt rolled his eyes, but maintained a proper expression. "I saw you and Blaine. I saw my Mother and your Father. They were in love. In real love, Sebastian, not just like how Blaine loves you…like you love Blaine, that kind of beautiful love."

Sebastian looked back at Kurt, chuckling. "You think my love for Blaine is beautiful?"

"I think you're beautiful." It took a moment to realise that Kurt was referencing Blaine's words to him, as he looked down at his feet. Sebastian was actually smiling right now, not smirking, nothing more than a genuine, very soft and tentative smile. Kurt laid a hand on Sebastian's shoulder.

Sebastian's eyes hardened. "Are you my friend?"

Kurt nodded his head. "Good," Sebastian muttered as he leaned down, capturing Kurt's lips into a kiss. Kurt kissed back. Kurt was moving backwards, as he ended up on top of a swing with Sebastian's mouth still attacking his own. Kurt looked back up at Sebastian.

"It's Fate."

Sebastian must've understood. Kurt finally realised how it was like to block out the world, because _Kurt_ must be babbling. _Sebastian_ was fairly silent, but Kurt can't really hear anyone else. "Fate," Sebastian said in a nearly humorous tone. "What a whore."

"I made a friend today, Mother," Sebastian said in a nearly childish tone. They didn't need to remember a small past.

"I was supposed to meet you on a violin lesson that I cancelled because it'll ruin my nails."

"Really, Hummel?" Maybe Kurt missed what was going on, because they were back in Sebastian's room. It took a moment for Kurt to adjust to the setting around him, as he took another breath. "Sebastian?" he tentatively called out, seeing as the tall brunette was nowhere to be seen. He then heard more rummaging as Sebastian pulled out the instrument.

"Sebastian," Kurt whined. "My nails."

"Shut the frick up and stand up, Hummel. Your ass is widening my chair." Kurt glared at him as Sebastian made Kurt stand, putting the violin in proper position. "Hummel, stop squirming. We aren't fucking yet."

"Oh, so now that you've slept with Blaine when he wasn't drunk, you've claimed yourself over my ass?" it was almost natural, almost like nothing had changed when behind these doors, everything did change. Kurt's eyes were looking around Sebastian's room, noting the large amount of Christian Bale and Jesse Eisenberg posters hung up around the walls, along with Criminal Minds posters adorning just above Sebastian's Dell and a notebook full of drawings.

"Well, Hummel. I want to make sure you're not a prude," Sebastian muttered. "Why did you kiss me?"

Kurt shrugged.

"Hey. My violin. Don't break it or I'll smash your face in," Sebastian instructed. "Why the sudden kissing and complimenting and love? Just because you remembered when we were kids, you used to tell me that when we were older, we'd get married and everything will be alright? When my Dad will bring me over to your house and tell me that he had to discuss things with my Mom and we ate peanut butter out of a jar when we were kids?"

"You hate peanut butter."

Sebastian looked impressed with this. "I still ate myself sick of it, because you did. You liked it." Sebastian pressed his head against Kurt's head.

Kurt looked back up at him. "I don't remember."

Sebastian looked out at the wall. "I don't either. The…eh, hallucination told me." Kurt knew _Kurt_ wasn't a hallucination right now but they still referred to him as such. "Now, Hummel, stand up straight. Fucking Hell. Okay. You're a model. Now have the fucking same posture as one…"

When Kurt's posture was better, Sebastian placed the violin back in standard position, as he brought the fractional violin properly to Kurt's neck. "Okay. Hold it properly. This is my baby."

"What's it called?"

Sebastian smirked. "It's actually called Jaune."

"That's French for yellow." Kurt realised, as Sebastian dragged the bow across the strings, perfecting a G3. Kurt repeated that one, but Sebastian had emphasised on it again, fixing Kurt's posture again and then allowing Kurt to try the same pitch. "Dear Chanel, why is the bow so long? It has to be at least 20 inches."

"Twenty-nine inches," Sebastian said, as he rolled his eyes. "Yes, I'm quite aware Jaune is French for yellow."

"Why yellow?"

Sebastian stopped helping Kurt play for a bit. Kurt brought the violin to his side, and looked back at Sebastian, whom was looking down at the floor. "In Gaelic, Blaine means yellow."

Kurt looked back at Sebastian whom was looking down at his feet. Kurt embraced him tightly. "I kissed you because…my intuition told me it was the right thing to do."

Sebastian smiled weakly now. "Not because you find me sexy?" he smirked now, full-on smirking.

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Your arrogance is killing your so called 'sexiness'."

"Oh yeah?" this was more of Sebastian than Kurt had seen in a long time, as Sebastian slapped Kurt's ass. "You're acting like a child."

"Pardon?" Kurt's eyes widened in slight exaggeration. "Am I the one that have just slapped your rear in hopes that I may get laid?"

Sebastian shrugged as he took Kurt to the kitchen. Andrea raised an eyebrow. "Sebastian, what stupid thing are you doing this time?" Sebastian simply took a silvery spoon from the holder, and then picked up the object he wanted. Kurt suddenly felt giddy and excited, as he watched Sebastian unscrew the lid of _Jif_ and then take a large tablespoon of the chunky peanut butter.

"You're peripherally insane."

Sebastian pointed the peanut butter coated tablespoon to him and then pointed to the fridge. Suddenly, Kurt remembered that the one thing about Sebastian was that he didn't talk when food was in his mouth, so Kurt opened the fridge and realised that Sebastian wanted to join him into this insanity. "With nearly two hundred calories per two tablespoons—?" Sebastian shoved a tablespoon in Kurt's mouth.

Kurt rolled his eyes. "If I gain two pounds tonight…" he said in a sing-song voice as he pulled out a jar of his own and then picked off a tablespoon, starting to spoon from it. Andrea just shook her head and then left the two. Kurt was practically sick by the sixth tablespoon but still kept on going, with the ambition of finishing a whole jar.

"You are such a child," Kurt rolled his eyes, noting that Sebastian's lips were full of peanut butter.

"That's creepy. I grope people in their sleep." Sebastian raised an eyebrow. This came almost naturally, the response, the calmness, maybe. It was confusing to say the last. Kurt wasn't used to Sebastian being his friend and Sebastian definitely wasn't. "Are you going to kiss me because of intuition right now?"

Kurt shook his head. "I think I'm done kissing you because it'll just make us really confused."

"It was fun."

Kurt shrugged, and then took another tablespoon. This time, the stickiness was really getting to him and the thought of all those calories in his body weighed him down slightly. Kurt looked at Sebastian. "You lost a lot of weight."

Sebastian stared down at his feet and then the truth came out. "Blaine is really, really sick."

Kurt looked back up at Sebastian, almost as if that mere statement reminded him of Blaine. "I don't think he's going to live for more than a few months," Sebastian shrugged as if it was the most alright thing in the world, but his eyes said a different story, and he looked nearly nauseous. Sebastian looked down at Kurt. "Kurt…"

Sebastian's hands suddenly found Kurt's. Peanut butter jars left forgotten as Kurt put his own. Sebastian's eyes stared straight into Kurt's eyes.

"Blaine's HIV is full-blown AIDS right now."

Kurt stared back at Sebastian and then dissolved into tears, as Sebastian held Kurt as tightly as he could. They were shaking, bodies collapsing under the weight of the world. For the first time ever, Sebastian Smythe was holding Kurt Hummel as he cried. Sebastian Smythe did not cry. He was dried of tears for Blaine. Blaine wouldn't want him to cry for him right now. Kurt clung on just a bit tighter. Sebastian can spit out 'but his CD4 count is getting better' and 'but Blaine's not sick now' but that was false faith, false hope and right now, Sebastian didn't feel like feeding empty promise to a boy who had his promises broken one too many times.

Kurt Hummel would always remember the boy that didn't try to fill him full of emptiness and let him cry until the emptiness would disappear and there would be nothing else to say.

* * *

><p><em>note note note: WHY DOES SEBASTIAN HATE PEANUT BUTTER WHY also. i tried not to consume the entire peanut butter jar in one day. i really tried.<em>

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	39. the angel

_to **Carbon65**, Kurtbastian for my feels. i love how i'm trying to put a bit of every couple because feels. aweeee. i'm glad i broke your heart. does that make me sadistic? yes? no. of coures. and omgosh. how. how can you do that. no sugar added peanut butter has a GI index of 40~ thats good for you! and yoghurt. and vegetables. rice cakes have a really high GI. omfgosh. _

_to **PenMagic**, you're all Sebastians! leave me alone. i'll just be Kurt all on my own. BUT I LOAF YOU TOO. i'll check that out soon. omgosh. KURTBASTIAN. it's Kurtbastian. i know it because i'm an avid shipper at heart. intuition yes. Kurt's trying to drop it though when he said 'no more kissing because it'll confuse us'. how embarrassing. _

_to **HPgirlKHfanGleek**, i loaf you. you're the only sane one. i buy organic peanut butter made with sea salt and nobody cares if i eat all of it because i'm the only one that eats it! and the jars are so tiny that i can't eat all of it because it can be gone so fast and i love it and my feels. AND YES. LOTS OF KURTBASTIAN FEELS._

_**note**: i got my shipped shirts. it took about two months. what is this country that nobody knows. also, the amount of carbohydrates coming from unhealthy, useless crappy sugar i had today can send a diabetic into shock -cough-staresatCarbon65-cough-. i had a high-intensity workout to try and burn some of it off and feel asleep on my bed with the lights open and over my duvet. i think i need a better sleeping schedule. _

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><p>39 – the angel<p>

* * *

><p>Kurt Hummel would watch intently that morning as Finn moved. His movements were deemed slow, mechanical, as if every movement in his body was tedious and raw. Everything he'd seen before suddenly snapped in his eyes like a firework going off, uncontrollable and attention-grabbing images buzzing fuzzily through his brain as Kurt tried to pay attention to his tedious-tasting Cheerios, to no avail. He was suddenly eying Finn, whom was poking at one of the muffins to check for how moist or dry it was before taking a large bite out of the muffin. Kurt knew Finn was paying attention to Kurt's every movement, as if Kurt was paying attention to a cockroach.<p>

Finn was definitely staring back at Kurt, and then the most tentative smile would appear on his lips.

"I know."

Finn didn't need any more clarification as Kurt walked to him. "He was my Dad," Finn's voice was scratchy. Kurt was as attentive of Finn of the audience in the background – Carole and Burt, but he really didn't care and neither did Finn. Finn's eyes were full of hot, fresh tears. "Can I show you something?"

Kurt slowly nodded his head, as Finn threw off his shirt, taking Kurt's hand and then trailing down just a bit towards his stomach. If he didn't look hard enough, he would've completely missed the white scars that almost emulated stretchmarks. Had this where Finn's body issues had come from? Kurt looked at the silvery white scars, faded into skin. About twenty-eight of them from what Kurt can count. Kurt would chuckle sadly, and then throw off his shirts.

Finn raised an eyebrow. Kurt ran a finger down one of his stretchmarks. "It's not quite a memoir of a traumatic experience unless you count ice cream leaving its toil after ballooning during puberty then…"

Kurt didn't expect what was coming next as Finn took him into his arms. A few months ago, the thought of hugging a shirtless Finn was something of a dream, but now, it was sad, almost unfortunate and painful. "I figured out why you and Sebastian can see _Kurt_. Because you both have Daddy issues and a bunch of other things aren't as important but…uh, eh, both of you were…" Finn put a finger to Kurt's lips.

"Dude, I know all of this." Finn reminded him.

"Finn, did you know Quinn was lying?"

Finn nodded his head. "Like I really thought she was pregnant and I really thought I got her pregnant by the hot tub but I thought she was really guilty about cheating on me or something before, like…I can tell she was lying though. She puts her hand on her hips when she lies, or starts to tap her food and when you're tense, you start looking really mad. You also look really mad when you're sad. You have this kinda look you give when you're looking at your feet and I'd kinda just know."

Kurt smiled at Finn. "That's really smart."

Finn wore his shirt and Kurt followed him but somehow, clothing themselves was strange after the embrace they'd just shared. The embrace that was more brotherly love than they had in a while now. Kurt watched Finn look down. Finn looked back at Kurt's face. "It's not pretty," his voice was low.

"No," Kurt shook his head. "But I…I'm strong, aren't I?"

Finn smirked, as he pushed Kurt into a tackle down towards the ground. For once, Kurt didn't groan about how unprofessional this was and that he didn't understand 'the fun' of volunteering to be tackled to the ground for an insignificant ball but this time, Kurt was laughing, happy. Elated as Finn looked back down at him with that same happiness, that Kurt can't bear but feel as well, the same elation and glee. It was beautiful.

"Finn!"

Kurt realised that life was so much more than the pain weighing him down when he'd seen Carole smile for the first time in weeks and Burt just looking at him all proud and happy.

* * *

><p>As Kurt was sipping his tea, he'd noted that Burt was getting closer to him by the second. By the time that Kurt had sipped a fourth of the cup, Burt's hand finally found its way to Kurt's shoulder. Kurt stared back at his Father, his eyes kind of hollow and empty as he looked straight into his Father's soft ones. "Your Mother didn't kill herself, Kurt."<p>

That was all it took for Kurt to break down. "I wish she loved you as much as she loved him."

Burt's eyes filled also. His arms were tightly around Kurt. "Doesn't matter, kiddo," his hand ran through Kurt's chocolaty brown hair, as he let out a sob that was almost happy. "She loved you all the same."

Kurt didn't know how long he stayed in his Father's arms, but when he woke up, he was in bed again. Suddenly, he felt like he was seven again, being carried in bed by his Father. He used to think it was magical. Kurt smiled softly as he drifted off to bed. In the morning, Kurt walked downstairs in signature Hummel fashion – his tie-die scarf wrapped around his neck underneath a dark-coloured top and perfectly fitted sophisticated jeans. Kurt felt almost happy looking at himself in the mirror. It took a while for Kurt to realise that _Finn_ was gone, probably because _Finn's_ purpose was to show Kurt, remind him of Sebastian and make him why Finn was the way Finn was.

He felt sick Sebastian would have a much harder time letting go of _Kurt_, Kurt mused to himself knowingly. He'd seen the breakdown that Sebastian had when _Kurt_ was gone. _Kurt_ had almost become a part of Sebastian. That actually made sense to him now. _Kurt_ and _Sebastian_ used to be friends, didn't they? Some time ago, a long time ago…that _Kurt_ was back, even if that _Sebastian_ wasn't. Maybe they'd find each other again. Right now, Kurt hoped not to stumble across _Sebastian_ and get himself into a tight knot of events.

Kurt had gone off to school and then stopped when he realised that Sebastian was gesturing to him, silvery Swatch glinting with the tears that were forming in Sebastian's eyes. Sebastian had shut the room when Kurt walked in. The room was Mr Schue's office. Mr Schue locked it quickly afterwards. Kurt was about to say something but then he noticed just right then why Sebastian was a hot mess. Kurt can feel a fever on Blaine.

"What's wrong with him?"

"I don't know," Sebastian was still hurt though.

Mr Schue was obviously torn between Blaine and Sebastian right now. He had made Blaine lie down on his office couch as he pressed a hand through Blaine's hair. "It's just a fever, Sebastian—"

"No! It's never a fucking fever! And even if it fucking was, Blaine's fucking immune system is so freaking weak that even a stupid fever can kill him! This is stupid! This is stupid! This is so fucking stupid!" Sebastian was cupping his head in his hands as he sobbed quietly. Kurt placed a hand on Sebastian's shoulder as his own tears filled his eyes. Blaine was too restless, bloodshot eyes, and much too thin. If Kurt had thought Sebastian was losing weight at a rapid weight, then it was hilarious because even Sebastian looked fat next to Blaine. That should never, ever be _right_.

"I'll just go take him back home so he can come down. Mr Schue, can you take…take Blaine to the hospital?"

"I want to go too."

"Sebastian—"

"I want to go too," Sebastian whispered again.

Kurt didn't know why he'd given up but he did. Sebastian was losing everything he can ever care for, Blaine and his Father, the most two important people in his life. His Father that Kurt knew, according to Andrea, had been very silent and uncooperative of treatment. He knew he was going to die, and thought there was no point in the weakness that would result of chemo and prolonging it. Maybe if Kurt thought hard enough, he can remember Nathalie screaming, saying that they can hope.

"There is no hope for me, Nathalie. I am dead." Maybe Kurt can miss the glimmer in Jean's eyes. He was waiting for this. He was waiting to die, the natural way, be taken back to his lover, so they can laugh and watch movies…and see the world. Together. Like empty promises meant. Kurt was somewhat jealous, somewhat horrified, somewhat felt a little light – it almost made him believe in true love.

It was so stupid, taking Sebastian to his Father's room to get over Blaine's tragedy. Jean's hard brown eyes were looking at him. Andy was staring back at him with a soft smile. Lila remained innocent. John was just standing there, unresponsive. Kurt stood up and gestured to John to follow him and they ended up, somehow, somewhat, walking alongside of the hallway.

"How did you know that Sebastian had pneumonia? When Andrea called me, she said you told her it was pneumonia. Something that is hard to diagnose and you knew right away." Kurt finally inquired, suddenly attentive, reflecting on everything once again and trying to make sense of the puzzle. He was pulling out pieces he didn't know existed. Just when he thought the puzzle was complete, it was still empty.

Sebastian was standing there as well now and Kurt was cringing.

Sebastian looked at John and John just laughed. The laugh made Sebastian's mouth drop as in the empty hallway, John's skin shed, disappearing and Sebastian's heart thudded. "What are you?" Kurt hissed but Sebastian seemed to recognise the man.

"Preacher Gabriel?"

Gabriel smiled. "One of my forms, yes."

"Holy shit. A preacher's been watching me have sex with men for at least three years." Gabriel chuckled slightly, but his eyes were shiny. Actually, right now, to Sebastian, Gabriel was looking close to resembling Dumbledore. Sebastian was shaking his head. "Why are you…how are you…?"

"Brother, calm down."

"I'm not your brother! I'm your nephew or…" Sebastian was honestly confused right now but Gabriel put his hand up in the air, then cupped Sebastian's chin.

"There are many different versions of you, in different universes. What I've done, Sebastian, is simply harnessed my abilities from all of them. As a preacher, a Doctor, a surgeon, a Father…I come to you in many forms, but I've always been fascinated by children like you. Children that have this…existent faith, no matter what occurs in the world, they are always there to look up to God, to understand the existence of God. I helped you recognise that strength." Gabriel would explain.

"Why me?" Sebastian snapped. "I'm just an idiotic teenager."

Gabriel was smiling softly at Sebastian. "Einstein was just a man as well Sebastian, so was Darwin and Issac Newton. You underestimate the power of mortals. I…am a _mortal_. I have been named after an archangel because I've believed that God is strength. I have found my strength in God as you have, brother."

Sebastian was stunned. Kurt looked dangerously close to checking Gabriel in a mental asylum but with those wise, light eyes, Kurt couldn't bear to think of doing anything to the old man.

"I am the past, present and future. That is why I knew, Sebastian, that you had pneumonia. It is a part of me that was sent from the future just in time. In time, you learn that these universes come to your advantage, but only for the good. They can be lethal, dark and dangerous." Gabriel would explain but then pause to look at Kurt. "Your faith is flowering as well. You might not believe in God, but one does not have to believe in faith, in hope. What do you hope for?"

Kurt looked back at Gabriel with a pointed look. "…redemption."

Gabriel would smile. "And is not redemption a religious thing then?"

Kurt didn't respond to this, as he looked back at Sebastian and then back at Gabriel. "If…you can see the future, then what will happen to Blaine? Will he die?"

"I am forbidden to tell you."

"Why?"

Sebastian rolled his eyes. "Hummel, Butterfly effect. Did you not see Ashton Kutcher and Logan Lerman act that out for you?" he reminded him, rolling his eyes as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "If you know your fate, you'll try to change it, which means someone else suffers, you idiot."

Kurt rolled his eyes but Gabriel slowly nodded his head.

Andrea pulled herself out of the room. "Sebastian," her voice was soft. "Dad called you."

Sebastian didn't know why he was spiralling in anxiety. Maybe it was the fact that this was the same man who disowned him – "Sebastian," the man's voice was gruffly. Kurt still followed Sebastian. When Sebastian looked back, there was no Gabriel, just John standing there, as he grabbed onto Sebastian's wrist.

"We are here for you. God is here for you."

"I know. And I thank the Lord every day for that." He didn't know who 'we' were but it didn't matter. Sebastian nodded his head one last time and then just before he plunged himself into deep waters, he whispered. "I'm ready."

* * *

><p><em>xo Peanut ButterSam_


	40. comfort and discomfort

_to **PenMagic**, oh. i imade you love Seb due to this fanfic? HUZZAH. come have my mozzarella. its alright. MOAR PEANUT BUTTER FOR ME. omgosh. you'll hate me. there's so much Blangst at this chapter that i couldn't write it without some sort of heaviness in my chest. xP. enjoy?_

_to **blainekurtsebbritsan**, aweeee~ -hugs- and i'll read, don't worry, love. i'm glad you like it. and is it sadistic of me to say i'm glad you shed tears over my fanfiction? xD. also, if that's you in your display pic, then you have an amazing face shape and such luscious raven locks! _

_to **Carbon65**, 'an angel of sort'. yessss. that's the implication. the bow-tie can contain chills now too?! shit. that's revolutionary. redemption~! omgosh. you're a Type I? i had a friend that was a Type I. i love peanut butter and honey together so much i can ship them. duude. sausage? -insert huge vegetarian rant that you'll chose to ignore- and if you like falafel, freshly made falafel, then by God, you should come here. dude. i'm not even joking. i live in an Arab country. this is all we ever eat. falafel, meat, rice, potatoes, kebabs...FFFFFFF most things i cannot eat. _

_the amount of Blangst in this chapter is too damn high. except not. _

_**current note**: i have to post this and then go work with mah dumbbells because they're being all red and tempting right now. plus...if i don't do anything at nearly 10:27PM, then i won't do anything at all. ALSO. WHY IS YOUTUBE BEING A COMPELTE BUTT_

* * *

><p>40 – comfort and discomfort<p>

* * *

><p>Sebastian Smythe slowly stepped inside of the room.<p>

His Father was tapping his fingers across the table in a nearly impatient manner as Sebastian sat down on the plastic chair. He didn't meet his Father's eyes.

"Sebastian." The man's voice was pure authority. Sebastian's insides were twisting. "Look at me, boy."

Sebastian slowly looked up at the man. The man's brown eyes were so hard they were stones. His blonde hair still perfect. His skin pale, almost from all the ice inside of the man's heart, but that was impossible. His posture was amazing. Back straight, and so still, almost like the man wasn't dying of anything, much less cancer caused by his HIV.

"Look at me." Jean demanded again in a higher voice.

Sebastian looked back up at him tentatively. "You look so much like your Mother." Jean finally stated. Kurt realised that must be a bad thing considering that Sebastian's Mother practically condemned him to a life in Hell away from Elizabeth. Kurt's fists clenched. Jean didn't even look at Kurt at all.

Jean's fingers twisted around Sebastian's hair. "They used to love your hair."

"He never cuts it," Sebastian suddenly acknowledged his Nona's presence in the room. Sebastian looked up towards his Nona whom was moving towards him, and was now ruffling through his hair. "His hair is beautiful when he cuts it, but he never does. More than one boy would say so as well."

Jean's hand clenched, almost as if he hated the fact that Sebastian was gay just a thousand times more all of a sudden.

Jean looked at Kurt. "You look like your Mother."

Kurt looked down at his feet. "I know." His voice was soft. Jean looked back at Sebastian. Sebastian's heart was sinking into his chest.

"You have your Father's eyes."

Kurt nodded his head again, as he sat down on the chair. "You called him Sebastian."

Jean nodded his head, but kept his gaze firmly set on Kurt's face, as if he really didn't care. "I got HIV from your Mother. She slept with Joseph and she was having his baby. We called it _our_ baby. We tried to pretend. It didn't work out so fucking well."

Kurt was stunned by this confession but then nodded his head. "You said it didn't matter."

"It doesn't." Because Jean was in love with Elizabeth, so it would never matter. Kurt didn't say anything else. Jean didn't say why he called Sebastian there, if not to tell him he looked like his Mother that forced him into a horrible life with two children that he had to love. They waited for him to say anything. Jean Smythe did not say a word of anything. About three hours later, Andrea would drop Kurt off home.

Kurt shut the door after, but then heard a knock a few moments after. Being too tired to answer the door, Finn walked up and opened the door to see Sebastian standing there. "Sebastian? Dude?" Finn looked quizzically at him. Kurt looked back at him in a confused state, with a weak smile on his face.

Sebastian just shrugged, staring at Finn. "You said if I need anything, you're here."

"Yeah." Finn nodded his head and then stepped back. Sebastian stepped inside, hands in a scarlet red hoodie, and dark jeans as he stared at Kurt, almost as if he was his long, lost lover.

"Well?" Sebastian's voice was strict. "Aren't we having dinner?"

Kurt remembered that Sebastian was gluten intolerant. The air was still soft, nearly hot and humid. It took a while for Sebastian to stare out into the window. It was nice, having Sebastian for dinner. Kurt had a hard time looking for gluten-free anything and didn't trust any labels. In about thirty-nine minutes of waiting, Kurt finally walked into the dining room, surrendering his apron.

"There is nothing gluten free in this house!" Kurt groaned.

"Whose fault is that, kiddo?" Burt joked.

"There is nothing gluten-free in this world," Kurt crossed his arms over his chest.

Sebastian was smirking now. "Hummel, Jif peanut butter is gluten free." Somewhat, Kurt's eyes were smiling at him. It was strange, not needing a facial expression to smile, just smiling with those glittering beautiful ocean-blue eyes.

Sebastian ate rice and chicken with zeal. It was such a normal dish but the fact that there were people were making him enjoy it a lot more than usual.

Kurt stopped eating his own rice for a minute. "…Sebastian."

Sebastian looked up as Kurt tentatively asked. "Did you abstain from suicide…" Finn was freezing right now as Kurt continued the question. "Because your Dad thought you'd be a coward for it or…was it because it was a sin?"

Sebastian smirked now as he placed his hand to his chest. "_Oh, that this too solid flesh would melt, thaw and resolve itself into dew! Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd, his canon 'gainst self-slaughter! O God! God! How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable, seem to be all the uses for this world!"_ Sebastian quoted Hamlet, smirking up at Kurt.

"It's…" Kurt then made a melodramatic scene. "_Oh, that this too _too_ solid flesh would melt, thaw and resolve itself into dew!"_

Sebastian snickered. "What's the point of the other 'too'? Hamlet was annoying."

Kurt shrugged but then his eyes softened. "Because it was a sin?"

"Because it was a sin," Sebastian confirmed, repeating Kurt's words.

Just as Kurt was about to go upstairs to fall asleep as he wanted to wake up tomorrow for school without any fatigue, Sebastian was sitting on his piano, pressing against the keys. Kurt raised an eyebrow and sat down beside him.

"Teach me." Sebastian demanded.

Kurt showed him a very quick symphony that he learned how to play in his first lesson of piano, and Sebastian seemed to catch on quickly. It was two hours later that Kurt was laughing happily as Sebastian was playing with the keys, playing the same notes he just learned over and over again until Kurt's eyes would fill with glee and happiness. Kurt looked back at Sebastian, and then his smile fell. Sebastian's faltered immediately afterwards as they looked away from each other, still trying to decipher these new feelings that had come to surface.

_"New feelings? You love each other! It's Fate! It's Fate!" Kurt_ was screaming to them.

Kurt etched just a bit closer. Sebastian looked down at Kurt, licking his lower lip as he took Kurt's chin in his hand. Their lips were just centimetres apart by now. Sebastian turned his head away. Kurt's stomach hurt.

_"But it's Fate…" Kurt_ whispered in a near whimper. "_We're Fate, Bassie_."

Sebastian left about fifteen minutes after, calling Andrea to pick him up. Andrea drove in circles to calm down the atmosphere before going back to the apartment. Sebastian had then collapsed on the couch. Andrea stomped her foot and crossed her arms. "Talk because my little brother's been acting much too strange and I don't know shit."

Sebastian could say everything. Instead, he looked up at her and exploded. "How can you expect me to talk to you when you look just like him?"

Andrea was thrown back by this response as Sebastian trudged to his room, shutting it and locking it quickly afterwards. Andrea knew what he meant. She had blonde hair and brown eyes, and a small heart-shaped face, that was rosy when she was happy and was too pale when she was sad. She was just the female physical version of Jean Smythe. Andrea sighed, and looked down at the candles that had been lit by John. Agitated, she leaned down and blew the candles out before Lila cried, finally deciding that it was time to fall asleep.

* * *

><p><em>"I HATE YOU. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. I WISH YOU WOULD DIE A SLOW, VIOLENT DEATH."<em>

_"WELL, NOBODY WANTS YOU. NOBODY LIKES YOU. NOT EVEN ME. I'M SICK OF YOU. I WANT TO LEAVE."_

_"SO LEAVE!"_

_"I fucking can't!"_

_"Why not? Because your son is suddenly sick and you decide to fucking care?"_

Blaine curled up underneath his thick duvet, sobbing silently. His parents' perfect marriage was falling apart. He had nothing to do but mourn it. Blaine took the phone from the drawer and was shaking as he looked through the contacts on his phone, finally finding the one he'd been looking for. Cooper Anderson. He can call; tell him that his parents were fighting again.

Blaine felt his duvet being taken away from him. Suddenly, he was exposed. Blaine looked up and saw Joseph standing there. It took a moment to realise that salty tears were running down Joseph's eyes as he wiped away the ones burning from Blaine's eyes. Joseph leaned down and kissed Blaine's forehead.

"Goodbye, Blaine."

"Where are you going?" Blaine whispered.

Joseph's shoulders were shaking. "Just stay here." Joseph ordered of him. He caressed Blaine's cheek. "God, you're so feverish again."

Blaine didn't seem to care. Blaine was staring at his Father, face full of confusion. Blaine's confusion made him seem ten years younger as Joseph stood up, and was leaving his bedside. Joseph stood, when he turned around, looking at the drawing on the table. He picked it up. Sebastian's drawing "Heh," Joseph said, smiling softly. "That the birches and the lilies, Blainey? Huh?"

Blaine nodded his head silently.

"Leaves never do grow, huh?"

Blaine shook his head again. "Hey." Joseph wiped away Blaine's tears. "Come on, you're stronger than that. Here. Take your pills." Blaine was too exhausted and miserable to notice that in his cocktail of drugs, there was just one additional pill that he should've noted. Blaine didn't remember much afterward. When he woke up, he realised his Father sedated him. He didn't understand why. His Mother was asleep by his bedside when he woke up at nearly 4AM. Blaine didn't know why. Maybe it was the fever. That pill should've knocked him out for longer, or Blaine's body was just fucking it all up again.

Blaine looked back at the clock. Blaine touched his own skin. His fever was rising. He took a deep breath and did the stupidest thing he could've.

Blaine bolted from his room. His parent's room was empty. There were none of his Father's anything anymore. He looked around. Mugs, ties, suits, everything…was gone. Blaine felt some sort of heaviness in his chest. "Blaine?" his Mother groggily explained. "Blaine, what's going on?"

"Where's Dad?"

Blaine suddenly bolted outside of the doorway.

"BLAINE!"

Blaine didn't know where he was running too. Apparently, somewhere he could think straight. "If I can find a way to see this straight, I'd run away…" Blaine whispered to himself in a near sing-song voice. In the woods, woods near the house that Daddy Dearest used to make horrible stories about, _woods, woods, woods…_

_Oh, oh, oh._ He stopped by a cliff, looking dangerously at his Mother. "Call him."

"Blaine, he refused me to…"

"CALL HIM OR I WILL THROW MYSELF OUT OF THIS CLIFF. OR I WILL KILL MYSELF, MOTHER. CALL HIM. CALL HIM. CALL HIM. TELL HIM TO COME HOME. TELL HIM TO COME HOME TO ME!"

Maria Anderson moved towards Blaine, holding him tightly, as she ran her fingers through his hair like she did when he was having a nightmare when he was a child. Blaine let out a strangled cry. "Tell him…tell him…"

"Shh. I told him that you loved him…"

"No. Come home. Want." Blaine was finding it hard to pull the words out of his throat.

Maria was staring back at Blaine for the longest of while. "That house, Blaine, was never his home."

Blaine pulled himself out of his Mother's grasp, and then slammed his fists towards the nearest tree. Oak. Smelled too much like his disgusting betraying bastard of a Father. Blaine's body was trembling as he let out another strangled cry of pain. "Where's home, Mom?"

Maria didn't know the answer either.

Blaine looked up at Maria again. "Is he coming back?"

Maria shook her head. "He's home now."

"Disgusting horrible fucking bastard!"

Maria shook her head at him. "Blaine, he's your Father." Blaine didn't seem to be too phased by that fact, as Maria took a deep breath, pulling out her HTC, and then calling a single contact on her phone. "Cooper. Cooper, your brother needs you home right now, okay? Okay?"

"WHERE'S HOME, MOM?"

She flinched at Blaine's tone of voice. Blaine looked at her for a moment. "He's right here, Blaine. Your Father." Blaine didn't seem to understand until she caressed his cheek.

"You're just like him," she whispered. "Let's go back to the house. Come on, Blaine."

Blaine didn't seem to answer her after that, as she pulled him by his hand. It was a long walk back, making Blaine think of how fast was he running, surging through the woods, because he didn't know how he ended up there. Blaine was shaking now. It took a moment for Maria Anderson to realise what was happening before she was clutching a panting Blaine into her arms. His skin too feverish to be okay and his eyes were soft, chocolate brown innocence staring back at her.

And in a soft whisper, he would ask. "Where's home, Mom?"

* * *

><p><em>and countdown. now. 4 more chapters + epilogue left. how am i going to tie this shit up?<em>

_with more bow-tie containing feels. so _

_Peanut Butter/Sam xo_


	41. gradual uplift

_chicas, no comment responses today. talking with a very blonde friend. so...here it is. _

* * *

><p>41 – gradual uplift<p>

* * *

><p>It took some time for Maria Anderson to register what Blaine was doing when he was snapping Saltines that morning and placing them in a container.<p>

"No. No school, Blaine."

Blaine snorted at her, placing his container in a schoolbag and throwing it over his shoulder. He didn't seem to give a damn about what she thought anymore. Just as Blaine was about to leave, Maria gripped tightly onto Blaine's wrists with her fingernails. "Stay."

Blaine froze, but not out of choice.

"Your Father was a good man, but he did things I can't forgive him for. He cheated on me. He cheated on me with Elizabeth a few years ago, and now, he's claiming that his love for me is not just the same. He refuses to sleep in the same bed as me. He's just a lying, cheating horrible man that thinks that once, Elizabeth loved him too. She was definitely in it for Jean but…"

"You can be in love with two people at once."

Maria wasn't expecting this. "But cheating—"

"I cheated on Kurt with Sebastian. I slept with Sebastian. Sebastian is in love with me. I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him. I gave him something that can make his entire world right now. I gave him something nobody else _can_. I showed him _love_."

"Blaine, you're starting to sound exactly like your Father."

Blaine muttered something inaudible under his breath before he left. "If you leave this household, you're never coming back!"

"I'm not counting on it! This god forsaken place was my personal Hell for seventeen years!" Blaine shouted back at her. Now, Blaine was feeling light headed. Like he was going to pass out light headed. His Mother waited for him to come to it before suggesting the hospital which Blaine quickly shot down. He didn't want to see the white walls again. He wanted to be free. It took a few moments for Blaine to realise he really can't go back home. In his instance, he'd called Cooper.

"Coming, coming, little bro…sheesh. Did you faint or something?" he joked lightly.

"Yes."

"Oh." Cooper obviously wasn't expecting that. "What the hell is going on with you, you little shit?"

Blaine smiled, but it was weak. "I left the house, Coop. I…can you come pick me up after school? I don't know where to go and…wherever you're staying, I'm only gonna stay in temporary."

"You're saying that like you're gonna die." Cooper chuckled.

Blaine didn't say anything to that.

"Blaine? Hello, Earth to Blainey Blaine."

"Coop," Blaine took a deep breath as he stated the last words he ever wanted to hear in his life. "I'm gonna die."

Cooper chuckled again. "Blaine, your acting skills are good but—"

"I'M DYING. Don't you fucking get it? it's not an acting skill. I'm fucking dying. You will not have a brother in probably the next five days. I'm screwed. I'm wasted. I'm gone. Do you understand?" Blaine's voice was hard, harder than it ever was, but his shoulders were shaking as he found his way into his car.

"…hey." Cooper's voice was soft. "Just calm down, okay?"

Blaine should've told him off, except he should his eyes and with a weak whisper, just said. "Just come, okay? Just…I wanna go home."

"I know, Blainey. I want to go home too."

* * *

><p>"Hummel?"<p>

3:24AM. That was it. Kurt was going to kill Sebastian for knocking on his window at nearly three-thirty AM on a school night. Kurt sighed as he moved towards the window, opening it up. Did that tall bastard climb up a tree? Hell. Kurt stared at him, as Sebastian pulled Kurt down with him. Apparently, they were balancing themselves on his balcony and then Kurt noticed a rope. "Follow me."

Kurt groaned. Through slurs of "I'm gonna kill you" and "it's three-thirty AM. If I have wrinkles in the near future, I'm suing you", Kurt found himself down from his room and following Sebastian. Actually, more like running after Sebastian and trying to catch up. Sebastian seemed to disappear from view. Kurt was about to fall asleep standing but Sebastian had thrown something cold at him.

Kurt looked down and noted a regular Pepsi. "Oh no." Kurt shook his head. "This is regular."

"Drink it. You'll burn it off."

Kurt seemed sceptical but still opened the can and took small sips, as he followed – aka ran and tried to keep up with Sebastian, splashing sucrose-filled carbon-created Pepsi all over the place – but he finally got to where Sebastian was staring at. Sebastian was grinning. Kurt almost thought it was worth it. Kurt then realised their destination was actually Andrea's apartment. Kurt rolled his eyes. Their destination was even clearer when they got in: Sebastian's room.

When Kurt got into the room however, he froze, practically dropping the Pepsi can in his hands.

The room was previously covered with Mel Gibson posters, but they were all gone. Actually, the room was decked in drawings, full of drawings made with pencil so they were all in shades of grey, white and black. Drawings of what Kurt and Sebastian were, children. Playing on swings. Laughing. Singing. Peanut butter. Marshmallows. Love. Hope. Stars. Kurt's eyes were full of shock as he looked around, licking his lower lip. "You drew all of them?"

"No. Zeus did." Sebastian rolled his eyes. "Hummel, stand there. That position is perfect."

Kurt couldn't tear his eyes off if he tried, staring at every memory. Kurt can't remember though. He felt something heavy on his shoulder as he looked at the object. The violin. "Okay. Follow me. If we play, there will be colours. I promise."

Kurt raised an eyebrow. Kurt hated the world promise. Empty. Empty words. Kurt, however, had ran the bow across, following Sebastian's pattern. Somehow, it was easier now. Maybe. Kurt didn't really know if he was too sleepy, but he heard something that was a lot like an angel crying and the moon singing. Sebastian's promise was true to say the least. There was a burst of rainbow, and colour. Something that was near beautiful, something that was too beautiful it was disgusting and putrid and vile. Blood and rainbow and flesh and bone and peanut butter and things just seemed to mesh together to create something new and beautiful, something sweet, something salty, and sour. Kurt couldn't really explain it, because in the end, what he was trying to explain was _everything_. Sebastian showed him _everything_.

"The world," Kurt whispered under his breath. "You showed me the world."

Sebastian nodded his head. "How is it?"

Kurt smiled softly as he felt Sebastian's cheek press against his own as Sebastian's hand guided Kurt's. "Beautiful."

"How beautiful?"

Kurt stopped playing, and then stared back at Sebastian with a soft expression on his face. "As beautiful as you."

Kurt Hummel fell asleep next to Sebastian Smythe on his bed. For the first time, Sebastian Smythe had a boy in his bed when the doors were just wide open.

* * *

><p>When Kurt Hummel felt light and airy, it disappeared quickly. This time, it disappeared because he laid eyes on Blaine Anderson, whom looked like he was feather weight by now and that his bloodshot eyes were freaking Kurt out. Kurt moved towards him and stared at Blaine, his mouth wide open. "Blaine." He whispered. "Why are you even here anymore?"<p>

Blaine was looking dangerously sick right now. Even enough to make Sue Sylvester look twice and Will was definitely worried. They all were. In another twenty-five minutes, they'd be on a bus to Regionals and to Blaine's insistence, he was there too. Blaine felt Sebastian's hand gripping onto his, and the other right hand holding Kurt's hand.

Blaine suddenly remembered that one person can be in love with two different people. That seemed so much like fiction right now, like lies and excuses. Blaine just felt like the world was bleak right now. Maybe he'd feel better. The Warblers were in the crowd this time and Sebastian noticed them too. Jeff ran up to Blaine, holding a scarf in his hands and then wrapping it around Blaine's neck before his smile dropped.

"Blaine."

Nick's eyes would widen. "Blaine."

Just them saying his name like that made Blaine's stomach hurt. Blaine looked back at his friends. They were staring at him like they couldn't recognise him. Nick took Blaine into his arms and tightly hugged him as hard as he could. Blaine pressed his head against Nick's cheek. Nick didn't cry. Blaine appreciated it, though it was hard not to. Jeff was already bawling his eyes out.

"You can't die, Blaine." Jeff was saying the statement rather quickly and confidently, even though his eyes were saying another story. "Blaine Potter, remember?"

"Jeff, I…"

Blaine can't be angry at Jeff. It was nearly impossible. Jeff was looking through his bag and putting Blaine's glasses on. Somehow, it made him look worse. Those glasses were suddenly too big. Blaine just took a deep breath. "Okay. Okay. You all should calm down." Blaine instructed the Warblers. Blaine then looked down. "I told you this was going to happen."

Nick shook his head. "I hate how accurate you are." He muttered.

"Biology buddy." Blaine nudged Nick in the side. "Come on. Smile."

Nick gave the fakest smile that lasted for a fraction of a second before it dropped. "Smile because you're dying?"

"No," Blaine's voice was soft. "Because I'm still alive…Nick…where's home?"

Nick didn't even give Blaine any look for that question. "I think you know." Blaine smiled weakly at him and then hugged him again. Jeff pouted and joined in, which caused the rest of the Warblers to suffocate whatever was left of Blaine, but it was all worth it. Blaine was still wearing the Dalton scarf in the sweltering heat. The performances went by quick with Blaine in the background. Sebastian didn't mind it either. They'd win. Blaine didn't feel like celebrating, neither did Kurt, and neither did Sebastian.

Sebastian's hand pressed up against Blaine's cheek just as they were leaving the auditorium.

He stared at Kurt and then smirked. "I suppose there's a reason to celebrate tonight."

"I'm not having a threesome with—"

Sebastian took Kurt's hand and then pressed it against Blaine's cheek. "Oh." Kurt was giddy now with excitement. "Blaine, your fever's really down now. Almost non-existent!"

"How about that threesome?" Sebastian suggested again, and Kurt raised an eyebrow at him, playfully shoving him. The trio gave one final look at each other. Blaine held onto both Sebastian and Kurt's hands.

"Hummel, this is stupid." Sebastian said, as he clung onto Blaine's hand tighter. The atmosphere was lighter than it had been for ages. "I mean, holding hands? What if someone thinks we're gay?"

Kurt rolled his eyes. "We are gay, Sebastian."

Blaine smirked. "Besides," and Sebastian thought that Blaine couldn't look anymore like the offspring of himself. Maybe Sebastian should've noticed the pain behind Blaine's eyes, maybe. "The whole gay friends holding hands thing? Super-hot."

* * *

><p><em>xo Peanut ButterSam_


	42. an awkward instance

_ffffffff.i have to leave right now._

* * *

><p>42 – an awkward instance<p>

* * *

><p>Blaine Anderson didn't tell Sebastian or Kurt about the seizure he had the minute he got into his bathroom. Cooper wouldn't know too. So far, Blaine had thrown up everything he'd eaten, but he'd concealed that quickly by making it seem as if Blaine had an appetite after throwing up every single thing he'd ingested in the last twenty-four hours. Blaine's fever may be down, but everything else was spiking up, but they were things he can hide. Things that didn't seem important at the time. Headaches. Throwing up. Pain. The hardest thing was the seizures. He couldn't control that, so he just hoped that he was alone. He was.<p>

Everything had come to a gradual equilibrium slowly after. Kurt, Sebastian and Blaine were 'friends', though it was odd when Sebastian was tied down to both Blaine and Kurt. It was all so strange, but so natural, almost by instinct, almost. Blaine knew Sebastian and Kurt had 'something' but 'something' he didn't really know. It might be a little 'something' like Blaine and Sebastian, or something better or worse. All Blaine knew was that Sebastian still had true feelings for him, proper beautiful feelings.

Blaine and Sebastian hadn't touched each other since their events in the rain. Kurt and Sebastian hadn't kissed each other since the heated make-out session that Kurt tried to hope will never be brought up again. Kurt and Blaine hadn't even formed a proper friendship after a breakup. It was hard to forget, when it had become so natural for Blaine to hold Kurt's hand, or for Kurt to see Blaine walking towards his locker afterschool. They still did sometimes, but mostly, it was a subconscious action.

Sebastian knew the play right now. Blaine loved him, but was in love with Kurt, but he threw that all away, knowingly to give him a piece of reason, reason that he did not deserve, a memory that Sebastian will and did keep close to him. His Blainey's. Sebastian knew it in his heart that even if he had fallen in love with anyone else, it wouldn't have been the same as Blaine, as beautiful as Blaine, but maybe love didn't have to be so beautiful anyway. With Kurt, it was just innocent, two childhood friends remembering for the first time. Sebastian wasn't sure if that was love, or in love, or if Kurt was his friend even sometimes, but with Blaine, everything was clear.

Everything was clear from the first time that Sebastian had seen Blaine and wanted to proclaim him in any way, just to have him for one or two nights. Before then, Sebastian wanted sex. Sex would be enough, a few touches, a few kisses. He couldn't hope for more. Sebastian didn't get sex in the end. He got love; the act of actually making love was different than sex. It was emotional. It was deep. It was an attachment. It was beautiful.

It was _painful_.

Soon after, Sebastian Smythe realised that the stupid singing group's assignments didn't stop as much as the world was swallowing itself. Sebastian still spent most of his days in the hospital. His Father didn't leave much. He could. He just didn't. There was nothing for him to see out there that he hadn't seen. His Father wanted to rest, despite all the complaints about hospital food and spitting out mouthfuls of coffee that Sebastian had gotten him. Jean hadn't talked to him yet, but he didn't even make a gesture to get anyone to throw Sebastian out. Sebastian was unsure of what that meant, or if it meant anything at all.

They wanted to be singing Whitney. Cute. Sebastian rolled his eyes, as he watched Kurt stop by Blaine's locker. Sebastian was a few lockers away anyway. He could hear everything. The watch Kurt had given him was shining a bright as his eyes, which was full of excitement for some stupid Glee project. "What song should I perform? Oh, there's…"

Sebastian zoned out after that meaningless chitchat, but somehow he didn't. When he'd put everything in his locker, he heard Kurt ask, "Do you want to come to the sheet music store with me?"

Now, Sebastian was a little hurt. Kurt didn't even look at his direction and ask. Blaine declined his offer, looking a bit edgier than usual for no apparent reason in Sebastian's eyes. Maybe Blaine had been having a bad week because he'd been 'off' for some time.

Sebastian waited for Kurt to ask him but he passed right by him. As expected, Kurt didn't even look his direction, making Sebastian feel a small amount of contempt at being ignored, even if it was just the shit sheet music store they were going to.

The days after that were off. Kurt seemed preoccupied with his iPhone like any other teenager in a chick flick, but to an abnormal extent. Quinn was shooting him looks when he was walking around with his iPhone in his hands and just texted all of the freaking time. Sebastian would hate to be Burt and have to pay for that cell-phone plan. Sebastian snorted at the thought. Kurt was last seen with Rachel as Sebastian had passed by them with an intention of going to his locker, getting the Chemistry book out because he had a test, and then visiting his sick Father that ignored him too in the hospital.

Now, they were just drifting away. Sebastian barely saw Blaine, _barely_ saw Kurt, if at all. And when he did, his iPhone was surgically attached to his hands and his eyes were always mesmerised by the screen. Sebastian had a theory that Kurt had finally found out what an online gambling site was, but had quickly let the thought drop as much as it did make sense, thinking of one of his estranged brothers back in Paris. As for Blaine, Sebastian saw him. In lunch periods, he disappeared off to God knew where. In class, he was in a completely other universe. Blaine barely responded to any of Sebastian's texts and they were usually the ones that asked 'What's the answer for number 5 in the Math homework?' and 'How do you even write a shit lab report?'

Sebastian knew how to write a lab report, and the answer to number 5. He just wanted a response from Blaine. He didn't quite understand why they were drifting away. Blaine was alienating himself from everyone, and Kurt was…happy, elated, almost like a giddy kid that had one too many Skittles, though he was sure that Kurt didn't have any Skittles, after all…'it had no nutritional value and was dyed with artificial everything and I refuse to have that in my body, Sebastian'. Or Kurt can be snorting cocaine, but that was a thought he didn't want to think about.

During Glee, when Santana and Rachel were performing…some Whitney song, the rest of the New Directions were all gleeful (well, it was 'Glee') and excited and shit for the performance and then there was Kurt, whom was just texting and laughing. Sebastian finally thought that it really might be cocaine. Blaine's eyes were full of sadness, staring at Kurt. Kurt was unaware of everything, texting back and smiling and laughing. It was actually beautiful to see. Sebastian can marvel at it, but it also annoyed him that it wasn't him. Or even Blaine. Blaine's depression kind of made Sebastian want to do something about it. He hated seeing his love so sad and broken, but if he got three feet near Blaine, Blaine seemed to somehow disappear. As if he didn't want to see _anyone_.

Chandler barely came into the hospital anymore, but he was definitely more bubbly and happy. That was odd, but it was better than cutting and attempting fourteen suicides he guessed.

That was why Sebastian was shocked when his iPhone buzzed just as he was leaving the hospital with: _Bobbi Brown marathon? My house?_

He immediately thought that either Kurt really was high, as he hated most television shows, but when he confirmed, Kurt had sent him an 'Okay'. When Sebastian got there, and had laid down his things, he expected to be alone with Kurt, except there was Blaine. The tension in the air can be cut with a knife. Kurt disappeared to get cheese to lighten the atmosphere. Whilst cheese had some godly power (somehow delicious and fattening with barely any carbohydrates), he doubted that Blaine wanted any of it now.

Kurt's iPhone buzzed annoyingly every few minutes until Blaine finally picked it up. Sebastian raised an eyebrow. Usually, he wouldn't, as he wouldn't want anyone snooping through his phone. Blaine's eyes lit with some sort of realisation. When Kurt came back, he placed the tray onto the table. "I bought a cheese plate. Our Bobbi Brown marathon can officially began."

Blaine looked up at Kurt with really sad eyes, the kinda that can break Sebastian's heart into pieces. "Who's Chandler?"

"Why are you going through my phone?" Kurt asked, his eyes suddenly wide with horror. Sebastian, however, had frozen. There was a Chandler he knew, one Chandler, and if it turned out to be the same. He'd known Chandler was recently also surgically glued to his iPhone, but he thought that it was possibly because the small blonde was always like that.

"I'm not going through your phone…it's just that it keeps buzzing, because _Chandler_ won't stop texting you." The way Blaine said that name was highlighted in Sebastian's mind, as if it was a disease.

"_When we go to New York, let's go to the front of the Plaza and re-enact the end of 'The Way We Were'." _Blaine was pacing around the room like a maniac, and Sebastian was raising an eyebrow at Blaine's response, but then again, he knew that was the Chandler he knew talking back to Kurt. Somehow, by Fate (what a fucking whore), Chandler and Kurt met.

"Give me that." Kurt demanded of Blaine, putting his hand out so Blaine can give him his phone. Blaine continued to pace and read texts.

_"Can you sing into my voicemail, I want to make your voice my ringtone?" _

"Give me my phone." Kurt's voice was higher, full of even more authority than normal. "_Why_ are you getting so upset? It's not like you're together with me anymore."

That must've stuck a chord in Blaine's brain because he was putting the phone down and was getting his bag, throwing it back over his shoulder. Sebastian thought he saw a glint of tears burning into Blaine's eyes but he couldn't be sure because Blaine was out of the room as quickly as possible. Sebastian didn't really know what to say. Kurt looked angry, not sad, just…_furious_.

"Are you going to leave too?"

"What the hell is going on with you two?" Sebastian muttered.

Kurt shrugged. "I don't know. He doesn't seem to talk to me all that much anymore," he gruffly said.

"Bye, bye, Blaine. Apparently, he's shutting everyone out. It's like he's become a grade A…" he didn't finish that statement, not wanting to insult Blaine despite the fact that he was making it seem as if Blaine was immorally wrong. "Fine." He suddenly said out of nowhere, crossing his arms, showing Sebastian that it was probably anything _but_ fine.

Kurt looked down. "He was really sick." Kurt looked up to meet Sebastian's eyes right now. All Kurt can see was a furrow of confusion. "Blonde hair, brown eyes, short, kind of bubbly, happy, maybe timid?"

Kurt nodded his head slowly. "Chandler," Kurt breathed out. Maybe it was just by luck, not by Fate that Kurt and Chandler met. Sebastian wasn't sure anymore.

_"No, Bassie." Kurt_ frowned, crossing his arms. Sometimes, Sebastian forgot _Kurt_ even existed until he said something like that, no matter how out of nowhere it seemed. Sebastian placed a hand onto Kurt's shoulder. Sebastian had been noticing it too. The more he was around real Kurt; the more that _Kurt_ seemed to disappear slowly. Sebastian wasn't sure how he felt about that at all.

"Do you like him?" Sebastian suddenly asked, raising an eyebrow. Kurt understood what he meant immediately as he shrugged.

"He makes me feel wanted." Kurt muttered. Sebastian would place a hand around Kurt's hip, bringing him slightly closer, not too close for comfort, but close enough for compassion. Kurt would lay his head on Sebastian's shoulder. "I don't know what's going on with me either."

Sebastian shrugged, not knowing exactly how to feel about that statement as Kurt looked back up at him. "My NYADA audition is coming up."

"My Father's going to be dead next week." It seemed like they were just stating facts right now. Sebastian looked at Kurt's face. "I'll be there."

Kurt just seemed to shrug. "Okay." He didn't know how to feel about that either anymore. When had things become so awkward around them? Sebastian looked down at Kurt's face, whom was trying to decipher Blaine's sudden outburst. "…do you think he's hurt?"

Sebastian shrugged, but he knew the answer to that. It looked like Blaine was always hurt.

Kurt looked back at Sebastian. "You're not answering me."

"What do you want me to say? Give you answers that Blaine can only give you himself?" Sebastian reminded him as Kurt took a deep breath, looking down. It all seemed hard, but he didn't know why. Sebastian looked down at the ground and then asked him. "Is Blaine in love with you?"

Kurt looked at the wall. "…yes." Sebastian knew it too. "Are you?"

"Are you in love with Blaine?" Sebastian knew the impact of those words, of what they meant, and so did Kurt. Kurt looked deep in thought before he shook his head towards Sebastian. Sebastian looked at Kurt for a few moments. "Are you in love with me?"

"Sebastian," Kurt's voice was heavy. "Please leave."

Sebastian took a long look at Kurt, and didn't know why he was so sad. Maybe because he either lied about Blaine, or he didn't want to admit it to himself that he might have any feelings towards Sebastian. Sebastian didn't know if he wanted to think of any feelings for Kurt either. He just knew that he was leaving and shutting the door behind him. It took him a while to figure out that Kurt was sad because he was in love, because he didn't want to be. By then, Sebastian was long gone, hands in his pockets. If Kurt wouldn't want to admit it, he wouldn't either. His eyes all divulged on Blaine, and those sad broken hazel eyes when he looked up at Kurt and asked him in the softest voice, "Who's Chandler?"

That was when Sebastian Smythe knew Blaine Anderson was in love with Kurt Hummel when Blaine didn't let go. The thing was, Blaine knew that Sebastian wouldn't let go either.

* * *

><p><em>xo Peanut ButterSam_


	43. illumination

_today i have all the time in the world. now, as a response to the last two chapters!_

_to **blainekurtsebbritsan**, awe, and you, of course, are just as beautiful. if not even more. _

_to **Carbon65**, Elizabeth contracted it from Blaine's Father, Joseph. mentioned in Chapter 40, as to quote Jean, "I got HIV from your Mother. She slept with Joseph and she was having his baby. We called it _our_ baby. We tried to pretend. It didn't work out so fucking well." :'3 and nobody's all the beans and vegetables vegeterian, lovely! i am not that at all, yet i'm not the 'pasta, fries, and pizza' vegetarian either. damn! xD. i'm more of the oatmeal-cereal-soup vegeterian. oh and peanut butter is a food group on its own i must add. I LOAF BLAINE TOO. and yes, i made him homeless. omgosh. yes, i read that! and let's see if it can hold their feels to the next chapter and the epilogue then. Cheers xo_

_to **PenMagic**, the Blangst in the next chapter is ridiculous. aweeeeee. :'3 mini-TV spin-off for me? aweeee. awe, honey, :'D. i'm glad that at least i'm keeping Blaine in canon. i think that the idea here is vague what happened to Blaine's Dad: either he ran off or killed himself, but Blaine wants him back is the whole point of it, that he is devoted to his Father and sees his Mother as less important in his life. omgosh. David Tennant did a version of Hamlet? ...SFPKDSFPSKFS I WILL SEE THIS._

* * *

><p>43 – illumination<p>

* * *

><p>The next few weeks would be Kurt divulging himself into his music.<p>

Blaine Anderson didn't know if he wanted to be around, but he always was. He was getting sicker though. It was harder to stand. It was hard to stay in bed. It was hard to do everything. It was the hardest to see Kurt performing _Music of the Night_, and having nothing to say about it, just watching from a very far. His eyes were closer to a dark brown, hardening as he watched Kurt perform. The candles would make Sebastian happy, a sign of spirituality.

Blaine finally found the courage to move towards the stage. Kurt pretended he wasn't even there. Blaine understood why after he abruptly left. At least he can die in peace, a parting that would hurt Kurt in the least way possible. The only reason Blaine prayed anymore was that he'd be alive for Kurt's auditions that week. He didn't mind dying as much anymore, not as long as he got to see Kurt first. The silent fear coiled in his stomach, that he won't. And if he would, Kurt would be horribly sad if he choked and Blaine wouldn't have been able to do anything about it. Blaine wasn't sure if he can rely on Sebastian to make Kurt happy, even if Sebastian had once brought out smiles from Kurt Blaine didn't even know existed, the same way Kurt made Blaine amazed in Blaine didn't even know was possible.

Sebastian seemed to not make a sound either, staring at Kurt, watching him perform, but never saying anything about what he should or shouldn't do. Kurt was on his own for the most bit. Blaine knew he'd heard Kurt raving on wanting to do _Not the Boy Next Door_ instead of _the_ _Music of the Night_, and Blaine knew whatever he chose, he'd be perfect in it, just as he'd _always_ been.

The fever was a first sign of CMV. The CMV easily manifested into a hundred different things. For Blaine, it was a stomach ulcer, surprisingly. The seizures were also due to the CMV. It was still hitting Blaine quick. Blaine was sure he probably contracted something else, but he didn't dwell on it. No pill would act as a miracle for him at this point, even though he nearly religiously took them. They barely did anything for him. His CD4 count was exceptionally low, barely in the mid one hundreds and already dropping drastically with the last hit to his immune system. Blaine already had digestive problems before an infection hit, and now, it was spinning out of control. How Blaine somehow found the strength in him to move…he didn't know.

He spent the next few hours, wondering if he would make it through the night with this horrible pain in his chest. The fever was gone. It was mostly his intestines and brain that was the problem. One of them can cost him his life in a quick amount of time. The next time he passed out, Cooper was there. Blaine didn't know if it was because he was sick, or if it was because he'd been skipping food so often and according to his specialist, his body didn't absorb all of the nutrients of his food anymore anyway, so malnutrition was a given.

Just getting out of another hospital visit with his specialist, Blaine realised he really did finally give up and he didn't know how to feel about that. Passing by the hospital, Sebastian had bumped into him. Sebastian took one proper look at him and he knew. Sebastian was shaking his head in complete and utter disbelief. Blaine pulled his arms into the air and Sebastian ran into them. It was so strange for Blaine, to be holding someone whom was considerably taller than him back into pieces, someone like Sebastian.

"Sebastian," Blaine's voice was actually calmer than he expected it to be. Sebastian stared back at him with vacant eyes. "Kurt's audition. I want to be there."

Sebastian nodded. Blaine smiled and then walked off. Sebastian didn't know how what to do. Blaine didn't want to stay and hear anyone hurt for him anymore. Sebastian stood a few moments after. At least he'd pretend to be strong. He can cry in the funeral but not for now.

Sebastian had left his Father's room for some coffee. That one moment, Jean raised an eyebrow as Kurt had walked inside of the room. "Hey." Kurt took a deep breath. "I…I got you something, Mr Smythe."

Jean raised an eyebrow as Kurt's hand wafted towards his brown-leathered messenger bag. Kurt pulled out the object. Jean's eyes widened as he took it from Kurt's hand, looking down at Elizabeth's broken mug, with that one maroon piece put back in to make the complete heart, still broken, but at least it was a heart. It took a moment for Kurt to realise Jean's hands were shaking.

Kurt looked at the man, whom had small tears burning at the corner of his eyes. Jean brought Kurt close to him, running his hand against Kurt's hair.

"Precious child," Jean whispered, ruffling through Kurt's hair.

"I have to go." Before Sebastian came back, Jean watched as Kurt disappeared. Jean looked down, happier than he had been in years, holding the prized possession of his true love. Nathalie looked away; apparently she was trying hard not to cry either.

Sebastian had seemed to find himself back into his Father's room, placing with one of the buttons on his jacket. Sebastian would finally ask for which one he cared about more. Sebastian looked at Jean, whom was diligently sipping his coffee from a cup that Sebastian should've recognized. Maybe he will later.

_"He's very happy, Bassie." Kurt_ breathed out, and Sebastian nodded his head, walking inside of the room again. Now, he recognised the mug that he was holding. Sebastian stared back at Jean, whom was putting a cup down.

"Nathalie. Andrea." He gave them both pointed looks.

They nodded, knowing when to leave. Sebastian looked at his Father, whom was itching to say something. It wasn't an apology. Sebastian heard _Kurt_ squeak happily. Sebastian raised an eyebrow. Jean seemed to have a very small smile to his lips, staring at whatever he was seeing in front of him. Sebastian stared back and realised what he was seeing as well, which was _Kurt_ and _Sebastian_. So that hallucination was following his Father around. At least that was solved. Both of them were practically devoid of emotion. Sebastian sat at the edge of the bed. Jean took Sebastian's shoulder, bringing him closer to him. Sebastian didn't know what this all meant, as he stared back at _Sebastian_ and _Kurt_.

_"Don't go," Kurt_ softly muttered.

_"Have to." Sebastian_ reminded him, raising an eyebrow. It took a moment for Sebastian to realise they were emulating the emotion that Sebastian and Jean never could in years.

_"But I love you." Kurt_ muttered, holding his hands onto _Sebastian's_ shoulder. "_You promised. YOU. PROMISED_."

_Sebastian_ snorted. _"I have to."_ He stared at him. "_Wait? Wait for me_?"

_Kurt_ just shrugged. _"Maybe I don't want you then."_

_Sebastian_ chuckled. _"I love you too."_ _Sebastian_ ruffled through _Kurt's_ hair, who just stuck a tongue at _Sebastian_. _"I'm gonna go, you know."_

_Kurt_ nodded his head, as small tears burned at the corner of his eyes_. "I know."_

_"I gotta go, Kurt. Bye!" _the _Sebastian_ hallucination disappeared.

_"No, wait! Don't! DON'T—"_

It took a moment for Sebastian to realise his Father's hand went limp and that there was a constant beep from the heart monitor. Sebastian chuckled sadly. He looked down at his Father, dead. "I don't forgive you," Sebastian whispered.

_"That's a lie." Kurt_ whispered.

Sebastian chuckled again, looking down at _Kurt_, and then nodded his head. "He's really gone?"

_Kurt_ nodded his head, as _Kurt_ moved, clutching Sebastian by the fabric of his jeans. _"Promise. Promised." Kurt_ said, as he pulled out something from Sebastian's pocket, which was his wallet, flipping to a picture of Blaine. "_Promised_."

Sebastian nodded his head_. "It's okay, Sebastian. I love you," Kurt_ whispered. _"I love you. You don't need Jean. He was really, really mean and…"_

Sebastian still broke down into a multitude of sobs. _Kurt_ still shut his eyes, and cried with him too. No amount of _Kurt_ being there can stop him from being so emotional it hurt. Nurses would come. Sebastian wouldn't plan any funeral. He had a promise he had to do for Blaine. The next few moments were made of Sebastian promising Blaine that he'll drive him from the hospital next morning. Cooper definitely didn't allow Blaine in school anymore. Besides, he had his own way of remembering and saying goodbye.

"Now."

Sebastian watched the entire church holding candles. It was dark. Sebastian can barely see anyone. Sebastian turned around and saw a certain figure staring back at him. Sebastian's eyes softened as Kurt moved close him with a large unlit white candle.

"I thought you didn't believe in God."

"I don't." Kurt corrected him, as he looked back at Sebastian's eyes. "Intuition told me to join you."

Sebastian placed a hand on Kurt's shoulder as Sebastian looked back at the crowd in front of him. _"O God, the Creator and Redeemer of all the faithful, grant to the soul of thy servants, departed the remission of their sins, that, through pious supplications, they may obtain the pardon which they have always desired. Who livest and reignest with God the Father, in the unity of the Holy Ghost, world without end…"_

"Amen," Kurt muttered along with the entire church, but Sebastian definitely heard Kurt louder than anyone else even if Kurt was practically whispering. The entire church filled with illumination as Sebastian lit up the candles. Sebastian looked down and it took Sebastian a moment to realise there were hot tears running down Kurt's cheeks. The silence consumed by light, and the light ignition off to carry off a message to an unclear distance.

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><p><em>xo Peanut ButterSam_


	44. a promise kept

_where have you been Sammy_

_well, i had some stuff, loves but i'm posting now c:. to **PenMagic, **Blaine's everything makes us sad :c._

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><p>44 – a promise kept<p>

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><p>Blaine Anderson was dying very, very quickly.<p>

Now, that he was confined to hospital bed, his CMV quickly made him crash down to paths of pneumonia, except Blaine's lungs, or stomach or any part of his body literally couldn't take it anymore. Blaine was coughing up a storm. He'd stopped coughing for now, going into a coughing fit every hour instead of every ten minutes that passed, which was making Blaine feel a little bit relieved. His lungs were still on fire, and half the time he felt too exhausted to talk to someone, much less get up. In a moment, he thought that he'd just give up, but Sebastian shook his head.

"You're going." Blaine knew that once he was there, he wouldn't regret it either. Sebastian's eyes hardened. "I promised you."

It was strange, having Sebastian, whom was in love with him, take him to see Kurt, someone whom Blaine was in love with. The irony and karma in this situation made Blaine almost laugh. He might've if his lungs wouldn't burst into fire. It was like he'd doused himself into gasoline and had lit up a match to his lungs every time he went into one of those coughing fits. His stomach was killing him. It was an exhaustion to get up. His stomach felt like something rubbery and plastic were pressing against it, making him feel full, uncomfortable and painfully bloated. Just as Blaine stood up, Sebastian finally had given up and carried Blaine into his arms. Blaine relaxed slightly. Of course, it still hurt. It hurt like a bitch.

"Talk to me," Blaine muttered softly. "It hurts less when you talk."

Sebastian shrugged, obviously not knowing what to talk about. "We're going to see Kurt."

"Last time," Blaine whispered and that stung at Sebastian's heart at how true this statement probably was. "You won't do anything stupid, right?"

"I promised." Blaine relaxed even more. That was obviously on his mind too. Sebastian felt Blaine's head on his chest as Sebastian laid Blaine in the backseat of his car. When Sebastian secured himself into his – or rather Andrea's car, and then turned to look at Blaine, the curly-haired boy was looking at Sebastian as if he was trying to decipher him. Blaine probably knew that whatever he asked, Sebastian would answer. "Sebastian."

"Yes."

"When did you realise you were in love with me?"

Sebastian chuckled. "First time I saw you."

"I was just there. Like you've been looking for me and you just…found me."

Sebastian nodded his head. "Yeah. Kinda like that." Sebastian's heart was on fire, as he started to drive. This can be very well the last time he can see Blaine. Blaine would probably exhaust himself and he should definitely not be out of the wires, much less away from his bed. The wires, Sebastian shuddered. He hating seeing what seemed like a thousand wires hooked to Blaine's body.

"When Kurt sung Blackbird," Sebastian took a deep breath. He tried not to think about Kurt right now, but Blaine was talking about him. Sebastian's eyes were filling already, at the thought of Blaine being in love with Kurt. It was that familiar contempt burning into Sebastian's soul, that Kurt had Blaine, but Kurt didn't do anything to keep Blaine. Kurt didn't fight for him. "I looked at him and realised 'hey. I've been looking for you everywhere'. Was…that how it was like?"

Sebastian nodded his head. "I knew who you were before we introduced each other, remember?"

"Oh yeah." Blaine said. Somewhat, even Blaine just talking made the tightness in Sebastian's chest even worse. "Sebastian, if I…really die and Kurt does really good, can you…take him out to celebrate? Because Kurt never would if…"

"Yeah. Okay. Where do you want me to take him?"

"Everywhere." Blaine said. Sebastian's heart clenched as he had to carry Blaine back. They weren't very late. They slipped into the huge auditorium and Sebastian had settled down, positioning Blaine on his lap. Blaine didn't even seem to notice that Sebastian even existed anymore.

_Don't. Say. Anything._

_Kurt_ looked sad. _Kurt_ nodded his head.

"I was….going to do the Music of the Night," Kurt said, dressed and decked as Eric. "But I think Not the Boy Next Door is more…like me." Kurt's eyes were on Blaine's dazzled face. Blaine was really happy. Really happy and Sebastian wondered if Blaine can feel Sebastian trembling underneath him and if he did, he just didn't care as long as his eyes were staring at Kurt.

Kurt tore off his Phantom of the Opera clothing, leaving him decked in skin-tight golden trousers, and a black shirt. Blaine had gripped onto Sebastian's hand. To Sebastian, it was just one of the many auditions he'd see but to Blaine, this was the last one of Kurt's, the one that would matter the most. Finn was looking at them now. Rachel looked sad. Kurt sounded amazing.

"He's really good." Blaine whispered.

Sebastian nodded, shifting uncomfortably. The music seemed to contrast everything Sebastian was feeling. Just at the last pitch of the song, Blaine looked overly excited. "Bas, he's really, really good," he whispered, and Sebastian nodded his head again, as Blaine looked very close to shutting his eyes. Almost immediately after his audition did Kurt ran up to Blaine.

"Blaine!"

Sebastian clutched Blaine tightly into his arms. "Don't sleep. Get up. Get up." Blaine looked exhausted though. Sebastian was pretty sure Blaine's pulse was very weak. Just checking with his thumb, Sebastian's heart raced realizing just how drained and weak Blaine was. "Blaine." Kurt whispered, cupping Blaine's face into his hands. Finn and Rachel were surrounding him right now.

"Blaine. Don't."

Blaine laughed as if it was the most absurd thing that he'd heard. His eyes were shining. "Don't die?" he asked Kurt, but Kurt nodded his head.

Blaine cupped Kurt's head in his hands. "You can have your dreams," Blaine said in a soft, song-song whisper. "But you don't _need_ me."

Sebastian felt Blaine go lifeless into his arms. Now, Sebastian definitely didn't have to pretend to be okay as he shut his eyes, looking at Kurt's face. Kurt was sobbing right out loud now. Sebastian gripped tightly onto Blaine, almost not ready to let go, almost as if it would revive him. "You're home now, Blainey." Sebastian whispered, shutting his eyes as tightly as ever.

Kurt pressed his head against Blaine's back. Apparently, Carmen had enough heart in her to at least reschedule with Rachel, whom didn't seem to care anymore as she nodded her head at the woman's words. She would choke in her audition anyway. It was Fate, just like it was it was Fate for Blaine to lie so lifeless and dead in Sebastian's arms.

"What did…what did he say?" Kurt was stammering.

"He said you did really, really good." Sebastian chuckled, as another sob escaped his lips. "He said if you did really good, he wants us to celebrate. No matter what."

Kurt didn't look like he was in the mood for celebrating anything. Kurt nodded his head.

A few hours from now, Kurt and Sebastian would be out in Breadstix as Sebastian ate stale bread and they pretended to laugh, and smile. It was so painful that Sebastian didn't want to remember it. Soon after, Kurt took Sebastian's hand and they would leave together. They drove off to God knew where. Sebastian wouldn't want to know where they were at, as long as they weren't there. The next day, at Glee, Mr Schue would very blandly reminded everyone of Kurt's success and say that Rachel choking on her audition that day was unfortunate.

"Now…" Will didn't look like he was going to talk about Nationals which was good because if Kurt heard it, he'll throw the man into a trashcan after manslaughter, but the man walking inside was Cooper Anderson. He looked older than he was as he'd given Will a tape. "Blaine wanted me to give you this. Actually, he wanted me to give this to Sebastian but I'm not going to give it to anyone who slushies my brother so you do it."

Sebastian raised an eyebrow. He felt strange, having Blaine make a tape for _him_. Placing the tape in the DVD, Sebastian suddenly felt all the pain of everything crashing down on him as he stared into Blaine's face. Blaine was smiling though, or maybe trying to. Sebastian can't tell but his eyes were definitely soft and sincere.

"Sebastian," Sebastian felt a pang of pain that Blaine addressed him directly. "Thank you for giving me the words to say because otherwise, I wouldn't have said anything."

Sebastian raised an eyebrow. He didn't quite understand what that meant before the tape faded to black as he saw Blaine in his hospital gown in the April Rhodes Pavilion Civic, looking directly at the camera.

"_Don't remember where I was. I realized life was a game. The more seriously I took things, the harder the rules became. I had no idea what it'd cost. My life passed before my eyes. I found out how little I accomplished—all my plans denied,_" Blaine smiled softly at the camera, with that glint in his eyes that Sebastian fell in love with. All of that. Gone. Disappeared.

_"So as you read this know my friends, I'd love to stay with you all, please smile when you think of me. My body's gone that's all."_ Blaine stared directly at the camera. Kurt's eyes lit with realisation just as quickly as everyone else. Sebastian remembered the song. It was the one he sung during the French and Spanish ensemble week, the same words that Blaine were singing, except this time, this was more beautiful, more tragic and more painful to hear. "_A tout le monde, a tout mes amis, je vous aime…je dois partir… __These are the last words I'll ever speak and they'll set me free_."

"_If my heart was still alive, I know it would surely break. And my memories left with you…there's nothing more to say_."

Blaine just looked sick right now, looking down at his feet, but when Sebastian can see his eyes, it was almost like Blaine had never been more alive, repeating those words like they were his mantra. "_Moving on is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard. You know the sleeping feel no more pain and the living all are scarred_."

"_A tout le monde, a tout mes amis, je vous aime…je dois partir… __These are the last words I'll ever speak and they'll set me free_. _So as you read this know my friends, I'd love to stay with you all. Please smile, smile when you think about me…My body's gone that's all_." Blaine repeated the chorus, eyes on the screen almost as if he can see all of them. It was so strange, having to see Blaine in a screen instead of having him physically there. He wasn't ever going to be physically there. He wouldn't hear his voice again, at least not in a room, warm ands sweet…sending him to feelings Sebastian didn't even know he had.

_"That's enough," Mr Schue tried to calm them down before turning to Sebastian. "They are right nonetheless. The song is too—"_

_"You," Sebastian began, cutting off Will, "know nothing about fucking passion, because that song was written as a tribute to the deceased. He wrote the song because he knows that people that die have things they wanted to say, _unspoken_ words, so this is one way of him communicating to the public that everyone has something they carry with them to their fucking graves. Alright?"_

Blaine was smiling even more brightly now, before it faltered. "_A tout le monde, a tout mes amis, je vous aime…je dois partir…"_

Sebastian took a deep breath and sung the last line._ "…these are the last words I'll ever speak and they'll set me free_."

"Fly, Blaine." Sebastian whispered.

"Be free." He trembled, a broken laugh following. "Fly for me, you stupid warbler."

The funeral was cold, dark, and lonely. It wasn't a normal funeral. It was a Warbler funeral. Sebastian had dug out the grave himself. His own sweat and blood into burying his lover. He had the right. He dressed him, in his stupid Warbler uniform.

"Wait!" Nick exclaimed. Even Jeff's sobs quieted down. Nick nodded towards Jeff. Jeff smiled, taking Nick's scarf away from him, walking up to the casket, and wrapping it around Blaine's neck. Jeff smiled weakly.

"Are you done?"

Nick shook his head, as he picked up what Sebastian deemed to be a ball of fur. Sebastian's heart hurt him, noticing that that 'ball for fur' was Lilly, whom was giving her owner one last kiss, dragging her tongue across his cheek. It would've made him happy. Nick nodded. Sebastian finally asked. "Can I have her after you're done?"

Nick stared at him. "You have HIV."

Sebastian shut his eyes. "I know. I just don't care anymore."

_"Why the _hell_ do you have a _cat_? You have _HIV_—are you _trying_ to kill yourself? _Stupid, stupid, stupid!"

_"Sebastian," Blaine sounded so weak that it broke Kurt's heart, but the Warblers and the New Directions didn't say a word as Sebastian turned to look at him… _

Nick gave him a quick squeeze on his shoulder. Jeff wouldn't have dared put that scarf around Blaine's neck without dissolving into tears. They went back. Shutting the casket was almost indefinite. Sebastian had to buy a lot of land with the money Jean had left for him for college – actually, all the money that Jean left for him for college. This wasn't a burial site. Sebastian was staring back up at the birches, the lilies, and the cat. Blaine would've wanted this.

Kurt suddenly stood up. "Okay."

Burt was looking at his son. Sebastian was confused. He hadn't planned anything else. Kurt must've then. It took Sebastian a moment to realise everyone pulled out white candles and Kurt had given one to Sebastian. Sebastian was happy he was a smoker all of a sudden, pulling out his lighter.

Sebastian opened his mouth to speak, but he just couldn't. John or Gabriel smiled knowingly. Sebastian didn't understand why until he heard Kurt speak.

_"O eternal God, Who, besides the general precept of charity, hast commanded a particular respect for parents, kindred and benefactors; grant, we beseech Thee, that, as they were the instruments by which Thy provided bestowed on us our birth, education, and innumerable other blessings, so our prayers may be the means to obtain for them a speedy release from their excessive sufferings and admittance to Thine infinite joys. Through Jesus Christ Our Lord. Eternal rest give unto them, O Lord, and let the perpetual light shine upon them."_

"_May they rest in peace."_ Sebastian whispered, finishing it off for him. "_Amen_."

It was only then that Sebastian realised that _Kurt_ didn't exist anymore. He didn't need to. Sebastian didn't need any other world or memory but this world and this memory he saw right now. He needed the real Kurt, nothing else, nothing out of his imagination or out of his vague memory. After the ceremony, Sebastian was just about to leave when Kurt grabbed onto Sebastian's wrist.

"I lost Blaine." Kurt's voice was soft. "I don't want to lose you too."

Sebastian nodded his head. "Promise me you won't do anything stupid either."

"Promise," Kurt then smiled, a very soft smile. "I can't either way."

Sebastian raised an eyebrow as Kurt chuckled sadly, placing a hand on his chest. _"Oh, that this too solid flesh would melt, thaw and resolve itself into dew! Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd, his canon 'gainst self-slaughter! O God! God! How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable, seem to be all the uses for this world!"_

Sebastian dissolved into laughter, as Kurt hugged him. Maybe in another universe, _Kurt_ and _Sebastian_ would be laughing; maybe it would be _Blaine_ and _Sebastian_, maybe _Blaine_ and _Kurt_, maybe. Maybe didn't matter anymore. What mattered was now, as Kurt held onto Sebastian's hands, rubbing them softly as they stared at each other.

"Thank you."

Kurt looked back at Sebastian, as Sebastian rubbed Kurt's hand. "For the watch."

"Thank you," Kurt's eyes never left Sebastian's as their lips were centimetres away from each other. This time, they met, even if it was small, even if it was barely anything.

"For showing me the world."

Blaine must've told Sebastian _something_. Sebastian must've not believed Kurt when he said he wouldn't hurt himself because that night, just before Kurt went to sleep, because Sebastian sent a text to Kurt, and there was only one word written.

_Courage_.

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><p><em>Don't worry. There's an epilogue after this ASDFGHJKL. It's an epilogue so don't expect something 20 pages long and solves every mystery that's left untied. It's actually less than 350 words, so yeah. It's not even a page long. :o Sam xo<em>


	45. epilogue

_**Carbon65**, i think it's a lot because even Blaine was at peace with his own passing. omgosh. can you imagine like ghost Blaine seeing Kurt open the letter and getting a rejection? IT WOULD KILL HIM. i think that the ending was just...it called out to me. it was like "just end it there" and write yourself a quick epilogue piece to tie it all together. to **PenMagic**, -CREYS FROM ALL THE FEELS- i will always continue to eat jars of peanut butter until i gain ninety pounds. and then lose them all in an epic battle of writing fanfiction. I WILL WRITE ONE. i actually am posting a new Seblaine one right now because i don't have a really long Seblaine fanfic. he does have HIV. what's interesting though is that its effects is different from person to person. :) however, it's slightly mentioned here so xo_

_OKAY. I WILL WRITE YOU BOTH WHATEVER YOU WANT AND LINK YOU TO IT BECAUSE I LOAF YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW._

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><p>epilogue<p>

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><p>The cold December air was a bitch.<p>

Sebastian was standing near the birches and lilies. Maybe his time would come soon. He didn't know. Up until now, the sickle cell was annoying him more than the HIV. He'd been hospitalised for sickle cell crisis about a few weeks back. Sebastian looked back up at the birches, with a small smile on his face.

"Sebastian!"

Kurt sounded angry. Sebastian looked back Kurt whom was puffing, mostly with anger and then exhaustion, holding something in a plastic bag.

"Did I not tell you to take your purple pills with you?" Kurt called his sickle-cell anaemia pills 'purple pills' for their colour. Sebastian just shrugged, looking back at the birches. Kurt walked up towards the birches, looking up at them.

"Look." Kurt pointed. "There's a lily growing there."

Sebastian nodded his head.

"Is that even possible?" Kurt said, still amazed.

Sebastian shook his head.

"Gabriel said it was Blaine's doing." Sebastian finally said. "It's a miracle."

Kurt was staring at the growing, budding lily, white, and beautiful up on that birch tree. Sebastian leaned against the birch. Kurt finally looked back at him. "_Kurt_ didn't come back. The hallucination."

Kurt looked back at Sebastian, whom was looking at the sky with vacant eyes. Kurt nodded his head. "Yeah. He's back in his own little world."

Sebastian chuckled. "You have a violin rehearsal after this. You're gonna skip it if you stay any longer."

Kurt gave him a coy smile. "I know."

Sebastian's face dropped. "Chandler's dead. He killed himself."

Kurt nodded his head. The seventeenth attempt was the most successful apparently. Sebastian was looking at the sky and then back at Kurt's sky-blue eyes. He didn't need to stare up at the sky as long as he looked at Kurt. Sebastian had two lone tears running down his eyes.

"Kurt," his voice was soft. "What can I would I do without you?"

Kurt stared into Sebastian's green eyes.

"Everything."

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><p><em>xo Peanut ButterSam_


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